411mania.com: Wrestling - The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 10.06.09

Can't Find a Letterman

I have a confession to make. I have had sex with someone who used to be my lackey. Would it be embarrassing if this news became public? Well, yes, yes, it would – especially for that certain someone. But that's a decision for them to make. And it's a decision that I would like to make. But what I don't want is for someone (coughBigFatDeepThroat) who's saying "Well, I know that you have had sex with your lackey and I want $2 million or else I'll go public." That's where I am right now.

Fact of the matter is I have had many lackeys who have worked on the Small-For-All. Some of them I never told you about. Others have appeared in some of my funnier skits with Rupert. This was in the past however. Now I'm currently single and loving life Michelle McCool style. And if some assclown wants mah money, well I have four words for them:

I don't have any.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

It was Wilcox.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to another jaw-dropping edition of the only 411 news report that has yet to apologize to Angelina Love for her awful backstage demeanor. In today's edition, we take a look at who's in the WWE doghouse, an upcoming Raw host, John Cena's next masterpiece, who just got paid in TNA, Slimmer's Wall of Text, and Sunny's Wall of Hate!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

WWE Doghouse – Population 1 (and Brian Kendrick)

Hey kids, were you wondering why CM Punk jobbed in the opening match of the Hell in the Cell PPV to a wrestler that is barely mobile enough to walk and will be on a part-time schedule for the rest of his wrestling career? Nah, no one thinks like that. Well in the very small case you did, here's the reason why CM Punk is in the doghouse. From the Wrestling Observer:

The Undertaker took issue with CM Punk's appearance during the European tour and told him he needs to dress more appropriate for a World Champion and that he is representing WWE overseas. Punk's response was, "what about John Cena?"

The conversation got back to WWE management and they took it as if CM Punk feels he is a bigger star than John Cena is. The decision was then made to strip Punk of the title at last night's Hell In A Cell PPV and make it an opener.

The incident and Punk losing the title has been the talk of the Smackdown locker room over the weekend. Majority of those from the Smackdown brand were under the impression that Undertaker would win and there are some who are wondering why someone who works a limited schedule and has health issues was given the title and that it was too early to take the belt off CM Punk.

The current plan is for the Undertaker to start a program with Batista.

Don't you love how major decisions are made from the stupidest things! Granted, the Undertaker does have a legit point – much is made in regards to the WWE dress code and CM Punk, as one of the ambassadors to the brand, should be held to the highest degree. If Kung Fu Naki cannot wear his black belt in public due to the WWE Dress Code, surely, CM Punk should be able to comply. In addition, Punk's response was not the best either. He should have simply thanked the Undertaker for looking out for him or should have addressed his displeasure with the dress code to a WWE agent. The worst thing he could have done was mouth off to Booger Red (or take a shower with JBL). Taker is easily the most respected superstar backstage so you really shouldn't pick a fight with him. Additionally, doesn't Punk know that the ring he wrestles in his Taker's yard?

That said, there are better ways to punish Punk than having him lose the championship in the opening match of a gimmick PPV. The WWE could have easily had him hook up with Vickie Guerrero or even worse, lose a match to Matt Hardy. But the way the title change went down does not help anyone. Taker does not look any better because Punk wasn't portrayed as a real viable opponent (the Breaking Point match did no favors). Punk does not look good since he lost his championship in ten minute matches with Taker. If Michelle McCool could last seven minutes in heaven with Taker, shouldn't Punk, as world champion, be able to last double as long. Lastly, the WWE does not look good with the decision as this feel good moment was wasted at 8:30pm, the world championship switched hands for the 37th time this year, and CM Punk is still dressing like a douchebag backstage! Oh and a Taker/Batista program isn't bad had it not have just been blown off less than two years ago. At least, let the Batista & Rey vs. JeriShow program continue through Bragging Rights.

Burnout

In addition to silly backstage problems, from Figure 4 Weekly, "WWE creative team has been exhausted with recent booking and that morale is low. It is being said that the writers were not up to booking the Hell In A Cell PPV and were limited to the creative direction for last week's Raw. The roster is also said to feel fatigued from the overseas tour to flying back for TV tapings in the U.S."

I would never have thought that writing a PPV every three weeks would get tiring. You'd think it would be easy to write for a John Cena vs. Randy Orton matchup seeing how fresh the feud is. It's not like they have been fighting since 2006. Throw in the fact that overseas tours normally led to some wackiness – who could forget Goldust serenading the Flight From Hell and I am not surprised that the creative team is not in the best of spirits. The bright side from this is that we should expect to see longer matches this week as those are normally easier to book. Just give Chris Jericho and the Big Show another twenty minute match against MVP and Mark Henry and voila, that's 25% of the show. Have Hornswoggle and Chavo rekindle their feud and voila, that's 30% of the show. Let DX do something not remotely funny and whammy, that's half your show. Man, I wish I could book sometimes. Just think of the types of matches you'd see from a Small booked show. Matches like:

The Big Show &. The Great Khali & Kane vs. Evan Bourne blindfolded
CM Punk vs. KFC Grilled Chicken vs. Mark Henry
John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H in a Swimming Pool
Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim in an Autotune Korean Karaoke Kontest
Zack Gowen in a Royal Rumble Match

Sure he has two legs here but he can't be eliminated in a Royal Rumble match.

Oh and at this Small booked show, we will find out who Mr. America is! Here's a hint – it was Wilcox!

