Five-Star Conversation 10.06.09: SmackDown! Celebrates A Decade, A Return To WCW, More

Posted by Geoff Eubanks on 10.06.2009

Two words...Vickie's back! We look back at DVD3 of the WCW DVD and, as always, sit down for a nice conversation!

DID YOU KNOW? I want this guy to host Raw:



SmackDown!'s Tenth Anniversary Show
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for SmackDown! even from the very beginning. The one-night only special was like Vince's little gift to me as it occurred one day before my birthday in 1999, before reappearing as a series later that year on August 26 and eventually evolving into its own brand. The show has certainly had its share of highs and lows over the last decade, and I was proud to have analyzed the show for three-and-a-half years in The R's before moving on to found this column.

It's a great thing to be watching The Silver & Blue reclaim its place as the wrestling brand under the WWE umbrella (as opposed to Raw's role as Uncle Vinnie's Sports Entertainment Circus Bonanza and ECW as the televised developmental) and it's my sincerest hope that we continue to see such a thing continue to take us into the next decade of SmackDown! programming.

All that considered, I thought I'd share some thoughts where last Friday's Tenth Anniversary show was concerned. Like to hear it? Here it go.

Hmm. I had forgotten about Arnold Schwarzenegger having had a guest spot on the show early on. Considering how he's contributed to making my home state an embarrassment in which to live, I wish Triple H had connected with that blow. I mean, really, when casting the latest in the Terminator franchise, no one said, "Hey! I know! Let's get Jerry Brown!" But don't let's get political.

It strikes me watching the opening historical montage how many important players on the modern WWE landscape made their debuts on SmackDown!, John Cena, Batista, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, just to name a few.

Has that kiss between Stephanie McMahon and Eric Bischoff ever been explained…? You know, Bischoff tales quite the verbal beating from me this week (don't cry for him, he'll survive), but I have to give him props, I absolutely LOVED him as the doddering old minister at Billy & Chuck's domestic partnership ceremony. Honestly, I had no idea that was he at all! Well done, you insufferable bastard!

Price check on Jackass! I've ripped on Bakersfield a lot, too, but I gotta say, filming the Steve Austin/Booker T market-wide beat-down at the humble Green Frog market (just blocks from where my high school swim team practiced) was awesome!

Can anyone forget that moment when The Big Show superplexed Brock Lesnar to the mat and the ring broke? Yes, of course it was staged, but what an awesome finish! Of course, today, we can't manage to allow Tazz' perfect announcement, "Holy ****!", obviously even censored back in the day.

It really is a shame that this Anniversary Show had to happen without Mysterio, Edge, Lesnar and JBL, as virtually their entire WWE careers (or at least the parts of them that made the greatest impact) has unfolded here on SmackDown!. I suppose that could be true for Kurt Angle (who got a surprising amount of air time on this retro package), as well.

All in all this was a fun trip down memory lane and a great way to open this special night. I'm also a big fan of the new theme song and opening video package!

We started off with a match pitting newly acquired Batista versus Kane. The less said about this the better, really. I mean, I grow to dislike Batista the more I see him and the more this walking "Danger-prone Daphne" is allowed to accomplish, despite the fact that he requires more time off than Edge and The Undertaker combined. Conversely, I've never not liked Kane, but I think, as with Batista, we've kinda hit the wall in terms of what we're going to see from him, therefore, it's tough to really expect much.

I understand why this match is happening. Let's not forget, this isn't just the SmackDown! Tenth Anniversary show, it's also the go-home for, what I feel, is one of the riskier PPV notions of the year, HELL IN A CELL. Gimmicked PPVs are an iffy notion to begin with, having them back-to-back seems completely over- and yet under-thought to me, to say nothing of adding in a pinch of desperation. That aside, the reunited team of Batista & Rey Mysterio are to challenge The UTTCs, JeriShow (Obviously, I'm writing this beforehand) and having Dave square off against Kane makes sense, since Kane is 1) at a loose end until Khali returns to exact revenge and 2) Kane is the largest active man on the roster against who The Animal can focus a game plan prior to hooking up with Show. This was absolutely nothing special, unless you're a Batista fan, which pretty well ensures you'll love whatever WWE shoves down your throat, with Big Dave getting the win and momentum to the PPV, where I expect JeriShow to sadly lose their belts.

From here we go to a much more entertaining portion of the show, the multi-branded backstage celebration that saw General Manager Teddy Long greeting his guests, who were all admirably getting on quite well. He makes his way to the bar where he welcomes Michael Cole back to SmackDown!, if for just tonight (thank Flair). Cole manages to announce "Vintage Hornswoggle!" as The Horny Little Bastard smacks a lovely Maria on the hinder (and a nice, solid smack it was!), even though it really makes no sense, other than to set up a running gag as the evening progresses. Oh, wait, now we get "Vintage Finlay" when The Fighting Irishman orders shots of whiskey from his son. Either that, or he was commenting upon Fit's cringe-worthy "Boogie Nights" par-tay in da club shirt from back in these days:



Now, that's vintage Finlay!

As Teddy attempts to honor Finlay's toast by throwing back his shot, CM Punk makes his appearance to chastise his boss, proclaiming that, as long as he's The WC, SmackDown! will be played out under prohibition rules. Of course, ain't a damn ear turned by his self-righteous soliloquy. And here's a question for Punk, if Straight-Edge is so damn hot, why, in the ten-year history of SmackDown! is he the first Straight-Edge champion?

