News From Cook's Corner 11.11.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 11.11.2009

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

Hi, hello and welcome to the Corner! I'm Steve Cook, here with the very best weekly Wednesday wrestling news report presented at 411mania.com. OK, so I don't have a lot of competition. We've got a lot of good things this week though, perhaps most important on the list is the long-awaited return of the Penguin to 411's main page. That's right, my best Internet buddy is back, and he's presenting the very first edition of Penguin's Book Club! The first entry will be the new book by his childhood hero, Hulk Hogan…we've heard all the buzz, but now we have the honor of presenting 411's first look at the book that's causing all that.

We've also got some shocking speculation on a potential WWE Hall of Fame inductee, the reason why you should just deal with Nickelback doing Raw's new theme song, and all the latest wrestling news that's fit to type. So without further adieu, let's get it started!



Ah, the lovely Maryse. She recently stated on a radio interview that she would be returning to in-ring competition at Survivor Series, which pleases me on several fronts. First of all, she's gorgeous. Second of all, she's actually becoming a decent wrestler…she isn't quite there yet, but she's got potential. Most importantly, I can look forward to onw of my Internet friends whining and complaining about everybody loving her. He's been a little too quiet on that front lately, and there's few things that make better morning reading than him ranting on, as he puts it, "gdw". Which means Gosh Darn Women if you're scoring at home, or even if you're alone. I won't say who it is, but his name rhymes with "Canu Fumb".



Hulk Hogan said that he tried to kill himself. Andre Agassi said that he used crystal meth and wore a wig at the French Open. In the vein of other celebrities revealing previously unknown details in order to sell their auto-biographies, Rey Mysterio reveals in his new book Rey Mysterio: Behind The Mask that he went to a drug rehabilitation center last year as a result of an addiction to painkillers. Considering all of the injuries Rey has suffered during his career, this doesn't exactly come as a surprise. The problem started after Rey tore his biceps in February and had multiple surgeries in order to correct the problem. One has to wonder if Mysterio's painkiller problem led to his Wellness suspension earlier this year…in any event, hopefully Rey is over this problem like he says he is.

Chris Jericho got in a little trouble for an appearance he made at the Sacramento Film Festival. He called one of the hosts a "fag" and referred to the moderator several times as "Hadji", which I'm told is a slur used against Middle Easterners. Jericho said it was no big deal, but the host of this event, a man called "Mr. Lobo" (oh boy), told TMZ that Jericho's apology was crap and that he's an "asshole". This sounds like a big ol' non-story to me, but that's probably because my computer sucks too much to watch fun YouTube videos.

Ultimate Warrior in the WWE Hall of Fame? It could happen! Apparently the relationship between Warrior & WWE isn't as troubled as it used to be. Warrior currently lives in Phoenix, Arizona, which is pretty close to where WrestleMania 26 will be held…and it'll be the twentieth anniversary of his victory over Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania VI. Warrior getting inducted into the HOF would be a pretty tremendous mind-freak from where I sit, but the induction speech would certainly be interesting.

Linda McMahon has officially resigned as a director with the World Wrestling Entertainment organization. I think everything that can be said on the Linda/WWE issue has already been said, so now let's just wait and see what she does once she loses in the primary election.

A John Morrison DVD will be coming out in February. I know I'm probably not the first one to say this, but what exactly has John Morrison done to warrant a DVD? Don't get me wrong, I generally like Morrison's matches and he hasn't been part of anything that was completely craptastic (well, maybe the Mr. Ziggles stuff), but is WWE really so hard up for people to make DVDs about that now they're doing them for mid-carders? I, for one, can't wait for the Chavo Guerrero DVD to come out.

Jamie Noble is retiring from pro wrestling, according to an article on WWE.com. 32 years old is a pretty young retirement age, but Noble's suffered a lot of injuries and hasn't really done much as far as in-ring activity goes with WWE in a long time. I had heard he was serving as a producer back when the cruiserweight division was still around, but I don't think he's done much of that since the division was abolished. I was a Noble fan back in the day…but he might as well have been retired the last two years so I can't say it'd be a big loss for WWE. His disappearance does help put over Sheamus, who I'm still not sold on but they seem insistent on pushing him.

