The Wrestling News Experience: 10.19.09
Posted by Stephen Randle on 10.19.2009
In this Experience, a very special guest host discusses the results of Bound for Glory and previews tonight's Raw, plus Shane's qualifications for being a young lion, more renaming of WWE PPVs, and the relations between South Park and wrestling!
Monday, October 19th, 2009
From 411Mania's Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle! Buddy!
Careful What You Wish For
Good morning, humans, and welcome to the Mew-xperience. I am not Stephen Randle, who is currently curled in the fetal position following a thirteen hour shift, babbling something about "what idiot took the time to write a country song about saving local TV and thought it would make me supportive of them". Sad, really. However, the show, as they say, must go on, and seeing as I am the most popular feature of this little rag Stephen dedicates his free time too, I have stepped up to entertain you. I am Buddy, eldest and favourite cat, and I have no opinion on local TV, TV taxes, or anything else about TV. It's all just bright lights and sudden movements to me anyway. Plus, if I get too close to the television I get sprayed with water. Savages.
Anyone expecting cutely misspelled phrases involving cheeseburgers will be moderately disappointed. You know Serious Cat? He has nothing on me.
Amazing Red defeated Suicide, Daniels, Homicide, Alex Shelley, and Chris Sabin in an Ultimate X match to retain the TNA X Division title
Pfft, the X Division thinks it's so hot because they can jump high and crawl on wires. Well, I jumped from the floor to the top of the fridge the other day, and nobody gave me a title. All I got was yelled at for knocking off a box of cereal. Who keeps cereal on top of a fridge?
Taylor Wilde and Sarita defeated The Beautiful People to retain the TNA Knockouts Tag Team titles (Wilde pinned Rayne, dropkick-German suplex combo)
Eric Young defeated Kevin Nash and Hernandez in a Triple Threat Match to win the TNA Legends title (Young pinned Nash, groin shot)
Listen, I know I'm only two years old, but even in that short amount of time I can tell Eric Young is not a legend. It's like they made up a title for no reason!
Team 3D won the IWGP Tag Team Titles and The British Invasion won the TNA Tag Team Titles in a Full Metal Mayhem match involving Booker T & Scott Steiner and Beer Money Inc.
ODB defeated Awesome Kong and Tara in a Triple Threat Match to retain the TNA Knockouts Title (ODB pinned Kong, facebuster on chair)
I have to say, if I weren't neutered, I'd probably steal that Tara woman right out from under Sforcina's nose. Girls still think kitties are cute, right?
Bobby Lashley defeated Samoa Joe in a Submissions Only match (submission, Anaconda Vice)
Abyss defeated Mick Foley in a Monster's Ball match (pinfall, chokeslam on barbed wire)
Kurt Angle defeated Matt Morgan (pinfall, victory roll)
AJ Styles defeated Sting to retain the TNA World Title (pinfall, springboard splash)
Well, since I'm here already, there's no need for an insipid little picture of me offering a one-line quip that may or may not be related to the actual show. I could not help but notice that except for Kurt Angle, the entire Main Event Mafia lost their matches, and now have no titles. I can't help but feel that the guy who scoops my poop predicted a bad end to the Main Event Mafia storyline back when they seemed to completely forget about the Frontline. Ah well, at least there's the World Elite stable now, which is like the MEM, but without any main event credibility.
What? You expected an in-depth rating system? I'm a cat!
Tonight's Host: Filthy canine…
Last week, John Cena survived both a triple threat match with both members of Legacy, and then a tag match against Legacy with his completely unsupportive partner, Randy Orton. However, this week, John Cena faces what may be his last match on Raw, and thanks to Randy Orton, he will face Triple H. I guess it has been a couple months since they've wrestled, but I have a short attention span even for cats and it still seems like I've been watching this match forever.
Meanwhile, the dissension in Legacy may have reached a new high, as Cody Rhodes stole a pin on Ted DiBiase to qualify for Team Raw at Bragging Rights, and DiBiase also rolled up Randy Orton for a pinfall of his own to end the show last week. Is Legacy just about ready to strike out on their own, or will Orton reassert his dominance?
Plus…actually, there's not much else to talk about, as all the matches for Bragging Rights are already set and the title holders are either on Team Raw or facing somebody on Smackdown at the PPV. Huh. I guess they didn't really think that through. I mean, I guess there'll be something involving Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle, which always keeps me riveted. I mean, I'm also amused by bits of string and drink straws, but for me, this is the storyline of the year.
