The Wrestling Bard 10.03.09: Wrestlemania Odyssey, Part I

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 10.03.2009

A six-year old boy with no interest in men rolling around in their underwear is dragged with his family to see the first Wrestlemania on closed-circuit television. His life is never the same.

Author's Note: I have NO IDEA how closed circuit TV worked, nor do I know the location of where the fine folks of Chicago went to view Wrestlemania, since it was not on PPV. I'm loosly basing it on Chris Jericho's account of seeing Wrestlemania 2 on closed-circuit TV. Since this is the only one our protagonist will be viewing in said manner, the rest of the columns will be a bit more precise. Thank you for the understanding, and if anyone reading this knows how that worked, or better yet, experienced it, please help a brother out.

It is March, 1985. Ronald Reagan was sworn in for his second term as United States President. The Forty-Niners beat the Miami Dolphins 38-16 to win the nineteenth SuperBowl. Amadeus won Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Johnny Sullivan is six years old, and when he isn't spending time going to his Kindergarten classes at his Chicago Elementary School, he hangs out with his older brother Mike. But Mike's favorite hobby is watching wrestling and it doesn't really hold Johnny's attention span for very long. Whenever it comes on TV, Johnny watches for a few minutes and then goes to the other side of the room to play Monopoly by himself.

Which is why Johnny isn't exactly bouncing up and down on the car ride. Mike is excited, talking about how Mr. T is going to be teaming up with Hulk Hogan to take on Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" comes onto the radio and their mother mentions that Cyndi Lauper is supposed to be on the show. His dad takes a second to mention that Muhammad Ali is supposed to be a guest referee for the main event.

Johnny sighs and thinks to himself, "What's so special about men rolling around in their underwear?"

The car drives into the closed-circuit location. Johnny's parents rush Johnny and his brother through the crowd of people, pay for the tickets, and take the best seats they can get. Johnny looks around. An unpleasant aroma of popcorn, hot dogs, beer and clothes still carrying the smell of the last cigarette forces Johnny to crinkle his nose. And suddenly, a gravelly voice attempting to sing the National Anthem forces him to cover his ears. He looks to the TV screen and sees a balding man with a mustache is apparently responsible for the cacophony. Johnny looks to his left and sees Mike and his dad standing up with their hands on their hearts. He groans and prays that whatever this is, it won't last long.

Johnny folds his arms as a man in a mask sloppily delivers threats. A Hispanic man comes onto the screen and talks a bit, finishing with "Arriba!" A smile cracks Johnny's face and Mike explains that the man is named Tito Santana. Johnny watches the screen as Tito throws punches at the Executioner and then, seemingly out of nowhere, flies through the air and smashes him with a forearm. Johnny's jaw drops and he exclaims "Cool!" "That's Tito's big move!" shouts Mike, but Tito twists around his shrouded opponent's legs into the shape of a four, and the bell rings. The referee raises Tito's hand in and Mike screams, "He stole Valentine's finish!"

A man with a British accent introduces backstage interviews by a black man and a giant man in a black singlet. But Johnny isn't paying attention to that; he is deep in conversation with his brother, who explains that Greg Valentine beat Santana for the Intercontinental Title and Tito wanted it back. "He used Greg's figure-four leglock, so maybe he just wants to prove he does it better!" Johnny has no idea what the word "Intercontinental" means, but he wants Tito to have that Title!

Suddenly, Johnny's attention is stolen by the giant man in the black singlet running full force and crushing his much smaller opponent into the turnbuckles. The giant hits the ropes and hits a big splash on the unlucky Special Delivery Jones. "Holy cow, he killed him!" Johnny gasps. A loud booming voice declares the match to be finished in a record nine seconds, and little Johnny sits in place, stunned at what just happened. His mother mumbles something about "twenty seconds at least" but Johnny isn't listening. He just watched a man die!

Luckily, S.D. Jones is not dead, and Johnny lets out a sigh of relief. Once again, he and Mike are deep in conversation. Johnny learns that the big man's name was King Kong Bundy and he is a force to be reckoned with. "But wait until you see Andre the Giant, he's even bigger!" "BIGGER?" thinks Johnny, agog at the mere thought of it. He briefly sees a man with blonde hair and sunglasses talking about his match between picturing a man the size of a skyscraper and listening to Mike explain that Bobby Heenan has challenged him to slam Big John Studd.

But then, Johnny sees something that makes him forget all about Andre and how big he is.



After seeing this man land on his feet after being thrown over the shoulder, seeing him deliver chops that were right out of a Kung Fu movie, and diving onto his opponent from on high, Johnny Sullivan knows that Ricky Steamboat was going to be his favorite wrestler, with Santana playing a close second. Suddenly, he has forgotten all about how he thought this was going to be the most boring thing of all time. He's now totally enthralled in the action.