Long moves on through the revelers to be accosted by…Holy cow! Is that…? YES!!! YES!!! It's Vickie Guerrero!!! And sporting a new, and, might I add, completely more age-appropriate, and so, thus, much more attractive hairstyle! She greets Long and instructs him to give her a smooch on the cheek. He obliges tentatively and, as he leans in, we get Vintage Moo-Moo-Cita as she pulls the most awesome disgusted eye roll for the camera, and I'm laughing my ass off! Vickie then introduces Long to her new beau, Eric. He has presence and seems to know how to create a character vibe, but I'll be damned if I understood a word he said. I'll look into this guy later and get back to you next week, but Vickie announces that, not only is she managing Eric, SmackDown!'s newest talent, but, with, Mr. McMahon's blessing, she returning full-time to SmackDown!!! HOT DAMN!!! Triple M is BACK! My Malevolent Mexican Moo-Cow has come home to me! Long, of course, couldn't be less stoked if The Brooklyn Brawler walked up and goosed him from behind, to which Vickie lays down the classic line, "What's wrong, Teddy? You look a little pale…" LOVES it.

Of course, instead of The Brawler, a gloved hand, accompanied by a GONG! lands on Long's shoulder, teasing an appearance by Taker. As the camera pans back, though, unless The Deadman fell asleep in the sauna, we see whoever is accosting Long is quite a bit smaller than Taker. It ends up being Santino Marella…remember him? Marella complements Long on a great costume party as Long finally downs the shot, one assumes to refill his bladder, as he just spilled its contents down his leg.

Back from break, the party continues as Cole jumps the gimmick shark for the night with "Vintage shrimp!" Okay, now, you're done, Cole, go back to Raw now. Hornswoggle shows up with a tray full of whiskey shots as Cole asks him to go grab another tray of shrimp. Get it…? Shrimp? Hornswoggle becomes my new hero by laying down some Sweet Shin Music on everyone's favorite retarded announcer.

We move on to a spot where MVP is hosting a VIP Lounge with tag team partner Mark Henry bouncing the door. Basically, they deny Zack Ryder entrance while allowing the rest of the party in, including Sergeant Slaughter and, I'll be damned, an Iron Sheik sighting that doesn't include showing up at the airport in his own t-shirt from the ‘80s to cut a promo on Hogan to anyone with a camera phone!

We come back to earth with a fantastic video tribute to the late Eddie Guerrero. As is always, without fail, the case with WWE's production department, we were treated to a superb video package, spotlighting some of the greatest moments of the amazing life and career of one of the most talented and beloved performers of his generation. I'll admit to having misted up a bit. There can be no mistaking, ours is a sport where too, too many leave us too, too soon, but Eddie's passing is still one of the hardest to take. He should have been here at tonight's celebration, and, in spirit, I'm sure that he was.

No mean feat to follow that, but the show must go on, and on it went with a mid-card tag spectacular, pitting the teams of The USC John Morrison and The ICC Kofi Kingston against their respective challengers for Sunday's PPV, Dolph Ziggler and The Miz. It should be mentioned, too, that the ICT match is a sudden-death Triple Threat, the third competitor involved being Jack Swagger, who is sitting at the announcer's desk, but says two sentences before Kingston is announced, encouraging him to make a production (and a rather counter-productive and pointless one, at that) of throwing his headset to the ground. WTF? Wouldn't it make more sense to have had Swagger make his presence known throughout this match by going back and forth with the announcers? This makes no sense to me and, at this point, I'm expecting the match to be thrown by Swagger's interference, or at least for him to cost Kingston the victory.

All in all, this was a fun little match, although it never really felt all things were really clicking for me. However, considering these guys don't really all get to work with one another all too often, considering the brand divisions here, plus the fact that they're all still fairly young with varying amounts of experience, that really isn't a fair indictment. Plus, considering they all are involved in high-profile matches (at least as much as mid-card matches get anymore) at the PPV, they can't be blamed for not going full-bore, rather simply giving us a hint of what we're likely to see on Sunday, which was the point of this exercise entirely. That's not to suggest that this wasn't any good, not at all; this was certainly entertaining and engaging and the raucous live crowd was into the action big time, a good sign for these four men who, as Jim Ross said, WWE is expecting to be a big part of its future.

In the end, Morrison and Ziggler both tagged in, The ICC getting the immediate better of his challenger, The Miz threatening to throw the odds, but was cut off at the pass, Miz opting to drop off the apron as opposed to scoring some sly offense on his former partner, Kingston wowing the crowd by soaring off the apron to demolish The Miz on the floor. However, a distracted Morrison was easy pickings for The Zig-Zag and the three, thus allowing Ziggler some definite momentum heading to the PPV (although convincing me he'll likely not score he belt just yet, rather, more likely, next month at Bragging Rights, appropriately named, if that goes down). And Swagger just kinda ends up standing there at ringside looking lost. Hopefully that's a red herring and he scores the belt to save face. Otherwise, we should see The Miz realize his goal of scoring the belt, as poor Kingston's done exactly jack and shit with it during this tenure, except walk around with a target on his back.

We return to the back where Yoshi Tatsu (who looks kinda like someone I used to, uh, know) and Funaki being interrupted by Jigglin Hall at a little HBKaraoke, then we switch to Slaughter and Sheiky doing their nationalistic version of "Tastes great/Less filling", until Sheik gets some shrimp lodged in his windpipe, The Hurricane (who looks like The Predator with his long hair and HurriMask) making the save with the Heimlich, forcing the regurgitated shrimp to land on the table between Finlay and Cole, who is now wearing a black cowboy hat and is decidedly shitfaced, because he's moved on to espousing other people's catch phrases. "Boomer Sooner!" he proclaims as he pops the regurgitated shrimp in his mouth and I throw up in my mouth a little. This segment's a bust so far…except for the discerning eye spotting Slam Masta J in the background doing his Daddy proud, holding an entire, though half-empty bottle of Jim Beam!

Ah, here are JeriShow to Save Us! Chris Jericho reminds those in attendance that he and his partner, The Big Show, were on the very first installment of SmackDown! and, as such, everyone should start to show them the respect to which they are entitled, which, of course, is the cue for Cole Slaw to vomit all over Jericho's shoes, prompting one of the most priceless expressions I've ever seen from him. Show then looks over Jericho's shoulder to view Cole's intestinal fortitude, pulls his own awesome face and, sadly off-camera, hurls what has to be one of the greatest professional wrestling/projectile vomiting since Mae Young Bronco-busted Eric Bischoff with anchovies in her panties. I was really expecting this segment to become a re-enactment of the pie eating contest from "Stand By Me", but luckily, we simply saw Joey Styles turn and bust out his classic "Oh my God!" and we were off to break.



