The Wrestling Bard 11.21.09: Mania Odyssey, Part VIII

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 11.21.2009

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

FUN WITH COMMENTS!

"These articles are horrendous Aaron. If the content wasn't bad enough, you get ridiculous mistakes like using "hallow", when you surely mean "hollow".
Hallow means to make holy or sacred, to sanctify or consecrate, to venerate. Is that really how you felt about Hogan's win?

Posted By: Guest#7996 (Guest)

Aaron & the deathly hallows .
Where's Hermione ?

Posted By: Guest#7196"

I'm going to assume these are from the same guy, and even if they aren't, same topic.

OH NO! I made a typo! The world is ending! Hey, did you notice I accidently wrote "laughing STALK" instead of "laughing STOCK?" *teehee*

This isn't college, this isn't a formal paper, it's not something I'm paid to write, it is a glorified blog that I usually write in a few hours for the sake of ENTERTAINMENT! I don't even usually have time to double check it. I write it on Friday and post it as soon as I write it. Because, you know, I have a LIFE and don't want to spend all my time writing about wrestling. But thank the Lord I have you to correct my spelling!

As for the Hermione joke…well, if it's the character, she's probably somewhere close to the "I <3 EDWARD!" file of my brain, which is in the "I don't care" section. If you mean Emma Watson, hopefully she's on 411's Infamous "Hooker List" that Larry and Lansdell talk about from time to time. If she is, I might actually make use of it.

I'm confused... Is Johnny some made up kid?

Posted By: nwa88

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven't read the other columns. Yes, this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to an actual John Sullivan are purely coincidental. Any similarities to me are not coincidental and some are intentional. The points of this series are1) nostalgia, 2) the different stages of being a wrestling fan, and 3) how being a wrestling fan affects the rest of your life.

If you didn't know, now you know. At least I'm not posting fiction where I have a girlfriend and am in a semi-unresponsive state and think wrestling is REALLY real.

EPIC FAIL

Posted By: Promang (Guest) on November 15, 2009 at 06:01 AM

EPIC FAIL

Posted By: Yebemkas (Guest) on November 15, 2009 at 06:14 AM

EPIC FAIL

Posted By: Yebemkas (Registered) on November 15, 2009 at 06:21 AM


Who thinks this is the same person posting over and over again? How sad is that?

Posted By: Yebemkas/Promang = SAD (Guest)

Even if they AREN'T the same person, nothing is sadder than posting your thoughts via Internet meme. The phrase wasn't clever when it came out and was barely funny then. Now, the only humor it provides is watching a bunch of sad teenagers* and middle-schoolers post it and thinking they said something cool. So yeah, I probably got more enjoyment out of them saying it than them posting it. Stupid people are HILARIOUS!

*I love being twenty. Now I can finally make fun of teenagers again!

"I actually liked your last column, so I don't know what you thought was wrong with it.

This one, however, was kinda boring. It was missing the personal stuff with his brother and father, which was interesting. This was nothing more than the results of Wrestlemania VII put into narrative form. Hopefully, the next column will fix that.

Posted By: JLAJRC"

Believe it or not, I've hated most of my most-loved columns. Who knows? What it means is that the article did not live up to my personal expectations. Everyone else is very entitled to their opinion on my stuff, good or bad.

The relationships with his brother and father were not missing. They were just taken in a different direction. Relationships are not always good. They ebb and flow in intensity, good times and bad times, through times of closeness and times of distance. And most people start to distance themselves from their family at around the teenage years, which is where Johnny is. Now, his primary relationships will start to move towards his peers (like his wrestling team). Don't worry. His family isn't out of the picture yet.

As for being a Wrestlemania in narrative form, yeah it was. But they are all like that to an extent. This one just happened to be a wrestling event watched by one person (which is significant). With one person watching, you tend to focus on the wrestling and what's going through his head. Plus, it gave me a chance to write about Warrior-Savage in that style instead of as a reviewer. The match is based on emotions, and you can't really convey emotions with ****1/2.

