The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 10.20.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 10.20.2009

Hippos and Turtles, Shane Don’t Go, The Newest Addition in the Diva Doghouse, The Next Big Smackdown Superstar, Raw Thoughts, Slimmer’s Wall of Text, and the Latest LOL for TNA!!!

Awful!

After the turd I left for you last week, it has come to my realization that I'm burnt out. You see it's been seven consecutive news reports here at the Small-For-All which is at least two news reports too many. You see, if I had my way, every fourth news report or so, I would leave up to a guest host of some sorts. In a perfect world, we'd get someone like AJ Grey to fill in with his/her hard hitting exposes on women in bootylicious bikinis. Or perhaps someone could find Wilcox from whatever man he's hiding under and have him guest host for a week. Or even get someone like so off limits like Matt Hardy to fool the intranetz in order to give me a reprieve. While I don't mind writing weekly installments, I always believe I do my best work after a week off. Throw in the fact that my professional life (you know, my real job, aka the one I make money from) is in shambles and writing doesn't seem like too much fun at the moment. Oh and if you are wondering what's happened with my professional life, allow me to explain in a Small-For-All exclusive!!!

For the last four years, I have yet to give any secrets on my professional life. Hell, I rarely dabble in my personal life unless I can make a funny anecdote about it. But my professional life has been off limits as I would hate to have people from my job read this. Not because I am embarrassed by it (for it is well written and hilarious) but because I'm supposed to be doing my real job when I'm working on this news report! Yup, instead of doing my job as a maintenance man at the zoo, I would rather write about wrestling.

But that was the past. Starting this week, I say "fuck the zoo" and it's stupid carnival it rode in on. This past weekend, my boss came up to me and told me I will be given another responsibility. Due to budget cuts, one of my co-workers was fired and now I am in charge of separating all of the hippos and turtles at the zoo. You know, I'm fine with cleaning up elephant dung. I'm okay with having feces thrown at me in the monkey cage. But separating the true love between hippos and turtles – HELL FUCKING NO I WON'T DO THAT!!! Seriously, have you seen them together – it's like Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love" came to life.



So while I can't quit because I need the money for my baby mama, I can embarrass my employer. And how I shall do it this week is simple. Instead of writing this report like I normally do, I will now write about wrestling news under the guise of a hippo. That's right – I am taking the point of view of an animal! How original right?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Oh wait, you say Randle just did it yesterday and it sucked? Shit.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But yeah, I really do feel burnt out after last week. While I don't know when my next official week off will be, I am anxiously awaiting it. Until then, you are going to be stuck with a phase I have entitled "WWE Creative: April – February". Sorry kids.

Anyway, in this week's Small-For-All, we shall discuss Shane's shocking resignation, unveil which WWE Diva is in the doghouse, take a look at Bound for Glory, and explain why TNA almost ruined their biggest PPV of the year.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Shane come back!

Well honestly, I don't mean that but it's a great final line from a classic Western. Or at least that's what Samuel L Jackson wants me to believe at the end of the Negotiator (a classic in itself).

Shockingly there has been no news explaining why Shane decided to resign from the WWE, other than what was said on WWE's website. Clearly there are only two (or four) people who really know why Shane has left and those are all McMahons. Whatever the reason is, Shane will no longer be employed by the E after January 1st, 2010.

So if I had to guess why Shane is leaving the WWE empire, my money's on "Shane was at the top of the game professionally and had nothing more to accomplish outside of burying another top main event heel." Seriously, the man is Executive VP of Global Media which is pretty high up there on the WWE corporate food chain. The only place higher than that is the job of his mother's which surprisingly went to his father. Perhaps Shane was a bit perturbed that he was not given the keys to the castle. Or perhaps Shane realizes that he really did not want that responsibility and wanted to see what else is out there.

Whatever the case may be, I give Shane all the credit in the world. While his on-screen feuds have not been exciting in a while, he will forever hold a special place in my heart the night he screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series 1998. The Shane/Vince "feud" was one of the major reasons I started watching the WWE again after a two year absence. For that alone (and possibly his matches at Summerslam 1999 and 2000), I give him props.


Classic.

Unlike his sister Stephanie, who is poised to take over the company when her father kicks the bucket, Shane has a lot going for him that makes him an attractive commodity in the business world. He's held positions in the television, marketing, sales and international business departments and should see success wherever he winds up. Except for his mother's Senate campaign. I'm not predicting anything good coming out of that.

