News From Cook's Corner 10.21.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 10.21.2009

Hot news featuring a beloved announcer, a former ROH Champion ending up somewhere you might not expect, and a 411 Wrestling columnist refusing to BE A MAN!

Heh.

Last week in this very column I called out a certain 411Wrestling news columnist and demanded that he be a man and accept the butt-whipping his fantasy football team was about to receive. Indeed, my Porpoises handed quite the beatdown to the Canadian Threatdown in Week 6 action by the score of 92-45 thanks to Randy Moss going completely insane and the Threatdown being…well, being absolutely horrendous. So one might ask…how did the manager of the 411 Staff League's worst team respond to such a humiliating defeat and being called out by 411's Main Attraction, the King of Tomfoolery, the leader of the Cook Regime and currently undefeated SLAP THE PORPOISE~! fantasy football team?

By having a cat do his column for him.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Stephen Randle, last week Macho Man Randy Savage came out here and told you to be a man. Instead you chose to be a cat. I can only arrive at the conclusion that you are a pussy. It's a shame...another tarnished Canadian hero whining and complaining about being screwed. I say this: Randle screwed Randle.

Since that's been taken care of, I can now end this feud as the rightful victor and Lord of All Wrestling Media and move on to more important things...like wrestling news! And Tara!



It should be noted that I cede any rights to Tara to my colleague Mathew Sforcina, the current writer of the Ask 411 Wrestling column that I made an institution with this website. Not that I don't like Tara, but Sforcina has eight inches of height and a hundred and fifty pounds on me…the dude's massive, yo.

We've got a lot of HOT NEWZ today for the first time that I can remember in a long, long time. Usually all of the good news breaks in time for everybody else to talk about except me, which has been a trend ever since I started wrestling news reporting. But today I'm getting the first crack at some really good stuff, so let's dive right into it!



However, we start with some not-so-good news.

Jim Ross suffered his third Bell's Palsy attack yesterday and will not be calling Smackdown this Friday with longtime broadcast colleague Jerry Lawler. It is unknown at this time when JR will be returning to television, though he is in good spirits and hopes to be back as soon as humanly possible. There has been a lot of speculation surrounding JR's future with WWE, and even I've taken shots at his weekly rants against the Internet, but we all certainly hope that the Boomer Sooner comes out of this A-OK and will be back at his post on Smackdown very soon. I don't know if he's the greatest announcer of all time or not, but he's certainly in the discussion. Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler will announce Smackdown this week in relief of Ross & Todd Grisham, who is off on his honeymoon in Aruba with his new wife.

Should JR need an extended period of time off, I'd go with what one of our commenters suggested and re-form last year's Slammy Award-winning team of Todd Grisham & Matt Striker. They did some good things on ECW and I think they'd fare well on Smackdown too. Hopefully this becomes a moot point and JR is back sooner rather than later.

Shane McMahon is leaving WWE! Yeah, I didn't see that one coming either. There's been no real explanation why quite yet, though there have been plenty of theories. I think that as a man in a similar position in life to Shane…

"Wait a minute Cook, how in the blue hell is your life anything like Shane McMahon's?"

Well, it sure as hell isn't our bank accounts.

*rimshot*

No, seriously folks, I can identify with Shane because like the demon seed of Statan himself (© Jim Ross) I currently work in my father's company. He is a man that is widely respected in his industry and while he hasn't reached the height of a Vincent Kennedy McMahon, he has certainly made an impact in his business over the past thirty years.

It's very difficult to follow in his footsteps, and between you and me…I have no intention of doing such a thing.

Eventually in every man's life there's a time he has to find his own way. He can't stay in his father's footsteps forever. And, quite frankly, there are other things that a son can do that his father never could have done. There are plenty of things I have done that my father never accomplished, and there are plenty of things in the future I can do that he'll never accomplish.

For me, the business I'm in right now is a time-filler before I do what I'm meant to do. I don't know if Shane feels the same way about pro wrestling, but maybe that has a little something to do with it.

You may wonder what business I'm in right now…well, my father happens to own an insanely successful zoo. And let me tell you something, Jeffery Small, you will separate the hippos and the turtles if it's the last thing you do. We can't have damn turtopotamuses running around the zoo, it'd be pure lunacy! And don't you be running to your readers pissing and moaning about your job, or I'll send you back to your old job as a jizzmopper!

OK, now that I've taken care of that, let's return to the news…

While there's been lots of speculation that the Undertaker may be calling it quits very soon, word from the Dead Man's camp is that he'd like to wrestle at least another 2-3 years and then hopefully come back for big matches (WrestleMania type stuff). Of course, this is all assuming Undertaker's body holds up, and none of us really know what kind of shape he's in right now. Hopefully for his sake he's a lot better off than some have said and he can work at a high level for a little while longer. I'd have no objection to Undertaker still being a featured performer when WrestleMania XXX rolls around, as long as he can remain healthy (at least, as healthy as a wrestler nearing 50 can be). As long as he's not just doing it because he needs the money like other old wrestlers…

The jobber lined up to face the Miz before Marty Jannetty stuck his big nose into things was none other than TJ "Puma" Perkins. Perkins is working in FCW but is not under a WWE developmental contract, which explains why he worked that TNA dark match with Colt Cabana several weeks ago. One assumes that since they bothered to bring Perkins in for this role, at least he's on the radar. Or he just happened to be backstage since the show was in Florida. Either way.