So enthralled, that he barely notices nature calling. He says that he has to go to the bathroom, and his mom leads him out, saying "You boys seem to be enjoying it more than I am!" Johnny catches a glimpse of a man in pink zebra stripes before his mother leads him to the bathroom. Johnny finishes his business and his mom leads him back to the seats, passing a few angry men in black jackets and their girlfriends with big hair. He sits down and asks his brother what he missed. "Not much," says Mike, who is clearly bored with the non-action of Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino. The match ends with Bruno Sammartino chasing away Beefcake and his manager. "He looks like grandpa!" Johnny notes. "Actually, Grandpa once took me to see Bruno wrestle in Philadelphia, kiddo," his dad explains. "He's a living legend!"

The next match features Greg Valentine, defending the Intercontinental Title against the Junkyard Dog. Remembering that Valentine stole the belt from Tito Santana, Johnny starts to boo him furiously and cheering on his charismatic opponent. Chants of "JYD" fill the building as the man rolled into Valentine, ramming him with his head. Johnny jumped out of his seat when an exhausted Valentine fell forward onto his face. But Valentine gets the win by putting his feet on the ropes, causing everyone to explode in disapproval. "What's wrong?" Johnny asks innocently as his dad screams "The cheating bast…!" ("STANLEY!" his mother cries out to interrupt him). But Johnny doesn't hear his dad over the screaming crowd. Mike was able to tell him in the commotion that using the ropes was cheating. Suddenly, the boos turn to cheers as Tito Santana comes out to the ring and explains what happened. But the cheers turn to boos again as Valentine acceptsthe count-out loss. Mike explains that he kept his title on a count out.

Johnny crosses his arms and confidently declares, "It's okay. Tito will beat him."

But the raucous booing was nothing compared to what follows, as a "Ayatollah" Freddie Blassie lead his tag-team combination of the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff to challenge for the Tag Team Titles. Johnny may not have understood much about wrestling, but he knows that Russia is the home of the evil commies. Volkoff's singing of the Russian national anthem was drowned out by the crowd, both on screen and in the building, who seemed close to rioting. Johnny loudly cheeres on the champions as Mike tries in vain to explain the rules and that the champions are Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham. Johnny doesn't care what the rules were or who was fighting the commies, he just knows he wants them to lose.

Which makes it even worse when they win. Johnny witnesses history as the first ever title change in Wrestlemania history took place, but he isn't happy about it. Neither wis the crowd. Johnny throws his fists in the air and boosuntil he sees security guards take a couple of loud fans out of the building. Deciding that he didn't want to miss Andre the Giant, Johnny settles down. He's still pretty angry though.

He doesn't have to wait very long for Andre the Giant to appear. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan explained that he was betting $15,000 against Andre's career. The bet was simple. If Andre could slam Big John Studd, he would win the money, but if he couldn't he would have to retire. Distressed that his first time seeing Andre might be the last time, Johnny asks what would happen if Andre lost. "Don't worry, nobody beats Andre!" says Mike in a knowing manner. Still, Johnny has his doubts as the two men trade blows, but he jumps to his feet when Andre slams Studd. Now that his career was safe, John is able to fully appreciate just how huge Andre was, and he is mesmerized. And even though he isn't getting the money that Andre was throwing into the crowd, Johnny feels as though he has won the lottery.

Johnny starts to talk with Mike again during the next match, which his mom and dad seeme much more interested in. He hears the familiar chorus of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" ring out and notices a couple of women in bathing suits, but he doesn't care. He and Mike are discussing the main event tag match. Johnny wouldn't have noticed that the match was over had it not been for the explosive pop when Wendi Richter beat Leilani Kai.

A heavy anticipation fills the audience as everyone starts buzzing about the main event. Their attention seems to be averted as Liberace dances with some girls dancing, but Johnny continues to talk about the match with Mike, even Billy Martin starts the introductions. He does take a moment to cheer for Muhammad Ali, the world famous boxer and the only person he cared about seeing when he was told that he was to be dragged to this show. A procession of bagpipe players play Piper, Orndorff and their third man, "Cowboy" Bob Orton to the ring. Suddenly, a loud rock-and-roll song proclaimed that Hulk Hogan and Mr. T were REAL Americans. Jimmy Snuka accompanies them to the ring, and everyone hinges on every move. Mercilessly booing Piper and Orndorff and loudly supporting Hogan and Mr. T, the crowd's excitement is at a fever pitch. Orton tries to cheat and hit Hogan with his cast, but he misses and takes out Orndorff instead, allowing Hogan to win the match.

On the car ride home, Mike and Johnny relive every memorable moment from the show. They say with certainty that Santana and the U.S. Express would win back the IC and Tag Team Titles. They recall how cool it was that Andre's career would continue and how amazing Ricky Steamboat was. Finally, when they run out of stuff to talk about and fatigue sets in, Johnny starts to doze off. But before he shuts his eyes to sleep, a fleeting thought crosses his mind.

This was the greatest night of his life, and he would never forget it.