Match A Day 12.03.09: Week 33 - Why TNA Sucks, Among Other Things

Posted by Jake Chambers on 12.03.2009

Reasons why TNA and their fans are such idiots, taking lucha libre seriously, KENTA easily in the lead for wrestler of the year, and more!

Welcome to Week 33 of Match A Day! The pro-wrestling column that challenges one man to stand up to the mediocrity of the pro-wrestling world and watch matches on his own terms. That man is Jake Chambers and he is me.

Much like another trailblazer, former Chicago Bulls legend Scottie Pippen, I too have taken myself out of the game to sit on the bench in crunch time. In Scottie's case, the coach was calling a buzzer beating play where the ball would not end up in his hands for the game winning shot, so he decided (and rightly so) that he wasn't going to play. If you have the greatest active player in the game (Michael Jordan was retired at that time), and he wants to shoot it, you give him the ball, not Tony Kukoc (who I loved, and he made the shot anyways… but that's not the point). The mainstream American wrestling world has never been in a better position than now to present some of the best wrestling possible to the widest audience, as WWE and TNA both have incredible rosters and insane amounts of television time. Yet, both companies continue to commit horrible, insulting and nearly criminal acts of wrestling quality rape-age on the asses of goodwill and loyalty created in lifelong Wrestlemania era adult fans like me, simply for the lazy sake of making the most amount of money from the least amount of effort. Well, I'm sitting on the fucking bench then, I'll watch the crap they're producing when I have time, but I'm certainly not going to play their regular game!

And now MAD Week 33 can begin…



Match# 220 – Sunday, November 8th
Team 3-D & Beer Money vs. Scott Steiner, Booker T & British Invasion
[TNA Impact, August 2009]

What the fuck, here's the best way to get back into things after a stint on the stupid shelf, a TNA match! This was supposedly a great match that a friend taped for me from the summer… hmmm… let's see about that.

First thing I noticed was the huge advertisement for the Stacker 2 "6 Hour Power" energy shot plastered across the floor of the ring, or should I say, whore of the ring! I step away from TNA for a few months, and I come back expecting to see the Dudley's and Scott Steiner still considered main event caliber jokes, but selling the floor of the ring like a billboard, that just takes things in TNA to a whole new low!



I knew TNA fans were puppets, but the management has got to have the no possible fucking respect for them at this point. Stacker 2, like what the fuck is that? "Well, you love shit wrestling so much you're gonna be compelled to drink a work-out energy drink after watching those awkwardly enhanced muscles of D'von and Steiner blasting away at half speed for ten minutes!" Yeah, looks like a lot of those weasely douchebags in the TNA ringside pit area really need a lot of Stacker 2, but hell, they could probably sell ‘Loser Cream' in their ring mat advertisements and those yokel, applause puppets would buy that too (more on them later!).

Sure, sure, I do love Japanese wrestling, and yes they stick advertisements wherever they can, but before you go and call me out for being a hypocrite… well, actually, just go ahead. I'm not going to go into the logistics of it all, but if you don't understand why it's different economically let's just reserve the right for me to think you're a moron and for you to call me more brilliantly hilarious names.

This really looks pathetic for TNA, a big, fat pointless ad in the middle of the ring. What's next? Signing Hulk Hogan… oh shit, whoops!

How about the actual match? Well, let's just say that motherfucker who recommended it to me if off my Kwanzaa card list!'

Match #221 – Monday, November 9th
Corvis Fear vs. Zane Silver
[BEYOND Wrestling, September 2009]

Are you ready for a little bit of BEYOND Wrestling? The hottest free wrestling promotion on the Internet! You damn well better be when Silver and Fear are involved, unless of course, you prefer shitty wrestling that you have to pay for.



You're damn right! That's only the first four minutes of a free wrestling match; a wrestling match that already has me intrigued and excited, unlike that crap I watched yesterday that had me clutching for my switchblade after four minutes so I could perform honorable seppuku on my eyes before I was humiliated by choking to death on my own bore vomit in front of a TNA match. If you wanna see the rest of this absolute epic (we're talking Match of the Year caliber stuff here) and more of these awesome free weekly matches, get over to the Beyond Wrestling YouTube site

After watching a TNA match first, I can promise that one of the best parts of the BEYOND concept is having no audience!

