The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 12.01.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.01.2009

Discussion of Rey Mysterio’s knee injury, ECW’s demise, WrestleMania 26 speculation, which WWE announcer lives the brand extension, the return of Angelina Love, a tale of the tape between legendary legends and much more!

Welcome All Of You all To My Dark Recesses
This Is Where I Keep The Bars Like Bathtub Edges…

I have a confession to make – I am a huge, Huge, HUGH G. fan of Twilight. I know, I know, shocking. Don't believe me – let's talk about how big of a fan I am of Twilight. First off, have I read the books? Duh, of course, I haven't. Reading's for dummies, kids. Second, have I seen the movies? Duh, of course, I have seen Twilight 1 and Twilight 2, both on opening night. I would have dressed up as my favorite character, Edward, but unfortunately, it's pretty fucking cold in New England to be standing outside a movie theatre without a shirt on. So rather, I put on my favorite vampire costume and blew at least two loads during the movie. Yup I loved the movie; having said that, I can understand why people would not like the movie.

First off, who wasn't bothered with the fact that there were a bunch of werewolves in the movie. Personally, I find werewolves to be stupid. And really does anyone actually like werewolves? It's doubtful. Hell, if people really loved furry killer creatures so much, then there would have been a remake of Critters by now.


Fuck Gremlins.

So even with the presence of werewolves (which BOTHERED me), I still give New Moon like a billion stars. Really, it was the best movie I've seen in the theatres since The Wrestler. And that movie had Marisa Tomei's naked boobies. That said, I refuse to post Marisa's boobies here. Having said that, I am a man of the people and will post my favorite set of creatures.


Hail Satan.

Ah nothing like a South Park joke to increase my hitz.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

It Takes Half of Your Bubble Bath To Match The Freshness

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that's ready for Thanksgiving 2010. Seriously is there a better holiday than Thanksgiving? The main purpose of the day is to eat other people's food, watch a lot of football, and fall asleep during their boring conversation (and not even get in trouble for it)! Plus, it's another reason for Canadians to be jealous of us Americans. Man, whoever thought of Thanksgiving should be given a medal (it was probably Kanye).

In today's news report, we talk about the rumored demise of ECW, dream of an epic battle between the two best big men in the world, speculate about WrestleMania 26 matches, gloss over TNA like usual, and most importantly, reveal which announcer really takes the brand extension seriously.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Dust in the Wind

Fresh off the presses, rumored demise of ECW. Yup, that's what pwINSider is reporting. Let's take a looksie: "Sources say that WWE may be implementing some major changes to regarding the ECW brand. Apparently the letters "ECW" may be gone soon.

WWE has been in talks with the SyFy network about the future of the ECW brand. WWE is planning a major re-branding and word is that WWE will still keep the 10pm time slot and may introduce a new TV show similar to WWE Superstars on WGN America."

Commence internet meltdown in 3…2…1. Honestly, are we really going to cry over the "New ECW." Considering there's nothing extreme about Tuesday nights and the ECW Championship has not been mentioned as a true World Championship in a long time, it might be a good thing for the WWE to get rid of the ECW brand. Think about it, immediately after any wrestler gets drafted to ECW, the IWC (and myself) truly thinks the person is either being buried or going to get a token run with the ECW Championship. And while ECW has done a good job with their cast of champions (think about it – Christian, Jack Swagger, Matt Hardy, Mark Henry, Kane, Chavo Guerrero, CM Punk, John Morrison, Bobby Lashley, Vince McMahon, The Big Show, Rob Van Dam – that's not a bad lineup), how many months is the belt not defended at a PPV? Even worse, outside of the December to Dismember PPV, I can't recall one time when the ECW Championship match was not treated as a curtain jerking/opening hour match on a PPV. Perhaps it is a good time for Christian and Shelton Benjamin to have a show-stealing match at TLC and then retire the belt for good.

Seriously, the WWE would be better served introducing a show similar to WWE Superstars. Think Raw and Smackdown are too overcrowded already? BULLSHIT. Raw struggles to fill two hours without copious guest host segments and a time wasting Hornswoggle/Chavo segment. Even Smackdown could trim some fat with the WWE Divas segments (I swear that wasn't a shot at Mickie James) and the ridiculous amount of Cryme Tyme/Hart Foundation matches. Move half of the brand to Raw/half to Smackdown and make ECW into another Heat/Velocity type of show. Raw and Smackdown would gain from additional up and comers while the new Tuesday Night Delight would allow a few more midcarders a chance to gain more exposure. Hell, the ratings would probably not even change.

Get Off Your Knees Boy!

Last week, I mentioned that Rey Mysterio would have been having a quick-fix surgery in hopes to return to the WWE in time for WrestleMania. Turns out that Mysterio is ready to return in time for next week's Smackdown. What gives?