In case you're keeping track, CM Punk's dream WrestleMania opponent is Rey Mysterio. That's probably why he attacked Rey on Smackdown last week…he's laying the seeds for WrestleMania! Smart man.

Some were asking me why the relationship between Dolph Ziggler & Maria was ended so quickly. By "some", I mean Manu Bumb, who had an unhealthy obsession with this particular angle…in any event, one can assume that angle was ended due to the face that Ms. Kanellis is in the new Celebrity Apprentice that is filming now. I can only hope she does the show in her old "clueless girl holding a microphone" character, because that would almost make me want to watch Celebrity Apprentice. Almost.

Next week's Raw guest hosts will be Kyle Busch & Joey Logano from the world of NASCAR. I like stock car racing, but honestly I don't pay much attention once football season starts. It doesn't help that the Chase for the Cup is one of the lamest concepts of all time and Jimmie Johnson has about as exciting a personality as the wall I'm staring at while trying to come up with a punchline here. Kyle is a pretty good heel so hopefully he'll do good stuff here.



In what is definitely surprising news from where this reporter sits, Nigel McGuinness has decided against signing with World Wrestling Entertainment and has instead opted to sign with TNA. It had been said that Nigel's departure from the independent circuit for WWE was all but official…but I suppose the emphasis was on "all but".

Apparently what happened was that WWE took too long to send Nigel a contract, so he decided to sign with TNA instead, who were a lot more interested. I can see why Nigel would opt for TNA over WWE. He's in the prime of his wrestling career at 31 years old and he's suffered a pretty good number of injuries during his time in the indy circuit, including at least one concussion I can think of off the top of my head. I don't see McGuinness being one of those guys that wrestles a long time past 40, so he'd want to be with a promotion where he could accomplish the most and make the most money in a lesser amount of time. With WWE he was going to have to at least spend some time in FCW re-learning his craft and adjusting to WWE style, and then more time in ECW working his way up the ranks…with no guarantee that he'd end up in a better position than a Paul Burchill or somebody of that ilk.

While I'm sure that Nigel would have plenty of supporters in WWE, I know that guys like AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Daniels and other ROH alumni established in TNA would have no problem with speaking up for Nigel and doing what they could to further his cause with TNA's creative team. He'd have no problem fitting in with the British Invasion group, or even feuding against them for some reason as he's worked with and against Doug Williams in the past in pretty darn good matches. And from what I've read in the Impact spoilers this week, he'll be starting off with the big fish right away. He wouldn't have been doing anything close to that in WWE. While some of the details in the story may be a bit off (that's internet wrestling reporting for you), it's become fairly obvious that TNA is very high on Nigel and intends on using him in a fairly prominent role at the start.

Allow me to throw out this possibility...maybe Nigel never intended on going to WWE at all. Hmmmm. With the trend of wrestlers throwing false statements out there to work the Internet, we can't really rule this out, can we?

Nigel will also have a new name, as is customary for new TNA arrivals these days. It kind of sounds like a soap opera character…l'll probably get used to it at some point. Heck, I got used to Evan Bourne somehow, and I thought that was the worst thing I'd ever heard the first time I heard it.

It should also be noted that Bryan Danielson has not yet reported to WWE developmental, and there's all sorts of speculation going on about that. I wouldn't read too much into that just yet. Danielson's the kind of guy that marches to the beat of his own drummer…I honestly don't think Nigel's decision-making process and his decision-making process are one and the same. I'm sure there's a kinship between them, but it's not like they're married.

One more thing to note…one can definitely assume that WWE is none too happy about what happened with the McGuinness situation, and they will definitely be looking to fire back at TNA in some fashion. Regardless of where TNA may rank against WWE in the grand scheme of things, WWE management really doesn't like it when somebody pisses them off.

In news that may or may not be related to the previous paragraph, apparently Tomko is in TNA's plans for their next PPV, but is not officially under contract yet. As long as they don't plan on having Tomko go over AJ Styles for the world title, I don't think it should be too big of an issue.

The Turning Point main event has been announced!
































It'll be a rematch of years past, as AJ Styles will defend the TNA title against Samoa Joe & Daniels. While I'm not as high on this grouping as I was back when it first happened, it should still be very exciting. Beats the hell out of…well, anything else they've used as a main event lately. Between this and the Nigel news on the taping, I'm wondering if TNA has also hired Gabe Sapolsky.





