Match #222 – Tuesday, November 10th
GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title Match: KENTA vs. Davey Richards
[ROH Supercard of Honor IV, March 2009]

KENTA still continues to be the best wrestler in the world, in my opinion, for the second straight year, and he continues to prove it in matches like this, in front of unique audiences, finding ways to adapt his style to his opponent and environment in order to stand out as the best wrestler on the show.



Davey Richards is no slouch either, as his work in 2009 has also been top notch, and much like KENTA, displaying his power as both a singles and tag team wrestler to such impressive results. So when they locked up in this match, it was guaranteed to be phenomenal.

That being said, if you've seen this match on DVD you might have been wow-ed by the Torture Rack flipped into a GTS by KENTA in the end, but to those who were there live, was that real? On DVD it looks very edited, and you can't actually see him flip Richards in the air? To me, it looked like a cut and paste job! Was that real?

Match #223 – Wednesday, November 11th
AAA Mega-Championship Match: Dr. Wagner Jr. vs. El Mesias
[AAA Heroes en Inmortale, September 2009]

AAA has been trying to fabricate a gothed-up version of the Attitude Era for years now, and Wagner has finally brought them the Stone Cold legitimacy to the main event scene that they always lacked. Wagner, in his feud with Mesias, has produced the first series of epic, intense, main event single matches I've seen in Mexican wrestling in over a decade.



Another amazing thing that Dr. Wagner does is somehow bring a sense of expression to his inanimate mask. The dudes like Spider-Man when it comes to transferring emotion into a mask.

Match #224 – Thursday, November 12th
KENTA vs. Katsuhiko Nakajima
[Pro-Wrestling NOAH, October 2009]

Seeing the armpit hair on both guys in this outstanding 30-minute draw really made me rethink a previous MAD where I wondered why it seemed like only the ‘young boys' had hairy pits, and hypothesized that shaving them was some sort of rite of passage in Japanese pro-wrestling culture. Obviously not in this case, and I've noticed it a lot in the Japanese wrestling I've seen this year, and even some US wrestling. These guys are not shaving their armpits any more I'm conflicted as to whether or not I think this is a good thing, and if I should continue to shave mine! I thought it was good in the summer, when it was super humid, but now that the winter has overtaken me, isn't it time to stop shaving my armpits? Doesn't it seem less gay somehow when the wrestlers don't shave their armpits?

Match #225 – Friday, November 13th
ROH World Title Match: Nigel McGuiness vs. Jerry Lynn
[ROH Supercard of Honor IV, March 2009]

How much of Nigel's supposed double bicep tear was believable in this match that finally ended Nigel's "injury" prone, lengthy title reign. In wrestling, how much is really real? I mean, it looked real that his arms were nearly pinned to his side the whole time, and the months of set up were well planned, but why would it be anymore realistic than the planned chokeslam into the spotlight that injured John Cena for a couple of weeks following Backlash this year? I mean, Nigel has wrestled again this year, a few months after this in fact, so how is that possible with two torn biceps muscles? If the injury angle was just a work to help justify Nigel losing the title, than it was well done by Ring of Honor, yet arguably if that's so, it makes for less interesting wrestling than matches between two healthy wrestlers.

What I'm saying is, although fake injury angles, do give the bookers an easy out, and are a great place for wrestlers to display some of their acting talent, they are really a cheap way to rob the fans of the best possible match.

Match #226 – Saturday, November 14th
Lethal Lockdown Match: Team 3-D & Beer Money vs. Scott Steiner, Booker T & British Invasion
[TNA No Surrender, August 2009]

Can I ask a question here? I mean, I don't read online commentaries anymore, and I rarely read anything about TNA even when I did, so I apologize if this has been a hotly debated subject in the past, but can somebody please tell me what the fuck is wrong with those idiot fans at the TNA Impact Zone?

Who are these people? Where do they come from? Are they the same people every week? And most importantly, why aren't they ashamed of themselves?

