The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks 09.25.09

Posted by John Meehan on 09.25.2009

Is The Undertaker facing his "Last Ride?" Is TNA "Bound For Glory?" And what the heck is a "Battle Chamber?!"

Howdy, folks. And thanks for tuning in for another rousing edition of the 411 Friday news report. As usual, we'll be sizing up the big stories of the week and doing our best to wade through the usual webz o' negativity, so kick back and relax as we recap the week that was in this wacky, wild and wonderful world of pseudo sport we call professional wrestling. Plenty of news this week -- with lots to discuss in regards to onscreen happenings and backstage drama -- so let's cut the jibber jabber and get down to biznass.

Sound like a plan?

Rock & Roll.

The SELL of the week goes to Hernandez, who sold the hell out of a chair-assisted-briefcase shot to the trachea by writhing around like a siezure victim and foaming at the mouth on this past Thursday's iMPACT! The World Elite's assault on Super Mex was as devastating as we've seen from TNA in some time, and Hernandez went out of his way to make the ambush look as real (and violent!) as humanly possible. Sadly, TNA completely forgot about the after-effects of this brutality just a few short days later, when Hernandez competed in not just one but TWO matches in one night -- and didn't appear to be any worse for wear in spite of the attack.

The TELL of the week goes to Kane and The Great Khali. There's an old saying that "a stunt that is too dangerous to pull off on live television really shouldn't be done at all." And Kane's "assault" on Khali's knee using the steel ring steps? Definitely too dangerous to pull off on live television, which is precisely why Smackdown! had to splice the attack together using a slapdash mess of camera angles to help conceal the fact that Khali's leg was NOWHERE near the impact zone of The Big Red Machine's repeated assaults. The proof? The face of the weapon was crimped from where it had repeatedly made impact with the corner of the other ring steps. While I admire the intent of sending Khali off with an onscreen injury to explain a real-life surgery, this was just a bad-looking segment all around.

Lauren Mayhew - Twenty-four-year-old Lauren Mayhew made her debut as the ring announcer at this week's WWE Smackdown tapings. Mayhew -- an aspiring singer and actress -- has had a number of smaller film and television roles, including American Pie: Band Camp, CSI, American Dreams and Guiding Light. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, Mayhew was part of a short-lived girl band called P.Y.T. ("Prove Yourself True") and a second band, called Turning Point. She was most recently seen as the host of "Real Access" -- the Nickelodeon version of Access Hollywood.

For the time being, it appears that Mayhew will remain a part of the Smackdown! crew while the more seasoned ring announcers are cycled through the usual duties on RAW, ECW, and WWE pay-per-view events to fill the role formerly occupied by Lillian Garcia. Ooh, speaking of...




Lillian Garcia - Longtime WWE ring announcer Lillian Garcia officially parted ways with the company on Monday night following a ten-plus-year career with World Wrestling Entertainment. Garcia's replacement has not yet been announced, though it is widely speculated that her duties will be assigned to another veteran ring announcer in the interim until a permanent substitute is found.

Now then --

Lillian Garcia has long been one of the most polarizing ring announcers in WWE history. Howard Finkel? Universally loved. Tony Chimmel and Justin Roberts? Can't seem to find a dedicated fan page or a die-hard critic in either direction. But Lillian Garcia? Well that's a horse(face?) of a different color.

Many have slagged on 'Lil for her less-than-"conventional"-Diva quality appearance. Others have cried foul that she only seems to have landed a job because she's a woman. And still others have taken issue with the fact that she often (and at times, repeatedly) can't seem to get simple ring introductions right. Sure, big crowds can cause you to get flustered from time to time -- but when it's your ONE AND ONLY JOB to stand out there and tell people no more than two sentences at a clip, is "perfection" really all that much to ask?

Regardless --

For better or worse, Lillian has become a fixture of the RAW (and WWE) landscape for the past decade. Her voice has become a familiar presence at WWE live events all around the globe, and her contributions to "The WWE Universe" will not soon be forgotten. Love her or hate her, Lillian most definitely deserves some credit for sticking with the company for much longer than anyone would likely have expected from the moment of her inauspicious debut some ten years ago. And Garcia deserves bonus points for volunteering to take part in WWE's Tribute to the Troops broadcast for each consecutive year running since the progam's inception in 2003 -- a feat that is virtually unrivaled by any other member of WWE's active roster of regular performers to date.




