The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report 11.03.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 11.03.2009

Come Celebrate My Fourth Year Anniversary with Shad's Poker Face, Possible Survivor Series Matches, Candice Michelle is Preggers, Changes to the WWE PPV Schedule, Raw Thoughts, Slimmer's Wall of Text, and Turmoil in TNA!!!

Originally, I was planning a retrospective to celebrate my four-year anniversary with 411Mania, complete with interviews from past and present 411 writers, a kayfabe story of myself coming of age, and most importantly, streamers. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone who wanted to be interviewed and the Halloween store was out of streamers. Hell, the Halloween store already closed up shop for the season. Alas, you are now stuck with just my kayfabe coming of age story.


Featuring Yurple the Clown!

Jeff Small was born on December 4th weighing in at 10 pounds 8 ounces. He was the last of his mother's four children and the only one who didn't give her any pain. That's how his mother knew he would be a special child.

Jeff was a very shy child growing up. He was into sports. And a funny story is at age 4 he taught himself had to ride a bike – a two wheeler at that. Isn't that special?

Jeff use to be in the kitchen beating on the table and rapping until the wee hours of the morning. Then his mother bought him a boom box. And his sisters and brothers said that he would drive them nuts
But that was his mother's way to keep him close to her and out of trouble.

If you can't respect that your whole perspective is wack.
Maybe you'll love him when he fades to black.



Yeah, it's just going to be one of those news reports.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

YATTA!!!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that hates the fact that it's nighttime around 5pm. Really, is Daylight Savings Time all that it's cracked up to be? Granted I loved having an extra hour of sleep after being scared shitless at Nightmare New England and spending the rest of the weekend drunk, but must the night start so early. I don't see people who go to work at 5/6am ever complaining about driving in the dark. Hell, the morning rays might hurt their eyes. Someone really should do a study on this.

With that beef out in the open, I can now turn my attention to all the sizzle going on in the world of professional wrestling. From possible Survivor Series matches, to a thug with a really bad cold, to plenty of turmoil in TNA (and Hogan hasn't even started!), there's actually plenty to talk about this week. Unlike what Randle has to say. Because he's Canadian and he's been unmotivated with his work for the past couple of months. Hate to say it, but someone needs to.

Fear not kids for unlike Randle, I have all intentions to hanging up my boots in a year. With a final date on the books, I can make sure to go out in style. Because if this were my final news report, I think my legacy would be tarnished worse than Mickie James's singing career (too soon?).


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Can't Read His Poker Face

Clearly, the big WWE story of the week is in regards to Shad Gaspard's cold. Two weeks ago during the monumental Smackdown tag match that changed the face of Bragging Rights, Shad pulled himself out of the match claiming flu-like symptoms. Due to this last minute change, the entire WWE Universe was in state of panic as they had to re-write the match. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed as the WWE changed the match to four on five and had JTG do the job instead of Shad. I hate to think what would happen if anyone else fell sick before the match.

A day after those spoilers were released, there were a few news blurbs regarding "minor heat" on Shad for "faking an illness." Now, Shad don't play no fool and wanted to clear his pristine name from these intranet rumourz from sites like Lords of I Don't Know What's Going On. So Shad went on his TWITTER account stated that his dad had more experience than Mr. McMahon and called a few people "fags." Oh wait that was Larry Johnson. Sorry. Rather, Shad had this quick twit: "Officially recovered from the Swine Flu!"

W3oh!3, Swine Flu for Shad. I would hope that the WWE quarantined Shad so no one including his partner would get sick. Alas, we just recently found out that Shad was juss playin' as he tweeted this: ""Thanks all for the support! I was just sick no swine flu...Cryme Tyme has the dopest fans!""Ok people...how we doin out there? But seriously I was just feeling a lil sick...any one have good pig flu jokes? I will post the best ones"

You know honestly, how can I trust Shad anymore? For three days, I truly believed that Shad was deathly ill with H1N1. When in actuality he was just feeling a lil sick. That's bullshit Shad! BULLSHIT! If you were just a little sick, why don't you just twit that? Why must you drag your true fans through the pain of swine flu? Why must you do that to us Shad? So we don't think you are a pussy for not being able to wrestle in a meaningless match on Smackdown? You'd think we'd care that much? Really?



Possible Survivor Series Matches

In case you like to be spoiled, here are some of the matches that the WWE are "working on" for November's Triple Threat PPV. Sorry, I mean Survivor Series. Sometimes you just can't tell anymore. From Figure 4 Wrestling, "The working idea this past week was to have a Team Kofi vs. Team Orton match under traditional Survivor Series rules at the Survivor Series pay-per-view later this month. The teams would be Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry and a partner vs. Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes and a partner. A rumor going around was that the SmackDown creative team had been planning a Team Batista vs. Team Mysterio match also."