I could rattle on a paragraph or two about my growing concern that Jericho, who should be mixing up a stale as hell main event on Raw if we really wanted to keep fans from nodding off or turning the station on Mondays, but we all know this implicitly anyway, so let's move on.

I never thought I'd hear from The Rock ever again on WWE-TV. Really. He seemed to have pulled a Brock Lesnar at the behest of his agent and made a pretty clean break from the world of professional wrestling, but he was here tonight, albeit via videotape. Did it seem to anyone else, though, that, judging by how hot the crowd was tonight, the response was, comparatively tepid in The Rock's regard, as opposed to what we'd have seen, maybe even five years ago? This isn't a diss on The Rock, it just seems to me that he's been away a good long while now, time has moved on and there's a good 1/3 of the WWE fan base who don't know him outside of "Race To Witch Mountain", and so therefore were unfamiliar with a lot of his classic shtick…?

Ah, but Rocky's still got it and looks as if he's beefing up for a role or something. Hasn't he been a little leaner than that in recent years? He's still got that unparalleled charisma and his own unique brand of wit that made him a household name back in the day. He managed to get in all of his old promo spots, managed to say "ass" more times in the span of five minutes than we've heard on WWE-TV in the last year, plus put over the SmackDown! main event. Great stuff all around, and I think he'd be a stellar choice to be the person to host the next three-hour Raw, which has already been scheduled and, although I can't recall who is slated to be the guest host, I remember being fairly dubious about the selection, especially for an extended broadcast. Apparently, Rock's new movie has him in a tutu. Okay, man, if that Mr. Nanny shit has it over performing in WWE, go ahead on, but thanks for keeping it real and returning to your roots.

We had a little pit stop with the LumberJills match for the Women's Title following, Melina challenging Michelle McCool. This was sloppy and completely unremarkable, except for the fact that we actually saw some long-term continuity as Beth Phoenix reached up from the floor to trip up Melina, allowing McCool to nail her ripped off Styles Clash finisher, The Faith Breaker, for the successful defense. Melina was totally over, especially with the fans who were confused by The Rock, but McCool's reaction was so tepid, I thought Carlito was on his way out.

The Undertaker followed his woman with a typical Taker backstage promo where he warned Punk what he was getting himself into this Sunday. Don't get me wrong, typical Taker is head and shoulders above virtually anything else you'll get from anyone on any level, but, if you've heard one of these types of promos, and if you're reading this, you have, you've heard them all.

Our last foray into the backstage party saw Drew McIntyre stop the proceedings to, basically, toast himself, further leading to the beginning of his rise as a top heel on SmackDown!, that was interrupted when R-Truth pounced him, leading to the typical brawl that ends all such situations.

Finally, the "biggest main event in SmackDown! history" was precluded by the longest ring entrance segment in SmackDown! history, as LEGACY teamed with CM Punk to face D-GENERATION-X, John Cena and The Undertaker, whose entrance alone is long enough to make a risotto, home brew a batch of porter and eat a friggin Choc-O-Dile.



Too, I could complain here about the fact that we have guys like HBK, who has steadfastly refused to slum it on Fridays ever since he returned full-time to WWE (although I'm sure some of you walking encyclopedias will likely prove me wrong with some obscure one-night appearance at some point over the last decade) and Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase who have yet to have made it over to The Silver & Blue in the main event on the anniversary show (especially while mainstays like JeriShow, MVP and Matt Hardy practically get the night off), but let's move on. I know, I know, we needed to have a huge end off to the PPV.

And, actually, the formula here was pretty exceptional. Of course, the crowd was absolutely nuts for this contest, especially as it involved the top three stories headed into the PPV, but, in such a populated environment, all eight men could see a decent amount of action without really having to commit to any singularly significant amount of ring time, thus helping to keep them well and healthy on the way to what stands to be a grueling ordeal for them all inside the deadly confines of The Cell (Wow, I sounded like JR just then…hahaha).

The action here was fast-paced, and if any two performers logged more ring time than any others, it was Rhodes and DiBiase, who, I think are really coming into their own and finally standing solidly on their own two feet, emerging out of Orton's shadow. I'm finally starting to see that which everyone else behind the curtain has claimed to have seen all along in DiBiase's regard (boy, does he have his dad's fist drop!) and I'm of the opinion that, if Cody had Dustin's size, he'd be a world champion already.

Amid rumors of a major surgery in his off-time since WrestleMania, Taker looked great here, although he also was in the ring the least amount of time, thus, his contribution was more psychological than physical, as Boston grew restless and really wanted to see Death Valley's Demon get his cold hands on Punk. However, that was teased in genius fashion, but was not to be, a fantastic tool in riling fans to buy the PPV, because people want to see Taker hold the belt again and they want to see him do it at Punk's painful expense, the basic A to B of selling a PPV.

Ironically, the other story really being told here was for the WWET. Too, we didn't see a whole lot of one-on-one Orton/Cena, but Cena was allowed his superman spot as he managed to get both Rhodes and DiBiase up in Attitude Adjustment position, selling his strength, but failed to follow through, preventing 2/3 of LEGACY from looking too weak headed into the match of their young careers thus far.

If anyone got the short stick it was Orton, who ate the ultimate pinfall by having been Tombstoned, a seeming pawn in Taker's game of message sending to Punk. Orton needs momentum now more than ever as he looks to regain his title from Cena who, after months of being unable to get the job done, is back hitting his stride at a time when Rhodes and DiBiase are too busy with DX to offer him any help (not that any could be offered in The Cell anyway). Orton also found himself alone in the ring at the match's end, where he found nowhere to run, as all four opponents guarded a corner. Orton, friends, was PWN3D.