The Undertaker - Bad news out of WWE this week, as it appears that the hip injury and corrective surgery sustained by The Undertaker actually may be well worse than was initially imagined. The lingering effects of The Undertaker's injury were first detected by WWE management during house show performances two weeks ago, and the decision was made to truncate his Breaking Point match against CM Punk and limit his in-ring appearances in the time since then accordingly. The plan as it stands is to keep The Undertaker on a limited duty schedule for the time-being while WWE attempts to sort out their long-term plans and alternatives in light of the very real possibility that The Dead Man's tenure as a regular member of the WWE roster may soon be drawing to a close.

MeeThinks?

This is bad news any way you slice it, as The Undertaker has become both the backstage "conscience" of the WWE lockerroom and the last-remaining onscreen vestige of "the golden era" of WWE's larger-than-life Attitude Era. That said, ideally, even if injuries forced "The Undertaker" to step away from a career as a professional wrestler, one has to believe that Mark Calaway's longstanding ties with World Wrestling Entertainment and his well-reputed lockerroom clout would ensure him a backstage company role with WWE well into the forseeable future (think of a modern-day Gorilla Monsoon or Arn Anderson).


Vehicular abductions have a funny way of working themselves out for The Dead Man

From an ONSCREEN perspective, however --

"The Undertaker" is truly a case of lightning in a bottle, and the success of his gimmick is likely one that will never be duplicated. Were he to exit the WWE, his absence would immediately be felt all across the Smackdown! roster *and* throughout the broader landscape of the "WWE Universe" on the whole (imagine a WrestleMania where "The Streak" isn't on the line).

The good news?

Undertaker's latest injury doesn't appear to be so immediate and threatening that he can't -- at the very least -- continue to compete on at least *some* semblance of a semi-regular schedule for the time-being. And even if his matches are kept short and his appearances come to depend more on smoke and mirrors than chops and chinlocks, this is hardly a new development for a character who has spent the better part of two decades making just as much of an impact OUTSIDE of the ring as he does from bell-to-bell.

This, in turn, gives the WWE braintrust a solid six months or so to start the slow-build towards giving The Dead Man a fitting match at WrestleMania XXVI. In so doing, WWE can commemorate his many years of service AND get the absolute most mileage out of his character as possible -- hopefully with some massively hyped WrestleMania showdown in the works to build a few new stars to help take his place as they send the Phenom off with a bang.

Heck -- WWE may have already begun to plant these seeds at Breaking Point. Think about it:

1) Vince McMahon owns the company, and he's evil. Remember this -- it'll be important later.

2) Vince threatens Teddy Long. 'Cuz he owns the company, and he's evil, ya' know.

3) Teddy panics, and "somebody" screws The Undertaker out of the title at Breaking Point. Teddy? The Champ!? The Ref?! TUNE IN TO SMACKDOWN TO FIND OUT!

4) Referee Scott Armstrong says "you either own the company, or you do as your told." He's just a pawn, see -- merely following orders from a "much higher" power. FORESHADOWING!

5) Vince plays the bully role, and Teddy Long "confesses" that he helped screw The Undertaker. Gee that's funny, I don't remember Teddy Long OWNING THE COMPANY...

6) The Undertaker takes out Teddy Long, and justice is restored. OR IS IT?!?

7) In Teddy's absence, we get to see that much more of Vince McMahon. He owns the company, ya' know. And he's evil. SO evil, in fact, that you might even suspect that he's the kind of guy who'd screw The Undertaker and throw Teddy Long under the bus to take the blame for it.

Hey wait a second...

Flash forward a few weeks later and The Dead Man finally realizes that The Vin Man was playing him for a fool for all of these many long months, and now The Undertaker is set on a collision course with the WWE Chairman himself. Then in "evil authority figure versus rebellious babyface storyline" #1785135, Vince throws villain after villain in the Undertaker's path -- each one bigger and badder than the last. Sure, the matches will have to be kept short since the baddies may not be technical wizards, but they're certainly big and bad enough to attract viewers in spite of their limited in-ring abilities.

Oh look -- short Undertaker matches from now through WrestleMania. Well whaddayaknow?

Rinse and repeat until the "final boss" is defeated at WrestleMania XXVI, and you've got yourself a perfectly acceptable swan song to send The Undertaker off with a WrestleMania retirement storyline that's "larger than the business itself" -- just like The Undertaker.





In this segment, I'll be firing off a handful of micro-commentaries at some of the industry's biggest stars and stories. For those of y'all who aren't familiar with Twitter-style posting, the format is simple:

@Recipient's Name - 140 character message goes here. #MessageTopic

And before you ask: No, these aren't actual tweets.