And yes, since the article appeared on WWE.com the likelihood that it's a work is there…but is there really any money in a Noble vs. Sheamus feud? Of course not. Don't get me wrong…I like Noble and especially enjoyed his ROH run in 2005. I had the privilege of seeing him win the ROH title in Dayton, Ohio, in the main event of what was probably the best ROH show I've seen in person. I enjoyed his work as a redneck heel on Smackdown before he got fired the first time. But let's face it…all he's really done the past couple of years in WWE is make good money to support his family. Good for him, and I wish him the best in whatever his future holds.

I saw some people kvetching about the Nickelback song "Burn It To The Ground" becoming Raw's new theme song next week. Obviously these people don't read this column, because I mentioned this weeks ago. Don't say I didn't warn you! Seriously though, I think y'all need to calm down on this whole Nickelback thing. Yeah, they're a generic rock band that makes 45,000 songs that all sound the same and aren't going to crack the "Top 1,000 Songs of All Time" list, but we have to tolerate them for one simple reason:

Chicks dig them.

It's well known that women have dreadful taste in music. Boy bands…crappy female solo artists…bad country music…generic rock…American Idol…these are all things that they love. I would explain why, but I've been trying to understand women for twenty-five years now and I don't really know much more now than I did when I was five.

(OK, I actually haven't really tried to understand them most of my life but sometimes one comes along that seems worth the effort. Work with me, people!)

The bottom line is that sometimes you have to put up with crappy music in order to get what you want. If a girl starts talking about how much they love Nickelback, you can't be all like "OH MY GOD THEY'RE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH MUSIC AND MUST BE DESTROYED!" Be more diplomatic. You don't have to buy a CD, they get enough radio airplay that you can hear them at least once a car ride. Eventually they'll just become background noise and you can put up with them.

I know I'm not telling most of you studs anything you don't already know, but this is good advice for the kids out there. I had to learn about this the hard way because nobody bothered to tell me. Because of that I missed out on a girl that'd probably crack my Top 20 Greater Cincinnati Hotties list. The band wasn't Nickelback, but it was somebody I wasn't particularly interested in seeing in concert. Baaaaaaaaaaad move on my part. If only I'd had somebody to give me this advice before I went through this. Unfortunately my friends are even more clueless when it comes to women than I am, and my dad's great insight is…well, not so great.

Good thing I don't have any female readers because they'd be all pissed off that their taste in music sucks. Hey, I can't help it. And guys, if you do somehow find a woman that has tolerable taste in music, you better hold on to her. Cause there ain't many of them out there.

I expect a lot more fun WWE news next week…European trips are always good for some crazy happenings, and Roddy Piper will be hosting Raw on Monday. I would be amazed if these two factors didn't result in some interesting news.



Those of you who watched Impact last week noticed the odd speech that Dixie Carter gave to the TNA roster in the first minutes of the program. She noted that TNA was going through changes and everybody needed to be on board and blah blah blah while the TNA wrestlers looked about as excited as a Louisville football crowd in the fourth quarter. I figured it was one of those "worked shoots" that people writing TNA television love so much, but apparently it was a legitimate speech and wasn't scripted.

Or so they're saying. If it was in fact a real speech, I have no idea why it would have made the airwaves. The speech wasn't exactly riveting, and I don't think it's good business to present your boss giving a big speech while showing close-ups of the crowd looking like they'd rather be any place in the world.

The awesomeness of Hulk Hogan media interviews continued this week with another Bubba the Love Sponge interview. Of note this time was Hogan saying that Steve Austin & Randy Savage might be coming to TNA. I'm pretty sure Austin's connected with WWE at least through their film division, and I thought Savage hated Hogan but who knows at this point. Maybe Hulk became a man.

All of Kurt Angle's legal troubles are currently over. No, I'm not saying this in order to jinx him and give me more things to write about in my columns. I'd prefer our Olympic Hero and one of my favorite professional wrestlers of the 2000s to stay out of trouble and provide us with some great matches in the 2010s. Hopefully I won't have to devote more column space to drama in Angle's personal life…besides, the Hogan stuff is much more fun.

