News From Cook's Corner 10.07.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 10.07.2009

I was the first 411 employee to get punished for violating the dress code. Apparently Randle didn't appreciate my "Cuck Fanada" t-shirt.

Sometimes it strikes me that I'm really out of touch with the current wrestling fanbase. Heck, some would say that I'm really out of touch with society in general and they'd be right. For example…I literally had no idea that anybody took Al Sharpton and his views and ramblings seriously. I've always been under the impression that Sharpton was the left's equivalent to Pat Robertson, a guy ranting and raving about God and whatnot that nobody with half a brain gave much thought to. Sure, it was funny to hear him do some Bush bashing every now and then, but it's something I watch with a chuckle. His appearance on Raw meant nothing to me because I think of him as an entertainer more than as a political force. The guy guest-starred on two episodes of my favorite television drama of the 2000s, for heaven's sake.

Anyway, I didn't even think to talk about it in last week's column because I didn't think it was much of an issue. Apparently I was wrong, as plenty of people online were ticked about Sharpton hosting the show and we even had staff members who wouldn't watch Raw because of the Reverend. Huh. I know he can say some crazy stuff, but is it really worth boycotting a wrestling show over?

Well, perhaps I shouldn't judge these people. After all, I didn't watch Raw this week because Ben Rothelishamburger was hosting. I am far more offended by my favorite professional football team's rival QB (and offensive line, but who cares about them) than I am by somebody who might have extreme political viewpoints. Hell, if they had Rush Limbaugh guest host Raw I'd be looking forward to it. The guy's goofier than a pet coon, but he is entertaining.

Oh, and between you and me, I also didn't watch Raw because of the football game, which had multiple storylines that interested me (Favre vs. Packers, the fate of one of my fantasy matchups). I tried flipping over during halftime, but there was a commercial. Lousy timing for WWE on that one. But I can't say it broke my heart that I missed out on Stealers doing crotch chops, horrible diva matches and John Cena cutting a promo where he mentioned the WWE Universe 3,496 times.



Welcome to News From Cook's Corner! It's a cold and rainy evening as I write this in the NKY, which always tends to put me in a down mood. I am totally one of those people whose mood is affected by the weather, which means I really ought to move to Hawaii or someplace like that. Hopefully somewhere without tsunamis…speaking of which, my best wishes go out to those affected by the earthquakes & tsunamis in the Pacific last week. I don't really know how many readers we have out in that part of the world, but I remember getting a lot of e-mail from a reader in the Philippines when I was doing Ask 411 Wrestling, so they've gotta be out there. Hopefully they're able to read this now.

Several weeks ago in this column, I stated that I was no longer capable of writing while intoxicated. I am happy to report that I have overcome that hurdle and am now back at 100% Cookiness. I'm not sure what Cookiness is, but it sounds good.



Some were surprised by CM Punk's defeat at the hands of Undertaker in the opening match of the Hell in the Cell PPV…not so much the fact he lost, but the fact that it jerked the curtain and went about ten minutes. Well, the hot rumor circulating around the campfire is that the Punker is being punished because he didn't dress appropriately in public. The story is that Undertaker went to Punk and said that he should dress a little better because he was representing WWE as their champion. Punk said something along the lines of "what about John Cena?"…which certain people thought meant he was insinuating that he was as big or a bigger star than John Cena. That didn't sit well with certain people, and Punk lost in the matter he did because they wanted to show him that he's not that big a star.

Gee, you give somebody the top title on each of your three brands within their first three years on the main roster and they start to think highly of themselves…who'da thunk it? We do know that Punk knows the dress code policy because he made sure to adhere to it during his run as ROH Champion in 2005.



I'm not sure if I buy into this story or not, but it does provide a plausible explanation for taking the title off Punk the way they did…well, at least plausible from WWE perspective, which is something I've never quite understood. For what it's worth, Jim Ross blew off the rumor in his weekly rant against the Internet, and there's also a rumor making the rounds that Undertaker requested that the match be earlier in the show because he didn't think he was in good enough shape to work a PPV main event. Of course, if that happens to be true then why would they put a title belt on him? That might make even less sense than punishing somebody for violating the dress code.

