The Wrestling Bard 11.29.09: 'Mania Odyssey Part IX

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 11.29.2009

This show was surreal, bizarre, over-the-top and ridiculous. And then Undertaker and Giant Gonzalez showed up. But some fourteen year-olds watched still watched it!

FUN WITH COMMENTS!

...is taken a back seat this week. Like most everyone else, I was busy celebrating multiple Thanksgivings this week and barely had time to finish this as is, much less check the old one for comments. I'll assume I got the usual amount of praise, and the usual amount of hatred. In the spirit of the Holiday, let me show my thanks for you readers. To the ones who enjoyed it, thank you for doing so. And to the ones who hate the column or me in general, thanks for the hits. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

And now it's time for the next Holiday!

GRINCH BREAK!



It is April 4, 1993. New President Bill Clinton is leading the United States through the scare of the World Trade Center Bombing. Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven was awarded Best Picture at the 65th Academy Awards. Perennial bridesmaids The Buffalo Bills lost the Super Bowl…again, this time to the Dallas Cowboys, 52-17. As for pro wrestling's equivalent, Wrestlemania IX featured a card that no one could have predicted a year before. Ric Flair was gone. Hogan was making a special comeback. The challenger for the WWF championship was a mastodon of a man named Yokozuna, a sumo wrestler from Japan. As for the champion? 6'1", 235 lbs of Canadian born and bred Bret "The Hitman" Hart, a technical marvel that had broken the glass ceiling created by Hogan and Warrior. Bret was a human being in a world of giants, and an inspiration to many people who doubted both Bret's chances at becoming champion and their own ability to succeed. Among them was fourteen year old John Sullivan.

John was over at David and Melissa Martens' house for the fourth time since Wrestlemania 8. He had basically become a part of the extended family of the Martens. David no longer considered him a wrestling buddy but just a good friend in general. As for Melissa, she had taken the role of teasing little sister. When she wasn't calling Johnny a nerd for watching wrestling, she was calling him Johnny, a nickname that John had abandoned at his birthday, declaring that he "wasn't a kid anymore." But she was never mean spirited or cruel about it, and John knew it was all in good fun.

"Good fun" was term that the WWF was stretching at the moment. Along with the shrinking of the size of the world champions (from Hogan and Warrior to Flair and Hart), came shrinking crowds. Instead of performing in a dome stadium, or even a respectable arena in a major city, they were performing in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, an arena that barely held more than 15,000 fans. Since they were in Caesar's Palace, WWF's usual pomp and pageantry was being taken to a degree that couldn't even be expressed in Roman Numerals. Respected veteran commentator Gorilla Monsoon was wearing a toga. So was the new announcer Jim Ross. Randy Savage, who had been a WWF Champion mere months ago, was accompanied to the ring by vestal virgins on his way to join Ross in the booth. Bobby Heenan came to the ring riding a camel…backwards. And Howard Finkel was "Finkus Maximus". With all of this going on, John and David were dreading Melissa walking in on them watching the show with the extra fire power.

Fortunately, Shawn Michaels had arrived, and allowed Johnny and David to breathe a sigh of relief. The Intercontinental Champion was a decent substitute for Ric Flair. David often expressed his admiration for Shawn's wrestling skills. John didn't have as high an opinion on him, but enjoyed watching him get beat up in much the same way he enjoyed watching Flair and Perfect get beat up, so he was still entertained. Tatanka was more than willing to provide an entertaining beatdown, and even though they weren't pleased with the disqualification finish, the boys were satisfied; Shawn had been beaten up, and escaped with his title.

The second match boosted John's spirits even further. The Steiner Brothers, one of his favorite teams from WCW, had now joined the WWF, and were tearing a hole through the tag team division. The brothers wore their letter jackets from the University of Michigan on the way to the ring, and wrestled in singlets. Playing up their amateur background would have been enough to earn John's favoritism, but the suplexes and clotheslines they demolished their opponents with certainly didn't hurt. As Scott caught one of the Headshrinkers with his signature Frankensteiner en route to victory, Johnny felt that this show was on its way to being a great show in spite of the togas.

And then Doink the Clown wrestled Crush, and beat him with a distraction from a second Doink the Clown in a rather boring match. And then Razor Ramon rolled up Bob Backland, proof that an amateur background wasn't enough to make John care about a wrestler, in short order. The double whammy of boredom was a cold, hard slap in the face of optimism. "Don't worry man, not everything is going to be great," said David. "Yeah, I suppose so," said John. But Johnny didn't really mean it; he remembered watching the first Wrestlemania on closed circuit television, and Wrestlemania three, and everything on those nights seemed special.

One of things that had made those ‘Manias special was Hulk Hogan and the memorable moments he created there; teaming with Mr. T, slamming Andre the Giant. So when it came time for the WWF Tag Team Championship match, John's negativity started to wane. Hulkamania had lost a bit of its luster amidst a steroid scandal, and his act had failed to captivate John a few years ago, but he was still Hulk Hogan making a rare special appearance. And as Hogan had his way with the symbols of greed, it did feel like those old Wrestlemanias all over again. But as the match wore on with little more than basic brawling, John was reminded of Wrestlemania VII, when he had first noticed his boredom. And when a referee came out to disqualify the challengers for hitting DiBiase and IRS with Beefcake's protective mask, it made the whole thing seem pointless. No matter how much Hogan posed for the crowd, John simply could not get into it.

Melissa walked into the room during Hogan's extended program, but Johnny hadn't noticed. Then she opened her mouth. "Oh look, the old bald guy is still wrestling. I thought he was a big movie star now, Johnny." "Would you stop calling me that!" yelled John. Melissa laughed manically, in an exaggerated cackle that would have put most Saturday Morning cartoon villains to shame. Still, with nothing better to do, Melissa jumped over the couch and sat between her brother and John.