Now I'm writing this just after the Kobe Johnson vs. Randy Orton match was made for Raw. Considering that the WWE is blowing their load with this matchup too early (or did they?), it makes sense that they shall try to salvage it with a traditional Survivor Series match. As for the team, I can easily see Sheamus as the fourth member of Orton's team (even though he's not a third generation superstar) while Shelton Benjamin would totally make a good fourth member of Team Boyz in da Hood. As for Team Batista vs. Team Mysterio, it's another logical match as it allows Mysterio vs. Batista to be blown off later and also allows Batista to get some heel heat if he picks the right partners. Speaking of partners, here's who needs to be on Batista's team in order for him to draw heel heat: Hitler, Jon (from Jon and Kate Plus 8), and Kanye West. Because seriously, Batista ain't drawing heat for beating down Rey Mysterio.

Actually, I fully expect that match to be: Rey, Morrison, Matt Hardy & R-Truth vs. Batista, Ziggler, Drew McIntrye and CM Punk.

2010 PPV Changes

Because we all care about stupid shit like this. From WWE magazine, here's the tentative PPV schedule for 2010:

Backlash: April 25, Baltimore
Extreme Rules: May 23
Summerslam: August 15
Night of Champions: September 19, Rosemont, IL
Hell in a Cell: October 3
Bragging Rights: October 24
Survivor Series: November 21

I write "tentative" above as there's no way the WWE is going to go three months between PPVs leading up to Summerslam. Granted, I think the company isn't sure which gimmick PPVs they would like to use for those summer months. In addition, I'm really hoping that the date of Hell in the Cell is incorrect as that's only two weeks after Night of Champions. Of course, any move to HITC would impact Bragging Rights or Survivor Series, but hey this is all tentative.

In a perfect Small world, this is what I would like to see: 1 PPV a month with at least three weeks between each. I'd also like to see one that is comprised of nothing but Great Khali matches. With the way things are going with gimmick PPVs, I wonder if a new one for 2010 will be called "Wrestling" because standard matches seem to be going out of style. I also do not like Bragging Rights and Survivor Series being so close to each other due to the multi-man tag matches that both have. Move Bragging Rights to the summer, I say. Oh and bring back King of the Ring, dammit.


King Macho approves!

The Undertaker Buries Them Alive!

News broke over the weekend that the WWE is planning a Direct-to-DVD film on the Undertaker. Set in 1880, it will be a western that plans to unearth secrets regarding the Undertaker's origin.

Couldn't they have just done a horror movie where Taker is locked in a prison with a bunch of stupid kids? Or could they not just do this at all? Does anyone think this is a good idea? Really?

(Dammit, why did I have to blow my load on that gif during the Shad news piece!)

Woah, this crowd is pumped to see Ozzy! And they immediately go straight into a WrestleMania 2 and a Smackdown clip. I guess the WWE hired back their continuity editor.

You know if I didn't blow my load with the "Really" gif before, I totally would have needed it for this opening segment. That's the only thing that's coming out of Sharon's mouth.

Evan Braun? Kobe Kingston? Does any guest host watch wrestling anymore? Though Sharon asking the fans to suck it and Ozzy doing the DX pose was pretty cool.

Good match between Evan and the Miz. Hell, it's probably the best that Evan has looked since joining Raw. Plus, it's a nice clean win for the Miz, who really needs those at this stage in his championship reign.

Okay, so Sheamus uses an awesome rock bottom backbreaker as a segue into a silly pump kick. Even A-Train knew that the Meshugganator was a better move than his pump kick.

Oh great, the ref stopped this match. Because it worked so well for Brock Lesnar. Oh wait. Okay, the powerbomb on the floor was ill sick. Now that's a quality squash match.

I can't believe the WWE had Kofi keep his Jamaican gimmick for so long. This dude is money on the mic.

Oh shizzle, it's Mark Henry and MVP! The two men that knocked off Legacy last week. I can't believe it!

I'm still in shock that in 2009, Mark Henry can be a credible face. Kudos to him for actually improving thirteen years after his debut. Or kudos to the fans for forgetting all the shit he's been through in the years leading up to 2009.

OMG is that Khali on Raw! As a special judge in Raw's Got Talent! I think I need a new change of pants. Correction: I definitely need a new pair of pants. Whammy indeed.

Marty Jannetty has returned again? OMG – Chris Masters is in a segment where's not useless. May there be a future for Masters after all?

Chavo must love being a comedy character now. Seriously. It gets him on TV weekly and he doesn't have to wrestle at all. I wish I could have his gig.

The Raw's Got Talent was quite lacking altogether. It was nowhere near as good as the Price is Right sketch from a few months ago.

No Diva entrances? What kind of world do we live in?