FAKE TWEETS OF THE WEEK

@The Undertaker - Abducting another onscreen authority figure, eh? Yeah. Cuz that worked so well last time. #WhereToStephanie?

@Scott Armstrong - Beware the Dead Man! Good thing there's no history of bad luck in your family. Oh wait... #ArmstrongFamilyCurse

@AJ Styles @Christopher Daniels - Loved the confetti & show-ending celebration of "two underdogs who finally made it." #DejaVu #PleaseDontKillYourFamily

@Kevin Nash - Tasers, Montreal, One Night in Chyna. #ScrewjobsIneverWannaSeeAgain

@Rhino - A *PUNCH*? Seriously?! Remember when you used to be TNA Champ? #DownwardSpiral

@Hernandez - Cashing in a guaranteed title shot in a FOUR-WAY match? #MathFail

@Cedric The Entertainer - Ug. One more promo like that, and I'm suing for false advertising. #"TheEntertainer"MyAss

@John Cena - Ripping off a Willy Wonka speech? Really, John? #YouGetNOTHING

@Cedric The Entertainer - Never thought I'd say it, but all you people really *do* look the same. #Masks

@MVP - Good news: Autumn has officially arrived. You can put your sleeves back on, now. #Fashion




Ooh... speaking of Twitter:

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WWE No Way Out - WWE's February pitstop between The Royal Rumble and WrestleMania seems to be the next PPV offering on the company's rename-it chopping block, as a survey was sent out on Thursday afternoon asking fans to pick a name for a show where each of the main event contests would be contested inside of the Elimination Chamber. The choices were:

No Way Out

Elimination Chamber

Chamber of Conflict

Battle Chamber

Heavy Metal

Obviously, this move tells fans two things. First, that WWE's PPV-naming department is run by a child WWE is looking to continue the tradition of using the February PPV to feature Elimination Chamber matches. And second, that WWE has every intention of moving ahead with the "every pay per view has a unique gimmick" approach well into their next calendar year.


Regardless of what they name it, the show can't possibly suck worse than this.

Now then --

I've gone on record before as saying that the gimmick-branded PPV concept is actually a pretty smart idea, from a business perspective. By giving each show its own gimmick or theme, WWE is better able to differentiate between them and sell each show as "fresh" and "unique" from one another accordingly.

(Even if each new show will inevitably feature the same familiar combination of performers going toe-to-toe for the umpteenth time in a row).

Still, the move has drawn a great deal of criticism from all corners of the internet wrestling community. Their gripe? Plotting out a series of "pre-gimmicked" PPV events paints the WWE booking year into a corner. These gimmick-themed shows force superstars and storylines to converge at unnatural pinch-points rather than letting the gimmick develop organically in accordance with a given performer or storyline.

(Well, that's what they're *trying* to say, anyhow. It's kind of hard to make it out amid the EPIC FAIL grunting and the like).

Then again --

A "once-a-year" night of Elimination Chambers is certainly no more artificial than a once-a-year night of Survivor Series team battles or a 30-man Royal Rumble," now is it?

Gee, when you look at it that way...

What made us old-school fans care about the Survivor Series or the Royal Rumble in the first place, eh? Chances are, it was because we knew we'd be seeing a gimmick match to set the show apart from the countless other PPV offerings in a calendar year. Sure, also-ran teammates like Shawn Michael's red knight weren't gonna' be their team's sole survivor. And yeah, 25 of those guys or more didn't really stand a snowball's chance in hell of pulling off a Royal Rumble victory. But in either case, the gimmick was different, it was pre-programmed into a "once-a-year" calendar schedule, and the show felt unique... even if it was ultimately the same handful of guys slugging it out for a title shot in the end.

It goes like this:

WWE is working overtime to attract a newer, younger audience that will stay with them for generations to come. In an effort to court these younger fans, the company needs to do everything in their power to make each show seem unique and marketable enough on its own merits so that even the dumbest, youngest of fans can identify that there is a worthwhile reason to plunk down (their parents) money in order to watch the program. New stars, fresh matchups, and well-crafted storylines are vital, granted -- but pro wrestling has long survived more as spectacle than sport, and thus it is hardly out of the question to throw in a gimmick match or two on each card in order to help get the job done.

Ask the Fall Brawl fans, who continue to herald mediocre-at-best shows of yesteryear simply because we were guaranteed a War Games match to close out the show.

Ask Royal Rumble aficionados, who continue to purchase this yearly PPV solely on the basis of an hourlong shmozz.