The next thing that caught Johnny's attention was a legion of scantily clad women accompanying "The Narcissist" Lex Luger on his way to the ring. "Oh, now THIS is what I'm talking about!" David yelled in his exaggerated Ric Flair voice. "Oh yes, nothing will ever beat a bunch of blondes prancing around in bikinis!" chimed in Melissa. "This is the pinnacle of culture and entertainment!" "Right, like you aren't looking at Lex and his body," retorted her brother. "I am not. I have no use for a man that has a posse of blondes holding mirrors. Who cares if he has no fat? He's arrogant." "Hey, David, I thought we were here to watch wrestling, not stare at girls," interjected John. David glared at him. Melissa beamed.

Johnny was agreeing with Melissa because he didn't want to seem shallow, even though he was looking at the girls as well. He had been attracted to her since the day he met here, but had shied away from asking her out for numerous reasons. For starters, she was David's sister. Second, she was a grade below him, which is a significant difference when you are in eighth grade. Besides his increased success in amateur wrestling and the increased social status from being David's friend had created opportunities to start hanging out with girls who wouldn't have given him a second chance. Finally, she knew "The Secret". Behind the biceps and letter jacket, she knew John was still a wrestling nerd. The fact that he couldn't pretend to be cool around her made John feel awkward and uncomfortable. Still, if he could look like a chivalrous hero to her, it was better than nothing.

Melissa seemed to snap out of a trance. "Oh jeez. I'm stuck between a brother who only notices girls with bikinis and his best friend who would rather look at half-naked men than women. I don't know what's worse!" David laughed at John, but John wasn't bothered by it. He smiled and then watched Mr. Perfect try to get revenge on Lex. Unfortunately, it was not to be, as Luger won with his feet on the ropes. Just to make Perfect's night worse, he ran into the back and was assaulted by Shawn Michaels. "Hmm, well that should be good!" said David.

What followed was one of the most bizarre matches John and David had ever seen. For one, it was a match between a zombie mortician and an eight-foot man in a suit with muscles painted on it and conveniently paced fur. "I'm not even gonna say anything guys," chimed Melissa, and that's all that needed to be said about that. And as if that wasn't weird enough, the Undertaker was being completely dominated by the big man, something that John had never seen and had never even thought was possible. But here was Giant Gonzales, doing just that with little more than chokeholds. But as dominant as Gonzales was, he couldn't put Undertaker away and resorted to using a chloroform rag to put the Undertaker out and drawing a disqualification loss. But Undertaker would return from the back and take out the Giant with multiple clotheslines, showing that not even poison could keep him down for long.

Johnny looked at David, who was looking at Melissa. David looked at Johnny, and then Johnny and Melissa looked at each other. Then they all looked at the TV again. Not a word was spoken, but the message was loud and clear, "What the Hell did we just watch?"

After a strange and disappointing night, John was thankful for the main event. The size difference between champion and challenger created an extra layer to John's emotion investment in the match. No matter what, there was something special about watching a fighting champion face near impossible odds in order to defend that title. And if he was being honest, John hadn't felt that way about a match since Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. On paper, it seemed as if Bret had no chance. But this was wrestling, and this was Wrestlemania. John knew that nothing was impossible in those circumstances.

And while it was far from easy, it was clear that Bret could beat Yoko. He was in better condition, he was faster, and he was smarter. Whether it was tying up one of his massive legs in the ropes or flying off the tope with a bulldog or an elbow, Bret was able to keep the advantage. John didn't even mind Bret sending Yokozuna into the turnbuckles. Bret was smart, but not superhuman, and that's what he loved about him. And it seemed that humans could conquer giants as Bret locked in the Sharpshooter on the big man, and victory seemed seconds away.

And then, it was over. Mr. Fuji threw salt into Bret's eyes. Yokozuna pinned Bret. Yokozuna was the new champion. It didn't matter that it was Wrestlemania; size and strength and cheating had beaten out heart, work and intelligence. John and David looked at each other almost in a state of shock. John was reminded of the days when Andre and Undertaker got shocking, controversial wins over Hulk Hogan. But this was even more insane. Wrestlemania had ended with the good guy winning the main event for the last eight years.

And then, almost as if by fate, Hulk Hogan came out to help Bret Hart. And then, Yokozuna challenged Hogan to a match. Bret gave Hogan his blessing. In then, in mere seconds, Hogan avoided salt to the eyes and hit the big legdrop, and he was celebrating his fifth world title win. It was almost like a blur. If Undertaker vs. Gonzalez was bizarre, this unpredictable chain of events was surreal. In some ways, all was right again. For the ninth straight Wrestlemania, Hogan was celebrating at the end of it, posing for the audience. But if everything was right, why were John and David starting at each other in disbelief instead of jumping around wildly?

The reason was simple. Earlier in the show, Hogan had reminded the boys of why they had stopped caring for him in favor of more interesting, fresher faces like Bret Hart, Mr. Perfect, and Shawn Michaels. Minutes before, Bret had showed that strategy and heart were just as entertaining as Hogan's superhuman comebacks. But apparently, it wasn't as effective. Had this been Hogan facing Yokozuna, he would have won eventually, probably slamming the behemoth before pinning him. But Bret couldn't do it even after dominating the match with athleticism and intelligence. And then, here comes Hogan, beating in thirty seconds the man who Hart couldn't beat in ten minutes.

Part of John was happy. Part was disgusted. And all of him was very confused. This was certainly the most peculiar feeling he had ever had at the end of a Wrestlemania.

*****
To further show my gratitude for my readers, here's something with a little wider appeal than the typical Japanese Wrestling I provide, but it's still in Japan with a Japanese wrestler in it! MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Haha. Ha. Roll film.