Like an Ox

From the main page via PWInsider, "John Cena's third film for WWE films will be named Oxley's Road, and will be filmed in December. Cena will play Cal Oxley, the youngest son of a wrestling family who decides to join his High School's wrestling team. He does this against his mother's wishes in an effort to get her and his oldest brother to reconnect as they have been estranged for a decade following a car accident where Cal's father died. They are casting for a 15-year old to play "young Cal", and it appears as if the younger Cal will be the center of the film, while Cena will have a smaller role as older Cal. Patricia Clarkson (Six Feet Under) will play the mother, Sharon. The film will have a $10 million budget, and will be a straight to DVD project."

First John Cena was a Marine. Then he survived 12 Rounds. Now, John Cena is a wrestler? Nah, I can't believe that one either.

But seriously, at least Cena's girlfriend has no shot of being kidnapped in this movie. Honestly, this movie intriguies me more than Cena's others even though this plot has been done to death before. I am curious to see Cena's dramatic skills as there are no explosions for him to dodge in this one. If Cena can pull this off, this bodes very well for his acting career, especially when he decides to bail out on the WWE for Hollywood. Yes, it will happen someday. Bank on it.

Raw's on a Boat

According to Rajah.com, Andy Samberg was offered the Raw Guest Host spot on October 26th in Buffalo. And he's bringing a new Digital Short with him!

Could Samberg do a Motherlover parody with Mae Young and Vickie Guerrero? Because that would totally be hot. And by hot, I mean awesome!

And look Big Ben is doing more work than the Reverend did last week. It sucks that crowd has to be tough on him considering he opens the show with the WWE Divas.

If someone could get me a screencap of Ben's face after the Divas hit the stage, I'd be so happy. For those who are not watching, he is envisioning which Diva he will lure back to a hotel room… allegedly.

OMG, according to Michael Cole, Randy Orton, John Cena, and DX are here tonight. When haven't they been around?

How did Gail Kim get referee honors? She has the worst vision out of all of them. Throw in the implied racism of Kim throwing yellow flags around. Shame WWE. Especially after last week's pact to reduce racism in the WWE!

Well if Bragging Rights will feature Raw vs. Smackdown matches, at least, the writers began the hype for Mickie James vs. Michelle McCool.

Woo-hoo – more Orton vs. Cena! C'mon writers, can't you just pull Shannon Moore's name out of a hat. Iron Man Match – intriguing but I'm not sure if either man can last that long (that's what she said!). While I hate "Loser Leaves" stipulations because they are predictable, I am all for Cena moving over to Smackdown for a while.

Ah an undefeated streak for Swagger. Me likely. I also like the fact that they started with a jobber (Primo) and not say a viable main eventer. Because nothing else would have killed Swagger's swagger had he lost his first match of the streak. No one on the corner has Swagger like Jack.

I hate how Beth Phoenix just watches her man get slapped! Seriously, we never got any closure to Glamerella. I hate teen love.

Woah, a colossal tag team matchup for Bragging Rights! All the Raw winners will meet all of the Smackdown winners so I guess we can assume seven other matches with an equal amount of Smackdown and Raw winners. So in addition to predictable match winners, we are also doing an eight man tag one month before Survivor Series. I like the concept but this would be better in May.

Oh great, the burial of Miz continues. And to think, I was hoping for a Miz vs. Morrison match at Bragging Rights.

While Chavo and Masters are definitely not a formible tag team, I like the fact that the WWE is really trying to push the MVP/Henry team (whom I like very much).

"I don't know what's going on." ~Michael Cole. Truer words have not yet been spoken.

I would never have guessed that JeriShow would interfere with this week's guest host. How hard is it to book Monday Night Raw when you've been doing the same interview since the guest hosting began back in July?

Oh man, those are some big men. This doesn't look good for Chris Jericho.

DX vs. JeriShow at Bragging Rights – well at least the competition is getting tougher for the tag champs. Oh tonight. Well, eh.

Okay, Big Ben and the Steelers doing the suck it motion is hilarious!

Color me surprised – I was definitely not expecting The Miz to pick up the win here. I like the fact that both Miz and Morrison are champions at the same time. Oh and if Kofi's fuckup was planned, kudos to him, since it looked like a fuckup. By the way, with Swagger already having a new angle, I wonder what's next for Kofi. Perhaps a brush with the main event scene?

Speaking of main events, I liked how the first ever DX vs. JeriShow match received a good amount of time. What I didn't like is that this match could have easily been a main event on an upcoming PPV. It definitely doesn't help when DX wins the match pretty convincingly. I think Legacy looked better than JeriShow tonight. Speaking of which, where was Legacy?

Overall, tonight's Raw was pretty good. It was definitely a step up from the last few weeks though Big Ben could not top Shaq's or even Bob Barker's hosting duties. We'll have to see how Maria Menounos and Nancy O'Dell do next week. At least both are hot!

SLIMMER'S WALL OF TEXT (ALSO KNOWN AS DON'T THINK TWICE)!!!!

Has Slimmer taken to heart my advice this week? Let's find out in the second edition of the Small-For-All Presents: Slimmer's Wall of Text! (My thoughts in italics.)

Don't Think Twice 10.06.09: Missing in Action

There are some heroes you just can't hold on to forever…

It's a turn-around jump shot,
It's everybody jump start,
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts.
– The Boy in the Bubble by Paul Simon

Where the hell does Slimmer get these songs from? Can someone buy this kid a DVD other than Garden State?