Diva Doghouse: Population – Mickie James

Rumor has it that Mickie James was NOT happy with what transpired last Monday on Raw. From dropping her Divas championship to Jillian fucking Hall of all people in a three minute Raw match to being shipped to Smackdown minutes later, let's just say she was not amused. So why did the WWE do this to one of their most marketable female wrestlers? Well let's just say they are not happy with her recent weight gain and the quality of her recent matches.

Oh boy, this isn't an easy topic to touch seeing as I how I don't touch fatties with a ten foot pole! WHAMMY! We all witnessed the WWE's lack of love for weight gain with the Candice Michelle fiasco from last year. 95% of what the WWE wants out of their Divas is their looks (the other 5% is how they dance with Raw's guest hosts). If the WWE cared about wrestling Divas, then they would have hired a bunch of Shimmer girls. But they hire bikini models instead and "suggest" 36C breasts for all their new hires. Do to these reasons alone, you best believe they are unhappy with her weight gain (which you can see in the following pictures).

Before:



After:



Yikes. This really doesn't look to good for Mickie. Throw in the secondary fact that she's had some truly awful matches with Gail Kim and Rosa Mendez over the last couple of months and perhaps it's better for James to disappear for a while on Smackdown.

The Next Big Thing

From the Observer, "Triple H and Shawn Michaels have been behind the strong push of Drew McIntyre on Smackdown. They feel he has the potential to be the next major star and a talent the company can build around in the future. Many see the similarities between McIntyre and a younger Triple H, with the height, body build, hair and the same ability. The strong push for McIntyre has upset talent backstage, as some wrestlers have been around for several years and were promised a push if they performed better. The general feeling backstage on the Raw brand is that if you do not have the support of Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena or Randy Orton then you won't move up."

You had me at the same hair. You had me at the hair. Let's do some math – Triple H hair + a semblance of ability = main event push. Congrats Drew, don't fuck it up!

Good to see that the Bellas and Eve are making the most of their trade to Raw. Bad to hear that Snoop's newest single is just a reworking of "Sexual Eruption." C'mon Snoop, Autotune died over the summertime.

Woah – Cena vs. Triple H and HBK vs. Jericho! This actually might be a good edition of Raw. Shocking.

And now it's time for inside references with DX. First Katie Vick. Then burying the newcomers, especially Eric Escobar (which isn't too shabby). At least they fellate their newest pet project, Drew McIntyre. See my news briefs are legit sometimes.

Holy shit, Kofi can talk! And really fucking well! And without an accent! Honestly, Kofi is going to go far in the WWE.

Oh man, the Raw Job Squad! Sorry MVP about your damn luck.

Here's my problem with Bragging Rights – nothing drastic has been done to escalate the feud between Raw and Smackdown. During the first Raw vs. Smackdown feud in 2005, there was at least a feud between their battles (Eric Bischoff turning off the lights at WWE Homecoming). This time, there's zero issue between the two brands and why should there be? There's nothing at stake. At least whore out Vickie Guerrero to the winners!

I must say that the WWE is doing a good job of building the inevitable breakup of Randy Orton and Legacy. I'm not sure if the WWE can sustain this build until WrestleMania but it would be a welcome surprise if they could.

And they remember the Santino/Snoop Dogg feud. Oh man, Santino is Charlie Da Brown. And Snoop Dogg promotes marijuana on WWE TV. Lovely. Just like the Michael Cole/Hornswoggle picture. It still can't beat this one:

Fresh cut grass. Someone call this man:

Oh wow, great match between HHH and John Cena that only reinforces the fact that Cena will be headed to Smackdown. Sure I really do not have anything to base this on except for Cena putting over another main eventer on his way out. Granted, Cena needed this win more but that's clearly not the WWE's prerogative right now.

Jannetty's back again! What's the over/under on him fucking up another WWE contract – 1 day?

Angle vs. Jannetty, this was not.

Oh how the mighty have fallen – Mickie James is not even booked for the Bragging Rights six man tag. Sure, it's Raw faces vs. Smackdown heels but James is definitely a bigger star than Natalya. Speaking of falls, Melina was close to one before the match.

Oh shit, Snoop just stole Big Show's spear. There will be hell to pay backstage!!!

