The Wrestling Bard 11.01.09: Mania Odyssey, Part V

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 11.01.2009

Johnny has learned "The Secret", but he's still excited for Hogan vs. Savage. But another wrestling promotion is starting to grab his attention.

NON-FUN WITH COMMENTS!

Don't worry, "Fun With Comments" is still here, just farther down, in the comments I laugh about/enjoy responding to. This section is for my beloved haters and mockers who think they can get to me, because I might as well stroke their egos a bit and see if they are stupid and insane enough to come back expecting something different. First, I'll talk about the comments attacking my faith, which almost should be in the "Fun" section, since I find all of this childish bickering to be highly amusing. I'm not going to address every single comment mocking my faith individually*. Rather, I'll just address them all as one, and talk about a few points.

Point 1) I was not preaching. I don't care how you non-Christians live your lives. You aren't Christians and I don't expect you to live by Christian standards. But I AM a Christian, and you should expect ME to live by God's standards. Honoring God is what I'm about, it means more to me than this column, it means more to me than any pain I might feel from being mocked (and there's very little). I am no hypocrite, saying one thing and doing the other.

Point 2) I am not defensive. As I said, I don't really care about your opinions, since you are nothing more to me than another mocker amongst dozens. I am simply informing you that there ARE people out there who will take a stand for what they believe in, who are living to serve God, and who don't care about the acceptance of our non-believers. I felt compelled to talk because I am not a "sad" virgin. I have a joy that is unspeakable, and if you had any idea how happy I am these days, you'd never call me sad.

Point 3) To those who say you want me and all people like me to die, I hope your wish is granted. Let's see what you have to talk about on this site when Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, Sting, Rey Mysterio, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, The Iron Sheik, Samoa Joe, Ted DiBiase Jr., and The Briscoes all have bullets in their heads. Because in case you didn't know, every single one of those men believe in God and are open about in. I also am curious to wonder what would happen to America when President Obama gets shot in the head for his faith, not to mention the multitude of Christians in our Senate and House of Representatives. Or the numerous hospitals, police forces, fire departments and schools with God-fearing men and women serving you. Or the military. It would amuse me greatly to see how you would all get along when they are all spontaneously killed.

Not to mention the ultimate goal of any true Christian is to die and go to Heaven, preferably while in service to God. Death is not something I fear. I'm ready to die. If I'm right, I spend eternity with God. If you are right, then at least it'll be a heck of a lot less annoying for me. What's the worse that could happen?

"Jesus said… ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.'" (John 11:25 paraphrased)


* With one exception. To "Jimmy B. Godd" who claimed to be a teacher and suggested I "get laid", you should be ashamed of yourself. You're a teacher, and you are condoning and encouraging young people to have sex, using terminology that takes away all of the important things about sex (love, commitment, intimacy) and turns it into an animalistic act. Wow. We really have fallen VERY far. Most of these comments I don't care about, but that you claim to be a teacher and you say this disturbs me. If you are going to do such things, then don't claim this respected profession and bring shame upon it.

I'm sure I'll get further comments on this, but I'm not going to waste my time reading them, nor will I waste space on here to discuss it further on here. Merely, I'll be posting appropriate scripture, which is my answer to all comments before and all comments afterward. If you REALLY want to have this argument, then you can e-mail me at "mapdotdweller.com" and we can have a nice debate.

FUN WITH COMMENTS!

"Fuck this Bible bashing, God preaching, fan-fiction rubbish. Come on, get rid get rid get rid!

Posted By: Guest#3669"

Okay, I lied a little, but this isn't really about faith. I just wanted you all to know that some idiot thinks I bash the Bible! But then, since he obviously can't think of a more intelligent thing to say that "fuck x", why should I expect him to know that the term is Bible "thumping". Not like the term was a central part of one of the most important and best promos ever in wrestling or anything. Figured the believers would get a kick out of that and the non-believers would thank me for educating this moron so that they can use the "rational intelligence" argument against me without me having a blatant contradiction at my disposal.

Fair enough. I am obsessed with this site's news and show reports. But as far as original writing goes, I just get nothing out of the other columns on this site (don't even get me fucking started on Chris "Charlie Reneke" Lansdell) and it bothers me when the one unique talent I see pulls something like this series.

I don't like it, but you're writing it for yourself. Which makes perfect sense. On a smaller website.

P.S. I think we know each other enough by know that you can feel free to "soil my reputation" as much as you can. It won't happen, but you can try.

