The Tuesday Slim-To-None News Report 11.17.09

Posted by Scott Slimmer on 11.17.2009

Small ordered me to do the job while he takes a break, so we’ve got a special video message for Randle, photo evidence of Mickie James’ commitment to her fans, an update on Shane McMahon’s job search, Dixie Carter’s sweet tweets of wisdom, and a bunch of YouTube videos featuring Bryan Danielson.

Last week, Jeff Small made an impassioned plea to the 411 Universe. He has been working on his award winning* news report all day, every day for the past four years, and his dedication to internet wrestling journalism is an inspiration to us all. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't get laid… although, in fairness, he probably wouldn't get laid all that much anyway. All he does is write about wrestling, and he does it all for you. For his readers. For his Smallophiles. For the 411 Universe. But after four years of tirelessly striving to be the best damn news reporter in the IWC, last week Jeff Small made a startling admission. He's grown a bit weary of the burden that he shoulders, and he needs a brief respite to refocus his desire to share his gift with the world. And so he asked for someone to volunteer to fill-in for him this week while he healed his broken body and heavily medicated his troubled mind. It was a simple request, and helping Jeff Small in his time of need is the least that we can do for him after all that he has sacrificed for us.

Unfortunately, the only volunteer was Randle's cat. And while Small did seriously consider Buddy's offer, he suddenly realized that he had another option. Since I now technically work for him, he could simply tell me to write the whole damn report myself. And that's what he did. And not only that, he's making me write it in the established "Small For All" style. You know, lots of goofy pictures and videos, not so much with those pesky words. And so here we are. I don't want to be here, you don't want me to be here, and we can all blame Small for this fine little mess. But I really shouldn't be so hard on Small. I mean, Slimmer and Small, we're a team, you know? I drive the car, and he finds the bombs. We tried it the other way, but it didn't work.

Screw it, we all know the only reason that Small has been writing this news report for so long is because Csonka didn't want to work Tuesdays.

Before we move on, I do want to congratulate Randle on his six year anniversary writing The Wrestling News Experience. To show my appreciation, I wanted to get two of Randle's favorite Canadians, Edge and Christian, to record a special message for the occasion. Unfortunately, I could only afford Colt Cabana and El Generico. So here you go, Randle, this one's for you. Happy Anniversary!



Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Oh crap, I don't have my own banner. I probably should have thought of that earlier…

Hold on a second…

Much better…

Here we go…

Small asked me to start by answering some of the mail that he's been too damn busy to read himself. Too busy, Small? Really? For future reference, watching Gary Unmarried isn't "busy," it's just sad. Anyway, I personally don't have anything against Paul Cohen, so the Paul Cohen Douchebag will be on hiatus this week. In its place, I'm proud to present the debut edition of the Sim Snuka Deucebag.

Our first letter is from y2jsellsout589, if that is your real name.

My apologies Small, for while i feel that you are a cancer on this sight, a walking homonogeneous glob of suck that absorbs, nay, that cancels out, any positive self imposing character which could be featured on this sorry excuse of a wrestling sight, my media contracts force me to admit, while i would not be caught dead in any way shape or form at all linked to this horrendess sight, I will humbly concede that Swanson Hungry Man is the future, nay, the DESTINY, of the WWE! No other product shows the passion, the exponential energy of the WWE! No other product, save for the turkey/cranberry will ever fulfill me in any deep sated way like the WWE championship!

Posted By: y2jsellsout589 (Guest) on November 10, 2009 at 01:52 AM

Thanks for writing, y2jsellsout589. I agree that… um… okay, I don't even know where to begin here. But this guy is one Destrucity reference away from nailing a spot-on Warrior impersonation. And speaking of Destrucity, there are not one but TWO definitions to be found on Urban Dictionary:

1. destrucity

In its design, Destrucity represents a constellation existing in the heavens which symbolizes the "Eight Disciplines" by which Warriors choose to live their lives. Brought to existence by the destinies of those willing to die for their Beliefs, brought to exist as a place where people live by Belief in the evolution of their Higher Selves – constantly evolving toward a completion of their chosen destiny-all with strength in the denial of "System Beliefs" – the very Beliefs that amplify differences in and create rights, wrongs, judgements, and opinions of people, places, and things.

The Ultimate Warrior lost his mind and made up a word called Destrucity.

2. Destrucity

Tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning...
1. The name of the Galaxy in WARRIOR wherein the "Terrain of Testament" lies.
2. The Living of one's life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior's 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom.
3: The creating of a truce between one's Destiny and one's Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now... one's reality.

"Dreams are the movies that tell one's story… Some already told… some not yet written."
– Warrior Wisdom

Since John was a WARRIOR, he adhered to the tenets of Destrucity. Although his friends could understand Integrity and Wisdom, when he tried to explain his commitment to Moment of Mastery and Beliefs, they assumed correctly that he had gone insane and promptly got the fuck away from him.

Yes, y2jsellsout589 is truly on his way to mastering Destrucity and living the Way of the Warrior. But I still don't understand how the Swanson Hungry-Man dinner fits into the story.


NEWS FROM TITAL TOWERS

Mickie James signs an unique autograph at Toronto's Union Station on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 to promote WrestleMania 23.



