wrestling / Columns

The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 12.22.09

December 22, 2009 | Posted by Jeff Small

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

I have a confession to make – I really fucking love R. Kelly’s Trapped in a Closet series. Well… I should technically clarify that statement. I really fucking love R. Kelly’s first volume of Trapped in the Closet chapters. The second set of chapters, while ambitious, fails to live up to the absurdity of the first set. It’s almost as if R. Kelly thought that people actually cared about Rosy the Nosy Neighbor or Sylvester or Big Man the Midget and not about the ridiculous of everyone fucking each other. Not to mention that like many old WCW PPVs, the load is blown within the first segment. Don’t believe me, check out the amazing introduction to the second set of chapters.

Oh shit, indeed!

Now if you think that I am about 4 years late on the Trapped in the Closet phenomenon, I’m not. I just became reacquainted with this masterpiece due to being bored during the weekend’s snowstorm. Sometimes it’s better to let the classics marinate for a bit just to realize how much you have missed them. It’s like chicken, really.

Plus, I would rather take the time here to speak on Trapped in the Closet than the last season of Dexter. Because I’d hate to spoil the amazing ending the season had. And for those of you who have never seen Dexter, I highly recommend either ordering Showtime (Californication has tons of tig ole bitties, too) or purchasing the DVD sets. Great, great show. Plus that dude from 30 Rock from the Sun is hilarious in it. Case in point:

That’s almost Nick Cannon Wilin’ Out hilarious there.

In other news, we are t-minus 3 days until Christmas. Of all the Holidays, Christmas is definitely my favorite as it gives me a chance to see family, eat lots of ham, and get presents. Lots of presents. Like if my dad doesn’t get me that new Money in the Bank WWE set, I am totally going to kick him in the balls. Seriously. I’ve been good for like eleven and a half months and I deserve at least a MITB set, if not a “World’s Smallest Member” DX t-shirt. And just in case you would like to send your favorite news reporter a gift, Meehan would totally like a Hand Job. Not what you are thinking sickos.

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

A leopard print snuggie would be nice, too.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that loves turtles, the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s holiday edition, we discuss the possible return of Bret Hart, the official end of ECW, Vince McMahon’s latest feud, another Raw recap, and all Final Resolution fallout.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWER S

The Best There Ever Will Be?

Man, why doesn’t any breaking news ever happen on a Monday? It appears that I always miss out on speaking about “big news” so by the time it’s my news report, it’s already “old news.” Well, I guess that’s why I need to resort to dick jokes and homosexuality quips more than the rest of the news team. Anyway, on last Monday’s abomination of a television program, Dennis Miller had a small exchange with Vince McMahon which ended with Bret Hart’s name being dropped as a potential guest host. At that time, we all thought it was just another way to stir up shit for the sake of doing so. Little did anyone know that that quip could possibly lead to the beginning of a major WWE storyline.

According to the Observer, Bret Hart has signed a short-term deal with the WWE that will begin January 4th (how convenient) and last until WrestleMania 26. While everyone is mum on the details of Bret Hart’s return, there has been rumors of everything from a permanent GM spot to helping his Hart Dynasty brethren to feuding with DX to even wrestling Vince McMahon. Whatever the case may be, here’s hoping that Chris Jericho is involved and that Bret Hart does not wrestle in the ring. There’s really no need for that.

You know, kudos to the WWE for pulling out one of the biggest surprises in quite a long time. When TNA announced their Monday Night date, everyone assumed that the WWE would counter with the Rock or Stone Cold. I doubt anyone really believed that Bret Hart would come back. And now, we are a few weeks away from hopefully a satisfying storyline for the Excellence of Execution. Knowing Bret’s reputation, there’s a good chance that he will have A LOT of say in his storyline so I think we can all expect the best. No “Little People’s Court” for him. Hopefully.

And hey, if the storyline were to have its conclusion at WrestleMania, well that’s not only great for the buying public, it will also make for an awesome live spectacle. I’m really fucking excited about this year’s GrandDaddy of them all.