And I wonder if they'll remember about the last time Santino met Snoop Dogg?
All in the Family
The biggest news this week is the sudden departure (well, he'll be leaving in three months) of Shane McMahon from WWE. Obviously, this is a surprising move given that his father owns the entire company and Shane isn't known for anything outside of the pro wrestling industry. The most recent unfounded rumours involve Shane working for his mother's political campaign or buying WCW out from under his father and using the wrestlers under contract as a band of rebels to attack his father's company. But then they remember that he already did that once and it failed miserably. Or, as WWE history says, it was a resounding success for the valiant defenders of WWE itself.
You know what bothers me? When they started calling Shane a "young lion". He can't be a young lion. He's not even a cat. I should know, I'm descended from lions. I even have traces of lion in my appearance. Okay, so I'm more orange and striped, and I don't have a mane, but still, total king of the jungle, baby.
Goodbye, Captain Lou
Wrestling lost a legendary wrestler and manager this past week, as Captain Lou Albano passed away at the ripe old age of 75, following a long battle with…growing old? Are we sure he was a pro wrestler? So he lived a long, healthy life and went comfortably, surrounded by loved ones, without controversy or Nancy Grace specials? Surely, you must be kidding.
Seriously, thoughts and prayers of everyone here are with Lou Albano's friends and family. And somebody find out where he kept his rubber bands. I need them for…a project...that totally doesn't involve chasing them around the kitchen until I lose them under the stove and spend five minutes batting at wall until the guy who feeds me has to get up and distract me.
Politics
Well, Jerry Lawler lost the mayoral election, but at least he was graceful in overwhelming defeat. Grace and dignity seem in short supply on the other side of the wrestling political spectrum, however, as it didn't take long for Connecticut Democrats running against Linda McMahon's bid for US Senate to dig up all sorts of footage from dastardly things that WWE Superstars have done under her tenure as CEO. Specifically, they've brought up scenarios particularly degrading towards women, such as Katie Vick, and used them to suggest that Linda is some sort of woman-hating misogynist (which I'm not entirely sure would be out of place in the UN Senate). Of course, that would make more sense if Linda McMahon were the one in charge of writing the weekly television show, and not the person who oversees the financial position of the company. But when Stephanie gets it into her giant boobs that she could run for Senate, then they've got lots of material.
Cartoons
It's been announced that South Park will be running an episode that involved professional wrestling. This comes on the heels of The Simpsons running an MMA-themed show, and really, South Park is the perfect choice to showcase pro wrestling as subject matter. After all, South Park used to be incredibly popular and mainstream, until it got boring and resorted to stupid shock tactics and hotshot writing in a desperate attempt to stay topical until nobody cares that it exists anymore outside of hardcore fans.
If you still watch South Park and have a different opinion, I think it's very important that you realize that I won't be reading your comments. Because I can't read. I'm a cat.
WWE: Generic PPV…Wait, What?
And with WWE deciding that "Elimination Chamber" is a far better choice for the name of their February PPV than, say…anything, that leaves only a couple more PPVs without a specific gimmick name that will totally handcuff their writing staff and lead to the complete watering down of previously massively popular gimmick matches. And wouldn't you know it, rumour is that WWE's latest survey looks to re-name Judgment Day, saving that guy who buys me catnip mice the yearly fight about the spelling of "Judgment". Apparently, among the choices is the secret dream of any true wrestling fan, "War Games", potentially referring to the old WCW gimmick of a two-ring, ten-man, steel cage match that has provided some of the best matches in WCW history and is considered one of Dusty Rhodes' greatest ideas. So, I say WWE screws this up by failing to use the gimmick for a massive feud-ender involving two five-man factions and just chooses ten men through random qualifying matches in a match designed to determine, once again, "Brand Supremacy". But I thought we figured that all out when Batista beat Umaga at WrestleMania 24? Wait, which brand were Batista and Umaga on at that point? And how do I remember WrestleMania 24? I wasn't even born then.