I have to say that the Cena vs. Orton video package is fucking awesome. As stale of the feud has become, this video is the perfect. Hell, this video should have been played four weeks ago, and it would have still be enough to promote the PPV.

Has this been the first Guest Host edition of Raw where Jericho hasn't interacted with him/her? Crazy.

NASCAR on WWE next week. Well they definitely fit the WWE's demographics.

And how surprising, a big brawl between brands to end the show. Pity, since I wanted to see a HBK/Jericho match.

Overall, tonight was a pretty decent edition of Raw. Considering we very rarely have 20 minute matches that end with a clean finish, HHH/Cena alone makes this week's edition of Raw watchable. Throw in a good storyline "match" between Orton and Dibiase and I'm happy with tonight's edition. Oh and Snoop Dogg was a fine host. I wonder if I will say the same things next week.


SLIMMER'S WALL OF TEXT

Has Slimmer taken to heart my advice this week? Let's find out in the second edition of the Small-For-All Presents: Slimmer's Wall of Text! (My thoughts in italics.)

Don't Think Twice 10.20.09: There's No Business Like **** Business
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 10.20.09

After weeks of exhaustive research, I've finally uncovered WWE Studios' master plan to lay the smackdown on Hollywood.

Everybody comes to Hollywood
They wanna make it in the neighborhood
They like the smell of it in Hollywood
How could it hurt you when it looks so good

Shine your light now
This time it's gotta be good
You get it right now (yeah)
'Cause you're in Hollywoodi>
– Hollywood by Madonna

Several weeks ago, news broke that John Cena would be playing a wrestler in his next movie for WWE Studios. That's right, WWE Studios has decided to make a movie about a wrestler. Sure, this may seem like a logical decision, but something about this story sounded a bit suspicious to me. Why would WWE Studios suddenly decide to make a movie about a wrestler? Why now? And more importantly, what would they do next? Fueled by these burning questions, I began an exhaustive search to find whatever information I could about WWE Studios' master plan. The big break came when I was digging through a dumpster outside TMZ's office and found an internal memo that they had obtained from WWE Studios. After weeks of tireless searching, I had found the smoking gun. As the memo reveals, WWE Studios is using Cena's next film to test the waters for an even more ambitious project – WWE: The Movie. The movie will focus on both the in-ring action and backstage drama that make sports entertainment such a fascinating, dynamic industry. The project already has a director attached to it, and as the memo shows, he is currently making casting suggestions. So what wrestlers will play a major role in the film, and what famous Hollywood actors will portray them? There are certainly a few surprises, but overall I think the cast looks amazing. It'll be quite some time until this movie hits theaters, but at this point I think it's safe to say that I'm cautiously optimistic. Anyway, here's the full content of the memo:

WWE Studios
Internal Memo
September 24, 2009

From: Alan Smithee, Director
To: All Executive Producers, Producers, and Casting Directors
Subject: WWE: The Movie – Casting Suggestions

Hey folks. I've glanced through the early draft of the script, and I like what I see. No, no, check that, I LOVE what I see. It's money, baby. With the right cast in place, this little gem could be HUGE at the box office. I've thrown together a list of names that I think would be natural fits for the project, and I've indicated a few places where we may want to revise the script just a tad.


Zac Efron as John Cena

Some long-time wrestling fans may not appreciate Zac's appeal, but younger fans will love him. Zac as Cena should drive huge tween numbers. However, I am a bit concerned about Zac's physique. Does anyone know if WWE Studios is bound by the Wellness Policy?


Marlon Wayans as Charlie Haas

The current version of the script is unnecessarily dramatic, so I thought we could add Marlon Wayans for comic relief. I envision him playing John Cena's wacky best friend, Charlie Haas. We may even be able to squeeze in a small romantic subplot for him. In addition, while we already expect the movie to do well in middle America, Marlon should help the movie appeal to more "urban" audiences.

There you go Slimmer – insult my African American audience. Nice work. Why don't you just induct John Cena into an African American Hall of Fame!


Dwayne Johnson as Randy Orton

Dwayne is one of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood, and he already has experience in action films. The script frequently mentions that Orton is a third generation Superstar, and in a strange coincidence, I just found out that Dwayne's father and grandfather were also in the industry. This may give Dwayne some knowledge of the industry even before shooting begins.


Terry Kiser as The Undertaker

I love that the script has a dead man in it. You've got to love those crazy wrestling characters. Terry will be perfect here.