Oh noes – Jack Swagger! Oh noes part 2 – Alicia Fox is #1 contender for the Divas Championship again! Is there no one better on Raw?

Man, this second hour of Raw has been brutal. Thank God, Jericho is here to save us.

Thank God, they paid off the beat each other joke. TV-PG my ass.

I love Triple H's shoot comments. His latest one is in regards to someone yelling in the announcer's ears.

Nothing too impressive in the Triple Threat Main Event. I appreciate that Cena jobbed clean so the tag champs have at least some momentum heading into their main event match. Unfortunately, since there was nothing great about this triple threat match, I can't say the Undertaker/Show/Jericho match will be any better.


SLIMMER'S WALL OF TEXT

Where we last left off: Slimmer was trying to convince everyone that he had a sense of humor with a look at WWE: The Movie. In typical Slimmer fashion, he shall continue to beat a dead horse this week with its sequel. Does it pale in comparison to the original like all sequels not named Gremlins 2: The New Batch? Or does it live up to the Slimmer name? Let's find out.

Oh and to help Slimmer out this time, I think we should spice things up with a game of Mad Libs.

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Don't Think Twice 11.03.09: The [noun] Thickens
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 11.03.09

WWE Studios' masterpiece continues to take shape…

Two weeks ago I broke the news that WWE Studios has begun the initial phases of its most ambitious [noun] to date – WWE: The Movie. This [adjective] drama will tell the tale of both the in-ring action and backstage politics that make WWE such a fascinating part of [noun]. I was able to locate a document that revealed certain key details of the first draft of the script, but I knew that there had to be much more to this story. And so, in my never ending quest to be the [adj] investigative journalist in the history of the IWC, I did something of which I am not proud [of]. I slept with a staffer from [job]. But hey, at least it was that dreamy surfer guy, so it really wasn't that bad. And it was totally worth it, because he let me sneak a peak at another internal memo from WWE Studios. It appears that there have been a number of significant additions to the cast, and I think we're really starting to get a feel for the [word] of the film. Anyway, here's the full content of the [noun]:

Small's Note: Okay, that got boring kind of quick. But you have got to love Slimmer's use of homosexual to bring da laughs. Oh Slimmer, you ain't got shit on me.

Small's Note #2: For this round of things, I shall add the word "motherfucker" to different "motherfucking" parts of his writing. Got that motherfucker?

WWE Studios
Internal Memo
September 24, 2009

From: Alan Smithee, Director
To: All Executive Producers, Producers, and Casting Directors
Subject: WWE: The Movie – Casting Suggestions

Hey gang, glad to hear that everyone loved my motherfucking initial round of casting suggestions. You're all fabulous motherfucking people. I just flipped through the second draft of the motherfucking script, and I am in LOVE, motherfucker, with some of these new characters. I have some great casting ideas for each of the new roles. If we can sign everyone that I've suggested below, then this really could be the motherfucking movie event of the year. No, the MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE movie event of the decade. No, the movie event of the CENTURY!


Ken Jenkins as Mr. McMahon

So we've got a character that seems rude, overbearing, devious, maniacal, sadistic, power hungry, and borderline psychotic, but every now and then you get a sense that he may really have a motherfucking heart of motherfucking gold. Of course, you're always wrong, because this man is pure evil, motherfucker, down to the bone. Ken is just what the doctor ordered here. ( Dr. Ken from the Hangover? )

Small's Note #3: I'm bored already.


Meryl Streep as Linda McMahon

Linda McMahon is a deeply troubled and fiercely secretive woman who harbors a dark secret. As we learn in flashbacks throughout the film, years ago she was forced to make a terrible choice. For the good of the business, she had to let either her beloved son, Shane, or her precious daughter, Stephanie, marry a professional wrestler. (Spoiler: She told him to take the girl.) Meryl is the only woman who could play this role, and she's almost a lock for the Oscar.


Mickey Rourke as CM Punk

Mickey was brilliant as Randy "The Ram" Robinson in The Wrestler, but many feel that he failed to win the Oscar because he was essentially just playing himself. But if Mickey can convincingly play the role of the first straight edge World Heavyweight Champion, then we'll have a second Oscar on our hands.


Larry Hagman as John "Bradshaw" Layfield

John "Bradshaw" Layfield is a former wrestler and current tycoon whose dirty business dealings drive much of the action in the film. He builds up quite an impressive list of enemies, and so everyone is a suspect when he meets with an untimely demise. We'll be able to sell a ton of "Who Shot JBL?" merchandise. (Spoiler: It was actually baby Aurora Rose who pulled the trigger.)

How fucking old are you Slimmer?


