The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: 12.11.09

Seasons greetings, wrestling fans! And thanks for tuning in for your regularly scheduled dose of intrawebz’ rasslin optimism. Yup, it’s the MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: your weekly wrap-up of all things pro wrestling, with a positive twist wherever possible.

After two weeks of road bumps (literal and figurative), we’re back to our regularly scheduled format for this week’s column. Where appropriate, you’ll notice that we’re shedding a few of our less popular features this time around. And since this frees up a bunch of space throughout: I guess now is as good a time as any to try out a few new tricks while we’re at it (which will be included starting with next week’s column).

Like so…

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ASK MEE ANYTHING
It’s like real-time reader feedback on steroids

Last week, I pulled the old “slow news week special” and busted out the trusty YouThinks Reader Mailbag. In it, I posted a selection of reader comments, and I did my best to crack a few jokes and tackle each of the latest discussions surrounding this pseudo sport of kings. Lots of folks seemed to enjoy this change of pace, so I figured I’d keep the conversation going and include it in future issues of the FreeThinks. Hence the brandy new feature:

Ask Mee Anything.

Seriously, ask away. It’s totally anonymous (unless you’re feeling particularly brazen), and I’m always up for some quality discussion on topics we might not have had the chance to cover in our regularly scheduled column (wrestling, pop-culture, general outlook on life, you name it).

Example:

Q: Hey John. Who do you think The Undertaker will fight at WrestleMania 26?
A: If he’s eyeing retirement, John Cena. If he’s sticking around? Sheamus.

Keep ’em short, topical, and classy, and I’ll fire off micro-feedbacks and post the best of ’em in next week’s column.

So what are you waiting for? Ask away!

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Now then — onto our regularly scheduled program.

(Minus the SELL and TELL of the week. Sadly, I’m still catching up on the past seven days of pro wrestling adventures thanks to an impromptu work-mandated adventure through sunny Newark, New Jersey. Fear not: SELL and TELL will be back next week as scheduled!)

Mark Franks and Danny Vaughn – local wrestlers Mark Franks and Danny Vaughn made their one-off debut on this week’s ECW broadcast against the fellow newcomer tandem of Trent Baretta and Caylen Croft. Franks and Vaughn were defeated in a short contest as the “lifelong best friends” continued their winning ways, and neither man is believed to have signed a WWE contract at this time.

Umaga – former WWE superstar Eki “Eddie” Fatu passed away suddenly last Friday afternoon after suffering two massive heart attacks at the age of 36.

Fatu had just finished taking part in the “Hulkamania: Let The Battle Begin” tour of Australia, and had returned home to his family’s residence in Spring, Texas several days earlier. On Friday, his wife discovered him unconscious and with blood coming out of his nose, and the former Samoan Bulldozer was rushed to the nearest hospital and immediately placed on life support in the intensive care unit. Shortly thereafter, doctors determined that Fatu was brain dead with no reasonable chance of recovery, and his family made the decision to remove him from life support.

Obviously this is a tough loss for the wrestling community, both because of Umaga’s age, his connectedness within the industry, and the fact that he was recently getting looks from both major North American wrestling promotions and discussing the possibility of (re-)signing within the coming months. On behalf of the entire 411 community, I hope you’ll join me in extending your thoughts and prayers to the friends and loved ones of Umaga and the entire Anoa’i wrestling family. Regardless of the circumstances that surrounded his death, 36 is way too young for an otherwise healthy young man who was arguably in the prime of his career to be taken from this world.

Since it is virtually impossible to discuss this story *without* making mention of those aforementioned circumstances, however…

It’s pretty obvious that Umaga’s death has become something of a hot-button issue among wrestling fans and critical circles (need further proof? WWE didn’t so much as mention it this week on RAW). Rather than dabble in pure assumption or idle speculation, however — let’s focus on the facts and allow readers to draw their own conclusions.

1) Umaga was Samoan (as the tattoo across his abdomen so proudly displayed). Worldwide research indicates that “Pacific Island nations have a serious problem with certain types of heart disease,” and in some islands, such as Samoa, “the recorded prevalence is among the highest in the world.”

2) Umaga was billed at a weight of 350 pounds (and a kayfabe height of 6’4″). Even if you knock a few kayfabe pounds or inches off here and there, the point remains: Umaga was — by all reliable metrics — clinically obese, which results in an exponential increase in his odds of suffering from congestive heart failure, heart attack, and a slew of other equally serious medical issues.

3) In 2007, a number of major publications named Umaga as one of several WWE superstars reported to have purchased pharmaceuticals from an online pharmacy. Umaga had reportedly received somatropin, a growth hormone, and was suspended from World Wrestling Entertainment for 30 days in accordance with the company’s Wellness Initiative as a result.