Posted By: The REAL MP

I don't know if you are reading this or not, but if you are:

1) I will not participate in Chris Lansdell bashing unless it's in a friendly, teasing way. Chris has done more for me on this site than anyone not named Larry or Ashish.

2) Thanks for calling me the "one unique talent" and not tearing me to shreds. You and I have had our issues, but the mutual respect is worth just as much to me as any compliments I get.

3) This website does get a lot of hits. But seeing as how I've never received a paycheck, I affectionately refer to this as "glorified blogging" and treat it as such. You can please some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time. So I just have to please myself. I get enough haters clicking the link to bash me and enough guys who click on the link and enjoy it that Larry hasn't gotten on my case about anything. Yet. If he does, I'll kindly walk away from this. I've got plenty of other stuff to do.

That said, if I get paid to write something with broader appeal, I'll do it. But I'll still write what I want to write. That's part of what makes me "unique". I don't pander, and I don't thrive off controversy.

"Nice Article if Bobby is truly gone 5 should be better. Watching it with someone who hates it really sucks. Nice argument for GOD but not so keen on your words for the Hitman. This is around the time (age of 9) where I was shown the man behind the curtain working the wizard. Once it is exposed it really ruins the sport I hope we dont get skipped columns due to lack of interest. Seven is the last one I watched in the childlike innocence before turning 10 that following August.

Posted By: Radtke

I'm not skipping a column. If you want to look it up, I started this thing exactly twenty-five weeks before Wrestlemania 26. It will end the week after 26.

Glad to know there's another believer out there. Getting one comment like "Nice argument for GOD" makes anything else null to me.

As for Bret Hart, if you love him, doesn't bother me. However, being an excellent mechanic and seller is hardly a bad thing. Since I don't care about how much money is in Vince's pocket (he's not paying me) and only really care about intriguing characters, storylines and quality wrestling, the fact that Bret couldn't draw a horse to water doesn't bug me. I just don't get the "God's Gift to Wrestling" talk. Or I suppose "Darwin's Gift to Wrestling". I've also never read anything good about the man as a person from anyone but Bret. And I'll be honest, I dislike him because I thought his handling of the Montreal Screwjob, both his actions leading up to it and his actions after it, are total b.s. He got what he deserved. I'll probably talk about this in detail some time, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As far as Bobby is concerned, "a hero is only as good as his villain".

"I really liked this.

I think this is probably the second hardest one you'll have to write in terms of the format of WM. (WM2 being the hardest)

The column was well-written and I like how the seeds of doubt have been planted in Johnny's head. I expected a jumbled mess (due to the tournament) and got something that was truly unique and genuine. No complaints.

Along with WM1, your best of the Mania Odyssey.

Posted By: Dylan

Actually, the hardest to write was the first one, because exposition is tough to write in a convincing manner and you also kind of know that it's gonna be boring for your audience, even those who like this "fan fiction, emo, cliché-filled garbage".

The tournament format actually was a blessing for me, because it gave me an easy reason for Johnny to start liking Savage (beating Valentine who beat Steamboat). This is really important for say, two columns down the road.

*THIS* chapter is actually much harder than last weeks, simply because there's FOURTEEN matches and nothing tying them together! Which is actually sad, because Mania 5 was actually pretty enjoyable, especially considering the horrid Manias directly preceding and seceding it.

To Johnny, (the first one) and KSEdwards, Thank you. Thank you for enjoying these, and thank you for giving me stuff I can't write long responses too.


UNFAIR UP-TILT BREAK!


That thing is the bane of my existence. I HATE it.

*****

It is April 2, 1989. George Bush is the new President of the United States. The San Francisco 49ers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 20-16 in a game that people will be talking about for a long time. Rain Man won best picture. "Macho Man" Randy Savage has been the WWE Champion since Wrestlemania IV. While initially very popular and an ally of Hulk Hogan, Savage has snapped and turned against Hogan, claiming that Hogan is trying to steal Elizabeth from him. Tonight, the two will settle their rivalry in the same building where Savage became champion, at Wrestlemania V. And Johnny and Mike Sullivan can't wait to see "The Mega Powers Explode".

After the tumultuous twelve months between Wrestlemania III and IV, the next twelve months have been relatively stable for the two. They are now used to living with their Mom, who got a steady job as a librarian at their school. She and her ex-husband have reached the point where they can be friendly to each other, though they are certain that their romance is over. But they see their father every week to watch wrestling, and also come over whenever Saturday Night's main event is showing. A few months ago, they saw the Royal Rumble on PPV, where Big John Studd surprised them all by winning.