Inactive List as of 10.12.09
WWE Raw
- Maryse, out indefinitely as of July 28th (knee surgery)
WWE SmackDown
- Edge, out indefinitely as of July 4th (torn Achilles tendon)
- The Great Khali, out indefinitely as of September 15th (knee surgery)
ECW
- No reported injuries
TNA
- Jeff Jarrett, out indefinitely as of July 21st (self-imposed suspension)
Transactions
- Beth Phoenix, RAW, traded to Smackdown
- Eve, SD!, traded to Raw
- Mickie James, RAW, traded to Smackdown
- Melina, SD!, traded to Raw
- Nicki and Brie Bella, ECW, traded to Raw
- Rosa Mendes, RAW, traded to ECW
Who negotiated this trade on ECW's behalf? This makes their part in the 15-person deal a few months ago look…well, actually, that one still looks pretty bad. Mew.
WWE
WWE Champion: Randy Orton
- 15 day reign, defeated John Cena in a Hell in a Cell Match on October 4th (Hell in a Cell PPV)
- Next title defense: vs John Cena, "Anything Goes" Iron Man Match, Bragging Rights PPV
World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker
- 15 day reign, defeated CM Punk in a Hell in a Cell Match on October 4th (Hell in a Cell PPV)
- Next title defense: vs CM Punk, Batista, and Rey Mysterio, Fatal Four-Way Match, Bragging Rights PPV
ECW Champion: Christian
- 85 day reign, defeated Tommy Dreamer on July 26th (Night of Champions PPV)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: John Morrison
- 45 day reign, defeated Rey Mysterio on September 4th (Smackdown)
WWE United States Champion: The Miz
- 14 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston on October 5th (Raw)
WWE Undisputed Tag Team Champions: Chris Jericho and The Big Show
- 85 day reign (as team of Chris Jericho and Big Show), The Big Show named as replacement for former champion Edge on July 26th (Night of Champions PPV)
- 38 day reign (as team of Chris Jericho and Edge), defeated former champions The Colons and Legacy in a Triple Threat Match on June 28th (The Bash PPV)
WWE Women's Champion: Michelle McCool
- 113 day reign, defeated Melina on June 28th (The Bash PPV)
**MEW** WWE Diva's Champion: Jillian Hall
- 0 day reign, defeated Mickie James on October 12th (Raw)
I guess WWE realized she'd been around for a few years and still wasn't a "former Women's champion"
**MEW** WWE Diva's Champion: Melina
- 7 day reign, defeated Jillian Hall on October 12th (Raw)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: AJ Styles
- 29 day reign, defeated former champion Kurt Angle, Matt Morgan, Hernandez, and Sting in a Five-Way Match on September 20th (No Surrender PPV)
**MEW** TNA Tag Team Champions: The British Invasion
- 1 day reign, defeated Beer Money, Inc., Team 3D, and former champions Booker T & Scott Steiner in a Full Metal Mayhem match on October 18th (Bound For Glory PPV)
TNA X-Division Champion: Amazing Red
- 11 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe on October 8th (Impact)
TNA Knockouts Champion: ODB
- 64 day reign, with Cody Deaner, defeated former champion Angelina Love and Velvet Sky in a tag match on August 16th (Hard Justice PPV)
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Taylor Wilde and Sarita
- 29 day reign, defeated The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne) to win the newly created title on September 20th (No Surrender PPV)
**MEW** TNA Legends Champion: Eric Young
- 1 day reign, defeated former champion Kevin Nash and Hernandez in a Triple Threat match on October 18th (Bound For Glory PPV)
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT.
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That's our show, Small is in tomorrow, hopefully my provider of food and litter changes will be back next week.
Have a good one, and always be a cat. If possible.
Mew.
"Whoever made that cheat sheet wasn't a real cheater. Just stupid and insecure."
"I may be insecure, but I'm not stupid"
"Well, I may be stupid, but I'm not trying to look like I'm not."
"Well, I may be a genius, but I'm not a lesbian."
Not sure if you were being sarcastic with your review of the Ultimate X match from Bound for Glory, but I agree with your sarcasm, if that is possible at all.
That sort of X division is not impressive to me. Ric Flair calling Mick Foley a glorified stuntman is what the TNA X-Divison is to me. They can fly and jump and flip. Great. Now can we get a match maybe? Selling that top rope brainbuster-hurricaranna flip reverse-powerbomb? No? You are up already? Ok next spot.
Posted By: WATRYJ (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:29 AM
i think the legends title is clearly becoming tnas equiv to an ic title.although they need to do is rename the belt to like the international or tv title
Posted By: Guest#0560 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:30 AM
Frogboy Eric Young trying to be Chris Jericho? Terrible. Winning the Legend's Title? Terrible. With what ounce of credibility that belt had is now destroyed with that goon holding the strap......
