The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.29.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 09.29.2009

411’s Jeff Small discusses Raw is Sharpton, TNA’s Beautiful Problem, the final Khali-For-All, Yoshi Tatsu being a player, pictures of random divas, fall out from last week’s Fact or Fiction, similarities between Linda McMahon and Sean O’Haire and more!

FACTion

By now, most of you are aware of the controversy stemming from last week's Fact or Fiction. But in case you aren't, allow me to catch you up to speed:

I was invited for the first time in over seven months to appear on Fact or Fiction

My "opponent" for this evening was 411 reader Paul Cohen

Cohen decided to make a few off-color and/or negative remarks in his responses

133 comments later and nothing was written about Small

Overshadowed, ya think? Considering all of my Smallophiles will have to wait another seven long months (that's April/May 2010) before I grace 411's esteemed column again, it's a shame that the 411 Universe will only remember last week's column due to Paul Cohen.

Clearly, I had all intentions of burying Cohen once and for all in this week's news report. However, I received an email from everyone's favorite negative nancy that had me change my mind. Here's what the real Paul Cohen had to say:

"First, I wish to tell you that I am a huge fan of your column. I never miss it. Second, and I am not sure how this happened, but I apologize for my tone during Fact or Fiction. I had no intentions of overshadowing you. They didn't even tell me who I would be up against. I do not, however, take back anything I wrote. I meant it completely. The sad part is the freaks that have nothing better to do with their time than to bitch & whine about people's opinions as though it was fact. If they spent time with someone other than their parents or their computer screen' they just might have a fucking clue!!! Continue to do the voodoo you do so well. WHAMMY!!!!!

Sincerely,

Paul Cohen"

Since Cohen is a huge fan of my report, I had an idea. Instead of burying him, why not milk this motherfucker for all he's worth? Ladies and gentlemen, in two weeks, Paul Cohen will make his Small-For-All debut! But until then, we have bigger fish to fry.

ARISE KHALI ARISE!!!



I really wish I did not have to write this week's Khali-For-All. But unfortunately, not every Khali-For-All can be light-hearted. Two weeks ago, the evil Kane brutally attacked the Great Khali and shattered his leg so badly that the Great Khali is out with a knee injury. And because I know how important Khali's knees are, I realize that there is a very good chance that the Great Khali as we know him will never be the same. You see, most of you are unaware of the Great Khali's high flying skills. Back in the Punjab, the Great Khali was known as a high-flier akin to an Indian version of Rey Mysterio. During his many years learning the craft, Khali pulled off some of the coolest moves ever to hit the Punjab nation. Moves such as an elbow drop and a leg drop. These death defying moves only added to Khali's lore and helped him sign with the WWE. Unfortunately, like many others, the Great Khali had to learn WWE style. Gone were such awesome moves like a stomp; in its place was generic big man moves like chopping people in the corner.

Sigh.

Now with Khali being out for an undisclosed time, who knows if he will ever go back to his fluid strong style. While knees injuries are very common with professional entertainers, they are uncommon with 7 foot Punjabi Playboys. And considering that 6 foot playboys like Tom Brady have fell off after knee surgery, I am in fear as to what will happen to Khali's wrestling career. Because of this, I unfortunately have to suspend the Khali-For-All indefinitely. While I doubt this is the final goodbye to Khali, it could very well be if he does not have a successful rehab. None of us want to watch a slow-moving, barely mobile hoss. If that's how Khali returns, well I will need a new man-crush. And if this is the end of the Khali-For-All, I would be remiss if I do not end it with a song.



We are the crowd, we're c-comin' out
Got my flash on, it's true
Need that picture of you
It so magical, we'd be so fantastical

Leather and jeans, garage glamorous
Not sure what it means
But this photo of us it don't have a price
Ready for those flashing light
'Cause you know that baby, I



I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me
Great, Great Khali
Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be
Your papa, paparazzi

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Great, Great Khali



Goodbye Khali Goodbye.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix

Yes, Yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that's more delicious than Pretty Ricky– the Small-For-All News Report. In today's report, we discuss Yoshi Tatsu's possible new gimmick, tons of Diva updates, and litter the report with pictures. Because that's what you have to do when you have a slow news week!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Does Yoshi Tatsu have to choke a bitch?

