The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 10.13.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 10.13.2009

That's My Sytch, Willie Aames Malebag, When Wine Parties Go Wrong, Wargames, Flair's Fourth Marriage, Raw's Diva Trade, Paul Cohen, Why No One is Buying Bound for Glory!

That's My Sytch

Before even covering your feedback regarding Sunny's Facebook posts, I have a funny little story to tell. Granted, this does not end with me and my pants around my ankles, though look back, it's pretty absurd as to what I did. First off, a confession – I found last week's Sunny tirade on Lords of Pain, not her Facebook page. Since I'm not friends with her, I do not have the privilege at seeing her Facebook status updates. However, someone at LOP does, which led to me using that news brief. Last Tuesday, when searching LOP again, I found that Sunny once again updated her page and this time, included a potshot at a different subject. Here's what she wrote:

Tamara Lynn Sytch: "thinks it's hysterical that (name of certain wrestling website) website "journalists" can't think of their own material to write about, so they have to quote my Facebook status updates...hahaha...quote this, (name of certain wrestling reporter)--Lacey is a disrepectful ignorant b...itch...I never back down from my words. How long before that goes on your site?? LOLOL"

Seeing as how I am an egotistical prick, I immediately wondered if she was talking about me. You think that she would still remember this site from the Hyatte days. With that said, those bastards at LOP refused to name "their competition" in fear that the three people who visit their page (I'm one of them) would leave for good. So what should I do? Should I –

a) Friend her on Facebook to find out the answer. Of course, I had too much pride to do this.
b) Have one of my friends Facebook friend her (which happened). My buddy's response to my request: "Dude she's hot. I'll do it."

A sidenote: I met Sunny once in 2001 at an indy show and she was mad cool and still hot. I, of course, had a boner. She, of course, took my ten dollars. Ah, memories.

c) Ask the 411 Wrestling staff to Facebook friend her (which also happened).

Through choice "c", I found out that she was referring to WrestleZone. WrestleZone, who goes to that shitty website? Then again, at least Sunny's not stupid enough to visit Inside Pulse!!!

Where's my Willie?



There's my Willie! Ladies and gentleman, the Willie Aames malebag!

First off, kudos for the new malebag. From M:-X,

"You forgot to include that Willie starred in the 80s cult favorite cartoon "Dungeons and Dragons" as the guy with the magical bow... MAGICAL BOW!!!!!"

I did forget about this. Granted, magical bow or no magical bow, nothing compares to starring in a bad ripoff of the Blue Lagoon with Phoebe Cates. Don't believe me. Take a look at this pivotal shower scene from Paradise:


Even Bill Cosby approves!

Unfortunately, not everyone was happy with my selection of malebag hosts. From AndreFan, "Mr. Small, you have disappointed me greatly with your malebag. If that was all you could come up with for the 80's, you should have left Patrick Swayze as a tribute. Great column as always, will certainly continue to read, may just skip over the malebag. Tom Selleck malebag would have been awesome!"

Well Andre, if you decide to skip the malebag, you will miss this joke. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. Just kidding Andre. Considering you comment pretty frequently, I definitely should be nicer to one of my loyal Smallophiles.

My choice in malebag hosts wasn't the only debated topic in the Small-For-All Message Board. A few people had difference of opinions regarding my newest SFA segment: Slimmer's Wall of Text. First the positive. From Dylan, who might be Slimmer's only fan, "Great to see Slimmer back. Larry should make an exception for him if he ever decides to write a column on his own. (Doesn't need any pictures or videos)He has written columns that have generated more comments than anyone on this site. (Including Larry himself) He is a true testament that he should be the exception to these new rules."

Dylan, I doubt Slimmer has generated more comments than anyone on this site. Considering he's only written five columns in the year 2009, he can't possibly be #1. As for his exception to the new rules, that's clearly up to me. If I want to add pictures and text and remove 80% of the stuff he writes me, then it's my prerogative. Clearly, CSONKA does not think Slimmer's ready to handle column writing responsibilities at this moment and I'm doing my part to help him out.

On the flipside of Dylan's fellatio, BigMan3056 stated " Small I know your trying to be nice to Slimmer but he is making the best thing on 411 look bad man. Try to help him in other ways that will not make you look bad. Other than this rant I love reading the Small-For-All keep up the other wise good work. "

Slimmer actually emailed me after reading this comment. I just had to post what he wrote (and I won't even censor any part of it!). "DAMN! I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt a little. And how the hell did you end up looking like the good guy here? Two weeks ago you hated on poor ol' Bob Dylan and then used a Dylan song to introduce your TNA news, and this week you cut out the title of my top ten list and six of the ten entries. And Lansdell thinks Orton is the perfect heel... But never fear, I've got an idea for two weeks from now that will clear my name and bring joy to even the most loyal Smallophile. And I owe it all to John Cena and his Oscar-worthy new movie..."