Given the fact that you all know that I write about professional wrestling on the internet, and given the fact that I know that you all read about professional wrestling on the internet, you wouldn't think that there are all too many things I would be hesitant to admit to you. I'm a card carrying member of the IWC, but unfortunately, that's far from the most embarrassing skeleton in my closet. But two weeks ago I said that it's time for me to start being honest with myself and that it's time for me to start being honest with all of you as well. And so I need to admit something that none of you know about me, something in fact that none of the other writers at 411 know about me. I am a huge action figure geek.

I'm shocked. Shocked at this revelation.

Now when I say that I am a huge action figure geek, I don't mean that I had a lot of toys as a kid. I mean, I did, but it certainly didn't stop there. And I don't just mean that I'm an avid action figure collector. There are collectors who buy large numbers of action figures and keep them neatly ordered in pristine condition in the hope of one day turning a profit on their investment. That's not me. I buy a lot of action figures. A lot of action figures. And I open them. And they're all over my house. And they're freaking awesome. And I'm a huge action figure geek.

Slimmer's High School Picture?

My G. I. Joe collection is the most impressive and / or most alarming, depending on your point of view. I received my first G. I. Joe as a Christmas present in 1982, and I've accumulated literally thousands of 3 ¾" Joes over the course of the last 27 years. I seriously love me some G. I. Joe. I mean, I don't find it alarming that I know Duke's file name, but I do find it alarming that I know Cross Country's file name. I went through a Star Wars phase, so I have more Lukes and Hans and Vaders than I probably should. Okay, maybe that's not totally true, because I'm not sure you really can have too many Lukes or Hans or Vaders. But I do have too damn many Gungans. I'm also an avid comicbook geek, and as such I also have a sizable collection of comicbook figures. But there's just no way you can deny that the Marvel Legends Build-A-Figure Sentinel is one of the most beautiful figures ever made, or that the DC Direct Kingdom Come Superman is the very embodiment of every single reason we love super heroes. (Uhhhhh) I've got Transformers figures and Masters of the Universe figures and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figures and even a few random Tony Hawk figures. And say what you will about Todd McFarlane, because there's a lot to be said, but the McFarlane Toys version of Slash that sits on my night stand is probably my favorite figure of all time.

And so given my love of professional wrestling, and given my love of action figures, it should probably come as no surprise that I have quite a few professional wrestling action figures. And but "quite a few," I mean an insane number, a collection that fills my basement and is rivaled only by my G. I. Joe collection. But the saving grace here is that the vast majority of those wrestling figures is actually quite good, thanks in no small part to Jakks Pacific. (Well the geek portion is over. Now comes the fellating. ) Jakks has had the WWF / WWE license since 1996, and over the course of the last 14 years they have produced literally thousands of wrestling action figures. They have continually attempted to produce the highest quality action figures possible, and as such they often introduced new lines with updated sculpting and improved articulation. In 2003 they introduced the Ruthless Aggression line that has served as the basis of their WWE franchise for eight years. Ruthless Aggression focuses on current WWE Superstars, and the complementary Adrenaline line consists of two-packs featuring current tag teams and duos. But while Ruthless Aggression and Adrenaline are great lines and have given us countless Lesnars and Angles and Cenas and Ortons, the one drawback of those lines is that they focus almost exclusively on the current WWE roster. To solve this problem, in 2004 Jakks introduced Classic Superstars, a line completely compatible with Ruthless Aggression and Adrenaline that focused on the greatest wrestlers of the seventies, eighties, and nineties. And for this I shall be eternally grateful.

Okay, Slimmer this is better than last week's but we need to keep things rolling. Let's skip about five paragraphs.

8. Ahmed Johnson
Sure, Ahmed Johnson was an important part of the early Attitude Era. That alone should probably have been enough to warrant a Classic Superstars figure. But the real kicker for me is that Ahmed Johnson was honestly built like an action figure. Wrestling action figures have always had somewhat exaggerated features such as unnaturally large muscles and freakishly defined abs, but with the possible exception of John Morrison, very few professional wrestlers have bodies that can actually compare to their plastic counterparts. But Ahmed Johnson looked like an action figure come to life, and it's a shame that we never got the chance to see him in the Classic Superstars line. And yes, his inclusion in this list may also be partially due to my desire to impress my new boss, Jeff Small, who is known worldwide as the biggest Ahmed Johnson mark of all time.

Fuck Yeah.

3. Owen Hart
Bret Hart was in the very first series of Classic Superstars, and we've seen many other Bret figures since then. We've also seen several figures of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldog, and Brian Pillman, thus leaving Owen Hart as the sole member of the Hart Foundation never to be seen in the Classic Superstars line. Much like David and Kerry Von Erich, Owen's tragic death may help to explain his exclusion from the Classic Superstars line. But given that other deceased wrestlers were produced as figures, and given that at least five members of Owen's family (Bret, Davey, little Davey, Jim, and little Jimette) have either Ruthless Aggression, Adrenaline, or Classic Superstars figures, it's a shame that Owen will never take his rightful place by their side.

2. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
According to Dave Meltzer, Bret Hart only had two five star matches in his career. Shawn Michaels is currently sitting on only two as well. Keep those numbers in mind as a point of reference when you contemplate the fact that at the pinnacle of his career, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat had three five star matches… in one year. Ric Flair has called Ricky Steamboat the greatest babyface wrestler of all time, and Steamboat's matches in both the NWA, the WWF, and WCW are legendary. I'm sure that Jakks Pacific would have jumped at the chance to produce Classic Superstars figures of Ricky Steamboat, but I've heard several rumors that the rights to the name "Ricky ‘The Dragon' Steamboat" have been tied up for years as part of a rather messy divorce case. Steamboat's return to the ring at WrestleMania 25 and Backlash 2009, as well as his induction into the WWE Hall of Fame earlier this year, may indicate that those rights issues have been resolved, and my guess is that we would have seen a Steamboat figure sooner rather than later if Jakks Pacific had not lost the WWE license.

1. "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Of all of the holes in the Classic Superstars collection, there is one that stands head and shoulders above the others. When looking back at the Classic Superstars figures of wrestlers that defined the WWF in the 1980's, we see legendary names such as Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, The Ultimate Warrior, "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and many others. But missing in action is the one and only "Macho Man" Randy Savage. In my mind, Savage was second only to Hulk Hogan in the pecking order of the WWF in the 1980's, something akin to being the Rock to Hogan's Steve Austin. But for whatever reason (or, more likely, for several reasons), there was never a Randy Savage Classic Superstars figure. Could it be that Savage really was persona non grata in all things WWE? Is that rumor that Randy shared his Macho Madness with a young Stephanie McMahon so disdainful that his likeness could never be used for a toy? Did Jakks Pacific just not want to deal with somewhat as certifiably bat shit crazy as the Macho Man? We may never know for sure, but the recent release of WWE's Macho Madness: The Randy Savage Ultimate Collection DVD set may indicate that, like Ricky Steamboat, we may one day have seen a Randy Savage Classic Superstars figure if the WWE license had remained with Jakks Pacific.

But even with those few glaring omissions, the Jakks Pacific collection of professional wrestling action figures will almost certainly stand the test of time and be remembered fondly by both wrestling fans and action figure fans for years to come. I'll be back in two weeks with another edition of Don't Think Twice.

In conclusion, this was a much better topic to speak on compared to last week's borefest. Here are what still needs to be worked on. First, you don't have a banner. Every 411 article has a banner. Let's work on that for next time. Second, can you please use a hip song? Simon and Garfunkel were cool back when people listened to records. And those people do not exist anymore. Lastly, I only ask you for three fucking paragraphs. Stop sending me six pages! It's so tough with help sometimes.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Laid. Made. Paid.

The theme of the week in Orlando is five year contracts. Robert Roode received one a few months ago. And now Matt Morgan is the recent TNA Superstar to get paid!

Really, this is no surprise. In a recent interview with Dixie Carter, she firmly believes that the Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan match is one of the top matches for Bound For Glory, which shows her faith in Matt Morgan. In the WWE, this would have been a mid-card match and a step down for Kurt Angle. Here, it's a great chance to make a new superstar. With this investment in Matt Morgan, it makes sense for him to receive a long term deal. You wouldn't want Morgan to get the push of his life and decide to explore other options, would you?

Cloudy with a chance of Haterade

So last week Lacey Von Erich decided to take on the role as the voice of the TNA locker room by straight up hatin' on the deported Angelina Love. However, since the age of kayfabe is over, Erich was likely reprimanded and had to apologize on her Twitter page. Since then, Erich has received scorn from the IWC, many of my Smallophiles, and most importantly, ex-WWE Diva Tammy Sytch! And yes, this is the real Sunny, not the dude that tricked Hyatte. (Those were the days.) Here's what the former Sunny had to say on her Facebook page:

Sytch's original status update is as follows: "Tamara Lynn Sytch wants to know who else thought Lacey Von Erich's TNA debut was less than stellar?? Man, she sucks!"

She then continued to comment on her update.

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "i mean, shes so bad, WWE fired her from developmental after 4 months... I thought TNA prided themselves on girls who could WORK!"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "hey, it's not hard at all to LOOK hot...it's a lot harder to know how to work"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "nope, not a single ounce of jealousy Tim...just wondering where the business that I grew up loving has gone. Talent just doesn't seem to matter anymore"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "how can I be jealous of a disrespectful no-talent bimbo who is only in the business b/c she was born to a suicidal drug addict?"

WHOA!!!

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "no personal issue with her...it just aggravates me when some get jobs and dont deserve it, when there are plenty of girls out there with looks and talent who should have those spots"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "hey, I never relied on my looks for ANY job....think about it...I was one of the girls who was actually GOOD on the mike. I never said I was a wrestler...Im not. Never was. Never will be. do what I do for 20 years and you earn the right to critique the work of others...dont like it? Dont listen. Easy as that."

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "i agree.. Trish started a whole new era of women's wrestling.,I tell her that every time I see her...You see, I gladly give credit where credit is due.... but Lacey doesn't know how to handle herself in the ring, or out of the ring among her peers either...trust me, she's not a popular girl, for more reasons than one."

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "ok...so if Uncle Kevin says do it, does that make you good? If your uncle told you to be a plumber, would you be good at it?"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "no, ive seen her work on indies that Ive been on...there's no helping that situation...she's bad. Candice was better than her."

Tell me she did not say that!

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "I also heard she's walking around the locker room like she owns the place... Just wait til Kong gets a hold of that!"

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "the only thing she has going for her is her looks...its sad"

Oh man, what I would give to have Sunny be a guest columnist for my Small-For-All. She's still got the venom after all these years. Love it.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, in addition to the Willie Aames malebag, I am excited to announce the Small-For-All debut of Paul Cohen! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Comments (53)

"Candice was better than her."

