The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report 11.10.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 11.10.2009

Falling Numbers, WrestleMania 26 Success or Failure, Can I Get A?, Vacation Plea(se), An Overrated Five Dollar Footlong, Survivor Series Update, Raw Thoughts, and What Former WWE Developmental Diva is Doing a Porno!

Falling Numbers

Love today's date.

Who's Going to WrestleMania

Loyal Smallophiles are aware of my current WrestleMania streak. Starting with WM23 in Detroit, I have not missed attending a WrestleMania in years. This past Saturday, it was my duty to purchase WrestleMania 26 tickets for myself, five of my closest friends, and JP. Even though I am no Ticketmaster homer, I have always prided my abilities in getting good tickets – a combination of luck, randomly typing letters until my "password" is accepted, and most of all, spending way more money than most wrestling fans. So with tickets going on sale at Noon Eastern Time, it was up to me to not let my friends down. But it almost happened.


This is Jerome Bettis. He is from Detroit.

The signs were definitely not in my favor. On Friday, I found out that I was the victim of "possible identity theft" which led to my credit card being closed and a replacement days away. Without my trusty plastic, I would be unable to purchase $1,000 worth of paper and service fees. I called my trusty friend John (who came to WrestleMania 24) and thankfully, he leant me his information. After ordering $30 worth of Chinese food on his card (just to see if it really worked), I was ready to go on Saturday.

Things turned out better for me when my new piece of plastic arrived early Saturday morning. Somebody likes me or Vince McMahon somewhere.

Of course, I would be remiss in mentioning how Ticketmaster put a 4 ticket limit on WrestleMania tickets on Saturday for the first two on-sale hours. Since I needed seven, I had to wait until 2pm. And at 2pm, did the magical 4 ticket limit go away? Oh fuck no. I tried calling the 800 number and got the same response. Around 2:30pm, I got smart. Hey Jeff, since you own two computers and are in possession of two credit cards, why don't you make two transactions? God, how I wish I could fuck myself sometimes… in the good way, of course. After about six attempts at trying to line up two sets of tickets in the same section, I purchased two sets of tickets all together. Now my friends are happy.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

And I am going to WrestleMania!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that attempts to answer which Jay Z song inspired Miley Cyrus to move her hips like yeah (answer in the teaser). Oh yes kids, we are partying in the USA tonight. And for those who believe that I have mailed in the last few news reports? Oh well. Not every week is going to be a winner. And guess what? This one won't be either.

But fear not, I have heard the complaints and realize that the solution to my recent strain of writer's block is attributed to not having a week off in ten weeks! That's almost three months. God, if I were a betting man, I would have bet my snuggie on the under every time. Ten fucking weeks, wow. So starting next week, I will be making a plea to my 411 brethren to relieve me of my duties for one week. I am not sure if anyone will take me up on the offer for next week, but I shall try. And if no one does, the offer will stand for the following week. Basically, I am on a mission for a vacation – not for me, but for you, my loyal readers. If a week off will bring back the heyday of the Small-For-All, then I am all for it. If not, next week, I will teach you all the techniques of using the Perfect Brownie pan.

Seriously, 411 staffers, help a brother out. I was an extra in "Thriller." [pause] Thriller.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I bet you can't see me. (Yawn. God I'm turning into Slimmer. )


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Meet Me Halfway?

THE big news brewing this week in the WWE regards price increases for WWE PPVs. Even though the WWE reduced the number of PPVs by one (goodbye Judgment Day) in the year 2010, the cost of each PPV (except for WrestleMania) will increase by five dollars to $44.95. Of course, this has thrown the IWC in a tizzy. But why, I must ask?

First off, is five dollars that drastic of a price increase? Sure, it's one less Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich for the month, but really, you don't even get chips or a drink with that. It's a pretty shitty deal, if you ask me. I'd rather spend the five dollars on something way more filling like this:



Seriously, for five bucks, I can get Grade-A Mexican enchiladas, refried beans, rice, and a fucking brownie! Now that's more bang for your buck – not some whimpy sandwich or two tiny pieces of grilled chicken. And considering most supermarkets have 2 for 1 Hungry Man coupons every few weeks, there's the extra five dollar savings necessary for say WWE Extreme Rules. See, eat in a little more, and have more money to spend on WWE PPVs! Simple, I tell ya.