Well it appears that one of three things could have happened:

a) Mysterio has decided to forego surgery in hope that his knees don't shatter before WrestleMania
b) Mysterio has decided to be punked out even more like a bitch to Batista next week and will then get the quick-fix surgery
c) Mysterio is currently rehabbing from the ultimate quick fix - installing slinkies in his knees… or testicles (because those stretch quite well and help you dunk)

Personally, I hope the WWE has a good plan for why Mysterio is back so quick. They can't afford to have Mysterio beat Batista next week or else Big Dave will be the lamest duck challenger since Randy Orton. But at the same time, if they are only bringing Mysterio back next week for him to get punked out again, I'm not sure if that's necessary. Batista had a nice beatdown at Survivor Series. What's he going to do this time? Throw him down a flight of stairs?

WrestleMania 26 Speculation

From pwINSider, "There is a feeling in WWE that something 'special' needs to be done with The Undertaker for WrestleMania 26 this year, and more importantly something fresh that the fans haven't seen before. This is why the potential match with John Cena is being touted at the moment.

- There is also talk of a Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels match at WrestleMania 26. As often as the pair have wrestled each other, they have never had a match on a WrestleMania stage and it is something that has been talked about over the last 2 months.

- At one point, there had been a plan for a CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio match at WrestleMania 26, but this is unlikely to happen now considering Mysterio's injury problems."

Let's take these one at a time. First, it's imperative that Cena vs. the Undertaker is done this year due to the fact that there really isn't anyone else credible to fight the Undertaker; having said that, Batista vs. Cena could be a suitable matchup too. However, if you do Tista vs. Cena, that leaves a gaping hole for the Undertaker. Triple H vs. Taker would have some suspense except for the fact that the build wouldn't be anything special and while Taker vs. Jericho would be a good match, the outcome clearly is not in question. Do Taker vs. Jericho this year and then spend a year building up someone (either a monster or a cocky heel) to go after Taker next year.

Triple H vs. HBK would make a great Mania match too. Plus, it's an easy match to build to. After teasing a breakup at SurSer, the WWE has two ways to get to this match. They could go the SWERVE © way with one of the members attacking their partner at the end of the TLC match against JeriShow (personally I hope for a HBK SCM on HHH). Then they could eliminate each other at the Rumble and both fail to win the title at Elimination Chamber. Voila. Or the WWE could go with a slow burn by having more dissention with a TLC loss, followed by one accidentally eliminating the other at the Rumble, and a full scale heel turn for one member in February. Either way works for me. Oh and you know that Triple H totally needs his win back from Summerslam 2002.

As for Punk vs. Mysterio, that would be a hot matchup if the WWE decides to blow off Mysterio/Batista before WrestleMania (with a stretcher angle next week, they could easily continue the Batista/Mysterio feud to WrestleMania). Punk and Mysterio have good chemistry (see their match at last year's Armaggedon) and would make a hot opener for Mania. In addition, Punk's had too good of a year to not have a storyline for Mania (my fantasy card on the message board has him in MITB since I couldn't find anything for him to do).

Well, whatever happens, it seems as if the WWE has better plans in place for this year's edition compared to last year's Anniversary edition.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

The current plan is for Drew McIntyre to feud with John Morrison.

Obviously since really who else is left? The Miz and Sheamus are being pushed on Raw. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are kicking up dirt. So who else is there? Eric Escobar? Puh-leeze.

On RAW this past week, both Jerry Lawler and Jesse Ventura were given "cheat sheets" with photos of the Superstars in the different matches. In Lawler's case, he doesn't watch ECW or SmackDown and Ventura didn't really know anyone besides the top guys.

I find it hilarious that Jerry Lawler takes the brand extension seriously. I bet when the WWE has to give statistics on how many people watch each brand, they probably go first to Lawler. That said, I shouldn't laugh too much since I only really watch Raw weekly. But then again, I don't need cheat sheets to tell me the difference between R-Truth and Slam Master J.

New Diva alert – Jillian Beyor has signed a deal with the WWE. Jillian is best known for her spreads in Playboy and also a short stint on Beauty and the Geek.

Here's hoping someone keeps her away from Batista.




I hate to do this but this will be the second straight week that I am not watching Monday Night Raw. Unlike last week when I decided to skip Raw in order to take Slimmer's grandmother to the Olive Garden in hopes for some sweet lovin', this week, I decided to skip Raw in order to take Slimmer's grandmother to an even fancier place – Red Lobster baby. Because honestly, when you want to impress a lady, you have got to feed her with some of those delicious Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Just don't let dem hoez order strawberry lemonades and popcorn shrimp – they ain't gonna do nothing but try to take all your motherfucking cheese!

So yes, either I'm currently nailin' Slimmer's grandmother while reading "Going Rogue: the Sarah Palin Story" or that I chose to watch the Saints/Patriots game. I'll let you decide.