In 2009, Umaga was once again suspended by WWE in accordance with their controlled substance policy. And when he refused to seek company-sponsored rehabilitiation as a result of his second strike under the WWE Wellness Initiative, Umaga’s contract was terminated.

Bottom line?

While we don’t know just yet exactly which of these warning signs ultimately lead to Umaga’s death — we do know that each of them were well documented long before the tragic events of this past Friday afternoon. Umaga’s passing is undoubtedly a sad addition to the ever-expanding catalog of performers who’ve been struck down well before their time, but it is also a clear-cut tale of caution and a classic case of the price that can be paid when warning signs go unheeded.

None – In a welcome development, there are no new injuries to report in the past seven days’ time.

After a bunch of reader mail and a few weeks of sabbatical, I’ve decided to suspend this feature indefinitely. Fun fact: only 15% or so of all web users are currently using Twitter, and — regrettably — the other 85% of y’all weren’t all that entertained by/keen on/etc. a Tweet-inspired sidebar on a weekly basis.

Ya’ win some, ya’ lose some.

(Now as to *why*, exactly, the non-fans couldn’t just scroll past these few lines is completely beyond Mee — but hey, gotta’ break a few eggs, right?)

Stay tuned in the coming weeks for a replacement feature to pick up where the Tweeting left off. Kinda like Ask Mee Anything. Case in point:

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Q: Is it just me, or does that new bad guy from the trailers for Disney’s “The Princess and The Frog” look AWFULLY familiar?
A: What, you mean THIS dude…

Hmm…. “A black dude who dabbles in voodoo magic, paints his face like a skull, and wears a big, black top hat with a bright red feather” eh?

I think you’re onto something here. And if Pluto starts oozing black goo, we riot.

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One last aside, speaking of Twitter:

Follow Mee on Twitter

http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

None – There was plenty of drama this week, alright — but it was mostly kept to TNA’s onscreen announcement (and thus will be handled in the corresponding section below).

At the start of the NFL season, I compiled a 17-week guide to the Monday Night Football matchups and attempted to venture an educated guess as to how WWE’s ratings would likely fare against each game accordingly. Sure, things can change as the season wears on. But basically, I tried to size up the relative appeal of each Monday Night Football offering and anticipate what sort of effect it might have on WWE’s audience as a result.

As we round down the final weeks of the NFL’s regular season, I think that the point has been proven here. The start-of-season predictions were pretty much dead-on across the board, and wrestling fans can take relative comfort in seeing that our most reasonable (and “uninformed”) expectations actually managed to play out on a weekly basis pretty much as expected. In the end, some weeks were up and some were down, but the WWE flagship broadcast actually managed to fare quite well against the NFL schedule throughout the season — losing a few points (but still maintaining the bulk of their audience) against the stronger MNF matchups, and winning back fans when competition was light.

Long story short?

The purpose has been served, so we’re putting this feature back on the shelf ’till next year as well.

TNA to Air LIVE and Directly Opposite RAW on Jan. 4
Upstart Company Teases “First Shot” in New Monday Night War

On last week’s finale of The Ultimate Fighter, TNA’s newest poster boy (“poster man?”) in Hulk Hogan announced that the company would be airing a LIVE special on Monday, January 4 — putting them in direct competition with WWE’s flagship broadcast in Monday Night RAW. In the days that followed, TNA backstage personalities and onscreen talent immediately set out in earnest to capitalize on this newfound surge in momentum — promising everything from a “major shakeup” in the landscape of professional wrestling to a “guaranteed 3.0 rating” and “the first shot” in what many have already begun to call “the NEW Monday Night War.”

Let’s cut to the chase —

“The first shot in the NEW Monday Night War,” this ain’t.

For all intents and purposes, a war necessitates plenty of reinforcements (read: $$$ to compete with Vince’s $$$$$$$$$), a continued offensive (and defensive) strategy (read: national and international visibility, and the ability to sell out arenas across the country and beyond), or — at the very least — a rapid deployment of an occupying force (read: a weekly television slot on Monday nights). At this stage of the game, TNA is certainly making headway in each of these areas — but they’ve still got a long way to go.

In other words: if it were an actual all-out “WAR” between the two promotions, it would be a short and decisive one. WWE decimates TNA in global recognition and nationwide touring ability. WWE has the brand identity and the built-in fanbase to maintain an audience two and three times TNA’s best even when their “flagship” program is at its worse (see: Katie Vick), and Vinny Mac and company could buy and sell TNA’s biggest stars three and four times over apiece and then pay them to do NOTHING upon their defection (just ask Gail Kim).

In short —

At this stage of their young existence, TNA simply can’t be expected to fight an all-out “war” with WWE on an even playing field or in any fashion resembling the conventional sense.

Or they will lose.

Badly.

