The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report 11.24.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 11.24.2009

The Ultimate Mailed-In Edition Features Recession Busting Deals, Knee Injuries, Heat on a WWE Announcer, Hogan Being Hogan, and A Surprise Visit by a SFA Favorite!!!

Positives from a Recession

Black Friday is one of my favorite days of the year. In the past, I would spend Wednesday and Thursday scanning newspaper circulars (yes, Virginia, it's one of the few times I don't use the intranetz) looking for the best deals I could find. Then I would formulate my plan, prepare the essentials, get a quick sleep, and dream of getting my entire Christmas shopping list done in four hours.

And I would for the most part. Friends would receive cheap DVDs ( "Wow, Jeff how did you know I wanted Hot Rod?" ), my parents would receive the best doorbusters I could find ( "Thanks Jeff, how I ever wanted a Roomba"), and everyone lived happily ever after.

This year, however, things are a tad different. First, my friends don't want to exchange gifts (those bastards – I really wanted Season 6 of Girls Next Door). Second, my parents could care less about a Black & Decker ReadyWrench (though I think it's kinda neat). And lastly, in a recession, you don't have to wait until Black Friday to get a hot deal.

Check this out – last Thursday, after an epic trip to Mickie James's favorite restaurant (Old Country Buffet), I stopped at the local Best Buy to test out DJ Hero. After punking a few of Boston's finest youth off of the machine (isn't there a YMCA they can buy drugs at?), I proceed to drop hot beats for the next hour. Man, I'm so fucking awesome sometimes.

Anyway, on the way out of Best Buy, I noticed a deal that was really too good to be true – a 40" Sony Bravia 1080p HDTV for $597. I was sold. If there was one thing that was missing in my life, it would be a nice flatscreen HDTV. For the last three years, I've been using a 30" boat anchor that failed to fulfill my HD needs. So I splurged and picked up the TV. So far it looks awesome and honestly, I am excited about watching Raw in HD for the first time. Here's hoping Mickie James doesn't break my picture though.

Heh…

Oh come on, fat jokes are funny.

No?

Well, um, at least Mickie James could finance a car through Eastern Motors – where her job is her credit!



God, living in Maryland has its perks sometimes.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

No ceilings, bitches.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that can't stop partyin', the Small-For-All News Report! In today's edition, we totally mail it in with an extended "Biten' Newsbites" segment, fail to recap Raw, fail to mention TNA, and make fun of Slimmer's grandmother! Oh and more Mickie James fat jokes than you can sneeze at!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

On Your Knees

Both the Big Show and Rey Mysterio were taken out at Survivor Series as both need knee surgeries. The Big Show is not supposed to miss much time while Rey hopes to be back for WrestleMania.

Yikes. Granted if the Big Show won't miss much time, there's no reason to take the titles off of JeriShow, unless they want to do a "Jericho's partners keep getting injured" storyline. Then again, if the WWE decides to tempt fate like that either Jericho will get injured or suffer an even worse injury. You know something like Jericho is at the dentist office getting a root canal. He is under medication and has his mouth wide open. While the dentist goes to do something, all of a sudden, toys from a mobile begin to fall from the ceiling into his mouth. Jericho is now choking on the toys until the dentist rescues him. After leaving the dentist, he hears birds, which triggers a running mechanism in Jericho as he would like to catch them. Unfortunately for Jericho, he runs under a piece of falling glass and becomes a bloody mess. Seriously, WWE, let's not tempt fate on this one.

In better news with the Big Show incapacitated for a short time, Jericho can at least try to challenge the Undertaker for the WWE Title. Unless of course, they go with the Batista. Because Batista vs. Taker in a TLC match wouldn't be interesting.

As for Rey's injury, honestly, it could not come at a better time. Batista needed to squash Rey at Survivor Series in order to build any sort of heel heat for him (not that it worked in his hometown). So it was always looking like Rey would have had a short time to heal his wounds. Now he's off for a few months and if built correctly, I could easily see this being a return match for WrestleMania.


Biten' Newsbites

Oh come on, it's the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, do you think anything worthwhile is actually happening in the WWE. Oh and the below has been stolen from all of your favorite sources.

Sources say that the WWE has been unhappy with Michael Cole's recent announcing. Critics feel that he is only trying to entertain himself and not push the product.

Oh noes, Michael Cole is in the doghouse. Judging by this, he either will be turning heel and become a manager or just replaced with…



Too bad Jeff Harvey is not around anymore.

CM Punk has been tasked with getting R-Truth into the main event level.