Okay, so maybe a picture from two years ago doesn't technically count as "news." But it seems as though there has been a ton of talk about the lovely Ms. James in the Small-For-All comments section as of late, so I just thought I'd share my humble opinion. Say what you will about dear, sweet Mickie James. Maybe she's put on a pound or two or twenty. Maybe she occasionally botches a move or nearly decapitates a fellow Diva. But I still love her, damn it, and this picture clearly demonstrates that Mickie really is willing go the extra mile for her fans. The bottom line is that I simply have no idea who could actually dislike this wonderful, beautiful, caring woman.



Oh, right. I forgot about her.

Shane McMahon met with UFC head Dana White last week.

This story sort of got buried by the recent Brock Lesnar news coming out of UFC, but I found it strangely fascinating. Many assumed that Shane had resigned from WWE to work on his mother's campaign, but could he have an entirely different motivation? Could Shane actually be aiming for a position with UFC? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but I would wager that this news will have very little impact upon the on-screen product presented by WWE or UFC. Now that Shane has left WWE, his influence upon the WWE product has obviously decreased considerably. (Although, since he is still a McMahon, it's probably unwise to assume that he will ever be completely without influence within the promotion.) As for UFC, if Shane is being considered for a position within the company, then it's most likely a position working behind the scenes in distribution, merchandising, etc. But hey, we can still hold out hope that we'll get to see Shane hit Anderson Silva with the Coast-to-Coast at some point.

WWE confirmed the rumor from earlier today that Jesse Ventura will be hosting Monday Night Raw next week.

Sounds good to me. What's the over / under on the number of times that Cole will say, "Vintage Ventura!"?

Rey Mysterio has a knee injury right now, and is expected to take time off soon. This may cause the program with Batista to be rushed.

This late-breaking news sucks hard and mighty, that is for certain. However, I'm not really worried that Mysterio's injury will diminish the quality of his Survivor Series match against Batista. Mysterio has a history of pulling out surprisingly good matches even while injured (think Rey / Chavo or Rey / Edge), so I have no doubt that Rey Rey can work through the pain. Unfortunately, I do think that Mysterio's injury telegraphs the outcome of his match this Sunday. It would only make sense for Batista to decimate him as a way to explain his impending absence. Of course, earlier in the year Batista himself went into a match injured and walked out as the WWE Champion, so what the hell do I know?

• I'm having dinner with my grandmother this evening, so I need to submit this news report several hours before Raw airs. As such, I'm going to have to guess what may transpire on tonight's action packed episode. However, given the fact that the creative team seems to be using the Mad Lib approach to writing Raw, I should be able to hit the nail on the head at least a few times.

• And here comes Jericho to open the show as usual. But seriously, why is he cutting a promo on Kane even though Kane isn't even booked in a match this Sunday?

• DX should not be wearing kilts. HBK's legs are whiter than Sheamus'.

• And speaking of Sheamus, here's his squash of the week. Many thanks to whoever convinced him to replace the pump kick with the crucifix powerbomb as his finisher.

• Backstage fun with Piper, Santino, and Chavo. Yada, yada, yada, coconut shot to Chavo.

• Honestly, the Melina / Alicia match wasn't as bad as it could have been. But that's only because "as bad as it could have been" would have actually involved at least one of them leaving the ring on a stretcher.

• What's more depressing, the fact that Chavo lost 37 straight matches to a midget, or the fact that he just lost a match to a senior citizen in a dress?

• The main event was fun, but when the gong hit at the end of the show last week, I was really hoping that Cena's partner would turn out to be the Underswoggle.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

A.K.A., random things that sweet, sweet Dixie Carter tweeted to the world.

Dixie Carter announced on her TWITTER tonight that she has signed Pope D'Angelo Dinero to a new, long term contract.

"Right before I walked in to watch the PPV just now, The Pope and I signed his new long term deal. He IS the real deal."

Good for the Pope. I really enjoyed his run in ECW a few years ago, and I still don't understand how WWE could see the value in CM Punk and John Morrison but so completely miss the boat with Elijah Burke. I do question whether he will be able to find any success outside of the X-Division in TNA, but maybe some time down in Orlando will give him the kind of exposure he needs to earn a second shot with WWE. I mean, it worked for R-Truth, right?

Dixie Carter made the following comments on her TWITTER page, regarding injuries at the Turning Point PPV…

"Kurt threw his back out early in the match last night & gutted out the next 15+ mins as he & Desmond delivered one of the best of the year"

"No other injuries to report from the PPV. Kurt pushed thru last night and will not miss any action."

This is both terrifying and amazing, all at the same time. It's terrifying because we all know that Angle's back is delicate at best, and I cringe every time I hear about him trying to work through the pain. However, it's also amazing that Angle could injure his back early in the match and still deliver a legitimate MOTYC. Just imagine what he and Wolfe could have put together under ideal conditions.


VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR

We here at 411 Wrestling are busy preparing our annual 411 Year End Awards. I've been compiling the nominations made in the Super Secret 411 Staff Forum during the course of the year, and I realized that I managed to miss some great matches and promos this year. In case you missed them as well, here are a few of my new favorites. Enjoy!










COMING ATTRACTIONS

Small should be well rested and mostly sober by next week, so I would expect him to make his triumphant return to these hallowed halls. Oh freaking joy.

Cook is in tomorrow.

For the Tuesday Slim-To-None News Report, I'm not Jeff Small… and thankfully, neither are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* 2008 Best English Language Wrestling News Report (GayforKhali.com)