Daffney broke her arm while taking a bump into a barbed wire board at Bound For Glory. The obvious question to most people is "Why in the blue hell would she be taking bumps into barbed wire boards?" The obvious answer is "It's Daffney and that's what she does." Some chicks are just crazy, you know.

Speaking of crazy chicks, TNA is planning some sort of a match between Tara & Kim Couture. That's why they did the thing they did at the PPV where Tara randomly walked off during her match and caused a scene with Couture off camera. Usually the cameras would follow such a thing, but somebody in TNA Creative thought it would create more speculation and interest if the cameras didn't follow it. That somebody in TNA Creative also thought that "Beaver Cleavage" was a good idea back in 1999. For what it's worth, Dave Meltzer is reporting that Tara was actually supposed to win the Knockout title at the show, but due to the disturbance they called an audible and kept the title on ODB. I'm not buying into this one because he's also been the person reporting about how it was a work and isn't generating a buzz in the WWE or the MMA world. Maybe he's been drinking too much of Dana White's Kool-Aid before writing his news columns.

Finally, Booker T will be leaving TNA upon the expiration of his contract, which is in November. It's a mutual agreement, as Booker doesn't want to come back and TNA people are glad to see him go since he's been such an asshole. Booker says he has a WWE deal waiting for him, but as somebody told Prowrestling.net, it'll be interesting to see how he likes WWE's new policy of fining people for marijuana usage.



Just when you thought the story with Ric Flair's old NWA title belt couldn't get more convoluted and messy, we found out on Monday that Flair had previously used the belt as collateral with another company, Conbraco Industries in North Carolina. Other items Flair used as collateral with Conbraco include his replica of the WCW championship belt, his collection of robes, trunks and boots, his WWE Hall of Fame ring, his Rolex he received for his match with Shawn Michaels, autographed posters of Michael Jordan & Vince McMahon, a framed Kevin Greene jersey, framed Flair magazine covers, and Flair's two youngest children.

In somewhat related news, Flair was spotted at a comic convention with Pete Rose. Jeez, if you asked me ten years ago who'd be in worse shape in 2009 between Ric Flair & Pete Rose, I damn sure wouldn't have said Ric Flair. But here we are.

Apparently the Boogeyman was feared to have gone missing by his friends, but they found him. When asked where he had gone, he said that he went to Argentina "trying to find the Appalachian Plain". Heroin is a hell of a drug, let me tell you.

The latest addition to the Hulkamania tour in Austrailia is none other than Charles Wright, who will be taking time off from his job at a Las Vegas strip club (not dancing) and performing under the name of "The Pimpfather". I don't know whether this one will stick, as unfortunately the Hulkamania tour's website has changed names such as "Aumaga", "Kishi", "Val Veinse" & "U-Gene" to the wrestlers' real names. Bummer.

Tonight's edition of South Park will feature a wrestling theme. I may actually remember to watch it for the first time in a few years…possibly.



Gun comes back after "intense training" with a new employee. If I know Gun like I think I do, this intense training involved black and yellow underpants and we probably don't want to know about it. Unless the new employee is a nice young woman fresh out of law school that's open to new experiences.

Ari does two columns on ROH on HDNet. I actually like the show, but apparently I'm pretty easy to please because I also usually like Superstars.

Speaking of which, have some Rs. After thinking about it, perhaps McCool's comment on Superstars was more of a Hidden Highlight than an inside joke. See JP, I can find Hidden Highlights! (He never thought I was any good at it.) To answer one of the commenters, 30 can be considered young in pro wrestling years, but I consider Punk & Morrison young in TV years…they haven't been in featured roles on WWE television for that long and aren't as stale as some older (or even younger) talent.

Ford talks about the upcoming Cibernetico and reviews the history of one of CHIKARA's signature events in exquisite detail.

Weyer shines the spotlight on Captain Lou.

Campbell dissects the Midnight Express scrapbook that I put over last week as being worthy of your money. He agrees.

Eubanks gets hatred because he said something bad about WCW. I hope the people who hate that also hated everybody writing on the Internet in the late 90s and early 00s, because there was a hell of a lot of WCW-hating going on then. Me, I don't hate anybody. I'm all about the looooooooooove.

AHHHHHHHHHH LUUUUUUUUVVVVV YEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW

Sorry.

Memo to Byers & Lansdell:: Nobody believes either of you when you say that you've never seen or smoked pot. We've read far too many of your columns to believe that you both aren't on some illegal shiznit. I'll admit that I've seen the hippie lettuce before, and frankly I've got no issue with it. Y'all keep on keepin' on, know what I'm sayin'?

Well, that's all we have time for today. Join me on Sunday, as I fill in for Randy Harrison's Bell to Bell News Report with a special edition of the Corner. That's right, you're getting a double-shot of News From Cook's Corner next week…I don't know about you guys, but I love things that come in pairs. Until then, WHODEY!