One thing I really enjoyed about this match, as was the case with the Women's Title match, that there was a healthy dose of continuity remembered because all was not sunshine and roses in the faces' corner. Taker and HBK were eyeing one another like a wild animal glares at prey it wants to take down, but knows, for whatever reason, it can't. Perhaps Taker is recalling the first Cell match in history, where HBK marred Taker's perfect record in The Cell while HBK is miffed over Taker having overcome Michaels' career-long, perfect record over The Dead Man at WrestleMania…? Could we be planting seeds for a rematch?

Altogether, this was a fun show that really did feel special, even if a little contrived and silly at times. Granted, it seemed to me that there was just as much emphasis placed on the impending PPV as the Anniversary at hand, but then, considering there's more money to be made from the PPV than an Anniversary (that should technically have happened about a month-and-a-half ago to have been truly accurate), that's the nature of the beast, especially where WWE is concerned. Here's to ten more years!

BTW, since we've seen some poor ratings for SmackDown! since The Draft, I was curious as to what exactly consists of Friday night competition, so I rolled through some basic cable/network channels during a commercial. Here's what I found: Guy Fieri (I'm sorry, I fucking hate this 41 year-old frat boy), The Kardashians, The Real Housewives, "Coming To America", Spongebob, America's Funniest Home Videos, Hannah Montana, whatever shit MTV was airing, Antonio Sabato, Jr's show on VH1, "Police Academy", "Forest Gump", and America's Next Top Model. Obviously, there's no one watching television at home on Friday nights, because that's one of the all-around shittiest line-ups I've seen a good goddam long time, so I think it's safe to say the average rasslin fan is out tipping bartenders instead of chilling at home on Fridays.

The Rise & Fall of World Championship Wrestling, DVD3, Part One
It was my intention to wrap this up this week, but with the Anniversary this week, I'm splitting up this pseudo-review and we'll finish next week.

First up on DVD3, we have Ric Flair defending his WCW WHT against The Giant, AKA The Big Show. Obviously, we're seeing the "genius" of Eric Bischoff beginning seep into the product here like the indelible piss stain that he was. Big guy? Giant? LOVE it! Let's go with that! (I am refraining from sharing my personal vitriol where The Giant's manager, Jimmy Hart, is concerned, out of respect for TheGun). It's totally weird seeing Show so young and so fit (NOT in the British slang meaning of that term, thank you!!!), and the only thing creepier than seeing him in that snug little singlet is seeing Flair Style-&-Profile to the ring, walk that aisle, eef you wee-yull, flanked by a couple of dead chicks (Nancy Benoit & Elizabeth; Nancy's kayfabe screams lamenting the beating Flair takes here are too easily appropriated to that fateful day…*cringe*). My heart wants to launch on a diatribe about how this industry can be so brutal not even the ladies involved in it are safe, but we all know, so let's just move on.

God bless Bobby Heenan. Here he is, one of the greatest commentators the business has ever known flanked by a couple of talent vacuums like Eric Bischoff and Steve McMichael. Why not just give Sid a headset, too? "There's two things you don't do to a country boy," Mongo loudly proclaims with that voice custom made for commentary (please note the bitter sarcasm), "mess with his dog and mess with his woman." Of course, for most of them, this rings true because that's a redundant statement. Think about that one.

And there's the Patron Saint of Country Dumb, Debra McMichael at ringside, too, auspiciously without her beauty pageant crown. Seriously, if this chick were any more white trash, she'd have to bathe with the garden hose because the tub was busy cooking a batch of meth. If she were any more white trash, she'd have a summer home in Bakersfield. You know, I recall reading an interview with her in the WWF Raw Magazine back in the late ‘90s where she claimed her secret hidden talent was that she was actually quite a good actress. I couldn't contain my laughter as I wondered when she was planning on sharing that talent with us. I am a staunch believer that spousal abuse is wrong and that if her claims of abuse against Steve Austin are true, that he should be held accountable, but, to quote Chris Rock, "I don't condone it…but I understand…!"

It seems to me that this match can be viewed two ways:

On the one hand, we see (still another) change in power at the top of the WCW brass food chain, signified by the dominant victory and title switch to a new performer in The Giant over the single most established fixture of the old guard in Flair. This was a statement to John Q. Wrestling Fan that WCW was heading in a different direction, that they were intending to throw some spit-&-polish on their product and were gearing up to compete head-to-head with The WWF in attempt to usurp Vince's product as the immediate mental go-to in household name status where professional wrestling was concerned. This was WCW's first mistake, in my opinion, and I'll tell you why. It's the same fundamental mistake that TNA is making right now. Rather than forge its' own identity and self-brand in a unique manner, WCW simply took Vince's blueprint and tried to tweak it, assuming fans would hold true to the old adage "If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be a duck". Bischoff's bombastic ego made him believe that he could out-Vince Vince at his own game simply by changing a couple rules. We saw where that ultimately got him.

(Incidentally, juxtapose Bischoff's game plan with what Paul Heyman did with ECW, and you'll see the fundamental difference in approach. WCW was too preoccupied with trying to pretend it was Vince McMahon, even buying off a majority of Vince's old toys to play with, but still eventually went under. Meanwhile Heyman was revolutionizing what professional wrestling was and could be, discovering fresh talent he was able to mold and present without a pre-existing context in the fans' minds, as opposed to luring, say, Sensational Sherri over and simply re-naming her Sensuous Sherri, another reason I grew to hate WCW at this period in time, to such an extent that Vince eventually stole the spirit of ECW, rebranded it with a multi-million dollar budget and allowed just waited for an overzealous Heyman to over expend spend ECW into bankruptcy. Make no mistake about the demise of ECW, there has never been a greater wrestling marketer than Heyman, but he has no business financially managing a gumball machine.)

On the other hand, in his attempt to "revitalize" the company, Bischoff also managed to effectively squat and take a huge steaming dump on the history of what made The NWA and the original WCW great in the first place. Remember what we discussed last week? All those phenomenal matches that was the flesh, blood and bones of the heyday of the company? This match symbolically draws back and kicks all of that right squaw in the nuts, as Eric Cartman would say.