"Good column.
Your third to last paragraph about Hulk Hogan is the strongest of the column.

Looking forward to part VIII.

Posted By:

It's good to know I have a couple steady readers. While I don't think that was my best work, I was very pleased with my paragraph on Hogan. Hogan was a phenomenon and I do appreciate him, but it was around this time that the magic started to wear thin. I also liked my writing of Warrior-Savage and the Undertaker.

"I miss Liz.

Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth

Man I miss Liz too...easily the most gorgeous lady in wrestling, maybe because she didn't slut it up like everyone else did.

Posted By: Jason King

I don't know man, that bikini bottom at Summer Slam '88 was pretty slutty…

Just kidding. Liz was sadly before my time. I definitely wish more girls followed in her footsteps. I am a firm believer that women can be sexy without taking all of their clothes off. It's how a woman carries herself.

I enjoy this article. It shows the stages of a wrestling fan as he grows older and some parts I can identify with. i can totally understand the kid hiding his love of pro wrestling to his wrestling team. heck most non wrestling fans are likely to say one of two sentences when they hear someone talking about wrestling or watching it: "wrestling's fake" and "wrestling is men in tights trying to touch each other". each one of these people is probably convinced that their first ones to have said that too.

Posted By: Phil

As somebody who wrestled in school, I can definitely tell you that there is no group of people who despise professional wrestling more than amateur wrestlers. But then, can you blame them? They already have to deal with wearing the required uniform (tights) and the fact that they do roll around with other guys wearing the required uniform (tights). Then you get wrestling in the 1980's where the illusion of pro wrestling being real is lost. So now, wrestling is "fake". That's pretty insulting to amateur wrestlers, who work their butts off getting in shape to compete in a very physical sport and are some of the best athletes in the world. It's actually kind of sad, because I think pro wrestling fans are one of the few groups of people that truly appreciate the athleticism and hard work of amateur wrestlers.

To Corey, Guest #2687, Rob and Kieran, thanks for the support! Keep reading and commenting!


CHICKEN BREAK!



It is April 25, 1992. President George H.W. Bush is in the final year of his term. The Washington Redskins won Super Bowl XXVI, defeating the Buffalo Bills 37-24. The Silence of the Lambs won Best Picture at the sixty-fourth Academy Awards. As for the World Wrestling Federation, things couldn't have possibly been more different than they were a year ago. Randy Savage, who had lost a retirement match last year, was challenging for the WWF Championship. The Ultimate Warrior was nowhere to be found. The Undertaker, once a feared monster, had turned against his ally Jake Roberts and was slowly becoming a fan favorite. Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, who had once been parts of highly successful tag teams, were now successful singles stars. And the WWF Champion was a man who hadn't even been in the company at last year's Wrestlemania.

"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.

For thirteen year-old Johnny Sullivan, having Ric Flair in the WWF is a dream come true. Flair was one of the two big stars from WCW that Johnny had really wanted to see come to the WWF, the other being Sting. Flair's presence had created the opportunity for the dream match between Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. Both had been top champions in their respective companies, but who was the REAL biggest star in wrestling?

Sadly, Johnny wouldn't get a chance to find out tonight. Hogan was wrestling Sid Justice, and Flair was defending his title against Savage. And while Savage vs. Flair was a dream match in its own right, Johnny was more than a little disappointed. Flair's arrival had created a renewed interest in pro wrestling for him, something that had been waning for the last couple of years. But the lack of what would have been the biggest match since Hogan vs. Warrior had Johnny coming into the show with middling expectations.

Still, it was a better atmosphere than last years Wrestlemania. For one, his dad wasn't on his honeymoon; he and Sherrill had invited him to their new house for the show. Watching Mania with his father certainly felt right, and it was a rarer occasion now than it had been when the divorce happened. Johnny was wrestling all year, and had just finished his run on the Middle School varsity team, and had taken third in his weight division at the end of season tournament. He was wearing his letter jacket proudly as he watched his dad and step-mom banter playfully. Johnny didn't fully accept Sherrill into the family yet, but he was happy that his dad was happy.