Second, the WWE only raised the price of their PPVs because, YOU, the fans, wanted them to! Almost after every PPV, there's the usual comment: "This PPV was not worth the money." And they were right – WWE Hell in the Cell was not worth $39.95. Rather, it was really worth $44.95! See, your comments have been heard, WWE fans! Perhaps the next time you will just shut up and appreciate the cost of the PPV.

Lastly, it only makes sense that PPV prices increase after the end of the John Cena vs. Randy Orton feud. According to my WWE sources, Vince McMahon wanted to raise PPV prices earlier this year but most talked him out of it. Well since the Orton/Cena feud has been running for three years, most writers thought that the $39.95 was a nice discount price for a long-running feud. And I agree. You can't pay full price for something old and busted – hence the generous $40 price tag.

As for how one less PPV can be offset by a $5 increase, I'll leave that for JP. He really hasn't had anything of importance to write about in a few months. And in case you are impatient, the answer is 274 more buys. That's all.

We're Halfway There

Last week, I speculated that the WWE was planning a Team Orton vs. Team Kofi match along with a Team Rey vs. Team Batista for Survivor Series. Well, I was only 50% correct. On Monday, the WWE confirmed three "traditional" Survivor Series matches. They are:

Team Kofi (Kobe Johnston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, and Christian) vs. Team Orton (The Legacy, CM Punk & William Regal)

Team MORRISON (Morrison, Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin, & Finlay) vs. Team Miz (Miz, Sheamus, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, and Drew McIntyre)

Team Mickie (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Eve, and Melina) vs. Team Michelle (McCool, Jillian, Beth Phoenix The Glamazon, Layla and Alicia Fox)

First off, am I the only one disappointed with Christian as part of Kofi's team? Considering the brotherhood of the remainder of the team, couldn't they just have Shelton and Christian swap places? That way, Team Legacy could have Irish Spring Sheamus just to further race relations. Here's hoping that the rest of Team Kofi jumps Christian before the match at least to appease me and Al Sharpton. Seriously, I'd look like this if that were to happen:





Second, Team MORRISON vs. Team Miz could also be good if it weren't going to be the opening match of the night. And shouldn't Miz vs. Morrison have a war of words or something if they are to be captains of this match. The entire Miz vs. Morrison buildup has been lacking.

Lastly, Team Mickie vs. Team Michelle is a great reason why WWE PPV's must increase. For we would never get a seven minute women's match on TV!

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

It's not certain that Edge will be back for WrestleMania.

As much as I would like to see a Jericho vs. Edge match at WrestleMania, if he's not 100%, I'd rather they wait until he was. No sense of rushing Edge back if he's still hurt. Especially since it won't be his last WrestleMania. Plus then the WWE could ease into a Jericho vs. Undertaker WrestleMania match.

Maryse should be back around Survivor Series.

And there's your spoiler for the Divas Elimination match.

Former WWE Diva Lillian Garcia was assaulted at the Yankees ticker tape parade.

Dammit Charlie Haas, you still run the ropes too damn fast!

The former WWE Developmental talent Saylor James (real name - Catalina White) will take part in an upcoming adult video entitled Model Amateur Tour this year.

While male wrestlers hone their skills overseas in hopes of a WWE return, Catalina has discovered the high road for aspiring Divas – on her knees.

Who's Ricky Hatton? Seriously, this is the first guest host I don't know anything about. And I'm a pretty hip dude. I read Perez Hilton daily.

VINTAGE HATTON. Oh man, Show did not see that one coming. JeriShow vs. DX. I didn't see that one coming either.

re: Big Show in a suit – whatever happened to Amish Roadkill?

So Gail Kim comes back to the WWE to watch Kelly Kelly in action. Fair enough.