Heck, ask the old-school King of the Ring or Survivor Series fanboys, who pine for the "glory days" of a PPV where the entire show was dedicated to a gimmick that had absolutely nothing to do with the chase for championship gold.

Long story short:

Gimmick PPVs help shows stand out from one another. And for as "artificial" as these stipulations may be, they're a longstanding tradition of the professional wrestling business. Sure there's been some clunkers along the way. But when the formula works, the right gimmick really can win you a fan for a lifetime.



"Bitch and complain and ye' shall receive"

So two weeks ago, I compiled a season-long guide to the Monday Night Football matchups and attempted to venture an educated guess as to how WWE's ratings would likely fare against each game accordingly. Now sure, there are a LOT of things that can change between weeks one and seventeen -- but the goal of the piece was to size up the relative strength of WWE's Monday Night Football competition, and to set a reasonable slate of expectations for each contest accordingly. That way, when RAW's ratings inevitably dropped in a given week, we'd have a solid frame of reference as to WHY this happened, and that it was, indeed, a perfectly forseeable "bump in the road."

Much to the critics' chagrin? The list has proven more "right" than "wrong," and so I've decided to keep it around as a regular feature and look back at it to keep an eye on RAW's competition for each new week until the NFL playoffs.

(Translation: "Decided to reiterate that the list is indeed valid.")

(Translation: "Decided to rub it in that I was right. As usual.")

LAST WEEK'S PREDICTION:
WEEK 2 (Sept. 21): Indianapolis at Miami: Will it be a "great" week for RAW? Not a chance. But will it be a "good" one? You betcha. The previous week's doubleheader will have taken the rating down substantially, but a week removed from the NFL kickoff should give WWE enough breathing room for a slight uptick here.

ACTUAL RESULT:
WWE Monday Night Raw scored a 3.4 rating -- which is consistent with last week's average. However, the show did hours of 3.29 and 3.6 -- which were slightly better than last week's hourly breakdown of 3.27 and 3.51, respectively. Raw's main competition, Monday Night Football, scored an 11.0 rating.

BOTTOM LINE:
For two weeks running, things went exactly as I had predicted. Monday Night Football continues to steal away fans from WWE's flagship broadcast, but a 3.4 rating two weeks running still means that the vast majority of RAW's audience will be tuning in on a weekly basis unless there's a particularly great game airing on ESPN at the same time.

To quote Jay-Z: "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't."

Or to put it another way: "Hey look - this guy ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT!"

Against some stiff competition, RAW has managed to retain a sizeable majority of their fanbase and is faring exactly as any informed perspective could have told you they would. In short? That's a win. But when MNF games are "must-see," expect RAW's rating to drop.

THIS WEEK'S PREDICTION: (Cut-and-pasted from my September 11 column)
It's the Panthers, it's Cowboys, and it's Monday Night Football. Though Tony Romo is easily the single most overrated player in the NFL (win a game after November and THEN we'll talk, pal) -- the hype machine and a big-time NFC rivalry will simply be too much for RAW to take this early in the season. Expect RAW's rating to suffer accordingly, which could be trouble for the last big go-home show before Hell in a Cell.




AJ Styles Claims TNA World Heavyweight Championship
The Phenomenal One Returns to the Top of the Mountain in Dixie-Land

TNA faithful are rejoicing this week, as company journeyman AJ Styles finally recaptured the promotion's top prize after several years away from holding World Heavyweight Championship gold. The celebration was not without some degree of complaint, however, as AJ's "triumphant return" to the top of the company's food chain didn't quite come at the biggest show of the year (next month's Bound For Glory PPV), nor did it come as a result of a clean or decisive one-on-one encounter against the longtime TNA poster boy in former champ Kurt Angle. Instead, Styles picked up a victory in a four FIVE-way match featuring Angle, Matt Morgan, Sting, and Hernandez.


The second greatest day of AJ's life. The first? That trip to Gatorland with Karen Angle.

Regardless, AJ Styles is now the TNA World Heavyweight Champion -- and he will presumably be defending his newly won championship title against some combination of familiar opponents at next month's Bound For Glory PPV. Early reports are suggesting that TNA may use the show as the swansong for the soon-to-retire Sting, which could result in a "title versus career" bout that pits The Icon and The Phenomenal One in a single's encounter to main event the card.

MeeThinks?