The other thing that made it cool was that for the first time, Johnny had a friend over to watch wrestling. At the start of the school, a student named David arrived in his school. David was a year older than Johnny, but had jacked around in fourth grade and was a year behind. He was the epitome of cool. Girls loved him and guys liked to hang out with him. As soon as the final bell rang, he would put on his sun glasses and flash his smile, then walk out to his parents' car. He was also the biggest Ric Flair fan on the planet. He would strut just like him. He knew all of Flair's catchphrases and could imitate his voice perfectly. For Halloween, he dressed up in a robe and sneak up on girls and yell, "Woo!" It was at this time when Johnny had talked to him. Their shared interest in this unique part of the pop culture universe instantly drew them together.

Not surprisingly, David was a huge Shawn Michaels fan as well. Since the Heartbreak Kid was wrestling Tito Santana, Johnny found himself in the familiar position of defending his childhood favorite. Eventually, the banter between the two died down, and the banter of Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan took over. And despite being Tito's biggest fan, Johnny couldn't help but laugh at the repeated mentioning of "Chico Santana". He didn't shy from punching David in the arm when Tito started to control the match, but didn't mind taking some punches of his own when Shawn ended up winning.

The arrival of the Undertaker put both guys on the same side. Like everyone else, the boys had been in awe of Undertaker since his debut, and now that he fighting on the good side of things, they had no reservations cheering him as he systematically destroyed Jake Roberts, even hitting his signature Tombstone Piledriver on the floor.

Another man they both respected was Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Bret's rise from tag-team competitor to successful singles star, which culminated with winning the Intercontinental Championship from Mr. Perfect at Summer Slam, had been one of the highlights of wrestling for Johnny in the last year. Much like with Ricky Steamboat, Johnny felt that Bret was an IC Champ he could count on for having entertaining, competitive matches. David, on the other hand, was rooting on Bret simply because he hated Roddy Piper, due to his feud with Ric Flair.

The dramatic contest saw Bret and Piper trade wrestling holds and play mind games with each other. Hart started bleeding, a rarity in wrestling at the time, and it helped the match seem special. Piper seemed to struggle with his conscience, looking to use the ring bell to defeat the younger challenger, but opted not to, grabbing his sleeper hold and making both boys actually cheer him for his sportsmanship. But that didn't keep them from cheering louder when Bret rolled off of the turnbuckles into a cover to win his title back.

The loss prompted David to go into his dead-on impersonation of the former champ, which put Johnny, his Dad, and Sherrill in stitches. So David kept doing different impersonations. First was Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior, and when Lex Luger came on the screen to hype up the World Bodybuilding Federation, he parodied him as well. But it was his Flair impression that proved to be the best. It was so good that they barely realized it when the REAL Ric Flair started to talk about Elizabeth and his pictures of her. "Bet you boys can't wait for Flair to win so you can see those pictures, eh?" said Sherrill, smiling slyly. The two boys looked at each other, and then looked back at Sherrill. Then they looked back at the television.

With yet another mark in his favor, Ric Flair become the obvious favorite of the two friends. They cheered as Flair dominated most of the match, even when Mr. Perfect helped him to cheat. But eventually, they stopped caring who won, and just watched the match. Flair and Savage both gave it their all, but in the end, it was Savage winning with a roll-up. David cried foul as Savage had held the tights. "You hypocrite! Like Flair hasn't pulled the tights a million times before?" Johnny said. "Yeah, but now we don't get to see Elizabeth. And it's not like Flair has to pull the tights. He just does it because he's Ric Flair!"