In case you're wondering about the whole Jeff Hardy thing, he is apparently "in good spirits" and feels that "when his case goes to court in November, that everything will work out for him." No word on what drugs he was on when this source was talking to him. I kid, I kid. Famous people generally do well in court cases with trumped up charges…right Kurt?



Angle: It's true, it's damn true!

They gave him those belts when he exited the courtroom. Jeffy's got nothing to worry about. In fact, his merchandise is selling as well as ever and he's probably getting some royalties off of that. Jeff Hardy/The Hardys merchandise is in five of the top ten slots on WWE Shopzone's top 10 list, and it isn't even on clearance or anything. It just goes to show all of the great young acts WWE can/will sell merchandise for.

Speaking of WWE merchandise, they've released new beach towels for the fall season. I didn't know Shopzone was based out of Australia, but there you go. Want more shopping news? Well, if you go to their website now you can buy one of their championship belts for 15% off. This is probably because they plan on debuting at least one new championship belt soon (please be replacing the spinner, please be replacing the spinner), and need to get rid of overstock. Now that I've stolen all of Prag's news for tomorrow, let's get back to the nonsense.

No, I don't care what the new title belt(s) will look like. I got over that sort of thing when I was ten years old.

One other person who boycotted Raw this week was Pittsburgh Steeler coach Mike Tomlin. The leader of the biggest bunch of cheaters in North America said that he doesn't watch pro wrestling at home because he doesn't want his kids to see the moves and try them. I wonder if they watch football, where large men hitting each other often get hurt worse than somewhat smaller men flying around the ring like acrobats. I'm not saying wrestling isn't dangerous (it certainly can be), but I'd think that football would be a bit more dangerous to young children.

Saturday Night Live regular Andy Samberg will apparently be guest hosting an upcoming episode of Raw. I'm not sure what it says for me that I had to look him up on Wikipedia. I guess it says that I don't watch SNL or MTV, which are both true. Next week's co-hosts will be Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell & Maria Menounos. Maria brings back memories of high school for me, as she was one of the co-hosts of "Channel One News", an educational news type show that most of us kids only put up with when they'd have a hot chick like Maria on. Ah, memories.

John Cena will be playing a wrestler in a movie. This reminds me of the time Beyonce Knowles played a hot chick in that Austin Powers movie.

It's been a rough few weeks for breast implants in WWE. Just after Mickie James came back from an implant rupture, Gail Kim had one on a house show. There's probably some sort of debate to be had on whether breast implants are worth all the trouble for female wrestlers, since they can rupture on occasion and sometimes they're just too ridiculous looking. I am probably the wrong person to have such a debate.

Let's wrap up the WWE section with this incredible description of Bragging Rights from WWE.com…

Offering the opportunity of a lifetime for the WWE Universe to see their favorite members of the blue and red brands' rosters cross paths, this innovative multi-Superstar encounter is sure to make history in Pittsburgh's Mellon Arena.

The opportunity of a lifetime? More like the opportunity of a month if you ask me.



TNA has raised the price of Bound For Glory to $39.99. If their buyrates are anywhere near as low as what people say they are, I don't know why in the blue hell they would raise prices. It'd be like raising the price of a needle because it got infected with AIDS.

Next week's Impact will be super, thanks for asking. Super Impact will be the first three-hour edition of the show and will hopefully build their PPV up to justify the price increase I spent the previous paragraph mocking. Dave Meltzer reports that it will not be three hours of "wrestling", but also contains a one-hour preview for Bound For Glory. There are three hours of Impact this week also, including Global Impact 2. That will probably be worth watching because my boy Machine Gun Anderson gets his butt kicked in the main event.