Robert Pattinson as Matt Hardy

Those dark, brooding eyes. That dangerous, enigmatic mystique. And those legions of insanely loyal yet eternally lonely emo chicks. It's like Robert was destined to be a Hardy. With Robert as Matt Hardy and Zac Efron as John Cena, this project could break every record on the books.


Eddie Murphy as Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry

Eddie is a super talented guy, so I'm sure he'll have no problem portraying several different characters in the film. I mean, hey, people love those movies where Eddie plays a bunch of wacky characters, and this project is FULL of wacky characters.

Finally Slimmer funny. See it's not so hard.


Lady Gaga as Santina Marella

I can't quite put my finger on it, but Lady Gaga just seems to have that some intangible quality, that special little something that would make her perfect in the Santina role.

Two for 17 Slimmer. But you are on a roll.



Donnie Wahlberg as Det. Eric Matthews

So it turns out we get Donnie for free since we've already signed Mark for the Ziggler role. I think we can retcon in a series of flashbacks and find out what really happened to Eric Matthews during the six months that he was held prisoner by John Kramer and Amanda Young. I'm envisioning some sort of incredibly elaborate Jigsaw trap in which Matthews has to fight for his life against his opponent while trapped inside a sinister cage that's surrounded by a pack of ravenous, blood thirsty dogs. And let's put another big cage around the whole thing just to make it look that much more imposing.

My God, Slimmer, a Saw reference. At least you have progressed twenty years. And a Kennel from Hell reference too. Slimmer, you are really trying to get on my good side.

Small, here, - Well kids Slimmer ended at least on a high note. I wouldn't want you to read the rest of this drivel as he makes a few more Twilight references before *gasp* saying that this "masterpiece" will continue in two weeks. My God, I'm going to have to start assigning him topics to write about. That's it – that's a genius idea. Take that Slimmer!


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

By the way, am I a mind reader or what? Last week, I included two Hulk Hogan videos in my Small-For-All. And then a few days later, he signed with TNA. Maybe next week I'll hype a Taco music video because we need more soul/swing musicians on the radio. Puttin' on the ritz, indeed.

And Hogan Hasn't Even Started Yet

Already there's turmoil in TNA – from prowrestling.net, "Frankie Kazarian asked to be released from his TNA contract at the most recent TNA iMPACT! tapings because he's been frustrated with the creative direction of his character, Suicide. TNA management was ready to grant the release until A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels stepped in and smoothed things out between both sides.

There are new details regarding the backstage tension between TNA champion A.J. Styles and head writer Vince Russo. Russo recently confronted Styles after Styles told TNA president Dixie Carter that there should be a wrestler on the creative team. Russo started yelling at Styles, who responded by saying Russo has booked him as a weak champion in recent weeks."

Honestly, if Kazarian wants to leave, let him leave. The guy clearly has an ego seeing as he already has burnt bridges in the WWE and really is trying to do the same in TNA. Unhappy with his character? Give me a break. Suicide is featured weekly on Impact and recently had a nice reign as X-Division champion. He's not going to be world champion anytime soon. In addition, anyone could play the Suicide character which makes him very expendable to the company. Keep talking Kaz and your ass will be cruising on the Hulkster's love boat.

As for AJ Styles, I feel bad for him because at his size, the common perception is to book him losing a lot on television only for him to overcome all odds on each PPV. This way, his weekly losses adds intrigue to his oncoming PPV match. The downside to that booking is that he looks bad more often than he looks good – hence the weak stigma gets thrown out. It's happened with Rey Mysterio and CM Punk over the last few years. Unfortunately, Styles wouldn't be able to get a dominat championship run at the World Title level – if he were going for the X-Division championship against guys his size, he could easily have a Christian-esque reign. And if he turned heel, he'd be nothing better than a chickenshit heel with probably Vince Russo as his cheating manager. Sadly, there's not too much variety when booking main eventers.

Lastly, as for Styles wish that there will be a wrestler on the creative team, I think he will be very happy to hear that the one Immortal Hulk Hogan will take him up on this offer. Be careful what you wish for Styles.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Hulk Hogan won't be debuting until after football season ends. TNA wants a huge TV rating for his debut.

Considering TNA must be unhappy that Hogan's video segment was the lowest drawing segment of Impact, they really have to be careful not to burn out their audience on the Hulkster before his debut.

Sting also won't be appearing on TV until 2010.

And why didn't he retire?

Beginning with Turning Point, TNA will raise all of their PPVs by $5.

Since it worked so well for the WWE. Right JP?

ODB has signed a multi-year deal.

Good for ODB. If she were to leave, she'd be jobbing to the Bella Twins on Raw.

Candice Michelle is preggers.

Sure she's not a part of TNA but she does have a nice set of TNA. And I had nowhere else to stick this. Unlike her husband! WHAMMY!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Well at least I ended on a high note. It's been a fun four years kids! Until next week…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!