The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 12.08.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.08.2009

New Malebag Covering Topics Asked By You, Steroids Don’t Help Performance in the WWE, Goodbye Umaga, Batista Xplodes, Upcoming Raw Guest Hosts, TNA’s Big Shot, and The First Raw Recap in a Month!!!

It's been a long time coming… Hell, I don't think I've answered any emails in at least a month. Not counting Slimmer's feeble attempt at a Deucebag, of course. So in lieu of current events and of the fact that I'm sick of bashing a Smallophile, we are now at v.4 of the malebag. Introducing…



Yes ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Small-For-All FEmalebag! Don't worry, I am still answering all of your male. But if things with Slimmer's grandmother keeps picking up, perhaps she will take over the femalebag. Since you know, she has a vagina et al.

Of note, the majority of this feedback is from the last two news reports. I figured no one cares about topics from four weeks ago.

On Triple H not getting his win back from HBK

From reader The Dutch, "You do realize how many wins HHH has over HBK since 2002 right."

You must be new around here. Yes, kids, I do realize that HHH has beaten HBK a few times since SummerSlam 2002, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again at WM26. And really, who here wants to be remember their anti-classic Hell in the Cell match?

New ECW

From reader shio, "the idea of making ECW into a show akin to Heat or Velocity is ultimately counterproductive to making new stars. How many stars have heat or velocity made? ZERO. because the performers were always treated as lower midcard jobbers. ECW recreates the feeling of a star performers being 'big fish in a small pond' similar to rooting for favorite indy wrestlers. If Christian went to RAW after he came back from TNA he'd MAYBE have a token shot at the World title on RAW, only to lose and be sent packing back to the mid-card, like Jericho when he returned from Hiatus. ECW gives the perception that Christian is championship quality material, so from there, the transition into upper-midcard territory is less questioned, and from the upper-midcard on RAW or SD they can organically rise to the main event like Punk and to an extent Morrison. if WWE do as what the article suggests and put their new stars starting off on the big shows, we'll get unnatural rises in the mid-card to fill spots in the upper-midcard due to lack of credible challengers. for example, did anyone take Sheamus seriously when he suddenly went from jobber-squasher to challenging Cena for the world title? Now how about when Swagger fresh from his ECW run had that singles match against Cena? see how the current incarnation of ECW has a place in WWE programming?"

God I hate it when the readers make sense. Listen, all of you need to start drinking my kool-aid or else, we will go through castrations again! Seriously though, shio you do bring up good points about the benefits of the ECW brand. Having said that, nobody is watching the current ECW brand right now. With ratings around a 1.0, it's no better than what a Superstars show is doing. So why should the WWE spend the money creating a distinct third brand when no one watches it. I'm not saying nobody cares; rather, I think the majority of the "fans" of the current ECW follow the show either by streaming it online or by reading an ECW report. The same can be done with a Superstars-esque show or even on Raw or Smackdown. ECW is just spinning its wheels right now (how slapped together is the Christian/Benjamin feud) and should be put out of its misery. Then you could book the Abraham Washington show or even have Hurricane vs. Masked Burchill on the new Superstars/Heat/Velocity program. Just because the WWE fucked up Heat and Velocity the first time, does not mean they will make the same mistake twice.

Yawn, Canada

From guest#5586, "Why would Canada be jealous of the US for Thanksgiving? We have our own Thanksgiving in October and then take advantage of the sales in the US for their Thanksgiving. Match Point Canada!"

Uh, because Canada sucks??? Well at least until WrestleMania 27.

TNA Roster Moves

In regards to Christian "never returning to TNA."

From Jimbob Jones, "I don't know about this. Christian didn't leave TNA in a bad way (unlike a certain Booker T) -- by all accounts, he just felt he was being mishandled a bit. And, with the MEM storyline brewing, he really didn't have a lot to do, since he didn't really fit well with either group. If he ends up getting lost in the shuffle again in WWE (such as if WWECW goes the way of the first ECW and he gets tired of being HHH's bitch), I could see him going back to TNA to a good push. Whether or not they'll need him at the time is another matter (since hopefully they're actually pushing their home-grown talent for good now, though I'll wait and see)."

First off, when has Christian ever been HHH's bitch? Christian only hit his head on the glass ceiling in the Spring of 2005 when he was denied a main event push against Cena that he totally deserved. At that time, Triple H was feuding with Batista and then took a few months off. Now by the Kevin Bacon transitive property, I guess you could find a claim of HHH's awesome burial skills but I think that's a stretch. Speaking of stretches, TNA is actually pushing their homegrown talent?!? Did you see who they just brought in?

Help me out, Poi, "Thank god A.J.'S not making the calls. This is why we are lucky as fans to have the Hulkster calling the shots. Instead of those nobody's (like styles himself) Hogan will bring in names people care about: Kamala, Zodiac, The Yeti, The Disciple, Rodzilla, The Booty Man, Glacier,Brother Bruti, Ernest "the cat" miller, The Butcher, Disco Inferno, The clipsmaster, Marc Mero, The man with no name, Roadblock, and of course Brutus the barber Beefcake. Now thats a fucking lineup."