Jesus H. Christ! You needed the BURN .gif

Posted By: Brad (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 12:33 AM

The most shocking part of this whole column? That Tammy Sytch actually gave another woman credit for doing something in this business. Sure, everybody praises Trish Stratus, and rightfully so. But for Tammy to actually acknowledge it is a pleasant surprise.

The only thing problem with the Trish comment: the era she started ended when she retired, at least in WWE. TNA tries, but WWE pretty much gave up on women's wrestling when Trish moved on with her life, at least as far as making it interesting.

Posted By: Guest#7237 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 12:34 AM

Ah the days of Hyatte getting fooled by the fake Sunny. Great throwback there.

Posted By: Guest#5825 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 12:59 AM

Once again, to all bitching the CM Punk loses the title every other month and he will never be 'made' that way. Triple H in 1999 and Edge in 2006 beg to differ about getting over 'that' way.

Posted By: JUSTINW (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:23 AM

Who cares how Punk dresses?

Who cares about Sunny?

Posted By: Guest#4150 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:36 AM

"And yes, this is the real Sunny, not the dude that tricked Hyatte. (Those were the days.)"

Thank you for reminding me of the greatest thing to ever happen to the IWC. I was so happy to see that shit head have to eat crow.

Posted By: Grut (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:39 AM

CM Punk has been the most entertaining character since his the draft. I'm willing to go as far as to say he has worked harder than anyone on perfecting his character and being the best damn heel possible. He has been what Jericho was at the latter of 08 this year as far as I'm concerned. Now I understand that Taker is "The Man" when everything is all said and done and his input should always be taken into consideration. Now I'm not going to say Punk was wrong when he responded with his question because I can understand that he may have felt he was being singled out when there is another guy that I'm sure could come out the house with a shower cap and daisy dukes (i might be going a little over the top) but you get the point.

Taking the title off of Punk was quite possibly the worst thing they could have done at this point. In 10 minutes they killed everything that Punk has worked for. I went to Summerslam and when the Undertaker resurfaced I marked out, YES! But I realized this feud could either make or break Punk. It was a dream to see these two lock up. However, the nightmare took form at Breaking Point with yet another sad attempt at reliving the Montreal Screwjob. Going into Hell In A Cell I had no doubts that Punk would not beat the Undertaker clean in the ring. That was just the way the WWE booked it. When I came to find out that this match opened the ppv and only got ten minutes I was disappointed. I am even more disappointed that it was all because of one remark. Hell I am even more disappointed that an aging Undertaker will be taking on an unmotivated Batista. While these two had great matches in the past, that was two years ago and things have changed.

If Undertaker is really as banged up as reports claim, how the WWE expects Batista to carry him to a great match that will keep people interested is beyond me. This also leaves the question of what happens to Punk, will he get the midcard reshuffle treatment or not?

To sum everything up, am i pissed? yes. Will a lot of people be? yes. While most people won't care about what I am doing I will say that while every company has its problems and solutions on dealing with those problems, some solutions aren't as thought out as they should be and it kills the overall product. I paid for 2 pay per views yesterday. Hell In A Cell which was $40 and Enter The Dragon from Dragon Gate which was $10. I wanted my money back from one and the other I am willing to order again and go buy the dvd when it is produced. Unfortunately, the one I wanted my money back from was the more expensive bad one.

Posted By: Marcel (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:59 AM

Seriously, Undertaker seems like such an asshole. At least Hunter comes across likeable even if its all just an act. Undertaker, he doesnt even acknowledge his fans. CM Punk is not Kung Fu Naki, hes FUCKING CM Punk. To be fair CM Punk is as big of a star as John Cena based on the fact that he was World Champion. Undertaker, you were a great wrestler, mania 25 was a great night for you to call it quits. Now you are back and you look like shit. Your knees buckled when you did old school, i couldve sworn you were a bout to collapse. Hang it up, your gonna be another sad wrestling story, and be immobile in 10 years. Lose the weight, stop walking around at 300 pounds and RETIRE!!

Rant over.

Posted By: Ian (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 02:24 AM

Sunny shouldn't have made that comment about Kerry Von Erich.

I don't agree with the way she wrote all this, but I can understand the sentiment. Lacey is not good at wrestling or talking. Sunny isn't a wrestler but she was one of the best female talkers and managers in the business and understands this business.

I don't know what she means by the Candice comment, but Lacey certainly is hotter than ugly fish faced Candice lol.

Posted By: Guest#8399 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 06:05 AM

What was punk wearing overseas? surely he wasn't wearing his zipped up yellow adidas jacket and yellow basketball shorts. does punk have to carry himself around in a suit when he's the champ? his character has the word 'punk' in it, you know, like rebelious. wouldn't it make sense for him to dress that way.. keeps kayfabe? BUT, i gotta say punk handled it pretty poorly, so in effect he dug his own grave at that point. hard to feel sorry for him when he said something extremely dickish to a veteran who was just pointing out something for the betterment of the company.

Posted By: Shio (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 06:23 AM

Smallophiles? Has that been going around for long, because I'll have to stop reading this if that's the title I'll be carrying from there on forward... It sounds like something you're quaranteed to get shanked for in jail.

Posted By: Waiwhut (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 06:37 AM

I love how Tammy is getting on someone for being disrespectful and then she turns around and makes that "born to a suicidal drug addict" comment about Kerry Von Erich. Real classy way to show her how a diva or knockout should carry themselves, Sunny. Terrible.