Look, I understand and appreciate the professional jealousy involved in looking to the top of your mountain, seeing the unparalleled paragon sitting at its' zenith and wanting to be in that position; that, for better and worse, is human nature, simple and plain (moreover, it's the general basis of capitalism). However, when you cut out your heart believing it to be ballast easily jettisoned in the misinformed quest to run faster, you're obviously killing yourself, even if you're too numbed and intoxicated by the revelry of ambition to recognize the pain at the time.

(This is where I feel WWE is making a mistake now, if only in part. Of course, WWE honors the legacy of professional wrestling, but only Vince's vision of it. Sure, it's okay to recognize and glorify all the franchises Vince put out of business now that it's all "ancient" history, but we still only honor those names upon whom Vince sees fit to bestow accolades. If you need an example, consider the fact that Koko B. Ware has been inducted into The WWE Hall of Fame ahead of, say, Randy Savage, Jake Roberts or Owen Hart. That's not a diss on Koko, he really was a revolutionary high-flyer of his time, and to be so honored is nothing anyone could expect him to opt out of, but really…)

Philosophy aside, this match was crap. Part of the reason I'm so down on this has nothing to do with the actual switch. Flair had won and lost Big Goldie more times than anyone else in the history of the business and putting the strap on an impressive, intimidating youngster is fine and well, provided it's done properly. But this wasn't. It stands to reason that the older a competitor becomes, the more experience he accumulates and the better he gets at utilizing it to his advantage. Ring smarts were always one of Flair's greatest weapons when he went to war in the squared circle. We discussed last week how many of the clichés we‘ve come to associate with modern-day wrestling stems from the vintage days when such tricks of the trade were new and performed so well that they became hallmarks of psychology and execution. The fact that Flair was the quintessential thinking man's wrestler is another such example. Flair always had a plan. Flair always had back up, especially with The WHT on the line. For Flair to come to the ring with a couple of chicks as opposed to Horseman-like allies is significant of the manner in which Bischoff simply didn't get Flair's character, preferring to turn him into a caricature of himself. The Flair who made his (and, largely, The NWA's) name on bleeding and sweating and paying the price would never have walked that aisle in the face of such a threat of this magnitude with such arrogant caprice. Oh, he'd bring the arrogance, certainly, but he'd carry that self-assurance because he'd have a back-up plan if he wasn't able to get the job done on his own.

This was Flair being jobbed out, plain and simple. Naitch was allowed two decent shots on The Giant, a low blow while his ladies distracted the ref and a right cross with a set of brass knuckles, at which point he twisted on The Figure-Four, only to have The Giant sit bolt upright, an expression of determined rage across his face, reaching out a meaty paw to clutch the champion around the throat, leading to a match-winning chokeslam.

As I said, there's nothing wrong with a title change, and I hope you're not reading this thinking I'm displeased with this match because Flair lost, I'm not. Rather, it's the manner in which we reached the end result that I find distasteful and dishonoring. Establishing The Giant as the proverbial and ultra-dominant new sheriff in town didn't have to come at such a cost. We still could have seen a solid, competitive match where Flair's Finesse and expertise was overshadowed by The Giant's sheer size and power. Never in his storied career had we seen Flair have to overcome a challenger boasting such power and size, not against Luger, not against Vader, not against Koloff. That's just simple psychology, the build to the match and the match itself really writes itself (and, therefore, should have dictated a better story for the sorry excuse for commentary we had here).

If this match was intended to signify the dawning of a new era, Bischoff got such era off to a whimper by ignoring some of the basics of simple storytelling. If it wasn't, it was little more than an exercise in emasculating a legend. Either way, this is an embarrassment to the craft, and by no fault of the performers involved.

A-ha, now we're talkin. A 21 year-old Rey Mysterio defends The WCW CruiserWeight Title against former champion Dean Malenko. This is a shining example of one of the few things WCW got right in its final four or so years, although, again, we have Heyman to thank for this, since Bischoff had wisdom enough to rip off Heyman's innovative idea of featuring in prominent fashion CruiserWeight action and the international athletes who best exemplified that style of performance.

For instance, there's one sequence where Malenko kips up as Mysterio runs past him and bounces off the far rope. It's not even a real move, just a set-up for one, but the graceful symbiosis with which the perfect camera angle catches this transitional action, these two spectacular athletes don't even have to be hitting a move to be impressive. This is truly capturing a lost moment in time, making this set a strong consideration for purchase in and of itself.

The only example of WarGames, a long-standing NWA/WCW tradition, makes its appearance next as we see the epic battle between TEAM WCW: Arn Anderson, Lex Luger, Ric Flair & Sting and THE NEW WORLD ORDER: Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan & nWo Sting. I can see how and why McMahonagement decided to offer only this one instance of WarGames here, as well as this particular instance, for a couple of reasons:

For one thing, to the modern fan, especially, WCW is synonymous with the war against The nWo, as Bischoff continued to wage his own personal war to run The WWF out of business, and this was the angle with which he almost managed that feat. It stands to reason that it would be Bischoff's crowning glory, as well as the example Vince would want to hold up to fans, since this was the story that had his company on the ropes for 84 consecutive weeks.

Second, should the rumors be true and WWE is planning a WarGames-exclusive DVD set, it stands to reason that, although plot-pivotal at the time, this is not necessarily remembered as being one of the more highly-regarded examples of the gimmick in and of itself, thus, if offered here, where it makes sense, it might free up some space on the WarGames DVD for other, better-remembered such matches, that will likely include more vintage (pardon, but sometimes the term really does deserve to be used, and not just an overused Cole-ism) Horseman footage, of which we already have a fair amount here on DVD2.

