The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 12.15.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.15.2009

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling, The new NEW Monday Night War, ECW/Smackdown Changes, HBK News, High Times, A Three-Hour Raw Recap, Hulk Hogan’s Hip, Knockouts Special, and the Final Wall of Text in 2009!

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

Look, I am no genius but sometimes my brilliance amazes myself. Now, last week at this time, I was sure that John Cena would retain at TLC against Sheamus in a tables match. Then over the weekend, it hit me. What if Sheamus wins the championship to bring some buzz to a stagnant Raw program? What if the WWE uses a quick title change to either set up a John Cena rematch at the 3-hour Raw (which is going on as we speak) or for the January 4th Raw (vs. TNA). It would be the surest thing to a must-see match on Raw since everyone loves championship matches. And really when was the last time Raw had a WWE Championship match to close out the show? (I really don't need to know.)

Now, last night, before the Cena vs. Sheamus match, I gave my noble prediction to Slimmer and Jeremy Thomas on the Instant Access chat (which at times is better than what's on screen). Of course, both men laughed me off. Who's laughing now bitches?



And then the inevitable happened – Sheamus actually won the WWE Championship. And I couldn't believe it! Who knew the WWE had the balls to actually make the title change? I for one just thought I was a silly IWC fantasy booker. But hey for once I was correct. Now if only the WWE would dress Paul Birchill up like one of those smurfs in Avatar. Then I'm suing.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Oh snap, look what I saw!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that spits more hot fire than Dylan, the Small-For-All. In today's edition, we take a look at the new NEW Monday Night War, lame-duck Raws, changes to ECW and Smackdown, high times Hulk Hogan's promotion news, and I get to watch a three-hour Raw. Joy.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Next New Monday Night War

Well if TNA vs. WWE does not get your blood to boil on January 4th, perhaps, you will be a bigger fan of the newest Monday Night War – WWE vs. UFC Fight Night on January 11th. And if that's not all, UFC just moved its UFC 111 PPV from March 13th to March 27th, one night before WrestleMania 26!

Of course, the big question is whether Hulk Hogan now owns a share in UFC? Or is this some sort of secret Brock Lesnar revenge scenario? Or does Dana White want to be part of a Battle of the Billionaires match at WrestleMania? Tough questions with no logical answers.

But what I will say is this – I think UFC's decision to move UFC111 to March 27th deals more with not going head to head with Mayweather/Pacquiao (which would crush UFC) than going up against WrestleMania. In fact, as mentioned many times before, WrestleMania is one of those sub-brands for the WWE that draws a good buyrate regardless of the card (last year proved that). As long as the WWE does not completely fuck up its build (which it won't), I still think WrestleMania will end up unscathed from UFC 111. As for the Monday Night Showdown, well all bets are off…

Though it's always nice to see what the WWE comes up with against strong competition for two straight weeks. In fact according to PWInsider, "The current plan is to not shoot any major angles for the Royal Rumble pay-per-view until the 4th or 11th of January which means the December 21st and 28th RAW shows will be kind of "lame-duck" shows that are used to further build guys like Kofi Kingston and Sheamus. The original plan was to shoot a big Rumble angle at the January 11th RAW but that probably has changed to the 4th after TNA announced their big special."

Damn right, we should start expecting some good Royal Rumble build around January 4th. Since the Rumble is one of my favorite shows of the year, I'm hoping we get some good booking for the month of January. It's been a long time since that's happened.

ECW/Smackdown Changes

We spoke in depth of ECW becoming a Superstars-esque show last week. Have there been any more developments since then? Well according to the Insider, "With the record low rating for ECW this week, speculation regarding the show's future on SyFy remain. With the current TV deal expiring soon, WWE has been working to freshen the show up to help the ratings. There was talk of a magazine style show that didn't work out. One recent idea was to drop everything ECW related and focus the entire show on new talents from the brands.

Changes are still being discussed for the SmackDown brand but word is that there won't be any major decisions made until after the first of 2010."

A few weeks ago the rumor was that SmackDown needed something "Must See" since Raw obviously prospered with the arrival of Guest Hosts. Of course, with SmackDown on a no-network on Friday nights, I am not sure even softcore porn would really increase viewership. Though I would recommend Cialis stock if that happened.

Clearly, the WWE does need to do something with ECW as there is nothing that stands out on the show. Christian is a fine champ but his feud with William Regal is done and the one against Shelton Benjamin was just a placeholder until the Rumble. Even then, will the ECW champion even be booked in another PPV singles match until WrestleMania or will he just be a participant in MITB? Save us Jack Swagger!