Johnny's interest in wrestling as reached a little bit broader than the World Wrestling Federation. Through reading Pro Wrestling Illustrated, he had become aware of World Championship Wrestling, and its world champion, Ric Flair. Though he was impressed with the extravagant robes and pretty women (something that Johnny was starting to "really" get interested in now that he was ten), he could never be bothered to watch the show. That is, until he heard through the grapevine that his favorite wrestler, Ricky Steamboat, had come out of retirement and beaten Flair to become WCW Champion! With that news, Johnny had became increasingly more interested in WCW, and part of him was lamenting not seeing Clash of the Champions tonight, because Flair and Steamboat would be wrestling a 2-Out-Of-3 Falls match for the WCW Title. But Wrestlemania had become a tradition, so Johnny had settled for taping the show at home.

One thing that had made watching wrestling a little more fun for the brothers was that their dad had finally told them the secret a little over a year ago. "I had a buddy of mine when I was growing up who was really into wrestling. He wrestled in high school and did pretty well. He kept going to the shows asking if someone would train. Finally, someone did, and they tortured him. They made him run, do crazy exercises, and stretched him out so that he cried. But he got through the training though. That was when they told him the secret; wrestling isn't a ‘real fight'. He quit and told me the secret, and now I'm telling it to you. Wrestling is like a soap opera for men; there are people that play good guys and people that play bad guys. The good guys always win in the end, because they are telling stories and stories have to have happy endings. Personally, I love it; I think it's cool. But if that ruins it for you, I understand."

It hadn't ruined it for the boys; at least the argument was over and the mystery solved. Johnny had read the term "sports entertainment" in a few magazines, and now it all made sense. But it didn't matter; they loved wrestling and were sticking with it. But the fun thing was that Mike had started taking a liking to the bad guys. "They aren't really bad, after all. And Demolition have cool facepaint and beat people up. And Bobby Heenan is just really funny." So it was no surprise that Mike cheered Haku and Johnny cheered Hercules in the first match. This wasn't the antagonistic arguing that Bobby had brought to the shows; the two brothers simply liked rooting against each other. It was FUN.

They still agreed on some things. The Rockers, a new team that came out to rock and roll music and did all their moves at the same time on one guy, were awesome, and their new favorite tag team now that the Bulldogs had left. They booed when Big Boss Man and Akeem won the match. They also booed when Ted DiBiase and Brutus Beefcake battled to a double count-out. Now that they new it was scripted, the brothers felt that kind of finish was a rip-off. "I'd rather see Beefcake win than have no winner at all," said Mike, who was a huge DiBiase fan at this point and had even made his own replica of the Million Dollar Belt out of cardboard. They also thought the Bushwhackers (who beat the Rougeaus that night) were stupid. When they joined in the wild arm-swinging, it was a mockery and not a sign of support.

But more often than not, Johnny rooted for the good guys and Mike rooted for the villains. Mr. Perfect was a new villain that they had huge disagreements on; Johnny thought he was cocky, but Mike said he backed it all up. And Mr. Perfect backed it up on this night, defeated the Blue Blazer in short order. But Blazer was the one who stole Johnny's attention. "Did you see him fly all over the place? He's like Ricky Steamboat or the Rockers. I hope we see more of him."

One of the most bizarre situations was the one with Demolition, who had started out as villains but had become good guys by this point once Mr. Fuji had left for them. Johnny had often mocked Mike, saying, "Aren't you gonna say how lame they are now that they are good guys?" "NO! They are still cool! Everybody else just figured it out after I did!" Instead, they just watched with glee as they hit their finisher on Fuji and beating him and the Powers of Pain.

A pleasant surprise came in the form of Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, a popular wrestler that the boys had been fond of early in the years. They joined their father in talking about whether or not he would return to the ring as a wrestler, and ignored the match between Dino Bravo and Ronnie Garvin. They probably wouldn't have paid much attention anyway, but at least they had an excuse.

What brought their attention back was Strike Force making their way to the ring for their match with the Brainbusters. Tito Santana had been in the first match Johnny had ever really watched and had been one of his favorites ever since. Martel was his partner and was liked by association, but Johnny often complained about him being the weaker member of the team. The Brain Busters were part of Heenan's stable and thus were favored by Mike (an honor extended to all but Andre the Giant, who he still hadn't forgiven after he betrayed Hogan.) The match went on like normal, until suddenly, Martel refused a tag and started to walk to the back. "What the heck is he doing?!" said Mike. "He can't do that to Tito!" But Martel DID walk out, and the Brainbusters beat Tito in short order with a double piledriver. Martel was interviewed just after the match and said that he was sick of carrying Tito. "What? Give me a break, he carried you!" And in five minutes, Rick Martel had become Johnny's least favorite wrestler.