And Now We Shootin’

From dot.net, “There was said to be legitimate tension between Vince McMahon and Slammy guest host Dennis Miller at last week’s RAW. Miller was late to the building and sources say he arrived only a couple hours before the show. Vince really did try to give Miller some comedy pointers for his stand-up on the stage. The comments Miller made during their appearance on stage together about Vince giving him comedy pointers were unscripted. Also, WWE officials weren’t happy with Miller not being able to connect with the live crowd.”

Even though a few commenters called me an idiot for hating on Miller, I stand by my belief that he was one of the worst guest hosts on Raw. Granted, it takes a lot to be in consideration for Worst Host (seeing as he’s up against ZZ Top, Verne Troyer, and Jeremy Piven), but Miller definitely was up there. He really did not seem to care about his surroundings and was only interested in plugging his charity. That’s great and all but he could at least try to have some fun with it. Political commentary is great on CNN, not so much on the redneck rasslin’ channel (we got pop!).

Au Revoir and Goodnight

Rumor has it that Tommy Dreamer has asked for his WWE release. Now I am no conspiracy theorist but I doubt anyone is surprised that Dreamer wants to leave while rumors of ECW’s demise are running rampant. Perhaps he has gotten wind of the changes to the Tuesday Night Delight and would rather take his ball and go home. It’s a shame he went back on his retirement after losing the ECW Championship to Christian as that would have been the perfectly opportunity to go out on top. RIP the Original of the ECW Originals.

A sidenote: isn’t it crazy that out of the 8 ECW wrestlers who competitor at WrestleMania 23, only one is still on the active roster as an announcer?

Another sidenote: what’s the over/under on Tommy Dreamer showing up in Orlando on January 4th? 7:1 odds, perhaps?

Biten’ Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

WWE recent made changes to their Wellness policy. Regarding alcohol, the policy states that WWE talents are prohibited from “using or consuming alcohol at any time within a twelve hour period prior to any WWE event or WWE scheduled performance.”

Well if the Sandman was still around today, he probably would be seen leaving town with Tommy Dreamer. Seriously, it’s a welcome addition to the Wellness Policy as we wouldn’t want another Heroes of Wrestling fiasco.

As evidenced by winning “Diva of the Year”, Maria will receive a push in conjunction with her involvement with the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Either that or the WWE is planning on having Darryl Strawberry host an upcoming Raw. By the way, Bill Goldberg is on the show too. I wonder if Cyndi Lauper will feel his spear!

ROH’s Briscoe Brothers spent all week at FCW trying out for the WWE.

Now my knowledge of ROH Wrestling is very limited but is it true that these guys are the definition of spot monkeys? Because honestly, I’m not sure if that style will work in the WWE. Then again, I doubt many predicted that the Dudley Boyz would have become such dominant figures in the WWE.

It’s said that Primo Colon is unhappy with his current position in the WWE.

I think Primo should be just happy he has a job. But seriously, if Carlito can return from having the package (which is only a nasty rumor that Rosey the Nosy Neighbor told me), then anything’s possible for Primo. Perhaps a feud with Booker T over a shampoo commercial could do wonders for him.

Yes, Hornswoggle takes DX to court AND a John Cena squash match. Woo-hoo.

I do love the use of “Center Field” as Johnny Damon’s theme music. I do also love that Johnny Damon impersonates Jimmy Snuka pretty well. I also love how the crowd’s hatred of Damon does not faze him a bit. If he were to ever leave baseball, I definitely think he would be a great tag team partner for Zack Ryder.

OMG a Tiger Woods joke. At least this one’s relevant. The Kanye joke last week was a tad outdated. And oh man, now Damon is fazed.

Why is Kelly Kelly in a Santa’s Helper outfit when she’s Jewish? Can’t someone give her a dreidel outfit?

As much as I would like Gail Kim to get a serious push in the Women’s division, she seems to fuck up each week. That delayed fist strike on the apron was brutally awful. Unlike Maryse’s side backbreaker. Even Roderick Strong would be jealous of that move.

God, the Little People’s Court is next. At least, they are giving 90 minutes for the viewer to digest that crap.

You know, watching this unfunny skit, I wonder if Bret Hart is finally getting his revenge on HBK and HHH.