Next week kids, Slimmer attempts to bring da hitz with a look at John Cena's next movie. And to think I only have one week to think of ways to sabotage help him out.

Foosball

From Guest#3838, "Roethlisberger is no Joe Flacco? You were joking right? Roethlisberger has 2 Super Bowl rings and his Steelers beat Flacco's Ravens 3 times last year. I'm not a Steelers fan by any means but to say Big Ben is no Flacco is asinine."

Ha, I'm glad someone mentioned this. Guest, that statement was just an inside joke between me and one of my friends. Should I really write statements that only one Smallophile might get? Absolutely.

Khali

From loyal reader Butters4Prez, "So sorry to see Khali down, as a loyal reader, I know how much he meant in your life and what a huge gaping hole that will be to fill, but you'll live."

Oh don't worry, there are plenty of other stiffs for me to discover and rub out.

The Undertaker's New Clothes

Clearly, I cannot get to everyone's comments – but I do appreciate your hostility to the Undertaker's latest burial.

One comment to discuss. This one from Guest#6851, "Undertaker is just as bad as Hogan or Nash when it comes to playing politics and jealously guarding his "spot" at the expense of what is good for business. Undertaker has gotten over on the basis of a bigger than life gimmick/persona just like Hogan, yet Hogan, despite being the biggest star this business has ever seen, is vilified by the IWC, while they cream in their pants over Undertaker, who is as big of a bully as JBL or Hardcore Holly, and almost as big of a douche as Hogan."

Allow me to disagree with these comments. Look, I understand if people are unhappy with the way Taker went about his business. Granted, he could have easily nipped it in the bud with Punk with resorting to telling management; however, I do not believe that he's doing this to guard his "spot." Taker has been the backstage enforcer for the WWE for a long, long time. This is nothing new for him. It just happened to coincide with his latest championship push. Honestly even if Punk walked around in a suit all day backstage, he would have still jobbed the title to Taker at Hell in the Cell. Just in the main event.

Sunny Daze

From dogpound7382, "you need some sunny pics on here"

Ask and you shall receive.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…



WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that never fails like fudge, the Small-For-All News Report. Honestly, there's really not a whole lot to speak on today. So instead of rewriting the redundant stories of the weekend, I'd rather make a bunch of shit up instead. For instance, were you aware that Shelton Benjamin likes black tacos? Because he does.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Would You Like Cheese With that Whine

Since there's really not much going on in the world of rasslin', let's talk about some of the stupider news I've read. And no I did not make this up. From CityPaper.net, "WWE lawyers issued a cease-and-desist letter to Keith Wallace, founder and director of The Wine School of Philadelphia, over the event the school is having called Sommelier Smackdown. Wallace's series pits a professional sommelier's food and wine pairings against those of a member of the Wine School team, with the students voting for the winner.

Wallace has no plans to cease using the phrase in contest. "They don't have a leg to stand on. I am not going to bow down to a bully," he says in a press release. "They claim that they own the term "smackdown" but they don't." In response to the WWE threat, Wallace is calling out Mr. McMahon and the wrestler Chris Jericho to a wine-tasting double-team cage match."

What has Chris Jericho done to deserve such treatment? I don't know about you but a wine-tasting double-team cage match sounds dangerous!!! Intoxication is no laughing matter so I do not know why Keith Wallace is throwing around such threats. Even if the WWE is administering a flying suplex to the WSP (says the article's title), why must we result to violence.


I wouldn't even wish violence on these two men.

In all seriousness, it's absurd that the WWE is actually spending money going after the Wine School of Philadelphia. I doubt anyone would actually mistake this wine event for a night of sports entertainment. It's like someone mixing up pandas and the WWE – impossible. This just seems like a waste of time for the WWE as even if they are in the right here, why bring negative publicity on yourself? Instead of this tomfoolery, they should focus their time doing good for the community with anti-drinking PSAs. And the best news is that they already have one filmed.



Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Ric Flair's girlfriend has a ring on her finger. Yup, he's preparing for his fourth marriage.

Here's hoping Flair was smart enough to get this woman to sign a pre-nup. Actually, Flair really has nothing to his name so here's hoping that he was smart enough to not have her sign a pre-nup. Woo!

With Elimination Chamber already chosen for the February PPV, it's time to choose the name of the May PPV. Your choices are: Riot Control, Wargames, and Multimania.

Poor Judgment Day, it never had a chance. Of the three, clearly Riot Control would be my choice. It could be like One Night Stand 2 only with John Cena defeating RVD in the main event! And just think of how much DX apparel could be sold at this event.

Oh fuck it, since everyone wants it, so let's finally have a Wargames PPV. Be careful what you wish for, though.

Diva Trade

Late breaking Small-For-All News. Here's a look at tonight's Diva trade.