Tara recently had two moles removed. She took the opportunity to advise her fans not to tan too much, which is probably too little too late for a lot of people I know. I don't see the point of having a tan in November, but for some reason people are gung-ho about it.

TNA raised $130,000 for charity on Monday night at a show in Nashville, Tennessee. The show was to feature appearances by several Tennessee Titans



Gabe Sapolsky, Davey Richards & Sal Hamaoui have founded a new wrestling promotion called EVOLVE, which will apparently run in Dragon Gate USA's off-months. The rumor is that the promotion would feature "worked shoot" matches, which would be similar to the old UWFI that ran in Japan during the 1980s & 90s. EVOLVE will apparently run shows in the Northeast, because the Northeast needs another indy wrestling promotion like I need a hole in my head. Are there no wrestling fans in any other portion of the United States?

Brian Kendrick will be working this Saturday at the Mid-Atlantic Sportatorium in Burlington, North Carolina. I don't know how close Larry Csonka is to Burlington, but hopefully he can make the trip and give us a full report.

Mad Dog Vachon was inducted into the Quebec Sports Hall of Fame on Monday night, joining such previously inducted luminaries as Maurice Richard, Larry Robinson & Dick Pound. Perhaps Pound could lend Mad D-no, no, no I'm not going there. Missing legs are not an acceptable source of humor, though the name Dick Pound is probably the third best "Dick" name I've heard. The other two? Dick Pole & Dick Armey. I'm still pissed the Reds fired Pole after last season. Who cares if his pitching coaching seemed to do the team no good…making fun of Dick Pole's name was how most of us got through Reds games without wanting to inflict bodily harm on ourselves and/or others.

Bad Headline Of The Week

On a couple of sites (including this one), I saw a headline on several websites that said "Big Name At ROH Weekend Shows". A big name! Sounds exciting, right? So I clicked on the link, and found this out:

Former NWA and WCW promoter Gary Juster was at the Ring of Honor event in Edison, New Jersey Saturday night. Reportedly, Juster was there to "explore his options" and may work with the company down the line. Juster has promoted lucha events in Georgia and worked as legal counsel and a promoter in the NWA and in WCW.

Who?

Listen, it's not a big name if an Internet Wrestling God like myself doesn't know who it is. I realize that sounds pretty stuck up on my part, but it's the unvarnished truth. Yes, I vaguely remember hearing the name "Gary Juster" somewhere in the past. But do I have any idea what he did off the top of my head? No. That means he isn't a big name and people shouldn't be listing him as such in order to get hits.

No disrespect intended to Mr. Juster if he's reading this. I'm sure he's a nice guy…but he's not a big name. Hey, I'm not a big name either. That's life.

(Well, I'm a big name by 411Mania standards, but it wouldn't be huge news if I were backstage at an ROH show)



By Voodoo Penguin

Greetings loyal readers, and welcome to a new feature at the Corner. Penguin's Book Club!!

It's been a while since I've been around the corner, and I know I've been missed. Mrs. Penguin and I finally made it official and legal, and that coupled with working numerous jobs has taken away from my ability to contribute regularly. However, in what spare time I have had, I've been reading Hulk Hogan's new book. With the recent amount of press he's been getting around the intertubes recently, I thought it would be fun to provide all the loyal readers of 411 with a book review. Leave me a comment, and if this is something that takes off, I'll return every once in a while with different reviews. I've got like 20 wrestling books so it's certainly feasible that I could drop in and take up space on weeks when Cook has no other filler.

With that out of the way, let's get this party started

Hulk Hogan: My Life Outside the Ring With Mark Dagostino

Right off the bat, let me first say that this title is very fitting, mainly because it truly details Hogan's life OUTSIDE the ring. So if you are looking for old stories from the road and from matches, this is not the book for you, as Hogan only really talks about his wrestling career as anecdotes to the stories he's telling.