A sidenote: last year, in order to get my friends to purchase Survivor Series last year, I had to hype the shit out of the Elimination Divas match. I guess I'm going to have to do the same this year.

Wait, John Cena is off for the night and the fans cheer? We ain't in Toronto.

Oh man, Brothers looks fucking awesome. See this is why women should never sleep around, especially with family members. You never know when your husband who you thought was dead wasn't really dead and would not appreciate you sleeping with his brother. God, Natalie Portman, what's wrong with you? You went to an Ivy!

Cinco Dart Mayo – genius Chavo genius.

Bourne vs. Swagger – another neverending feud between two ECW guys. Glad, Mark Henry got the God push of all the ECW stars in Trump's trade.

Wow, Swagger's undefeated push ended in four weeks. And you couldn't even blame this one on Dwayne Bruce.

Man, 2012 looks like a rip-off of Independence Day. Natural disasters, confident President, bad acting. As a kid I loved ID4, nowadays, not so much.

I appreciate the WWE spending 20 minutes to hype the Team Kofi vs. Team Orton match. Overall, the segments felt a bit flat as compared to the previous two weeks but that's what happens when you book a Mark Henry match. I'm hearing that the MVP vs. Ted DiBiase Superstars match is pretty damn good.

Hatton vs. Chavo – next please.

Am I the only one expecting a Hornswoggle heel turn at Survivor Series? And why is the build for HBK vs. HHH vs. Cena revolving around a midget and insider comedy? Seriously how hard is it to do a serious build around the three biggest superstars on Raw? Does anyone care what merchandise Hornswoggle wears?

Anti-climatic ending to a decent, if overly long, tag team match. I understand if both teams don't want to steal the show at the end of a lackluster Raw, but its sad that DX's best match of the year was against Legacy.

Well tonight's show was nothing to write home about. I appreciate that the WWE devoted the entire show to building Survivor Series and not next week's Raw or even this week's guest host. However, nothing seemed to really click. Oh well. Next week in MSG will be interesting – at least the main event sounds better on paper.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

The general feeling is that Lacey Von Erich won't be long for TNA. Even though she's "horrible in the ring" and disrespectful in the locker room, what really ticks the wrestlers off, is the fact that she wears her "costume" throughout the day.

That's discrimination against Halloweenies! How dare you insensitive TNA folk. Poor Lacey Von Erich, back to Wrestlicious for you.

Kevin Nash posted this message on his Facebook page:

"Thought I would clear up some internet bullshit. The reason I did not receive a letter from T.N.A was because this matter was discussed between President Dixie Carter and myself. I promise you it cost me money not a paid vacation at my beach home. I understand Dixie's reason for the action she has taken but stand by my reaction to what at the time appeared a serious neck injury to [Sabin]."

There you have it kids – Facebook is not just for poking! If only someone could that to this guy:



And you know what gets me – Nash wasn't this passionate about Sabin when he was burying his ass a few years back during Kevin Nash: X-Division Superstar. I still don't like Kevin Nash. (See I'm the anti-Hyatte.)

During a radio interview with Bubba the Love Sponge yesterday, Hulk Hogan mentioned Steve Austin, Randy Savage, and the Nasty Boys as possible names to join TNA.

Well, now I can see why much of TNA's young generation might be unhappy with TNA's direction. I mean, seriously, the Nasty Boys. Randy Savage? Who's next? The Ultimate Warrior?

TNA would be better off using these legends as mouthpieces or managers for up and coming superstars. I'd mark out for a Randy Savage/Jay Lethal pairing, for example. Plus, I doubt there are many people that are thirsting for a Hogan legdrop – much less Hogan, who might not be able to drop the leg anymore. With that said, if Hogan only has one more money match in it, I hope it's against Randy Savage. That's a beef that has been brewing for too many years. Like Biggie vs. Tupac.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Here's hoping someone feels sorry enough to cover for me next week. I could surely use a vacation. If not, I'll be back here next week with Slimmer's Wall of Text and possibly a Paul Cohen Malebag. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!