Posted By: Devin (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 08:04 AM

What was Undertaker doing on the European tour anyway? A man his age shouldn't be flying.

I'll take HHH everyday of the week over that bitter old cuss.

Posted By: Jake Fury (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 08:22 AM

CM Punk thinks he's a bigger star than John Cena. Yes. He is in Ring of Honor and CZW.

CM Punk thinks he can talk shit to the Undertaker. Undertaker even at 25% of his capabilities could have and should have slapped Chipmunk around.

This Dickhead keeps giving us reasons to hate him.

Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 08:45 AM

reading that Undertaker story made me lose all respect for him as a wrestler and a person. CM Punk just gave his opinion backstage, and what does Taker do? He complains to management and decides to bury Punk.

So seriously, who does this help? Taker could barely walk out of the ring on Sunday, and now he's the champion. Let's just hope his injuries force him to vacate the title as soon as possible.

Posted By: IWC Member #901001 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 09:17 AM

"hey, it's not hard at all to LOOK hot..."

Really? Most of the girls where I live find it difficult.

So do I come to that :-(

Posted By: Loki (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 09:23 AM

How does Taker have a point? He is a backstage bully, not a locker room leader! He throws his weight around and gets his way and all of the IWC defends him while bashing Hunter.

Not only did Taker kill Punk's heat in storyline, he is screwing him in real life.

Now we may get Batista-Taker and Orton-Cena. Neat! How fresh! How exciting!

Everyone says that WWE books to what the fans want and the IWC should stop whining. Sorry, they book out of petty feuds, favoritism, nepotism, and jealousy. Thanks for the summer of memories, Punk.

Posted By: Guest#5231 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:32 AM

Yeah, this IS BULLSHIT!

You know what? If this REALLY happened (backstage politics) than fuck the WWE product!

Regardless of the point, by either man, it was wrong to B.S. this fued as CM was starting to get hot. Obviously, UT is trying to relieve his past, again, and with a messed up hip. And he had to resort to THIS BS?

Man, if it's true, I just lost a TON of respect for the man (like it matters to him). And I'm boycotting the WWE (again).

Honestly, I don't care if I'm the only one here. I was just starting to watch it on and off, waiting for a reason. But if they are going to kill a new star like that, fuck 'em. I'm going back to Puro/Indy wrestling.

Have fun getting me back "E".

Posted By: Guest#4255 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 09:28 AM

The Undertaker does NOT have a legit point

If we are still at the point as human beings of thinking someone is good or bad based on what clothes they wear, then that does not say anything for us as a species.

Based on the Undertaker's twisted reasoning, CM Punk is a bad guy and someone like Joseph Stalin is a good guy

Posted By: anonymous (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:00 AM

Taker is over-the-hill and is only kept around because he has dark magic on his side.

Posted By: Hello (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:16 AM

Undertaker is just as bad as Hogan or Nash when it comes to playing politics and jealously guarding his "spot" at the expense of what is good for business. Undertaker has gotten over on the basis of a bigger than life gimmick/persona just like Hogan, yet Hogan, despite being the biggest star this business has ever seen, is vilified by the IWC, while they cream in their pants over Undertaker, who is as big of a bully as JBL or Hardcore Holly, and almost as big of a douche as Hogan.

Posted By: Guest#6852 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:22 AM

WWE needs to trim the number of PPVS!! I mean come on it is getting ridiculas. The brands are already split and thier are very few true main eventers on each brand. Which is why we are forced to watch the same wrestlers face each other every month. How many Cena/Orton matches can one man stomach? Cena/Orton should be a special fued saved for huge PPVS like Mania or Summerslam!!! And of course creative is tired and over worked because they are forced to come up with fueds that seem intresting and fresh when in reality they are tired old matches we've seen a million times. Back in the Hogan days we rarely saw Hogan face a viable opponent on free TV. Now, we see the big superstars face each other on a weekly basis on free tv. How do you make a PPV intresting when its all stuff we've seen on Raw and Smackdown???

Posted By: Rupedog (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:23 AM

This might be blasphemy to some in the IWC but...fuck the Undertaker. People bitch about Flair not able to hang it up? 'Taker is just as bad, if not worse. At least Flair can still put on some semblance of a wrestling match and his promos still blow most people out of the water. Taker's broken down ass? Fuck him.

Posted By: Guest#1263 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:39 AM

Paul Cohen? Say it ain't so!

Listen Small, we don't dislike Cohen because he is too negative, we hate him because his writing sucks and he is obviously trying to stir people up, maybe somebody should point him to the word "Subtelty" in the dictionary?

Posted By: Leones (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:05 AM

Lacey Von Eric is hotness. Then again so is Sunny (after that ugly period she went through when Candino died) and she did provide some good laughs so fair play to her :D Plus after working in the business for as long as she has, she's entitiled to that kind of thinking. Whenever she is right or wrong is another matter.

As for the CM Punk and Undertaker fiasco, this is a frontrunner for Facepalm of the year award. Yeah CM Punk should have had a cool head, but taking the title of Punk was ONE of the dumbest moves WWE has done this year. You have a heel who has been on fire and is rising as a fantastic chickenshit, "i'm better then you" heel and decide to chop him at the legs and slam the glass cieling on him? Ugh There are better ways to punish Punk - if he needed to be punished at all - and instead, WWE decided to go with some old school thinking, instead of finding a way to satisfy Taker's pride and keep Punk strong.