Weekend at Bernie jokes? Dude that was like twenty years ago. If you want a good selection at a dead man walking, why don't you pick Jim Zorn?


CGI as Batista

I think CGI is the best way to go with the Batista character. I've run a few focus groups, and none of them have been able to tell the difference between CGI and the real thing. Can we get the team from The Incredible Hulk? If not, what about Shrek?


Val Kilmer as John Morrison

The thought of Val in the Morrison role really lights my fire.

Okay, CGI Batista = funny. Your man crush on Val Kilmer is also outdated. Take it from the dude who is the master of male crushes!


Mark Wahlberg as Dolph Ziggler

This role may not have a huge part in the movie, but I see Mark as a prominent member of the cast.

Yawn, another 90s pop reference. Are you guys still Amish in Illinois?


And Neil Patrick Harris as Himself

I know Neil isn't in the current version of the script, but let's find a way to get him in there. This guy is gold. Has a celebrity ever won a professional wrestling championship? The fans would love that.

P.S. – I also want to start thinking about the soundtrack. Let's go all out here. I'm sure that stars like Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, and Clay Aiken would be more than willing to contribute to this kind of project.

Yes ladies and gentleman – Mr. Scott Slimmer! Honestly, of the three editions of Slimmer's Wall of Text, this was probably my favorite. Then again, it really didn't have much to compete with. That said, I have no idea why Slimmer is stuck in 1997 – I can't wait until he discovers the internet. Or even some porn.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Glory Holed

This past Sunday, TNA delivered on their biggest PPV of the year – Bound For Glory. While I did not see the show, the majority of reviews I read were positive. Many even stated it as the best TNA PPV of the year. Due to this, I believe it's only my duty to share my thoughts on the show.

Looking over the match results, I have to hand it to TNA – I like the majority of the booking decisions.

First off, the Main Event Mafia's year of terror reign is nearing an end. Like the Rights To Censor beforehand, all good things come to an end – especially months after they are played out. Unlike the RTC, TNA at least has plans for all their members. Scott Steiner can still work tag matches with Rhino. Kevin Nash still has his "Which Bitch Will Be My Manager" contest that will play out in a couple months. Kurt Angle looks to be the #1 contender to AJ Styles's belt. And Booker T has bought tickets to the Hulkamania Tour.

Second, color me surprised, but Matt Morgan looks to be over. I have to say the last few times I have seen Morgan live, the crowd did not give two shits about him. However with *get this* perseverance and a steady push, Morgan is now over. You have to love when creative sticks behind someone long enough to actually get over. Too many younger superstars see a push disappear when the first thing goes wrong and never recover. If only creative was into pushing more superstars as it does not always have to be one wrestler at a time.

Third, Sting did not win the TNA Championship. Considering that Sting won the last three years and really did not do anything with the title for two of those reigns, I'm happy to see him taking a loss in the main event. Styles has been on point for a long time and really no one in the company screams TNA like him.

Kudos TNA, I was blown during the course of your PPV. I guess I should add "away" to that last sentence.

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

The woman with whom Tara "fought" was Kim Couture, the female MMA fighter (and ex-wife of Randy Couture) with whom Tara had been in a war of words in recent months.

Yes more worked-shoot storylines. Honestly, I know Tara's getting more to do in TNA than she did in the latter years of her WWE career – but was it really worth it?

Guests at Bound for Glory included: Rob Van Dam, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Chuck Palumbo, Lena Yada, and Shelly Martinez.

Marijuana jokes aside (and I already went there once today), that's not a bad mix of superstars backstage. Of them, I could really only see London and Kendrick getting a shot in TNA. RVD is happy to be retired. Palumbo might get a slight push which will ultimately lead to nowhere (right Jethro Holiday?). And don't even get me started on the ladies. Only London and Kendrick have any potential for success in TNA and really that's only as a tag team (MCMG vs. London and Kendrick – anyone?). Just like there was a ceiling for both in WWE, the same one applies in TNA.

On Friday word leaked that AJ Styles will retain against Sting thanks to a cable commercial that began airing for TNA Turning Point. In the TV spot, a voiceover stated that Styles defeated Sting at Bound for Glory.



My thoughts exactly.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Unlike the last few weeks, I have nothing on the books for next week's Small-For-All. Perhaps I shall take a vacation. Nah… until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!