One of the things they were looking most forward to was the guest appearance of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and his Piper's Pit. Initially, they were annoyed when Brother Love came out in a kilt instead, but Piper's eventual appearance made it worth it. But when he blasting Morton Downey Jr. with a fire extinguisher after he blew smoke in his face, the brothers exchanged significant looks. Mike was still smoking, now more out of habit than anything. He kept it secret from his parents but not Johnny; Johnny wasn't the sort to judge.

The two were united again during the battle between Jake Roberts and Andre the Giant. Jake was menacing and edgy enough that Mike hadn't lost his liking of him during his sudden "I like the cool bad guys" change. Andre was an imposing figure, but Jake was one of the few able to stand up to him due to Andre's fear of Damien. Unfortunately, DiBiase came out and prevented Jake from fetching the python, but Jake won by disqualification after Andre attacked guest referee Big John Studd.

The next match saw the two back on opposing sides. Mike found the Honky Tonk Man to be amusing and thus sided with him and his partner Greg Valentine. Aside from Johnny's five year grudge against "The Hammer", he had another reason for cheering the opposition. The Hart Foundation had now become full fledged babyfaces, and without the arrogant attitude, Johnny was able to see that Bret Hart was a very talented wrestler, and was fast becoming one of Johnny's new favorites in the WWF. Another new favorite was the current Intercontinental Champion, The Ultimate Warrior.

Warrior had been a newcomer at last year's Mania, and due to the hectic changes at the time, Johnny hadn't really cared much. But as he got to watch him more, he fell in love with the fast paced theme music, colorful face paint, and amazing intensity. When he ended the extremely long reign of the Honky Tonk Man in August, he instantly became more important to Johnny. Naturally, Mike liked his opponent, Rick Rude, who claimed to be "The Sexiest Man Alive". Johnny was fairly grossed out by his gyrating, and Mike would often do it just to mess with him. When Bobby the Brain tripped up Warrior from the outside and allowed Rude to win the title, Mike's gloating was reminiscent of his best friend. Johnny got a little vindication when Warrior press-slammed Heenan after the match.

By this point, the night was starting to drag. Neither the brothers nor their father cared much about Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bad News Brown, and Red Rooster beating Bobby Heenan wasn't nearly as fulfilling as Warrior's press slam. As far as they were concerned, the main event couldn't get there soon enough.

Out of all the matches, this was the match Johnny was most torn on. In the last year, he had grown to like Savage and thought he was a worthy champion. He also did feel that Hogan had gotten a little too friendly with Elizabeth. But Savage attacking Hogan and berating Elizabeth seemed a bit over the top, and Hogan was still Hogan, the closest thing to a real life Superman that Johnny knew. Eventually, he had to go with Hogan, especially when Savage started gouging the eyes and hiding beyond Elizabeth. He even started outright despising him after he rammed Hogan into the steel post and threatened to hit Liz. He was fully behind Hogan as Savage dropped a double axe handle that crushed the Hulkster's throat across the guardrail and continue to go after it. But it seemed he was rooting for the wrong guy when Savage dropped the big elbow. But miraculously, Hogan kicked out of the move and fought his way back into the match, hitting the big boot and legdrop and pinning Savage, winning his second world title.

As Johnny watched Hogan celebrate, he was happy for him, but not as jubilant as he had been when he beat Andre the Giant. Back then, it seemed like Hogan was overcoming impossible odds, partly because he was facing Andre and partly because Johnny believed that wrestling was real. Now that he knew it was scripted, Hogan beating the much smaller Savage didn't really seem like that big of an accomplishment. Johnny privately wondered if this was a sign that his passion for the sport was waning.

*****

It is April 3, 1989, and it is morning. Johnny is watching Ricky Steamboat and Ric Flair's match that he missed last night. The match last almost an hour but keeps his attention the whole time. He is in awe of both men's performances, and finally understands why his brother likes the bad guys so much. Flair was the COOLEST villain Johnny had ever seen in wrestling. But still, he was happy to see Steamboat win the match. The length of the match, the radically different style, and Steamboat's victory had instantly legitimized the title as almost as equal to Hogan's title in Johnny's eyes. His passion for wrestling wasn't leaving, but it WAS heading in a new direction.

*****

No special Wrestlemania tie-in this time. This is just a tribute match to the late Misawa and I know some people will very much want to see it. Happy Halloween everyone!