Now at this moment you are probably pissed off that I skipped another week of a Raw recap. And just like last week, I do have one thing to cheer you up.

Arise KHALI ARISE!!!



This comes straight from the 411 main page and the ensuing comments. "Jorge "El Gigante/Giant" Gonzales has been announced for the May Legends of the Ring convention in Monroe, NJ. Gonzales has been living in Argentina, and has been in poor health due to a battle with diabetes. The event will be his first wrestling related appearance in many years."

So of course, 411's loyal Smallophiles (and commenters) wondered whether a Dream Match is in the works between Giant Gonzales and the Great Khali in the WWE. Well even though that match would easily sell a WrestleMania by itself, we have no way of knowing whether the WWE wants a man with diabetes to be wrestling in their ring. Considering the Giant Gonzales might look like something like this:


Diabeetus

With there being too much uncertainty on a Giant vs. Great matchup, leave it to the Khali-For-All to break it down with a Tale of the Tape.



Name: The Great Khali
Height: 7' 3"
Weight: 420 lbs
Trademark Moves: Chop of Doom, Punjabi Plunge, Shooting Star Press, Khali Brain Squeeze
Notable Titles Won: World Heavyweight Champion (1 Time)
Weaknesses: Chickens, virgins, Sony PSP



Name: Giant Gonzales
Height: 8'
Weight: 460 lbs
Trademark Moves: Chokeslam, The Claw, 619
Notable Titles Won: Drafted in the NBA (Atlanta Hawks, 3rd round)
Weaknesses: Failure to produce enough insulin, The Undertaker

Who Would Win?

Well clearly this is a very tough matchup. While Gonzales has a height and weight advantage, Khali is very quick for a Punjabi Playboy. I expect Khali's speed to be too much for Gonzales who will probably be caught off guard with a possible Chop of Doom. Having said that, if Gonzales uses the claw (or perhaps chloroform) to slow down Khali, then he would have the advantage. Of course, the wild card is Gonzales's diabetes because if he suffers any symptom (blurred vision, nausea, hyperventilation) during the match, I can't see a good outcome for Gonzales. You have to remember Khali once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

FLYING FOREARM

AJ Styles was recently interviewed by 91.3FM in Perth, Australia. Here are some choice excerpts from that interview.

On whether there will be another Monday Night War: ""Absolutely. One day it will happen, there's no doubt about it. I know we can run with them.""

I love AJ's optimism but I do not think the popular culture is ready for another Monday Night Raw. What happened in 1998 & 1999 was special because wrestling was seen as "cool" and "hip" in pop culture. Once that disappeared by 2001, the entire audience who watched sports entertainment began to shrink to the levels we are at today. In order for there to be another Monday Night War, I think it will be necessitated by pop culture not by the brand.

On what is holding TNA back from competing with the WWE: ""A lot of things (wrong) are our production issues. The reason why WWE is out there and so big and been there so long and their production is very expensive. We're working our way up there to get to that point. We just don't have the money they do."

That's a very legit reason Styles gives. While TNA's production values have increased tenfold since their start in Nashville, they still have a way to go to compete with the WWE. There have been many times in the past where a high spot or even the finish to a match has been missed due to poor camera angles or replays being shown. That cannot happen if TNA does not want to look second rate compared to the highly stylized WWE.

On which WWE superstars would Styles like to see in TNA: "Rey Mysterio, Shawn Michaels, Shelton Benjamin, Christian and Evan Bourne"

Good choices from Styles even though I cannot see Christian ever returning to TNA. Nor for that matter would I ever believe that HBK would jump ship to TNA. The rest would not surprise me as I have a feeling that Rey is going to continue to wrestle for any payday even after his knees are shot, Shelton might join if he ever gets sick of being a mid-carder in the WWE (not saying that he would get any better of a push in TNA), and Bourne would make a good addition to the X Division since he's being wasted on Raw.

Overall, good interview from AJ Styles.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Mick Foley's new book "Countdown to Lockdown" is scheduled to be released in Fall of 2010. The book will chronicle the events leading up to Foley's championship win at Lockdown 2009.

If Foley's new book is like his first two, I might have a desire to read it. Of course it remains to be seen whether this book could hit the New York Times Bestsellers list without the WWE machine behind it.

Angelina Love was telling people at the PCW Thanksgiving Turmoil show this past Saturday that she will be returning to TNA soon. Angelina reunited with former tag team partner Velvet Sky at the PCW show.

Well if true, I guess I can start posting new Angelina Love pictures again. Like this one:




COMING ATTRACTIONS

It's been a long time since I've answered any mail so stay tuned for the malebag next week. That is unless Slimmer sends me another "War and Peace." Which segment will be back? Find out next week! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!