To Raw

Melina, Eve, the Bella Twins

To Smackdown

Beth Phoenix & Mickie James

To ECW

Rosa Mendez

Let's dissect this massive trade my friends. Of the three brands, clearly, Smackdown should be the biggest beneficiary. Both Phoenix and James are big names that can help solidify a roster that only includes Michelle McCool and Maria. While James takes a minor hit by losing her championship on Raw to Jillan Hall of all people, she will no doubt be involved in the Smackdown Diva title picture. Phoenix should also see a bigger storyline on Smackdown as she was left out in the cold after the Glamerella feud ended.

Of all the ladies only Eve is the loser here as she had a decent gimmick being Cryme Tyme's hoodrat. On Raw, let's hope she's not lost in the shuffle. The Bella Twins was an easy move as they spent more time with the male guest hosts on Raw than they did on ECW. And speaking of the neglected brand, they picked up Rosa Mendez who could easily manage someone like Zack Ryder. Let's just say her wrestling career ended with a few stinkbombs the last few weeks.

In the end, I think these moves actually helped out all three brands. The big question is why did this trade actually happen. Personally, I believe it had something to do with Melina, Batista, and John Morrison all being on Smackdown. But that's just my speculation. Of course, we shall wait and see what Tammy Sytch thinks of all this – since she's got the inside scoop.




Sorry kids, no Raw thoughts tonight as I stuck with Monday Night Football. Being a Jets fan and with fantasy implications on the line, the game was way more important than a Monday Night Raw hosted by Nancy O'Dell and Maria something. Seriously, Dirty Sanchez > Access Hollywood. And he's so dreamy.

Judging by the Raw results, it appears that I missed nothing. Well except for a crazy Divas title change and the announcement of Miz vs. Morrison, which I called last week! Oh man, am I booking Raw? HELL NO – there's no Great Khali!

Instead of my Raw thoughts, allow me to introduce my special guest host of the week – everyone's favorite Fact or Fiction guest participant, Paul Cohen. For today's special assignment, I sent him a few Fact or Fiction questions I wanted him to answer. Behold Small-For-All Fact or Fiction Starring Paul Cohen

1) Bromance, starring Brody Jenner, was pretty gay.

Paul: Fact. Anything that involved Brody Jenner automatically is considered gay. Any time 2 men spend that much time together, you know something is going on behind the camera. Don't ask, don't tell, in fact, don't show up on my TV anymore.

2) I have never kissed a girl.

Paul: Fact. Second rate gender doesn't deserve my kisses. Why should I waste my hard-earned dollars on women? Their biggest attractions are their headlights. Guys had a deep talent base. Women have no fucking clue how to display it.

3) Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite.

Paul: Fiction. Been there, done that. Nothing extra poking.

4) Batista's biceps are stunning.

Paul: Fact. Scotty Steiner has shown us the way.



5) The Small-For-All is the best 411 News Report.

Paul: Fact. Duh. No commentary necessary. The Small-For-All is the best thing about 411.

6) Most wrestling fans are virgins.

Paul: Fact, fact a bazillion times fact. If they were getting laid, they wouldn't get so upset every time their favorite wrestler got injured, lost a title, ended up with drug charges, got married or divorced, read their name in a wrestling website.



Anything else you'd like to add, Paul?

Paul: I don't whine, pull punches or have to remove sand from my vagina and post bullshit in the comments section, hiding behind some cute moniker to express my thoughts.

Touché. However, Paul, you are a doucebag. You used Fact or Fiction to try to make a name for yourself. And you did so at my expense whether you wanted to or not. Get over yourself assclown. And stop thinking you had sex with Lady Gaga – that shit's gross.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed the first and last edition of Fact or Fiction with Paul Cohen.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Playboy Buzzkill

Man, how does Knockout Traci Brooks feel? She went from thinking she was going to be on the cover of Playboy to not even appearing in the magazine. Now, a month later, we find out that Playboy is so desperate for attention that they will put Marge Simpson on the cover. Marge Simpson. She's not even a hot cartoon mom. Give me Lois from Family Guy or I don't know some Japanese chick for the message board nerds. But Marge Simpson. Traci, I think it's time for you to dye your hair blue. Nah seriously, I think it's time for you to pose for Penthouse. That magazine is much better at highlighting your assets.



Seriously does anyone want to see that?

Speaking of stuff no one wants to see, TNA's got a PPV this coming Sunday. In fact, it's Bound For Glory and I don't know about you but there's little buzz heading into their #1 PPV. Hell, there's more buzz for Thursday's 3 hour Impact show. While I know that TNA cannot compete with WrestleMania, I was at least hoping that Bound For Glory would have a pulse heading into the weekend. But honestly, I just do not foresee a big buyrate here. Sorry TNA fans.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

You can blame this week's lackluster report on a lack of news and Paul Cohen. Thank goodness Slimmer returns with a look at John Cena next week. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!