I don't even think the 4 Non Blondes would help R-Truth get to that level. Honestly, R-Truth is a great opening act but I just don't see as a future WWE SuperStar. Enjoy your demotion, Punk.

There's only a 50/50 chance that Edge will be back for WrestleMania.

Well, a Jericho vs. Edge match would indeed rule only if Edge is healthy. If he's not, then honestly, I hope the WWE does not rush it. Throw in the fact that the last time Edge returned after a long hiatus in 2004, he miraculously gained 20 pounds of muscle and was slower than Eugene. And if Edge goes this route again, then I really hope they save it for after WrestleMania.

The WWE is still unhappy with Mickie James weight.

Good thing Michelle McCool will set her straight… on a scale.




Slimmer's not the only one who has dinner with his grandmother. Currently, I have hopped off a plane in Illinois and will be taking Slimmer's grandmother out to the Olive Garden tonight. Due to this, I will not be watching this week's three-hour Monday Night Raw. Don't hate as the night might end up like this:



Either that or I actually would rather watch real sports this evening. I'll let you take your pick.

Now at this moment, you probably are pretty pissed that not only have I mailed the majority of this news report but also that I did not even attempt to watch Raw tonight. However, I do have something that will make it up to you.

Arise KHALI ARISE!!!



I haven't had to do one of these in a while as Khali is currently nursing an injury. However, a couple weeks ago, I saw a shocking picture of Khali that I just had to post. Unfortunately with my much needed vacation last week, this had to wait two weeks. Thankfully no one else around here really gives two shits about the Great Khali so I wasn't too worried about the wait.

Anyway, a lot of people might wonder what Khali does in his free time. Does he hunt wild boar with a stick? Yes. Does he feed off of virgin each night? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does he watch Wizards of Waverly Place? NO, HE DOESN'T WATCH WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE, HE'S AN ADULT!!!!

But he does shop here –



Yes the People of Walmart spotted the Great Khali buying 300 pounds of chicken for a nightly meal. And how appropriate for Khali to be spotted in front of the entire milk department as it's no secret that Khali drinks at least a gallon of milk a day. Speaking of which, he's probably buying toilet paper in bulk too. And hey as long as Khali does not purchase clothing at Wal-Mart, I can't blame him for shopping there. Plus there's no People of Target website so we will never know where else he goes.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Hogan Being Hogan

A recent Australian interview with Hulk Hogan led to the following nuggets:

"I know there are several people on the show - storyline-wise - who say they are part of TNA (management) such as Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett, but this situation is for real."

I'll agree with Hogan about Mick Foley but to immediately state that Jeff Jarrett was not part of management (especially after Jarrett signed Hogan the first time in TNA) is pretty silly. He would have been better to mention Jim Cornette, the Main Event Mafia, or any of the other rotating TNA figureheads.

"I'm gonna pick the whole wrestling business up and bodyslam it and whoever's not on my team - on Team Hogan at TNA - they're gonna be at the bottom of the pile."

Sounds like we will be having a Survivor Series match coming soon – Team Hogan vs. TNA Originals. Book it TNA!

"Well, the one thing I would change and I'm going to change is..I hate the writers. I cannot stand that they have a writing team sitting in the back telling the wrestlers what to say and telling the wrestlers what to do in the ring. That's one of the reasons why I went to TNA because the other promotion that's what they're all about - scripting the verbiage and scripting the matches and telling the wrestlers what to do."

This is probably the most refreshing thing that Hogan has said. Still, I cannot see Hulk Hogan cleaning house on a bunch of writers. Just because wrestlers could script their promos, not every wrestler is good at doing so. Sure the top guys do not need help, but writers definitely help the mid-carders and the lower carders who might not have much experience in doing so. Plus, is Hogan only doing this so he can hold the book?

"If these wrestlers can't talk and these wrestlers can't wrestle then they need to head for the door."

Uh, goodbye to the majority of X Division.

And I could go on and on. At the end of the day, Dixie Carter made a game-changing decision to go to Hulk Hogan. Will it work out? Only time will tell but rest assured, once Hogan returns from his Australian tour, business is going to pick up!

The Return of the Millennium Man

Last week, Pyscho Sid Promotions sent out an email stating that Sid was returning to TNA and there was nothing that the WWE could do. One week later, I can safely say that no one in TNA knows about this. In fact, I don't think anyone cares if Sid debuts in TNA. The guy should be thankful the doctors were able to fix his leg after he decided to do a BIG BOOT off of the top rope. A big fucking boot. Good thing there are six turnbuckles for him to practice on in the Impact Zone.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Yeah, this week wasn't that awesome. But you know what is:



Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!