Don't forget the Nasty Boyz. I can just see it now - Bound for Glory 2010's main event – Rodzilla vs. Mr. Not So Perfect! Now if only Hogan could bring back Jenna Morasca to feud with Trishelle.

Mysterio feud

From Indianguy, "Maybe Mysterio is back for KAWAL!!!! they have been doing dark matches with Lo Ki .. Maybe it is time for the Anti Mysterio to debut :D"

Look I'm no comic book guy, so would Anti Mysterio be the same as Rey Mysterio except that he dresses in opposite colors. Having said that, no matter what kind of storyline the WWE wants to use, I think we can all agree that Mysterio vs. Kaval could be a great match.

And one to go out on…

From Polish Post, "Good read this week, Small. You actually brought it with the news!"

Yeah honestly, last week was quite newstastic. That's not going to be the norm though I am working on a truly groundbreaking segment that will forever change the face of sports entertainment. Want a hint? Let me just say that I've figured out why ROH's Colt Cabana looks a lot like WWE's Scotty Goldman! And it's more than you think!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Because they are brothers (who are both fucking Natalie Portman)!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that is only slightly less boring than E!'s "Holly's World", the Small-For-All News Report! And seriously was that show boring last night. While I love my celebreality on VH1 and E!, I hate the fact that E! was sneaky enough to debut Holly's World right after the finale of the new Girls Next Door. At least, I did not have to stay up another hour to keep up with those krazy kardashians. And seriously if you question why I watch "Holly's World", let me just say that I would not be surprised if she decided to become a wrestler at some point in her life. She already has the funbags to do so.

In today's news report, we say goodbye to Umaga and the WWE's steroid problems, say hello to the newest bestselling WWE DVD, and speculate on some of the big shots that Hogan will be bringing in to TNA! All this and I watch Raw for the first time in three weeks!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWER S

No ‘Roids

In a recent interview with political website TheHill.com, Linda McMahon stated the following:

the WWE had a serious steroid problem in 2006

The Wellness Policy is as good as it can be.

Steroids do nothing to enhance performance in the WWE as it's mostly about charisma which is not impacted by steroids

Oh man, where do I begin? First off, while it sucked that it took the death of Eddie Guerrero in order for the WWE to implement a Wellness Policy, I am glad that they did. Wrestlers' physiques have shrunken drastically since 2006 and there have been a lot less wellness failures recently in the last year.

Second, I am glad that Linda McMahon stated that the WWE had a steroids problem. Of course, if she was still linked to the WWE, I doubt we would ever hear this statement. But now, with her Senate run under attack, she needs to deflect any negative attention elsewhere, even to her former occupation.

Now here's where it gets sticky – Linda's claim that steroids do nothing to enhance performance in the WWE. This I do not believe. Now while charisma is very important in the WWE, the main focus for the longest time was on a wrestler's physique. Monsters with little charisma were pushed throughout the Hogan, HBK, Stone Cold, and even the John Cena era. Guys like Chris Masters and Rob Conway received pushes based on their physique. Even now, you rarely see an out of shape wrestler in the WWE. Hell, even Divas are pushed based on their appearance – just ask Piggy James. In a business focused on image, it's bullshit to think that steroids do nothing to enhance a wrestler's performance. Unless you are Big Daddy V.

In summary, things have gotten a lot better in the WWE. However, there's still a long way to go and plenty of wrestlers who might still be addicted to performance enhancers, painkillers, and the dreaded maryjane.

Biten Newsbites

I'm having a really hard time being motivated this week and sadly this week's edition of Raw isn't helping. Neither is Slimmer not sending me another wall of text. So when I'm stuck in this state, let's see if rapid fire news pieces can cheer me back up. If not, skip to the end as I probably have something better in the pipeline for next week.

Umaga died this past Friday after suffering a heart attack.

While I was never a big Umaga fan, I am very sad at him dying at such a young age. I am curious to see what will be found in the autopsy as there is no reason why a 36 year old man should no longer be with us.

The WWE will be releasing a three disc Top 25 Shawn Michaels matches DVD on March 9th.

Oh baby, now this is an easy addition to my already too large WWE DVD collection. Let's see we can expect some Rockers matches, Shawn's first reign as WWE champion (Vader, Sid, Mankind), DX Shawn, Shawn's miraculous comeback in 2002, the entire Chris Jericho vs. HBK feud, and most importantly, HBK's best match from 2009 – against JBL at No Way Out. Now if only the WWE could do similar DVDs with all of their workhorses.

Napoleon Dynamite and Nash Bridges will be co-hosting the January 18th edition of Raw.

I would be totally more interested had the WWE booked both sidekicks in each of the hosts' respective series. C'mon Pedro + Cheech = money.

Batista was in the Philippians this past weekend helping out at the launch of the energy drink Xplode.

Insert your own funny joke here.

Vladimir Kozlov is an American citizen.

Now he can purchase non-dairy creamer with a credit card!