What TNA *DOES* have working in their favor, however — is that all-important element of “surprise.” Namely? Fans’ curiosity has been piqued, word is making the rounds that The Hulkster will be arriving any day now, and all logic points to the first televised show of 2010 being one of the biggest landmarks in TNA’s young history.

So if this *isn’t* a first shot in a new Monday night war, then what is it?

Wrestling’s answer to a Boston Tea Party.

What we’re looking at here is a well-calculated publicity stunt to help TNA attract some nationwide attention (and ideally, more than a handfull of casual viewers to boot). Coming from the perspective of a younger, smaller, less-well-known and less-financially secure company like TNA, they really have nothing to lose by programming a “one-off” event in direct competition with the WWE big boys.

Is it likely to be a permanent move?

Hardly. TNA would be fool to think that they can just show up overnight and compete with the big dogs as if they’d been doing it all along. Sure, Eric Bischoff and WCW did it once before — but Ted Turner’s pockets (and television networks, and…) are a heckuvalot deeper than Dixie Carter’s. Instead, TNA will take this opportunity to snipe a few rounds from the fringe, keep their opponents guessing, and continue to grow their fanbase while biding their time with their regularly scheduled programming and PPV events.

As an outsider with (quite literally) nothing to lose: it’s a win/win.

If TNA manages to steal a few fans away from Monday Night RAW? All the better. Giving fans an alternative to the usual fare of Monday night wrestling can only benefit the company, the fans, the performers, and the business on the whole in the long run. We all know WWE has a well-documented history of stepping up their game when competition is at its fiercest — and there is every reason to believe that TNA will likely do the same, and thus the overall quality of BOTH products will likewise improve accordingly.

(That’s a “win” no matter how you slice it.)

But even if TNA gets CRUSHED in the head-to-head ratings? The company is certainly none the worse. Nobody in their right mind would ever peg a petulant young upstart promotion like TNA to be able to hang in WWE’s league for any real amount of time — and frankly (despite what Hulkster or Dixie Carter may tell you), any rating even CLOSE to 1.1 (which is the typical rating for a Thursday night iMPACT!) means that the company’s fanbase is not only ridiculously loyal, but willing to travel AND willing to support the TNA brand even when they have a perfectly viable (and better-known) option just a few short channels away.

(Again, a “win” for TNA — maybe not in the overall ratings, but certainly a good litmus test to see just how strong your fanbase can be when push comes to shove).

All in all?

No matter WHICH promotion you’re watching, that makes it a great time to sit back and enjoy the show, and a GREAT time to enjoy being a wrestling fan regardless of where your allegiances lie.

This week’s random ‘rasslin reference comes from the wide world of Dunder Mifflin, where Scranton’s favorite sycophant recently made passing mention of his lifelong wrestling fandom.

That’s right, Dunderheads — Dwight K. Shrute is a professional wrestling fan!

CO-CONSPIRATORS
Posted By Dwight K. Schrute
December 3, 2009 6:16 PM

I don’t do well with partners. I almost never figure skate in pairs. At camp, my swim buddy drowned (not my fault he couldn’t keep up with me). I once got a great deal on a bicycle built for two, took off a seat modifying it into a bicycle built for one. I prefer to take people down single handedly, like Rambo or John McClane, but with a Samurai sword. However, today a co-worker learned of my diabolical plans, backing me into a corner and forcing me to conspire with him against my foe. Now, this solitary predator will have to learn to hunt with another. Ah-woooooo (that’s the sound of me howling like a wolf, the prototypical pack hunter – it’s a metaphorical howl)!

Having a co-conspirator may work to my advantage. Among the plethora of valuable life lessons I’ve learned from the WWE, is that a tag team always defeats a single wrestler (unless that wrestler is The Undertaker, I’ve seen him easily defeat two fighters – but Jim is no Undertaker). Alone, I was unable to topple Jim Halpert with a bugged wooden mallard, a dozen Jewish pastries, and an Employee of the Month scheme so sinister even my grandfather would approve. So perhaps a partner is what I needed all along. Co-conspirators to take down a Co-Manager – it’s poetic…well, almost, if you say co-conspirator and co-manager fast enough they sort of rhyme.

First Greg House, then Cartman and company and the Gang from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” and now Dwight himself? Wrestling fans, rejoice — the best characters on television stand proudly beside you.

Now if only I could convince Sue Sylvester to step into the ring as a manager…

“Get ready for for the ride of your life. You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!”

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And With That, I’m Outta’ Here

That’ll do it for this week’s FreeThinks. Big weekend for football, especially if you’re a fan of the NFC East (not to mention my beloved New England Patriots — who are in serious need of a wake-up call!). ‘Till next time, enjoy Sunday’s TLC pay-per-view, get those finals done and that holiday shopping all wrapped up (har har har), and always stay positive.

– Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.