When watching this match, I had to wonder why these people were so impressed by a double suplex by Beer Money on Brutus Magnus on the top of the cage roof? This was followed by a "T-N-A" chant, and then a "This-Is-Awe-Some" chant that seemed like adding a ‘cocksucker' to a ‘fuck you' at a funeral speech. The suplex was standard fare, done in a completely safe, yet elevated location, and similar moves have been repeated regularly, even in TNA, for years and years.

Once a collective has spontaneously chanted "This-Is-Awe-Some" for a match of this low quality, when nothing objectively awesome has happened, including that miraculously standard looking suplex on the top of the way-too-safe looking solid cage roof… it's just a sign of the death of language at that point. Do these fucking idiots walk down the street chanting "This-Is-Awe-Some" when a person successfully opens an umbrella or avoids a puddle?

I found myself scratching my head wondering just what the fuck these people are flipping out over? Are they trying to get on TV? Is that why they are hyperbolizing? Maybe this is all some genius ploy to get a reality show on Spike TV based on moron crowd rehab? After the show, they can't be on their way home in the back of the bus talking super loudly about how amazing that suplex was, how brutal this match was and how it's going to go down in history… can they? I mean, this match certainly is the kind that I would hope to inspire such passion, but more like passion to revolt against the crap you've just wasted your time watching and has insulted all that is good about the concept of pro-wrestling that you supposedly claim to love.

You know who these guys are, they're those pieces of shit at every live wrestling card who start randomly shouting out old-school wrestler names in some kind of comedic, nah-nah bravado… like oooh, I made a couple of people laugh because I can yell out ‘The Heavenly Bodies' or 'Damien Demento' for no reason, rather than actually watch the wrestling like you would suppose a fan who is so learned would actually want to do. The Impact Zone is like if you collected 150 of those douche bags and pumped them full of energy drinks and told them that they ‘might' get on TV if they acted as cool as they can (knowing of course their idea of cool is fucking retarded and ruins it for the tea drinking, steak eating, truly sophisticated fans like myself). Congratulations, you're on TV… good for you!

And Taz… oh Taz. I mean, I get it, it's a job and you're paid to talk up this shit like it's the best thing ever, and I get that it was probably lame sometimes in the WWE too, but to hear him doing such a hack job selling this crap, alongside the phoniest, commentator of all time, Mike Tenay, I just hope he's happy and providing well for his family and all that, because how he'll ever be able to look at the body of work he's responsible for here as a commentator (a rhetorical art form unto itself) and be proud of himself. That's just impossible! That's like imaging Robert DeNiro or Al Pacino will ever re-watch any of the movies they made in the last decade and be satisfied.

Of course, we all understand that Taz, the man who could kill a fucking camera with just a couple of words and a deadly stare, just like DeNiro and Pacino, didn't get the millions he deserved for the groundbreaking stuff he was responsible for, but hearing him do his quasi-Degeneres, half-clueless, half-hipster, exaggerated talk up to a shit job of a match is just depressing… and depressing for much more than his role here, or even for pro-wrestling, but depressing for the state of the world in general, and just how deeply embedded we all are in a culture that rewards hollow sales pitches and nonsense business smarts that are all merely illusions for letting rich people shift their own money from place to place, while shitting on true artistry and talent just because it doesn't "sell" … when the truth is… nothing fucking sells! TV ratings points don't mean shit! Less people are watching TNA Impact in total than could possibly sustain all the money that's being spent to produce this crap, no matter how much the fucking morons in the audience suck the cock of the producers and blindly shill for their horrendous product! At least Taz is getting some money for his betrayal of all things decent, but what excuse does the live audience have?

Don't you get it, you Impact Zone buffoons? This garbage you're zombied out over is perpetrating a culture of idiocy and before you know it, the Chinese will have listening devices in all of our rooms, with lasers pointing at us from satellites that are ready to disintegrate us for any dissenting statements, and nobody is gonna know how that happened or what to do about it, because we all let crap filter into crap until no one could tell the difference anymore! Well, don't worry MAD fans, Jake Chambers is back, and I'm itching to give you the real information, the real talk, and spit in the face of these fucktards in and around TNA that are too neutered to even know they're fucking themselves in the ass without a cock!