In a recent interview with Tokyo Sun, TNA Knockout Hamada had some choice words for the WWE's Asian Sensation, Yoshi Tatsu. Here's what she said:

"I can't work for WWE. I wouldn't normally object to it, but as long as Yoshi is there, I can't. We met up a few times in Japan and it was terrible. The man is a sleaze and is constantly trying to get a feel of any woman he comes across. When I was eating lunch one time, he sat on my lap and started running his fingers through my hair. When I told him to get off, he did. But he only sat next to me and started doing it again. He asked me for my number, but I wouldn't give it to him and walked away. He followed me and kept asking for it and even stood in front of the garbage can where I was to throw out my lunch. He literally grabbed my lunch from my hands and threw it out. I walked away, but he followed me again and kept tapping me on my shoulder. I wanted to hit him, but I'm not the physical type so I just kept on telling him off. He rubbed my hair again before walking away. On his way out, he blew me a kiss. I saw him a few more times after that, and the same things would happen. I can't be around that man and I hope those women in WWE stay as far away from him as possible. He's trouble."

Oh man, say it ain't so Yoshi. It's one thing if you have a magnet in your pants and cannot control your urges for buns of steel, but it's another thing to play with a woman's hair. Never EVER play with a woman's hair unless she's a deep sleeper. And even then I would make sure I had knocked her out before hand. Listen Yoshi, I know you are new to America and unfortunately have to depend upon Goldust to show you the ropes, but please man , never touch the hair. Why?

A) Because it's really fucking creep y to do in public
B) You've never known where that hair's been
C) The more you touch her hair, the bigger chance she will one day look like this:


Yup, either way it's not pretty.

So Tatsu, unless you want to make overly aggressive fratboy douchebag woman toucher as your new gimmick, I suggest you leave your sexual advances to someone with real swagger like Batista. You're better off that way.

EGOTASTIC!

Seeing as how this is quite the slow news week, I decided to update you all on our favorite WWE Divas's lives!

First off, recently retired announcer Lillian Garcia got married yesterday. Here's a Twitpic:



Congrats Lillian.

Second, in case you were wondering what happened to ECW backstage announcer Courtney Taylor, unfortunately, she's been taken off the road due to personal issues. Hence, why Savannah is now in charge. In case you are wondering who the fuck I'm talking about…



I don't know when I became 411 Wrestling's AJ Grey, but I'll take it!

Third, in case you missed our favorite Dirty Diva, Ashley Massaro is set to pose for Playboy again! Well at least that's what her Twitter page said. I'd post a picture of Ashley's last Playboy shoot, but I'm afraid that my computer will get herpes. And that shit's incurable.

Lastly, it's time for our weekly Linda McMahon update. Here's one of her recent TV ads.



I know what you are all thinking – it's very similar to this promo.



But I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

Woah, a VIP Lounge to kick off Raw. Hmm… I wonder if this is to appease Raw's guest host. And what a surprise – Jericho and the Big Show are party pooping once again.

Quick question: why didn't the lounge's bouncer at least check to see if JeriShow were on the list?

Two minutes later, here's the appeasement. Look, I have no problem with Al Sharpton hosting Raw, but we don't need to pay him any lip service. The fans surely don't.

Is it sad that when "Living in America" plays, I hope that Apollo Creed makes a guest appearance.

I have to say that the JeriShow vs. MVP/Henry feud really helped out both faces. Then again, any feud with Chris Jericho usually leads to both men looking better by the time the feud ends. That said, I'm tired of this matchup.

Yes, comedy with Santino is back. And woah, a Primo sighting! Glad to see his feud with Carlito worked out so well. It's not like the WWE could use any more credible tag teams to take on JeriShow.

Woo hoo – Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox at Hell in the Cell. It will be the hottest bowling shoe ugly match I've ever seen.

Rosa's leather pants seem to suit her quite well. Wowsers, that's a nice ass.

I think Rosa hurt her seaward on the ropes.

OMG – a Statler and Waldrof appearance on Raw. Oh wait, it's just DX.