David started strutting around like an idiot and "Wooing!", so Johnny tripped him up. Rather than getting mad, the two started throwing punches at the air, pretending to hit each other. They completely oblivious to Tatanka and Rick Martel battling on the TV Screen. "Dude, let me chop you like Flair!" "No way, man." "Oh come on, Johnny, you can chop me too." "All right." So Johnny stood there, and David slapped his chest as hard as he could. Johnny winced in pain, but David stood there and waited for David to chop back. Smirking, Johnny put all of his strength into the chop, and David practically yelped in pain.

Undeterred, David asked Johnny to let him try the Figure-Four. "Okay, Nature Boy, whatever." So Johnny laid down and let David apply the hold. Much to his surprise, the hold hurt tremendously, and Johnny yelled out, "Ouch! Ow!" "Haha, you're such a wimp, man!" Figuring that since the Figure-Four really hurt, the counter would to. Johnny rolled over to his stomach. And it DID work, as David was quickly yelling and begging for Johnny to let go. Johnny rolled to his back again and David let the hold go. They both looked at each other and started laughing.

"If you two are done trying to kill each other, there's a match going on!" said their Dad. They settled down long enough to watch the Natural Disasters abuse Money Inc. for a few minutes, but Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster got out of there and allowed themselves to be counted out. Had it not been for the two friends asking stopping their fight because of a painful leglock, they would have booed them. Now, they kind of understood it.

Johnny sat back and watched as Owen Hart defeated the Skinner in short order. He had come in with low expectations for the show, but had found himself enjoying it tremendously. He and David would always talk about whatever wrestling was going on, but actually watching it together was something else entirely. Being the only wrestling fan he knew was a bit of a lonely experience, a part of his identity he couldn't share with anyone. Now, he finally had someone else to share it with.

They watched the main event with relative silence. Johnny had finally stopped caring about Hogan, and the only thing that would have made him care was a match against Flair. Watching him battle Sid Justice was like a slap in the face. He was another monster villain who had been Hogan's friend, but had turned on him. It was the same old story.

Two things did catch Johnny's attention, though. First, Sid kicked out of Hogan's legdrop, which was the first time Johnny could remember. Then, after interference from Papa Shango, Johnny got the surprise of a lifetime when the ULTIMATE WARRIOR rushed down to save Hogan. The crowd erupted, and Johnny was on his feet. All of the sudden, Warrior and Hogan were the coolest thing ever again, even if just for a minute. And while it wasn't Flair vs. Hogan, it was a suitable ending to Wrestlemania.

After the show, Johnny and David started wrestling in the front yard. Johnny got revenge and put David in the figure-four, but let him turn it over out of respect. But after about twenty minutes, David's father came driving out. The window of the backseat rolled down, and a pretty blonde girl called out, "Come on David, we're having spaghetti at home!" Johnny caught a glimpse of David's sister and stood up, folding his arms. She smiled at him, and David took notice. "Ah, Johnny, sorry I didn't tell you about my sister. This is Melissa. Melissa, this is Johnny," he said. Feeling that Johnny sounded very much like a little boy's name, he quickly shouted, "Just John". "Hello, John," Melissa yelled out. Johnny yelled back, "Hello!" in what he hoped was an aloof and uncaring tone. Judging by Melissa's sudden giggling, he had failed. David snapped him out of his crushed ego and said,"Hey man, this was really fun. I'm going to talk to my parents and see if you can start coming over to my house for shows. We usually order the PPV's anyway, and you can chip in." Johnny nodded and shook hands with his new friend.

Johnny went back inside. He spent the rest of the night playing Monopoly with his Dad and Mike, who had finally come home from Bobby's house. This had been a great night. He didn't remember the wrestling as much, but the atmosphere had been better than it ever had been.

****

Wrestlemania VIII was a show of highs and lows. One of its lows was an eight man-tag team match featuring the WWF midcard. Which is sad, because most WWE eight-man tags are well worth seeing. Here's another one worth seeing, as Team Kobashi faces Team Sasaki in Kensuke Office. Be prepared for one of the best matches of 2008.