This Just In…

HBK hates Bobcats!



And he also hates a full-time schedule…

In an interview with MySanAntonio.com, HBK stated that he is planning on taking another four months off after WrestleMania 26 this year.

Hey whatever it takes for Shawn Michaels to continue wrestling is a-ok in my book. Though I'm really hoping for HHH vs. HBK at Mania rather than Taker vs. HBK 2. Let's burn that match at the Rumble.

High Times

From the Observer, "Reports are that marijuana usage on the SmackDown brand is down and one wrestler described that side side as clean. Most feel that the $2,500 fines aren't worth it. Word is that there were a number of recent pot failures on the RAW brand, enough that it was an issue being talked about."

Good thing we found out tonight that Evan Bourne is chronic high flier. Thanks Matt Striker!

You know Dennis Miller might need to dumb down for this audience as even I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. I'm just waiting for a "Boring" chant to start up.

Seriously, is Jerry the King only finding this amusing? He's more annoying than Vintage Cole at this moment.

Okay, that Obama joke was funny. So is all the plastic surgery Jillian has done to herself. Seriously, take a look at what she looked like back in GLOW.



Yeah, totally unrecognizable now. Not that that's a bad thing.

Okay the Great Khali teaming with Kane and Christian on Monday Night Raw – I am so glad I am watching this week. Though Khali looks different - dare, I say he looks fat. Khali has a chicken gut. Gross. Someone cover him up with a leopard print snuggie.

I'm glad Khali still has perfected the art of the magic bullet. Fear the CHOP!

OMG Tiffany looks bonerrific in that red dress. Too bad she's in love with the Scotsman.

At least Sheamus has decent enough mic skills to get heat. Now let's see if he can run with the ball.

Man, I wish Raw had another hour so Cody and Kofi could actually have a decent night. Unless, of course, Raw guest host GM decided to book a tag team match. And lookie that, he did. Miller telling Al Sharpton and Jeremy Piven to suck it was quite funny.

Bourne sure sold the Cross Rhodes quite well. If I were Kofi though, I'd wish I had some pull like Christian and have a giant save my ass. Bourne really did not help Kofi's cause here.

Santino and Vickie together again! You know, thinking back to the era of Santina, I wonder if we will get a Vickie vs. Mickie Hog Pen match at WrestleMania. Smell the buyrates (and the bacon)!

I had no idea that CM Punk is trying to rip-off Mike Knox's gimmick. Either that or he's playing the role of a homeless man in the latest WWE Direct to DVD film.

Wow, seriously? Cena and Punk were given 90 seconds to have a match to move on in the Superstar of the Year tournament. Seriously? There's not enough time in a three hour show to have a ten minute television match. Well, I guess it's good that matches like these will be forgotten by tomorrow.

SPOILER ALERT – Cena won't lose again until he's WWE Champ again! Well, if Orton defeats Taker like I expect him to do (via shenanigans), then it's safe to say Cena will at least leave tonight undefeated.

"The Show" Triple H? Is there a Slammy tonight for biggest Guest Host fuckup? No? Well let's change that now…

And the nominees are:

"The Show" Triple H – Dennis Miller
"Kobe Johnston" – Kyle Busch & Ozzy Osbourne
"SummerFEST" – Jeremy Piven

And the winner is – Mr. Jeremy Piven!!!

I'm confused – does HBK want to wrestle Taker tonight or at WrestleMania 26? I thought he meant tonight but Cole is saying WM26. I doubt either's correct.

And the WWE did it again. Another three minute match between two of the WWE's biggest stars. Granted, I am happy Orton won (because Cena vs. Taker should not happen on Raw anytime soon) but man, did everyone come out looking bad at the end of this one. Whoever's booking this show needs to be demoted to Superstars!

Bret Hart? I wonder if Dennis Miller was shooting. Regardless, is it safe to say that Miller is easily the worst Guest Host surpassing such favorites like Al Sharpton and ZZ Top?

Yes, next week, it's the Little People's court. Perhaps, it will be a good time to revisit Slimmer's grandmother. Good thing I bought some more prunes last week.

Hey another "main event" match lasting under a minute. Poor Jericho – leaving the albatross that is known as Monday Night Raw.

Got to love how Chris Masters's dancing pecs has led him to get his best crowd reaction in years. Kudos to Carlito for thanking Team Jacob in his acceptance speech for Jeff Hardy.