Yawn, I was hoping the go-home segment would have been more heated than just a verbal threat by DX.

I'm glad to see that Bourne's career is on the up after moving to Raw.

I'm glad to finally see a face not look completely stupid. Thank God Kofi stole his title back.

BTW – how long has it been since Sharpton was seen on TV? It's been close to an hour.

Was it wrong of me to hope to see Santino break the Masterlock? Because it would have surely led to end the end of Chris Masters. Oh and if the five month Chavo vs. Hornswoggle feud leads to JeriShow vs. Chavwoggle at Survivor Series, I might actually give up wrestling for a week.

Woah – Ben Roethlisberger is the special guest host next week! Sure, he's no Peyton Manning or even Joe Flacco, but I'm excited to see what happens next week.

As for this week's guest host, Sharpton wasn't bad though he was the least involved since Money Mayweather.

My biggest pet peeve with Gauntlet matches is that everyone knows that the underdog will always make it to the final match. Because of this, the undercard is always worthless. And hey, remember when Mark Henry pinned Randy Orton in a Gauntlet match? Nope, neither do I.

Cena taps! Cena taps! Cena taps! Of course, it doesn't count but the thought was there.

OMG, the cell is lowering. And look Orton is running away from Cena after Cena was crippled by the tag team champions. I think Orton needs a move to Smackdown as his pussy character is the absolute worst on Raw.

Okay I admit that the chase to the top of the Hell in the Cell was a smart move to close out Raw. It's a great image and certainly makes people believe that a big bump will be coming on Sunday. Of course, it won't (since the glorified stuntman is tasering lunatics on TNA), but it certainly can't hurt to drum up a few more buys.

Overall, this was a decent show to hype Hell in the Cell. Even though all the main matches are rematches from last month, this gimmick is definitely a step up from the submission simulation. I expect a good show on Sunday and hopefully won't be disappointed.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

TNA's Beautiful Problem (SPOILERZ)

From the Observer, "Lacey Von Erich, debuted at this past Tuesday's Impact taping (set to air next Thursday), assisting Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne. The third generation wrestler was strictly signed to replace Angelina Love in "The Beautiful People" faction. Even though Love doesn't have her employment visa, she is still living in Tampa while waiting for everything to be sorted out. The signing of Von Erich would seem to indicate that the company doesn't see Love's visa situation being resolved anytime soon.

While Von Erich most certainly has the looks necessary to be a member of "The Beautiful People," she is worlds apart from Love in terms of wrestling ability, experience and presence. Von Erich started her career in professional wrestling roughly two years ago and has wrestled sporadically throughout that time. It is believed that she has taken part in no more than twenty matches throughout career — far, far less than anyone else on the roster. When she was in WWE's developmental camp in late 2007, she flamed out quickly and didn't receive high marks.

Despite the addition of Von Erich to the "The Beautiful People," the future prospect of the group very much remains in question. Internally, the senior member of the group, Velvet Sky, is still seen as a liability in the ring despite several years of wrestling experience whereas Rayne has essentially been treated as a jobber/punching bag throughout her brief tenure in TNA. In fact, since joining the company in February, Rayne still has yet to score a single pinfall victory on television."

Clearly, Angelina Love's visa problems have massively impacted TNA's Knockout Division. While Lacey might be Wrestlelicious, she definitely cannot fill the boots or even the boobs of one, Angelina Love. TNA has a massive problem on their hands as they now have to find ways to use the group with little in-ring action as possible. If this were the WWE, they would have put a good wrestler with the other two members (as they did with Val Venis in Rights to Censor and Victoria in Vince's Devils). TNA opted to go the other route which might not do much outside of give Awesome Kong another bitch to kill.

No Pon de Replay

In sad news, Spike TV has cancelled all Impact replays. While the ratings for the Saturday morning replay was nothing special (0.3 this past week), I frequently caught up with Impact at that time. For this alone I am upset and the only way to console me is with a morning marathon of Manswers! Because that show rules dood!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

God, this news week was slow. Thankfully, next week, I will have my thoughts from tonight's taping of the 10th Anniversary Smackdown show (which me and JP will be attending) in addition to another "wall of text" from Scott Slimmer. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!