Finally, and most obviously, this was a turning point for WCW, as we saw perhaps the height of dissention and mistrust in the ranks of the company (in terms of kayfabe), as evidenced here with the Sting situation. This is a point the commentary team of Schiavone, Heenan and Rhodes really do well to drive home. I talk a lot of trash about the latter-day WCW announcers, but this trio really does a fine job of selling the dire consequences The nWo presented for WCW as a company, considering the fact that no one in WCW really knew if they could trust one another in the face of the new wave of changing times within their company brought on by the threat of Hogan, Hall & Nash's united front.

That said, though, for me, personally, this was where the WCW did this:



The whole fake Sting deal was just ridiculous to me. I mean, I understand that two minutes of absolute sunken heart betrayal where fans were led to believe (and in convincing fashion, too!) that Sting had turned on them when they saw fake Sting join the fray on the side of The nWo, believing that, at that point, anything truly was possible, following Hall & Nash's WWF defection and Hogan's shocking heel turn. But it was only for two minutes. This was the kind of thing that could and should have been played with for a good long time, in terms of the fake Sting, who I don't think was a factor prior to this match. What bothers me is the fact that they kept on with fake Sting after the fact, after we knew where the real Sting's loyalties lied, even if he was just on his own side as he bided his time for WCW to make plain the depth of their embarrassment and sorrow for having ever doubted his loyalty. It just seemed like beating a dead horse, although that's what The nWo eventually felt like to me anyway, so I'm not surprised.

A memorable match for the United States Title follows, contested under Ladder Match rules, pitting Syxx against Eddie Guerrero. The match itself is a damn fine one, although it seems to me that I think I've read that Eddie was disappointed with it, believing they could have done a better job, but I could be mistaking that with Chris Jericho, so don't take that as gospel. This match took place before Ladder Matches were really coming into prominence in the business, 1997. I don't believe the whole TLC gimmick had been yet been created and the two HBK/Hall contests were still pretty much the benchmark for such contests, and you could see that here. There was really nothing much in the way of innovation, as we'd see in the coming years on Edge & Christian and The Hardy Boyz' behalf, but, at this point, just having the balls to get out there and pull off this kind of barbarism and make it look as effortless and, if I can say this in such a twisted manner, pretty as do Syxx and Eddie here is admirable enough.

The finish drove me a little crazy, as here are both men standing on opposite sides of the ladder, each reaching up to unsnap the belt, and they both end up holding the strap as it's unfastened, such that a little slap fight ensues, Eddie finally heaving the portion of the belt he controls into the face of Syxx, sending his nWo opponent to the mat, but the belt falls, too, so Eddie has to jump down and retrieve the belt to be declared the begrudged winner by nWo referee Nick Patrick.

That's just lame booking (pretty much what you got out of WCW at this time when it tried to be creative on its' own, straying from "borrowing copiously" from The WWF, ECW and Japan) and an honest mistake following a rugged, high-impact match. However, what kills this contest for me, because I genuinely love both performers, especially at this stage of their careers where their in-ring abilities are concerned, is the commentary. This match took place at one of the "nWo-produced" PPVs, where the bias was pronounced, indeed, stifling. Nick Patrick, bless him, was the only referee for the entire show (aside from a Steiners match occurring earlier in the night where they were allowed to have a non-biased referee, and we know this because commentator Bischoff won't SHUT THE FUCK UP about it the entire goddam match), WCW wrestlers are disallowed entrance music, instead, coming to the ring to a pre-recorded "Loser" sample and a degrading (and in this case, racist) ring entrance.

The worst of the affair, though, is the overbearing commentary provided by Bischoff and Ted DiBiase. Of course, it's nWo kayfabe to be sarcastic, obnoxious and ridiculously biased, but when, eg, Bischoff goes on this five minute diatribe about how Syxx is out there competing for all the working class families, who are trying to make ends meet, working hard for their money and look to an exciting, "one-man rock concert" like Syxx for escapism from their sad, pathetic, mundane little existences, when, literally thirty seconds later, DiBiase is bitching about the fans cheering "EH-dee! EH-dee!" it's just a little better than unbearable and still another huge reason why I checked out on this portion of this company's history.

Well, I hate to end this on a down note, but we'll finish off WCW next week. Now, a little levity before we dig into the proverbial mailbag.

I ended up watching The Soup and Chelsea Lately back-to-back after having made a hefty dent in a bottle of Skyy and came up with this stuff. Indulge me. Or don't and skip down.

Khloe Kardashian is pregnant, an amazing feat, considering she only does anal.

Mariah Carey wants to be a mom. That means she'll end up a MHKFWTF. Mom Her Kid's Friends Will Totally Fuck. You KNOW she'll be long-divorced from Nick Cannon by the time her kid hits puberty and will be all sluttin around her crib at 55 in a filmy penoir and high-heeled shoes with the little puff balls on them, all trying to hit on the kid's male friends.

It was announced by The Learning Channel that Jon Gosselin will no longer be featured on "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and will be replaced by Dick Sargeant. Seriously, those poor kids are gonna be so fucked up when they get older. I just hope I live long enough to see the day when one of the girls gets knocked up by whichever one of K-Fed and Britney's boys that doesn't end up queer. Although, for the one who DOES, he can keep it in the family and be quite spoiled for choice, since we know Kate will turn all her boys gay.

In related news, Jon Gosselin made an appearance at Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood last weekend to launch his new milkshake. No lie. The milkshake is pretty standard. Mocha with a chocolate ribbon and topped with whipped cream. What really makes it a Jon Gosselin shake is that it's served in a douche bag.

In a wrestling-related story, we've discussed here what exactly will happen when indie gods Nigel McGuinness and Bryan Danielson debut in WWE. I think I have the answer for Danielson. Owing to the new PG-oriented direction where we see elementary school children the new target demographic, McMahonagement plan to utilize him as a face. He'll come to the ring driving an ice cream truck and wearing a mock "Good Humor Man" uniform as "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean" plays in classic ice cream truck style. He'll hand off Drumsticks and Dreamcicles to all the little kiddies in Mysterio masks flanking the aisle before the bell rings and he jobs to Hornswoggle.