Ha ha I love Cole's comment that Mickie James is in Lane Bryant. Way better than ensuing match. Oh and Happy Hanukkah Kelly Kelly.

By the way, the crowd totally wanted Santina to win Diva of the Year. I must say that Maria winning is definitely surprising since she has not done anything of note since posing for Playboy last year.

Woah, Batista is in a pimptastic pink shirt. I bet he's with Team Edward.

And if this show was not already dying a slow death, here's Abraham Washington and Big Dick Johnson.

VINTAGE COLE.

Yes, another HBK can't build WWE toy set skits! Last year's Elimination Chamber skit was funny and well, this one was not so bad either just because they at least teased a HHH vs. HBK match. Oh and DX SNUGGIE!!!

Johnny Damon with Secret Santas next week. Oh my!

And in our predictable main event, John Cena defeated Randy Orton for the millionth time this year to win Superstar of the Year. At least both men put on a good show for a live crowd that really was game for wrestling. Too bad there was none of that on this show.

Well, I am not sure if this is the worst Raw I've seen all year, since thankfully I don't remember most after watching them, but it must rank up there. A lack of wrestling, some bizarre booking decisions, and a bad guest host makes this show a RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID.

Just like the following segment…


SLIMMER's WALL OF TEXT

After threatening Slimmer during Instant Access that he would be fired (again) if he missed another week of his Wall of Text, I am glad to say that he reconsidered and typed something up for us today. At the end of the day, Slimmer just does not want to be known as 411's resident Jeff Hardy. Here's Slimmer…

Oh and in the vein of one of my favorite movies, Memento, tonight's Wall of Text is in reverse chronological order. Enjoy!!!

I'm going to watch Raw on Monday night, and I'll be interested to see how Sheamus is booked in his new role as WWE Champion. But I will also be cognizant of the fact that the WWE Championship means a little bit less this week than it did last week. Now it's just a little closer to being just another title. Now it's just a little closer to being as meaningless as so many assume that it always has been. Because now it's being worn by a man that won it while falling on his ass.

This role was played for decades by the NWA Championship, and for at least the past twenty years that role has been played (at least in North America) by the WWE Championship. This is the championship held by Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, and The Rock. This is the championship that defines WWE, and by extension it defines professional wrestling in North America. I would like to think that WWE holds their own most prestigious championship in high enough regard that they would refrain from using it as simply another tool in their storylines, but their decision to hand the championship to Sheamus clearly implies otherwise. My complaint is not that Sheamus is a horrible wrestler or that his championship win won't create a compelling storyline. I rather enjoyed Sheamus' match with John Cena at TLC, and I admit that Cena's impending quest to regain his title could be quite interesting. Having Sheamus win the title would have been a fine decision if the United States, Intercontinental, or even the bastardized World Heavyweight Championship had been on the line. But in this case it was the WWE Championship on the line, and now WWE has positioned a virtually unknown wrestler as the face of their promotion. They have said that he is the best there is at what he does, but clearly he is not. Maybe one day he will be, but today he is not. And so while Sheamus' victory may create compelling programming, it also serves to cheapen the most prestigious professional wrestling championship in this hemisphere.

I completely understand that professional wrestling championships are tools to be used by the promotion, and in most cases I have absolutely no problem with that. I may personally enjoy watching John (G) Morrison more than Drew McIntyre, but I also appreciate the logic behind giving the championship to McIntyre in order to further his career. I will admit and agree that most championships really are just tools. But I also maintain that there are a select few championships that mean something more. A promotion's top championship is also a showcase of the best that promotion has to offer and a declaration of who that promotions sees as the face of their company. And in the case of highly successful, nationally broadcast promotions, the top championship within a promotion is also a recognition of greatness. Professional wrestlers are not judged on their ability to win matches, but that is not to say that there is no way to evaluate a professional wrestler's skill and ability. Wrestling is a craft, and we all know that there are special performers who excel at their craft in ways that other simply cannot. They have the ability to construct exciting and compelling matches. They give promos that leave the audience with no choice but to become emotionally invested in the storylines. They are the public face of promotions and drive both ticket and merchandise sales. They elevate professional wrestling from a spectacle to an art form. And the top wrestling championships in the world recognize those top performers as being the best there is at what they do.