TNA could certainly do a lot worse than Styles vs. Sting as the headline bout for their version of WrestleMania. Sure, it's not quite Shawn Michaels versus Ric Flair -- but Sting is (arguably) the longest tenured and most famous "superstar" ever to have wrestled for TNA for an extended period of time, and AJ Styles is probably the single most competent performer on the roster (perhaps with the exception of Kurt Angle) who could be expected to pair off with this aging Icon of yesteryear in order to give the Stinger (and the TNA fans) a fitting sendoff as a new era dawns for Total Nonstop Action.

Sure, Angle might be a better technical wrestler than AJ -- but a Sting/Angle program has been done to death in the recent TNA storylines, Angle is much closer to retirement than AJ Styles, and the Godfather of the Main Event Mafia is elsewise occupied with TNA's other up-and-comer in Matt Morgan. In the end, then -- the decision to pair Styles with Sting leaves Kurt Angle free to square up accounts with his frustrated young protege, which could result in the Bound For Glory card featuring a pretty solid crop of matches where an aging veteran is given the chance to square off against (and pass the torch to) a younger star.

AJ Styles versus Sting
Kurt Angle versus Matt Morgan
Booker T and Scott Steiner versus Beer Money, Inc.
Mick Foley versus Abyss

But will it happen?

Hard to say. TNA's cadre of "Main Event Mafia" alumni are certainly no spring chickens -- but they seem to be well-entrenched in "Dixie-Land" with no real intent of returning to World Wrestling Entertainment (or anywhere else, for that matter) any time soon. As such, it might be something of a trick to have them pass the torch without burning their last remaining bridge towards gainful employment while they're at it. Though stars like Kevin Nash, Booker T, Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner and Sting certainly bring TNA a great deal of credibility simply by virtue of the fact that they share well over a half a century's worth of professional wrestling knowledge between them, the combined age of these five performers also just so happens to top out at just north of TWO HUNDRED YEARS. Throw in Mick Foley, and it becomes inescapably clear that a full six of TNA's top ten stars are well over 40 years old.

Which doesn't bode well for their in-ring product come 2010 and beyond.

(WWE, by comparison, has a 40-plus main event crowd in just four of their ten top stars: Batista, HHH, Shawn Michaels, and The Undertaker -- two of whom may be retiring within the year)

Long story short:

TNA is staring a "generational" crisis squarely in the face, and the company will need to put the onus on their younger stars if they ever hope to succeed in the long haul. Obviously there are a good number of existing feuds and storylines that seem headed toward a resolution in the immediate future, and one has to believe that there really is no time like Bound For Glory to accomplish exactly that.




This week's random 'rasslin reference actually comes more in the way of a random 'rasslin rumor, as earlier this week, rumors were heating up the seedier 'rasslin sites on the world wide webz that Kanye West had been offered $10 million to take part in three shows with World Wrestling Entertainment, and that the rapper was "seriously considering" the offer. On Tuesday morning, however, WWE's Jim Ross put those stories to rest, effectively saying that no such offer had been made in the direction of "that guy who'd made an ass of himself by trying to steal someone else's spotlight."

And that's a good thing, too. Because for as "controversial" as Kanye's actions may have seemed to the VMA audience, his schtick is hardly new to we wrestling fans.


Sorry, 'Ye. Max Moon pulled that act YEARS ago.

Now maybe my pro wrestling fandom has desensitized me to these sorts of things -- but I just don't see what the big deal is when somebody "rudely" interrupts somebody else's speech at a show that's really no more than a thinly-veiled attempt to sell a particular product. On the Senate floor? Maybe. But on the same show where Britney and Madonna once tongue-wrestled and Eminem staged a fight with a rubber chihuahua? Not so much.

Heck, we see it in professional wrestling ALL THE TIME.

Entertainer #1 takes the stage for some bogus speech/award/trophy/blah blah blah. And seconds later, Entertainer #2 hits the stage and tries to one-up Entertainer #1 and steal the spotlight. Fans react accordingly (growing to "love" Entertainer #1 while they "love to hate" Entertainer #2), and we tune in the next time in even greater numbers than before to see just how Entertainer #1 will respond and/or what kind of crazy stunt Entertainer #2 will pull next.

Sorry, Kanye. I'm actually quite a fan of your music in spite of myself, but your act was old hat in WWE *long* before this latest round of 'rasslin rumors were put to rest.

PS: 808s and Heartbreak sucked.

---

And With That, I'm Outta' Here

That does it for Mee this week. Fall is officially upon us, so get out there and enjoy this gorgeous weather while we've still got leaves clinging to the trees. I'll be back next Friday with more -- so have a great week until then, do whatever it takes to get Wes Welker back in the lineup for this week's game against the Falcons, and always stay positive.

- Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.