I know, don't quit the day job and stick to wrestling.

COMMENTPALOOZA!!!
First of all, for all of you who only commented on the freak-out video, I discovered this little nugget just for you:



Second, as for my arguably misinformed Gremlins comment, bless you, guys, it's not that big a deal to me. The metaphor came to mind and I went there for a little chuckle. Quite frankly, I regard the better part of The ‘80s as a vast wasteland of some of the worst film released in a period in the history of the genre. No, I don't even like The Goonies. But I love Ferris Bueller and The Breakfast Club enough to make up for it. My basic notion is that music was awesome in the ‘80s and film sucked, then the two did a flip in the ‘90s. That's just me.

Well written article but I don't know about a guy who admits to never seeing a RnR Express vs. Midnight Express match doing commentary on a WCW set. But like I said, it was well written.
Posted By: Jeremy

Thanks, Jeremy! Believe me, it struck me as unreal when it dawned on me, too. But I'll admit to it. I have my dirty secrets and this isn't the forum for them.

WcW (minus the last 18 month) >>>>>>>>Most of Raw last 6 years, anyone say different is crazy, bias, or never saw Monday Nite Wars
Posted By: Guest#9966

lol I loved the pre-nwo WCW for its overabundance of titles, tv shows and ppvs and how they had their own versions of WWF things like the WCW magazine and unique stuff like the powerplant and the hotline.

Sting, Flair, horseman, lugers, steiners, road warriors, sid, vader, steamboat and rude and a few others were the only reason to watch and I knew the company wasnt gonna be the same when they signed hogan.

They basically became WWF the re-mix and with russo they became wwf south and died.

To me WCW died in 94.
Posted By: MacDollarz.

Schiavone was good at old-school play by play (No old-school Jim Ross or Crimson Mask Gordon Solie by any means)It's when he was forced to be Russo-riffic that he de-evolved into the shill he became.
He's now in charge of sports on my local ATL radio station.
Posted By: demOcratic

I'd go even further, 9966, and say WCW until, say, 1995-ish > than Raw over the last decade, although I'm not going to make a big argument against anything MacDollarz has to say, either. This exercise in reflection has really helped to open my eyes. I really missed out on some fantastic performances. You want a license to print money? Assemble ‘80s NWA-style execution and roster with modern-day WWE production value. Looking back as I've written these last two weeks, it makes me wonder how my view of the entire industry might be different had I been exposed to more of the classic Crockett days (and before). Another irony is, as democratic points out, the more money we saw being poured into the WCW product, the less interesting the show became, proof that less is not always more at all!

Geoff, I'm already at the X Mansion and go under the code name of Capt. Smooth. My power is that I can secrete Crisco from my body so that I am able to slide out of any sticky situation. As a bonus, I smell delicious, when out in the sun. Sorry, if you're eating while reading this. Great column this week. It brings back old memories. I still remember back before Ted Turner bought it. Teddy Long had braided hair and was a ref. Thanks for the nostalgia trip. Finally, if they do turn Chavo face and don't have Festus be Punk's bodyguard, we may have a Freak Patrol 2.0.

The question that needs to be asked is this: How many people remember the old U.S.W.A.? It was awful, but in the best way possible.
Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth

Schmoove, I am so leaving your super power alone, but know for future reference to never, eeeeever set me up like that again unless you want to be put off food for a week.

I'm afraid The USWA, as well as Memphis Pro, are two other promotions that managed to completely miss me, which is likely why my opinions of Jeff Jarrett and Jerry Lawler (especially) aren't a lot higher, although, as with anything, I welcome the opportunity to educate myself!

the meandering, pointless angle that was The nWo? Really!? I dont care how good WWF/E production is their entire history is meandering, pointless angles where titles mean absolutely nothing.
Posted By: SmashAdams

Yeah, sorry, Smash. Considering how compelling the genesis of the whole angle started, it lost focus and became a self-consuming mess in my eyes. First we had the original nWo, which evolved into nWo Hollywood versus nWo Wolfpac, then there was nWo "Elite" (or nWo "Reunion" or "Mega" nWo), nWo "B-Team" and nWo 2000, plus The Latin World Order taking a cue from the gringos, as well.

To me, it seemed as if Bischoff became too obsessed with putting The WWF out of business and put the proverbial cart before the horse in trying to create a full brand as a means to co-brand the company, forgetting to write a satisfying ending to the whole original program, preferring rather to allow the whole thing to drag along like a sick, confused animal before finally collapsing under its own suffocating weight (which is also how he ran the company, too, when you think about it).

Bischoff was too consumed with taking everyone he could from Vince, under the auspices of amassing enough talent to split it into separate WCW and nWo brands to realize he was losing focus, as the big answer as to what to do with this person we added last week and the one we added this week and the one we're going to add next week was to add them to The nWo, figuring it was good enough to make them "over by association" even if they did little else than come to the ring and smirk from behind sunglasses week after week.

It's not been my intention to wave a dominative WWF flag over the entire program, because, yes, there always has been a whole lot about Vince's product that leaves one cold, rolling one's eyes or just plain angry (hell, look what Vince did when he, himself, attempted to resurrect the gimmick in WWE), but people who blindly jump up and down over the nWo angle aren't seeing the forest for the trees.

Extremely well written, but the way you seem to see things is the way everybody else on this sight sees it. A bunch of early 20 somethings that hate Hulk Hogan because they here him bad mouthed, or its cool to. Unless you were able to watch Georgia Championship Wrestling, you really don't get how good it was. Keep up the good work.
Posted By: The Judge

This is one great column! No offense to the greatness that is the Dunnster but your fresh look at a product that you didn't get to see is exactly what is needed for this review to be different than JD's.

Loved the comparison to HBK ladder matches and RnR hot tags. Fantastic analogy and simile.