Professional wrestling championships have long been used as tools to build storylines and promote wrestlers within a promotion. Battles over championships have been at the heart of many of the greatest matches and rivalries in the history of this industry, and so it is impossible to completely deny the value of championships. Championships have also frequently been used to give a wrestler credibility in the eyes of the fans. We saw this twice at WWE TLC, first when Drew McIntyre defeated John Morrison for the Intercontinental Championship, and later when Sheamus defeated John Cena for the WWE Championship. McIntyre and Sheamus were clearly seen as rising stars before TLC, but now they are each theoretically far more credible due to their victories over popular champions. Those former champions may seek a rematch, or the new champions may be confronted by new challengers. Either way, the championships continue to play their role by driving the storylines that are the basis of the promotion.

It has always been difficult for professional wrestling fans to agree amongst themselves on the role and importance of championships within the industry, and so it's hardly surprising that it's damn near impossible to explain to non-fans why championships have any meaning at all. Professional wrestling championships are not athletic accomplishments like Super Bowl victories, Olympic gold medals, or UFC championships. Professional wrestling is not an athletic competition, and so the notion that championships are "won" and "lost" really only has meaning within the storyline. As such, many assume that professional wrestling championships have no real value in the real world. Most non-fans tend to believe that professional wrestling championships have no more or less value than the fictional championships fought for by Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. But I tend to believe that they couldn't be more wrong.

Very few men in the history of the world have accomplished anything of lasting importance while falling on their ass. And yet on Sunday night, Sheamus tumbled off the top turnbuckle, bounced off the ring apron, fell on his ass outside the ring, and somehow managed to win the WWE Championship in the process. It was certainly not the most graceful way to win a championship, but I suppose nothing soothes the embarrassment of falling on your ass in front of thousands of people like being handed the most important professional wrestling championship in North America. I mean, I've fallen on my ass plenty of times in my life, and nobody's ever given me a damn thing for it. Not surprisingly, Sheamus's victory has ignited a veritable firestorm of controversy. Some say that it was a brilliant move, because no one could have possibly seen it coming. Others say that it was an asinine move, because Sheamus has not been positioned as a credible champion in the eyes of the fans. And me? I'm just disheartened to be reminded that WWE regards their own championship as nothing more than a cheap prop.

Professional wrestling championships do have meaning and do have value – but only if professional wrestling promotions treat them as more than just cheap props.

Don't Think Twice 12.15.09: The Real Value of Fake Championships
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 12.15.09


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Hogan > Doublemint Gum

Last week, Hogan promised to triple TNA ratings on Monday January 4th with a 3.0 rating against Monday Night Raw.



Ah yes, typical Hogan speak. Now I am glad that Hogan believes that his debut will truly impact TNA and honestly, if Hogan's debut was happening on an uncontested Thursday, I would probably say that the 3.0 is a fair goal. But there's no way that TNA is hitting a 3.0 on January 4th. Perhaps if this were back in 1999 when there was a Monday Night War. You know, back when there were over 7 million viewers watching wrestling on a Monday night. But it's not! Today, an average Raw barely breaks a 3.5 each week (half of the total 1999 audience). Is there enough of an audience for TNA to obtain a 3.0 rating? I really doubt it. BTW, Small's ratings prediction – Raw: 3.0, TNA 1.8.

Hip Happens

Hey kids, where you wondering why every Hogan vs. Flair match during the Hulkamania tour except for the first match featured run-ins galore? Well Dave Meltzer has the answer for you! According to the Observer, Hogan's hip went out during his first fight against Flair and was limited for the remainder of the tour.

And yes, this is the man that will lead TNA to salvation. Here's my issue with Hogan – in order for Hogan to pop a rating, he needs to be doing something relevant on television. However, his body cannot handle a wrestling match. So if the fans clamor for Hogan to return to the ring (which will happen), all of Hogan's mystique will disappear after his first match. Just like it happened in the WWE back in 2002. The WWE built Hogan up to pop the buyrate at WrestleMania 18 (because Jericho/HHH was not a draw) and after that, it was never the same. And once Hogan won the title and had to wrestle on a semi-weekly basis, it really showed Hogan's limitations. And at that time, he could drop a leg! Now he can't even do his own finisher!

Look I am glad that Hogan is excited to be back in the wrestling business. Here's just hoping that he channels his energy working behind the scenes and not clogging up my television screen. Especially now that it's in HD.

Biten Newsbites

The four hour NYE edition of TNA Impact will be entirely a special on TNA Knockouts. There are rumors of another Knockout tag team tournament!

Wouldn't Spike do better with a Knockout bikini special? Hell, if TNA is so bent on bringing back 2002, I think their fans would love a Knockouts Undressed special. Right?



Right?


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, I will begin my two-part year-end retrospective as we will first take a look at the Best of 2009! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!