Posted By: Ha! (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:31 AM
Randle, I've been reading your column for as long as you've been at 411 and I feel that I must tell you that the cat thing is making you come across like an insane old lady with no friends.
Posted By: Q:? (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:39 AM
why are you hating on the x-division? if you saw the match you would have seen that ultimate x was wicked, at least 4 stars!
Posted By: Sham (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:59 AM
"After all, South Park used to be incredibly popular and mainstream, until it got boring and resorted to stupid shock tactics and hotshot writing in a desperate attempt to stay topical until nobody cares that it exists anymore outside of hardcore fans."
Not that I care all that much, but I think you've got that backwards. South Park was popular when it was nothing but shock value, and I think the writing got better as it's popularity decreased.
Posted By: Captian Sassypants (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 03:10 AM
Randle, really? Writing as a cat? Lame.
Posted By: lev (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 03:14 AM
Great Community reference. WATCH COMMUNITY THURSDAYS AT 8/7 C ON NBC!
Posted By: Guest#1643 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 03:48 AM
Would it have still gotten 4 stars if Daniels broke his fucking neck?
I don't want to see my favorite wrestlers taking those kind of risks. It's insane.
Posted By: Guest#5621 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 04:25 AM
how come the New Japan tag titles aren't listed in the TNA section, they're on Impact & TNAs PPVs.
Posted By: Latex (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 05:40 AM
randle..i usually enjoy your column, but this "cat-view" here was utterly bullshit!!!
Posted By: Guest#1179 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:32 AM
You're a fucking disgrace with your cat bullshit. I fucking hate cats even more than I did before.
Posted By: Fuckthisshit (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:47 AM
Well you can't have her. She's mine!
Posted By: mlsq42 (Registered) on October 19, 2009 at 06:50 AM
Seriously, not a good read. This wasn't funny nor interesting. If you're feeling lazy, don't write anything.
Posted By: Punk (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:52 AM
"Randle, I've been reading your column for as long as you've been at 411 and I feel that I must tell you that the cat thing is making you come across like an insane old lady with no friends."
Makes me want to stop reading the column all together, hope it doesn't continue or I will.
Posted By: Guest#8309 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 07:58 AM
That pile of dung 'Match A Day' column should have taught you how hard it is to be funny pretending to write from a different perspective.
And dude, South Park was popular and mainstream but then got boring and started to resort to shock tactics? The reason they were popular and mainstream was *because* they relied on shock tactics.
Now South Park has become an often-brilliant satirical show, consistenly superior to nearly everything on television.
If you no longer watch it now that it isn't popular and mainstream, fine; but there are many, many people out there who can appreciate how much it has grown up beyond/behind the curse words and shock tactics that made the 'mainstream', and you, like it in the first place.
Posted By: Chungles (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 08:13 AM
Good job Buddy. Everyone should have a pet who can step in during their politically induced comas.
Posted By: Pete (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 08:15 AM
There was literally no point in reading this. Thanks for wasting my time.
Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 08:23 AM
this sucks. You are no dusty the fat bitter cat sir.
Posted By: dildolunch (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 09:22 AM
He's not hating on the X match, just stating that it's ridiculous to see these people take the moves they do and get up quickly, then watch a match later on the card where someone is taken down by a clothesline or big boot and stays down longer.
And also, I keep cereal packets on top of the fridge...it's the best place for them and cats need to stay the fuck off the fridge at all times!!! Fuckers!
Posted By: dennett316 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 09:22 AM
another successfully trolled dirtsheet. The "war games" story is completely fake and has no merit to it what so ever. How do I know? because I made it up and posted it on a forum site to troll them and then the dirtsheets took it and ran with it.
Posted By: Guest#1610 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 09:43 AM
Cat lovers are afraid to come out of the closet.
Come out and play, Randle. Come out and play.
Posted By: Big Fat Fag (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 09:44 AM
This... was beyond lame...
Posted By: The Fuj (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 10:18 AM
Wow. talk about mailing it in. Lame cat jokes. Randle mailed this article in more than the Tennessee Titans did yesterday. Jesus.
Posted By: Arman Tanzarian (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 10:26 AM
Now if we can get Buddy to host RAW.
Posted By: Bobby the Brain (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 10:29 AM
I realize this is free and you guys do this on your own free time, but it annoys me when writers try to pad out columns with a lame gimmick. This one really didn't work, sorry.