Former 411 columnist Tammy Sytch reported on her Facebook page that one of the TNA Knockouts is pregnant. I'm guessing Cody Deaner. For the record, I have no idea if the Sytch on Facebook is legitimate or not, but I take her news tips with the same amount of credibility that I take anything on Fox News. Did you see that rant she did on Lacey Von Erich in Small's column? It wasn't an original, she stole it from a monologue Glenn Beck did on Barack Obama the other day. True story.

UPDATE: Sytch has apparently gone all Matt Hardy on everybody and is admitting she made it up.Big surprise there. At least wrestling reporting has gotten easier for us columnists...we just read what wrestlers say and assume that the opposite is true. I've always done that anyway.

Matt Morgan signed a five year contract with TNA. I can't decide whether to go with the "will TNA be around in five years" question, or ask if these contracts are a…



Props to my buddy Darren for the GIF…I've been waiting a couple of weeks to use it but RVD hasn't really done anything of note lately.

Rhaka Khan is apparently gone from TNA, which is about as shocking as me getting drunk while watching a football game. I thought she was already gone since they hadn't used her in months, but I guess they kept her on the payroll while the legal situation with Kurt Angle was still playing out.

Speaking of people that are gone from TNA, Lacey Von Erich had some interesting things to say about Angelina Love in an interview with the Miami Herald.

"I feel like it was made for me, and she [Angelina] wasn't a good fit for it in my opinion…I thought that everybody was going to be, `Oh no. Angelina is gone,' but not one person said that. Nobody really missed her that much. I feel like I can fill the shoes that I'm supposed to.

"TNA told me this role was made for me, and I feel the same way. So when I met the other members, Velvet and Madison, they are awesome. . . When I got there, we all just felt like we were one group, and the band was completed. . ."

"I've never met Angelina before in my life. After what some people have said, I don't know if I want to. I just feel like we can all be a group together and shine together, so I'm excited about that.''

For what it's worth, Lacey claims the comments were done in character, which is funny because the rest of the interview wasn't. Maybe wrestlers should just decide when they're working and when they're not, or hell, if they really want to work people maybe they should just shut the hell up and let people think what they want to think. But then again, considering that she's probably backtracking because the company told her to, maybe TNA & other companies should let their independent contractors express themselves within reason. Lacey Von Erich talking smack about Angelina Love in an interview hurts nobody…unless Angelina has really thin skin, but if she does, she's in the wrong business.

I prefer to believe that all of this cattiness is true. After all, all women secretly hate each other. Am I right, ladies?



In some sad news, Bobby Heenan was unable to make an autograph signing in Philadelphia over the weekend due to falling at his house on Friday. It would have been Heenan's first public appearance since various jaw surgeries that left him incapacitated through most of 2008.

Steve Corino will be returning to Ring of Honor at the next TV tapings. I liked Corino the last time I saw him, which was in…good God, 2006? Has it been that long? Well, I can only hope he's put on even more weight and wears even more ridiculous wrestling attire to piss off the ROH fans. Sadly, after reading his article on the ROH site it seems that I can't expect extra weight on Corino. Boourns.

Playmates Toys will be developing AAA action figures to go on sale sometime around Fall 2010. Considering the state of things down there, I have no idea who these action figures will feature. La Parka, Octagon & Cibernetico were mentioned in the press release…Parka & Octagon will likely still be around, but who knows with Cibernetico. I can only hope for a Dr. Wagner Jr. action figure. AAA's roster is pretty transient…hell, long time rudo referee Tirantes is apparently leaving the promotion this week, and he was one of the first three employees.

Lex Luger killed one of the most popular wrestling urban legends this week, as he revealed on a radio show that he knew months before WrestleMania X that he wasn't going to win the WWF title. The popular story was that Luger was scheduled to win it, but he blew it by getting drunk at a bar the night before the show and telling everybody that he was going to win the WWF title at WMX. Luger said that instead he was staying with friends in Connecticut the night before the show, and he found out he wasn't going to win the title when he asked office people for a bunch of free WM tickets for his family, which had never been to a show and wanted to go with some of their friends from NYC. The story actually makes Vince McMahon look good, as he was concerned that Luger was bringing in his family to celebrate winning the title and didn't want him to disappoint them, which is why he told him he wasn't winning.