Sigh ¬_¬

Posted By: The_Mystical_Ninja (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:28 AM

WWE is running a business. They can't and won't have their World Champion dress like a 12 year old.

Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:41 AM

Cal's mom is gonna be kidnapped by the rival high school and raped repeatedly by pimply faced boys as Cal has to master a series of wrestling holds at a tournament to crown the city champion while his older foreign mentor tries to teach him lessons about life and makes him do stuff around his house, like paint his fence, wax his fleet of older cars etc.
Then they'll blow shit up...

It's gonna be classic!

Posted By: MISTERious (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:50 AM

Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what CM Punk meant, being on the same level as John Cena. Wait. They're both World Champions... aren't they?

Fuck off WWE management. You've basically buried your future to an injured relic who can't deliver right now because he's INJURED. Couple this with the fact he didn't adhere to a fucking DRESS CODE when a star like John Cena doesn't adhere to it either. Sure, Punk isn't as big, but he's a World Champion too. What a blowout of epic proportions.

Now I don't think this is Undertaker's fault. He was clearly just trying to help the guy and it doesn't really state that HE went and blabbed to management. If he did, well, that's just fucking ridiculous on his part.

Then again, CM Punk could've just adhered in the first place. Why would he talk back to Taker? That helps no one.

In conclusion, both sides are as stupid as each other, but Management has fucked themselves way more by being a bigger stupidass.

Great column btw, Small. Haven't read it for awhile for whatever reason and I really enjoyed it because of the break :)

Posted By: Banz (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:54 AM

"Candice was better than her."

Jesus H. Christ! You needed the BURN .gif
Posted By: Brad

truer words were never spoken, Brad.

Posted By: Guest#4859 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:59 AM

you need some sunny pics on here

Posted By: dogpound7382 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 12:01 PM

WOW! If this is true, I have lost a lot of respect for The Undertaker (I've haven't respect for WWE booking for quite some time now). What a way to kill a push. And for what, to give Bastista a run? I wonder if Punk ends up in mid-card hell, he'll jump ship when his contract is up? He has what it takes to be an upper card heal in any promotion.

Posted By: mogamer (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 12:07 PM

Wheelchair wrestling is alive and well. Serously, this was a fuckup by the WWE. Taker/Batista is going to suck, and if both of them are still able to wrestly in two years, I'll be amazed. If either is there isn five, I'll be shocked. Gotta start building someone to be the megastars of tommorow, and Punk is great. And I would assume that Punk was dressed in a straight edge manner. Like his gimmick is supposed to be!

Posted By: Minimoose (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 01:32 PM

" "I don't know what's going on." ~Michael Cole. Truer words have not yet been spoken."

Two weeks in a row that Jeff Small proves he is the greatest columnist in 411 history!

Posted By: Jason S (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 02:20 PM

"This might be blasphemy to some in the IWC but...fuck the Undertaker. People bitch about Flair not able to hang it up? 'Taker is just as bad, if not worse. At least Flair can still put on some semblance of a wrestling match and his promos still blow most people out of the water. Taker's broken down ass? Fuck him. "

Ripping Taker for being broken down while praising Flair? I'm far from Taker's biggest fan, but c'mon...

Posted By: AJP (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 02:56 PM

*****If this rumour is even true*****

CM Punk should have respected his elders and taken the suggestion. I am sure Undertaker was only trying to give Punk a little advice and help him out. The WWE dress code is a VERY big deal to the bosses!

Why is it so difficult for some of you to realize that The Undertaker has EARNED his spot and position in the company. He has worked for the same company for almost 20 years and is probably the person in the WWE with the most clout outside of the McMahon family and HHH.

You don't step on Superman's cape and you don't mess around with The Undertaker!:))

Posted By: AndreFan (Registered) on October 06, 2009 at 03:24 PM

WWE is running a business. They can't and won't have their World Champion dress like a 12 year old.

Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 11:41 AM

I fly a lot and I have seen quite a few WWE guys at airports. Most are wearing sweats, t shirts, and look like twelve year olds. Let them dress how they want even if they are champ. It is all fake after all.

Undertaker sucks and deserves no respect.

Posted By: Guest#8469 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 03:44 PM

That Larry David .GIF is AWESOME. 'Nuff said.

Posted By: DAMN!!! (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 03:56 PM

OK, the people commenting on UT vs Punk are complete dumbasses. While i'll be the first to admit that it seems like the punishment was a little harsh, this has NOTHING to do with the clothes. This has to do with respect.In an occupation filled with drugs and sex scandals there r very few sins, but first and foremost is RESPECT THE BUSINESS.

Posted By: uradumbass589 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 04:32 PM

Just a small quibble, Small... When a person's last name is two words, even if it is a wrestling psydonym, you can't refer to them by just half of their last name. Referring to Lacey Von Erich as Erich is akin to calling Eddie Van Halen, Halen.

Posted By: Demo-Darsow (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 04:33 PM

Edge is nowhere near as "made" as HHH. Edge is nowhere close to being a legit main eventer. He is a glofified midcarder that is over in the same way Jeff Jarrett was over in WCW. They simply dont have the roster depth to avoid this happening much like WCW had no choice but to put the belt on Jarrett.

It wasnt because those guys are great, it was because those guys were better than what they had.

Posted By: miles (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 05:26 PM

i think you should take rumours with a grain of salt. Do you really think Vince changed up the whole CM Punk reign because of some attire?

Undertaker is one of the top guys(hurt or not) and just as with Edge, they do not like to give heels long title reigns on Smackdown since JBL.