Posted By: lilwayne1 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 11:04 AM
well i thought it was quite a refreshing change for a one-off. wouldn't want the cat every week cos then it'll become stale, but as a (limited) recurring feature, yeah why not? it's still opinions on wrestling stories which is waht we read for, right?
Posted By: bud (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 11:09 AM
So everyone hates they put the legends title on EY? Look, they are trying to make him credible by letting him win a legitimate title and doing it dirty makes him look like the sneaky heel he is suppose to be. Now he can claim that he is, or will be, a true legend of pro wrestling. Plus the title is off of Nash so thats always a positive.
Posted By: Guest#0873 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 11:32 AM
MEOW!!!!!
Translation: South Park is BETTER now...
Posted By: Cat (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Meow~
Meow meow.... Meow ?
Meow
Posted By: Timmy the Tabby (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:15 PM
I agree with the opinion of over-glorified stuntmen, with the X-Division.
One question though. NJPW's Jr Div (who TNA looks to be ripping off, a little bit) managed to pull off a style this is partially lucha, but MAINLY technical based.
Wouldn't be nice if we had a solidly worked match, WITHOUT risking these stunts and trying to kill yourself? And who do you think said he wanted all these insane stunts? (Look to the Russo's RF shoot vid and his thoughts on Foley)
Just an opinion. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Posted By: ???RiddlerMAN??? (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:15 PM
Some folks here need to lighten the fuck up. Seriously, between the way some of you criticize the articles (getting worked up over a CAT = sad), critcize the matches to a degree that God himself couldn't give you what you're looking for, re-rate the matches with your own star ratings (like it really fucking matters anyway). Honestly, what the fuck have those in question done lately other than complain? If you're not contributing anything to improve the things you're bitching about, or at least attempting to in some way that is considered constructive - then seriously, keep it to yourselves.
Posted By: Devin (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:22 PM
Randle has jumped the shark.
Posted By: Guest#3375 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 01:42 PM
Randle, I found this unspeakably hilarious for some reason. Seriously, I actually LIKED the cat thing. Then again, I've stuck with Vince n' Co. since 1985 when I was 12, so maybe I don't have very discriminating tastes. Oh well. I laughed. That's the point. Yepper.
Posted By: Mikey (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 03:11 PM
"Not that I care all that much, but I think you've got that backwards. South Park was popular when it was nothing but shock value, and I think the writing got better as it's popularity decreased."
Absolutely. South Park is more interesting and relevant now than it was in the late 90s.
Oh, and I'm not sure what you were really going for with the whole cat thing, but it didn't work. Like, at all.
Posted By: neverAcquiesce (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 04:59 PM
This was better when some guy from "Scoop this" did it like ten years ago. I think it was Eric Ashley, but it might have been Hyatte. Who was also better . . .
Posted By: kenb3 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 05:45 PM
That cat thing was god awful. I couldn't even read the column.
Posted By: Jason (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:32 PM
"South Park is more interesting and relevant now than it was in the late 90s."
Quite the baseless, sweeping statement. Don't present something as fact if it is in fact opinion.
Posted By: FistsMcPain (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:44 PM
Cat pictures make anything good.
Posted By: Donners (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 06:55 PM
gotta love how some these wwe fanboys complain about tna when tna is on a youth movement and wwe still has the same ppl maineventing 10 years ago (HHH,HBK)
Posted By: Guest#3018 (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 08:57 PM
Thank you Mr. Randle for allowing your cat to write this column. We will stop harassing you now.
To those that commented negatively, let it be known that PETA encourages the ethical treatment of animals and if you are an animal abuser, WE WILL FIND YOU and you will pay.
Posted By: PETA (Guest) on October 19, 2009 at 11:45 PM
what a load of kitty litter (pun intended)
Posted By: litter box (Guest) on October 20, 2009 at 07:56 PM
"Quite the baseless, sweeping statement. Don't present something as fact if it is in fact opinion."
Hmm. Last I checked "interesting" and "relevant" are subjective terms so what I said was, in fact, opinion. My opinion. I'll take social commentary over farting fire any day.
Posted By: neverAcquiesce (Guest) on October 21, 2009 at 06:38 PM
All in the Family
Goodbye, Captain Lou
Politics
Cartoons
WWE: Generic PPV…Wait, What?