So after two weeks of amazing tantric sex, I have taken a week off from boning Slimmer's grandmother. Hell, I think it's better for the both of us as I do not even want to know how many Gaterades she needs to drink to bring up her electrolyte level. Yes, I am that damn good. If you want to rate me on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being pimp, I would easily rate as high as Jake from his Booty Call series (man, I miss romp.com). So with myself back to my old stomping grounds for a least a week, I figured I might as well watch Raw once again.

I have to say that watching Raw in HD is quite impressive. Even the Nickelback song does not sound nearly as bad in HD. Sadly Cena squash matches are just as bad.

Oh man, kudos to the WWE for remembering Survivor Series 2003. It's crazy seeing Randy Orton with hair. Seriously, the bald look does wonders for some people.

I love how Cuban's NBA cronies did not even attempt to try to fight Legacy. And really Mark, if you hate Legacy so much, wouldn't you assign them tougher opponents than Primo and Evan Bourne?

Having said that (which btw, is my new favorite phrase), I'm glad that the WWE finally placed Evan Bourne in a tag team. And unlike other superstars, Evan can play either Ricky Morton (due to his size) or the other guy (due to his moveset). While I'm not totally sold on Primo and Bourne as a tag team (why did they break up the Colons again?), it's better than watching Bourne compete against Jack Swagger.

Yes, a Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse feud! Now that's feud I can sink my teeth into.

Oh man, the DX vs. Hornswoggle feud just continues to get worse and worse. Now DX has to pretend to be laid out from a crossbody. Two former champions are relegated to this drivel. Hate Triple H all you want but admit that he's at least a trooper for going through with this shit.

I question the intent of doing Kofi vs. Orton two weeks in a row when there's a PPV this coming Sunday but I do appreciate the screwy finish. As for the match, it's nice to see Orton and Kofi have better chemistry than Orton and Triple H do. And there we go – the rubber match at TLC.

Surprisingly clean win for the Miz. But when is MVP going to turn on Mark Henry? And don't acted surprised since you know it's going to happen.

Eve & Hornswoggle vs. Chavo & Jillian. Kill me now, WWE. Though Eve's pin was quite spectacular.

A face turn for Chris Masters. And the fans cheer for the Masterlock. Kill me now.

A two on one beatdown for DX. Seems way too good to be true. And yes it is. Is it just me or does DX sell a lot more now than they did in any previous incarnation? Now if only they could get rid of doing stupid skits.

Yes, a main event debate! Now I'm totally plunking down the $44.95 for TLC now. And we have furniture flying everywhere. It's moving faster than at Bob's Discount Furniture. And then Sheamus with a shove to Cuban. Oh I hope he's going through a table. And Cena gets taken down with two pump kicks. Here's the crazy thing, Cena is down longer with each pump kick than when Cena got hit with Orton's concussion kick at Hell in the Cell. And yes, Cuban gets put through a table. Finally Sheamus looks like a legit contender for Cena's championship!

Overall, this was a pretty boring show outside of the hard sell for Sheamus/Cena. DX vs. JeriShow will probably close the show but that storyline never jumped out of first gear. And the hottest storyline on Raw, Kofi vs. Orton, saw better days last month. After reading the results from the last two weeks, I think we can easily say that this past month of Raw has been pretty pedestrian. Having said that, the TLC PPV looks good on paper. Go figure.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

The Monday Night Wars Are Back, Baby!

For those of you who missed the Ultimate Fighter finale, Hulk Hogan announced that there will be a 3-hour Impact on Monday January 4th. In addition to the TNA debut of Hogan, Sting is scheduled to reappear. In addition to Sting's return and Hogan's debut, the Small-For-All received word that Dixie Carter has signed another huge star for January 4th. According to her Twitter page, she wrote How's that for a 1st shot? Well that could only mean one thing – the TNA debut of…



The "BIG SHOT" Hardcore Holly! Considering Holly's still bitter with the way Ken Kennedy snitched on his ass, one could only assume that Holly wants to shove it to Vince anyway he can. And what better way than by throwing the Hardcore title in the crash in the middle of TNA Monday Impact!

Honestly, I am pretty excited that TNA is running a Monday night show for one very reason – it forces the WWE to top it. And when the WWE feels that they have competition, even for just one night, they normally put on a newsworthy show. For that alone, kudos TNA to starting off 2010 right. Of course, the business side of me finds it silly that TNA is blowing Hogan's debut for tv ratings and not PPV buyrates but honestly, this is probably the better shot at building buzz for the company. Then, they can offer Hogan's first match take place on PPV.

As for the rest of the rumors running rampant (Hogan wants to get rid of a six-sided ring, bring in all his friends, feud with Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett, etc), I am going to wait until we get something more concrete out of it. Because honestly I have a feeling that half of these rumors are being started by Hogan himself as a way to keep himself in the spotlight before his epic debut on January 4th.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Yup that was it for today. I have no idea where my motivation went but I'm hoping it returns next week along with Slimmer's Wall of Text. Then in two weeks we begin our look back at 2009. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!