Nice win for Kofi Kingston after last week’s PPV loss. As much as I normally would laugh at the fact that Kofi would pick jobber Evan Bourne over MVP on his team, it was nice to see Bourne’s Ricky Morton impersonation. Oh and will Ted DiBiase even receive a slight push with his new DVD coming out.

And now the Sarge is bi-curious? Okay, Bret Hart is totally booking tonight’s show.

Okay, that second part was even worse than the first. As much as people hate on Triple H for dominating the main event scene, he surely has no problem being part of some of the worst shit the WWE has ever produced. Seriously, this was almost Katie Vick bad.

Hey remember when Jack Swagger promised to go undefeated a few months ago? And it stayed that way for a few weeks. Yeah, neither do I.

Outside of the very long resthold, this has been a quality match. If only Swagger had a little momentum before this match. Well, I guess if the WWE chooses to, they could go back to pushing him. Bring on…uh… damn, there are no big faces on Raw outside Cena, DX and Kofi. And I’d hate to see Kofi have to bring Swagger up at his expense.

Dusty Claus rules!

Oh MY GAWD – Chris Masters and Eve are the newest Power Couple in the WWE!

The Miz is so fucking awesome. And now IRS is Santa Claus. Oh and is that the newest FCW Developmental Diva chasing Tiger?

Ha ha ha, okay now this show rules. Mae Young still rules even at age 90!

Oh shit, Hulk Hogan is coming back to TNA Wrestling. And on January 4th. Mah Gawd.

Poor MVP. If only he gotten the Jack Swagger treatment from earlier in the night. Having said that, nice win for Sheamus. God, it’s easy playing both sides of the field.

I love how the entire crowd crapped over the announcement of Cena vs. Sheamus happening next week. Oh and Bret Hart is totally coming back now.

Wait Santina Claus? She’s back? Oh no.

Are they seriously replaying the Little People’s Court segment? Can’t the show just end early?

So tonight’s main event is Johnny Damon making a wish for one WWE superstar. Really?

Hey wait, is that Chris Jericho has Santa Claus? How awesome! And Big Show beating up midgets? Even better.

I am well aware that the final two weeks of programming before the holidays are meaningless but really, was tonight’s show one big comedy skit? From a main event segment featuring Big Show vs. midgets to a Tiger Woods joke that was never paid off (seriously, where’s the payoff kids?) to even the abomination of the Little People’s Court, what was the purpose of tonight’s show? Just to blowoff the three month DX vs. Hornswoggle feud. Granted I should just be happy that it’s over but man, has the last two months produced some of the worst television of the year.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Welcome to 2002

Perhaps that lethal dose of poison will really do the WWE in this time. Yes kids, everyone’s favorite New World Order are set to debut in TNA. Scott Hall has been in contact with TNA about tagging up with Kevin Nash while X-Pac is rumored to be joining them.

Honestly, it was lame when the WWE brought back the nWo and I really can’t see anything good coming from these guys in 2010. Considering Kevin Nash has a tag team title shot, one can expect the Outsiders to be tag champions and squashing the MCMG by springtime. Throw in the fact that X-Pac coined a heat term all to himself and I really cannot see the benefits of the nWo in TNA. Yes name recognition is good to draw in new faces but the majority of people who thought the nWo was cool in 1997, either do not watch wrestling anymore or have outgrown those antics. It’s the same reason why we all hate the majority of DX skits these days. It’s just not funny to use old folks.

Oh and considering the fact that the WWE owns the nWo name, I wonder what the new stable will be called?

Leave the Memories Alone

If it wasn’t so disheartening that Tommy Dreamer is leaving the WWE, now we have word that another former ECW star Daivari has left TNA. At Final Resolution, Sheik Abdul Bashir drew a pink slip and is now officially gone from the company. No one is really sure what will happen to Bashir but chances are he’s not coming back to the WWE.

Shorty Wanna Ride

G-Unit Rapper Young Buck recently had a tryout with TNA. Word from his tryout was that Mr. Money in the Bank was the shit. Here’s hoping TNA gets buck in 2010.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, we will take a full look back at the Year in 2009. Until then, enjoy this NSFW Holiday Beautiful Sendoff…