Also, if you are looking for some sort of feel good read, this probably isn't it. Hogan gets very in depth about some of the lowest points in his life, and by the end it's hard not to feel bad for the guy.

The book itself details Hogan's life, from growing up on the wrong side of the tracks in Tampa, all the way through his recent divorce proceedings and all the drama with his son's recent car wreck. Throughout it, there is a feeling of honesty in Hogan's words, both because of the detail he shares and because he is more than willing to accept blame in places he knows he was wrong.

Don't get it wrong, there's the typical "Hogan taking credit for too much" that we've all come to know and love from the Hulkster, such as when he states that the Rock was freaking out and unsure of what to do in their Wrestlemania 18 match when the fans switched sides. On the whole though, Hulk seems pretty honest about the good and bad times in his life.

A good portion of the book is about his life with ex-wife Linda. After reading the book on the whole, it's pretty easy to see why she's recently claimed Hogan was telling lies about her in the book. If even half of what he wrote was true, well, Linda's a bitch. The scary part is, from the parts of their lives made public in recent years, it seems to this flightless bird that Hogan's probably telling the truth about his ex-wife. If that's the case, the fact that Brooke and Nick have even half a sense of normalcy about them is amazing.
Speaking of Nick, there's a large portion of the book also dedicated to his car wreck and subsequent trial, jail sentence. Hulk and Nick come across as truly sympathetic characters in this version of the story, and while I cannot say that what Hogan says is the truth or not, it is very interesting to finally hear the story of what happened that day from the Hogan point of view.

The rest of the book is dedicated to Hogan reaching his lowest points, and the subsequent new age mumbo jumbo he used to get his life somewhat back on track. If you're not into the whole The Secret concept that's sweeping the nation, then this section probably isn't for you. It is strange to read about how my larger than life hero growing up had a gun in his mouth, and almost pulled the trigger.

On the whole, the book has a very personal tone to it. Reading it, you can't help but feel that Hogan is talking to you personally, almost as if you are reading a transcript of a conversation (which, from what I understand about ghost writers, is probably truer than I even know). On an aside, if you get annoyed by people who constantly say "you know" then this probably isn't for you, because Hogan ends about 1 out of every 5 sentences with it.

It's certainly an interesting read, but not the type of book you just can't put down. In fact, if a person were to read through the whole thing in a sitting they'd probably come away pretty depressed. I'm not faulting the book for being a downer, but just giving a fair warning that it is.

It's a good book, but not great. And certainly not the book for people wanting a feel good story or someone wanting stories from the road. But if you want to know Hulk's version of the all the recent drama that's been going on, then this is the book for you.
I give Hulk Hogan: My Life Outside the Ring a B- Just above average. Again, there's nothing truly wrong with the book, but you don't leave it feeling like you could just read the whole thing cover to cover again.

If things go well, I'll probably have a review for Chris Jericho's Around the World in Spandex soon, as I recently just re-read it. In the mean time, come visit me at the forums, and stay classy 411.

Big ups to the Penguin, and best wishes to Mrs. Penguin. Show him some love in the comment section so he'll keep contributing.



The Rs were kinda there this week, much like Superstars. I guess those other Jericho Superstars appearances happened before I started recapping for the Rs, which means I wouldn't have seen them. Oh well.

I don't think I've plugged Lansdell in a while, which is understandable because his column is on Thursdays.

The Contentous Ten covers the best Survivor Series matches of all time. How in the world did the match with the Four Doinks not make the cut? Or the match with Doink, Dink, Wink & Pink vs. Jerry Lawler, Queasy, Wheezy & Sleazy? Come on Peters, get in the game!

Eubanks talks some Smackdown stuff.

Jessica Alba Gets Spanked? Yeah, that's getting a plug. And probably some other things that you don't want to know about.

Next week I will present Part Two of my look at breast implants in professional wrestling Why next week? Well, I went to the bar for dinner last night, and I feel I shouldn't write at length about certain female body parts while under the influence. Such an act can only lead to bad things. The esteemed JP Prag will be in tomorrow, and I'll be back next week with more News From Cook's Corner. Until then, let's hope for a repeat of this scene on Sunday…