To be honest, it never made sense that they would punish him for saying he was going to win the title. As one of the 411 commenters pointed out, if you ask an athlete before a game who's going to win, they'll tell you that they are. Would they have rather had Luger say "Nah, I'm gonna do the job for Yoko"? Of course not.

Dr. Death Steve Williams is once again battling cancer, but is optimistic that he will have the same result he did last time. We here at 411mania certainly wish Doc the best and hope he's cancer-free again very soon.



Abraham Washington – I immensely disliked his talk show at first, but it's really been growing on me as a tool to further storylines. The addition of Tony Atlas as the announcer has added infinite hilarity. I'm not aware of Washington's in-ring potential, but maybe there's a reason he's a talk show host.

Brie & Nikki Bella – I am much higher on the Bellas than quite possibly everybody else on the Internet. I reckon this is because I have a soft spot for twins, and for hot sisters in general. But enough about my personal life…I do wish they'd do something other than the old Fabulous One gimmick, especially since I don't think it works very well for babyfaces outside of Memphis.

Christian – This man has been on fire ever since arriving on the ECW roster…seems the stint in TNA did a lot to recharge the Instant Classic's batteries. I know a lot of people want to see him doing more, but I think he's perfect at the level he's at right now.

Courtney Taylor – I saw her once. That isn't enough to form an opinion on a woman unless there's tongue-kissing involved.

DJ Gabriel – Is he still around? Apparently he's been sent back down to FCW and is appearing there as just "Gabriel", but his presence on the roster page may mean he'll be back one of these days. Or maybe they just forgot to remove him. It happens.

Ezekiel Jackson – Big Zeke has followed in the fine tradition of bodyguards outlasting their employers with wrestling promotions. I'll risk criticism and say he looks like Ahmed Johnson (especially now with the red tights), but he doesn't work nearly as sloppy. He's shown a little promise the few instances he's got to talk, and if he stays in good shape and continues to improve could have the most potential out of Regal's minions. Not like that's saying a whole lot, but still.

Goldust – Dustin is highly acclaimed by many on the Interwebs, but to me he's one of the most frustrating performers in wrestling history. He can either be really good or be really, really bad depending on what the situation is and what kind of shape he's in. As decent as his return to WWE has been, it still hasn't gotten the bad taste of Black Reign out of my mouth.

Gregory Helms – I haven't seen much of Gregory since the Hurricane returned. I wonder why that is.

Josh Mathews – I know a 411 staffer who thinks Josh is very attractive. As for his announcing…he's ok, but sometimes on Superstars there's a lot of dead air when Mathews should be saying something, and it seems like Matt Striker does play by play and color for most of the match. When Mathews talks he isn't too offensive, but it doesn't seem like he has a lot to say, or he's holding something back. Maybe it's just in comparison to Striker, who says enough for five announcers sometimes.

Katie Lea Burchill – I've talked about Katie a lot in the Rs…she's a very talented wrestler who isn't quite as good in the valet role. To her credit, she has stepped up her game in that role recently. I'm not sure if her and her brother will get some sort of a push or not, but they do well with what they're given.

Matt Striker – He's a very good talker, but it seems like he talks too much on occasion. I do like the fact that he has fifteen different nicknames for each wrestler on ECW, but sometimes he sounds like a video game announcer. He's done very well with the gig though, and I see him moving up to Raw or SD whenever somebody on those shows wants to step aside.

Paul Burchill – I like him. I don't know if they'll ever do anything of much note with him, but he's got a heck of a lot of potential to be something in the wrestling business.

Savannah – Along with Courtney Taylor, ECW's other new interview chick, I haven't seen enough of her to have an opinion. I do see that her name in FCW was Angela Fong, and I think a match with Angela Fong vs. Awesome Kong would have been ideal from a name standpoint. Or possibly a Fong & Kong tag team.