The only thing I have to question isn't a part of your column but a part of the comments. You are twenty-something? I guess that puts me back in my 30s again. Rejoice!!!
Posted By: thegunisgood2009

Judge. Ohhhhhh, Judge. This isn't a diss, good sir, just because you've not been around/reading me all along, but, I shit you not, but I have literally been a Hogan HATER, I mean staunchly to the depths of my soul, since Cody Rhodes was still thperm in hith Daddeh'th tethticleth. Eef you wee-yull. I even checked his birth date to make sure I wasn't exaggerating. I look at the pathetic shambles he's made of his personal life and just laugh, because it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Although, obviously, thegun and I admire your mistaking us for 20-somethings. Oh, to have a second shot at those days…But a sincere thanks to you for the kind words…I hope you keep coming back!

Gun, coming from you, that all means a LOT, since this is your era and your old stomping grounds. Thank you! And just because I don't comment on your stellar column every week doesn't mean I'm not reading. Maybe not each week, but I make sure to catch up! I watched an old Vincent Price film yesterday where his best friend, Sebastian Cabot (best known as Mr. French), a doctor, discovered a "fountain of youth" serum, and it made me think about this comment. It's probably just as well we're doddering old men now and not blessed with the opportunity to rape and pillage the new generation. Or their moms, in your case.

yeah, back in the day Ross knew what he was talking about. those days loooong gone.

and damn, what a fucking great match between Windham (with the... CLAW!) and Rhodes (with his MASSMURDERER ELBOW!) never saw that one before. stuff like that could make me a fan again.
Posted By: tully

In fairness to the great Mr. Ross, tully, back in those days, he was allowed to call matches as he saw them, making us care with his insights into who the men were "behind the kayfabe", while still making it all work within the context of their characters and the story at hand, and how the characters involved in the match/angle being called worked with and/or against one another, whichever for which the story called. The Rhodes/Windham match you reference, as well as the Steamboat/Flair bout, both illustrate this aspect of Ross' exceptional gift.

These days, he admits to having lost a step or two, although I think that's his humble personality coming to the fore. I think Ross is exactly cognizant of exactly where he lies on the modern landscape, and that some of his more self-deprecation stems more from his inability (for obvious reasons) to implicate Vince in having had the abject audacity to tell the best in the business how he needs to do his job in order to keep it. (I'll go so far as to suggest this is so because Vince is aware and jealous that, as an announcer, he couldn't hold JR's headset.) There's a big part of me that would love to see Ross and McMahonagement fail to come to terms when Ross' contract comes up for renewal, leading to a three-man booth in TNA of Taz, Tenay (returning to his WCW roots as The Professor) and Ross (returning to calling action the way he sees fit). I think many would be forced to reconsider they're opinion of Good Ol' JR in that case.

My award for favorite commenters of last week (for the obvious reasons!) goes to:

A well-written and insightful column. Quite refreshing.
Posted By: Donners

Nice. Freaking. Column. Well done.
Posted By: cabronte

Thank you! I hope you were convinced to come back this week and see what madness I manage to conjure up!

And then there was this fuck:

It's best to leave Wrestling DVD reviews to JD. If Wrestling DVD reviews were an Oscar category then JD would win hands down. I think he should get a nobel prize for Wrestling DVD reviewing. He's really quick witted too,he should become a comedian.

Geoff Eubanks thinks Bakersfield CA. is the abyss of mankind. Have you tried living in the U.S.S.R,East Germany,an english mining town,the highlands of Scotland,a farm in Ireland,Apartheid era South Africa,Kenya,Alaska,China off the top of my head you spoiled Brat.

"We didn't get cable.." Wah wah wah. My heart bleeds for you Geoff.
Posted By: Propagandhi

Wow, Propagandhi, you amaze the IWC with your wisdom and worldliness. Thank you for putting Geoff in his place for making an innocent joke. The nerve! Now you can go back to adopting children from the Phillipines and Saving Darfur. Great work, Super P!

Geoff, thanks for trip down memory lane for me. I grew up spending most of my pre-and-early teen saturday nights watching nwa wrestling on tbs (in addition to fla championship wrestling, the sat. morning espn lineup, and the sunday usa wwf shows) and I remember (shockingly) many of these events/matches. The Barry Windham turn was great at the time. Once again, thanks for the trip down memory lane.
Posted By: Angry Bear

Propagandhi

first off do you know what an abyss is? because there was some pretty interesting stuff going in in the USSR, China and east germany in the time frame we're talking

Secondly, what the hell is wrong with the highlands of scotland, an english mining town or a farm in Ireland? How can you possibly compare these things to Apartheid era South Africa? On what possible level are they even remotely similar?

Do you honestly think the scottish highland is populated by plebs in huts eeking out a living selling dirt to their plantation owners?

thirdly

I know Kenya, it can be a pretty nifty place to live and you'd definitely have better cable access

and finally

your words are a force for good Mr Eubanks.
Posted By: Phil

Thanks to Phil and my buddy Bear. I love it when this column self-polices with people like this, and Bear, you ain't kidding about Windham. Kid was a dynamo who never got his fair due.

Now as for you, pal, I will absolutely agree with you where Dun is concerned, the guy's phenomenal. However, at what point did my disclaimer where I clearly stated that my take on this DVD set was simply my take, my opinions and not an attempt to distract, compete or even be a companion to Dunn's review?

Look, for whatever reason, the Good Lord saw fit to place me in a free nation where I wasn't oppressed by a fascist government and my folks were able to provide my basic needs. I am aware and thankful for that. I wasn't my intention to equate not having cable to not knowing when my next was coming my way. It was simply a means to explain why my take on The NWA/WCW wasn't as rich or informed as Dunn's, therefore my reasoning for wanting to devote so much attention to this DVD set.

How dare you come up in here and pull bullshit like this, you petulant little fuck. Kiss the brown part of my asshole and go back to The Peace Corps. You've got a wealth of fucking nerve naming yourself after a great man like Gandhi.

As for the rest of you…

That's all for this week! Thanks for reading and RESPECK!