Posted By: Guest#3410 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 04:17 PM

Um, yes. I do believe in taking rumors with a grain of salt, but in a family run company dominated by an egomaniac like Vince and big babies like Taker...it would not surprise me if this was true.

OK, the people commenting on UT vs Punk are complete dumbasses. While i'll be the first to admit that it seems like the punishment was a little harsh, this has NOTHING to do with the clothes. This has to do with respect.In an occupation filled with drugs and sex scandals there r very few sins, but first and foremost is RESPECT THE BUSINESS.

Posted By: uradumbass589 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 04:32 PM

Respecting the business has nothing to do with how you dress. This was about not sucking up to Taker. Good for Punk.

Posted By: Guest#1206 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 05:33 PM

When Orton used to acted like an ass all the time cause he got pushed to fast to young the ICW wished the WWE would stop him and make sure this never happened again. This is why Punk keeps loseing the title all the time cause he still acts like a little bitch backstage since his first day at the WWE. You think he learn to grow up by now wouldn't you?

Posted By: Guest#6937 (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 05:49 PM

i think undertaker& hbk will be done by next years wm.i dont believe dress code or the whim of any superstar will influence wwe booking.i thought taker looked pretty good at last weeks smackdown and the week before.maybe punk ratted out jeff hardy or maybe they did the screwjob ending hoping to get bret hart involved and bret told them to shove it so they jerked the curtain.i dont wanna start any unfounded rumors. but if ut and shawn are on their last run they should both carry the belt to wrestlemania and have a unification match. to me that would almost be worth the price of a wm ppv.

Posted By: mr x. (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 07:18 PM

Wow, IGW Punk runs afoul of a long existing policy and the IWC whines about how it isn't really his fault. I wish I could say I was surprised but I pretty much expected that's how they'd react.

Posted By: Dave (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 07:26 PM

Great read brah. Can't wait for to get your bag again!

Posted By: Bobby the Brain (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 07:39 PM

Okay, I'm going to channel Guttman and go off on the dress code:

HOW did Raven lose that employee-status lawsuit again? These are independent contractors, right? They have the right to wear WHATEVER THE FUCK they want when they're not in the ring, they have the RIGHT to buy WHATEVER the fuck plane ticket they want to spend their money on, and ... for fuck's sake, they derail a promising heel's run for ... THIS SHIT?
Okay, they derail it for Phil disrespecting Mark. (Note the smarky use of real names to denote that this is out-of-character stuff.) And granted, he's a guy that deserves a crapload of credit and respect. But they're going to pretty much fuck their best show (having a sadly-broken-down vet working with ANOTHER sadly-broken-down vet, with the total heat of my apartment at the moment, now that the A/C is on Max) because of stupid personal shit? ... Geez, for once THEY'RE copying *TNA*.

Posted By: MadmanJack (Registered) on October 06, 2009 at 08:55 PM

I really hope this Undertaker/CM Punk story is just a rumor. I mean it has to be, that story is too insane otherwise. Punk loses the title in ten minutes in a squash opener after months of being built because he didn't kiss the Undertaker's ass for telling him to wear a nicer shirt?!?! That's disrespectful to the title and the fans (if I'd bought that ppv it would have been with the expectation that I'd be seeing a quality Taker/Punk HiaC match, not a televised knuckle slap).

If this is really how WWE does its business than it makes them sound more like a middle school than a major wrestling promotion. Keep in mind that in this analogy, Undertaker would be a loathsome tattle-tale.

Here's a way that this piece can be used for self discovery. Read the story again. If you feel that Taker was in the right and Punk should have been treated like he was, you are a douche. You are probably middle management and any ability you've ever had to make sane and rational decisions without the dictation of an immediate superior is gone.
Taker (who doesn't follow any dress code, because of his character) isn't Punk's boss. It's not his job to tell Punk how to dress. Punk's character doesn't really jibe with the dress code anyway. Why should Punk, who's been working his ass off to get where he is, have to do the Undertaker's bidding just because Taker's assigned himself an unofficial role as a backstage bureaucrat? And why is Undertaker snitching on people? Are you kidding me? What an American Badass. This is just making me too mad to think about.

Oh, but Punk's needs to be taught a lesson about respect, right. Maybe Taker would deserve respect if he acted like an adult and could mind his own damn business, he really wasn't kidding about how much time he's spent kissing Vince's ass.

I just hope this is one of those rumors (in which case I guess I feel stupid for bothering to discuss it).

Posted By: Breakdown (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 09:22 PM

Sunny is criticising Lacey for being all eye-candy and no work rate?

Wait, my computer's going into overload searching the Internet for a Tammy Lynn Sytch five star barn burner. I'll let you know if I find one.

Posted By: Ray Church (Guest) on October 06, 2009 at 10:33 PM

"Oh great, the burial of Miz continues. And to think, I was hoping for a Miz vs. Morrison match at Bragging Rights. "

How shortsighted... he won the US title on raw...

Posted By: O (Guest) on October 07, 2009 at 05:04 AM

Small I know your trying to be nice to Slimmer but he is making the best thing on 411 look bad man. Try to help him in other ways that will not make you look bad. Other than this rant I love reading the Small-For-All keep up the other wise good work.

Posted By: BigMan3056 (Guest) on October 07, 2009 at 10:33 AM

"It was Wilcox."

Pedo

Posted By: Bobby21 (Guest) on October 07, 2009 at 07:10 PM