Sheamus – The kid has some potential and WWE seems to want to push him. I'm not sure if the fans are buying in quite yet, but these things take time. His moveset isn't anything to write home about, which is a complaint I have for most of the developmental kids.

Shelton Benjamin – Shelton's got all the athletic talent in the world, he's just never connected with the people as a personality. As long as he's been with WWE, if he hasn't done it by now I don't know when he will do it. I'm a big Shelton fan, and have been since I saw him beat Triple H in Cincinnati in 2004, but I recognize his limitations.

The Hurricane – Perfectly acceptable mid-card attraction that appeals to the kids. It'd be lunacy to push him as anything else, but it's a good career path for Helms.

Tiffany – I'm surprised Vince doesn't spend more time in her office than in Teddy Long's. Seems like she has the things he'd be interested in, am I right?

Tommy Dreamer – Tommy's finally had a somewhat decent run in WWE after years of doing nothing of note. Good for him…everybody says he's a nice guy.

Tony Atlas – I've enjoyed Atlas in his roles as Mark Henry's manager and Abraham Washington's announcer. The one time I didn't enjoy him was when he was in a match with Evan Bourne. That was tough to watch…but one could argue that Atlas has gone less downhill than most wrestlers his age. Of course, he didn't have very far down the hill to go.

Tony Chimel – I enjoyed the way Chimel used to introduce John Cena on Smackdown. Can't say I remember much else he's done outside the feud with Mr. Kennedy, but he's a perfectly competent ring announcer.

Tyler Reks – I've seen a lot of Reks on Superstars, and there isn't much to write about. I think he may need some more seasoning in Florida.

Vladimir Kozlov – There should always be a place for evil Russians in pro wrestling, even if the Russians aren't really a threat anymore. Whether Kozlov is the man to continue that tradition or not, I'm not sure. He does have awesome entrance music and I enjoy his squash matches every now and then.

William Regal – Regal has been reborn as the top heel in ECW, playing a role similar to his days as Lord Steven Regal in WCW. He was one of the top heels on their secondary shows, and usually had some sort of an entourage with him. Good times. I'd like to see him get a run with the belt after Christian's reign is over.

Yoshi Tatsu – Are they still doing the whole emo thing with Yoshi? I remember saying once in the Rs that WWE really needs to capitalize on the emo market, especially since Jeff Hardy is gone and Matt Hardy only seems emo in real life. I love the new Misawa-style tights I saw him wear on Superstars a couple of weeks ago.

Zack Ryder – The Woo Woo Woo Man hasn't done much to impress me in the ring, but he's developed a pretty good character and doesn't come off like a deer in the headlights when talking, which puts him a step ahead of most of his peers. I see some potential here, but he needs to ditch the Jimmy Jacobs circa 2004 style tights.

So there's ECW. There's a reason people call it a televised developmental territory…but I don't think that's a bad thing. There's some good young talent here, mixed with some iffy talent, some talent that has no direction, and some very good veterans. Considering there's only one hour to work with for this bunch…it ain't a bad hour.

Next time we'll look at TNA! God, that might take 5,000 words in itself.



Gerretsen talks about Kurt Angle and a man who I've never heard of. All I know is that his name's almost as funny as Gerretsen's.

Eubanks loves Smackdown almost as much as I love beer. OK, that's a lie.

I wish Superstars was longer so I would have more to contribute to the R column. But then again, if it was longer that would mean I couldn't watch everything else that I watch on Thursday nights. Let's stick with the status quo.

Bond goes against the grain and talks about the last time I thought Matt Hardy mattered.

Hubbard tells the story of Little Johnny. You know, Heidenreich's friend! Certainly I'm not the only one who remembers that lame angle, am I?

And that's all we have time for this week! Thanks for reading the latest installment of News From Cook's Corner. JP Prag is in tomorrow, and we'll be right back here next week. Until then…WHODEY!