The Contentious Ten 12.28.09: The Top Ten Facial Hairs

Posted by John Peters on 12.28.2009

Christmas is over but I can’t get Santa’s giant white beard off of my mind, so I’m examining the greatest beards, moustaches and goatees the wrestling world has ever seen so I can get out of the Christmas spirit and on the road to WrestleMania.

I was unable to round up enough Christmas related wrestling stuff to slap together some kind of top ten list. But, I obviously still had Christmas on my brain and I couldn't help but think about the two figures most central to Christmas: Jesus and Santa. And what do Jesus and Santa have in common? They both know how to grow some famously awesome facial hair. So in a pretty weak tie-in I'm looking at some of the greatest and most famous wrestling beards, moustaches, and goatees.

A bullshit proverb says a picture is worth 1000 words so I'm going to let the pictures do a lot of the writing for me this week since I've been beyond busy (like I'm sure most of you have been) with last minute and post Christmas stuff.




The Top Ten Facial Hairs


X



The "Mean Gene"



Even if "Mean" Gene Okerlund wasn't a wrestler he was the "journalistic face" of the WWF and WCW for over twenty years, and sported his trademark moustache (as far as I can recall) the entire time. If you are getting old like me and vividly remember "Mean" Gene interviewing hundreds of wrestlers think how different your memories of wrestling would be if he had been clean shaven. I'm not sure I'd even be able to take him seriously. Of course Okerlund's moustache isn't all that special, as nearly every guy in the 1980s sported a moustache at some point. Nevertheless, "Mean" Gene is about as iconic a wrestling personality as there is, therefore his trim little moustache deserves a spot on this list. Some other wrestling personalities that wore this style of moustache include Sgt. Slaughter and Howard Finkel.




IX



The "Jeff Hardy"



I'm sure Jeff Hardy is pretty low on the list of wrestlers one might think of when one hears "facial hair," but as you can see by the pictures Hardy frequently wore a pretty interesting beard. Like his hair, Hardy frequently changed the style of his beard. Sometimes he'd just let it grow out a bit, or he grow long sideburns, but he usually followed the same basic idea of cutting several grooves into his beard leaving only a few tiger stripes. It may not seem like much of a beard, but it was certainly an unusual way to wear facial hair and helped create Hardy's distinct look. Of course, when Hardy entered his nerdy face painting phases he pretty much covered up his atypical beard. I'm sure there have been a few other wrestlers that have cut designs into their beards, but I can't come up with any off the top of my head.





VIII



The "Rick Rude"



At one point during his WCW run Ravishing Rick Rude shaved off his trademark moustache and trimmed down his hair. Just like Sampson who was robbed of his strength when his hair was cut, Rude seemed to be robbed of his overt narcissistic arrogance when he was clean cut. Of course it was still there, but Rude's bushy moustache and curly locks were such a part of his character that he didn't even seem like the same wrestler with out them. Rude's conceited flaunting of his body oozed overt male sexuality in medium that was (at the time) growing increasingly kid friendly, and 70s/80s porn star moustache complimented his gigolo like body and attitude. Rude was a great wrestler regardless, but facial hair added just a little bit extra to his over-the-top character.





VII



The "Iron Sheik"



I would argue that the Iron Sheik had the most sinister facial hair in wrestling history. Nothing says evil villain like a big black moustache trimmed and waxed to a point. There is no way a good guy could pull off a handlebar moustache like his, as it is so stereotypical evil. When he made his wrestling debut the moustache helped him stand out and helped establish his Persian/Middle Eastern heritage and his malicious intentions. As the WWF grew more mainstream and kid friendly the Iron Sheik eventually became a caricature of himself--the evil foreign menace--and his moustache just added to his increasingly silly cartoon-like character. Although the moustache isn't the same, Rene Dupree sported a very faux-sinister French moustache a few years ago, and Ron Bass wore an evil handlebar moustache as well.




VI



The "Superstar"



I'll say that Billy Graham is one of the whiniest and most hypocritical people in wrestling history. He professes to be a devout Christian, yet frequently bad mouths other people in the business, and wishes them eternal torment in Hell. Nevertheless, he's sported two absolutely awesome styles of facial hair: "The Giant Pointy Sideburns" and what I'm calling the "Superstar," a goatee where the horseshoe moustache portion and a strip in the middle of the chin have been bleached and the rest of the goatee is left its natural color. I can't explain why, but I absolutely love it. The fact that he was wearing his beard like this in the late 70s, early 80s just makes it even better, as it shows just how far ahead of the curve he was. Graham was a true innovator and his facial hair, both types, are a testament to that fact. Graham's multi-colored goatee has been emulated by Scott and Rick Steiner and "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.




V



The "Brody"



Bruiser Brody was a wild hardcore brawler before hardcore wrestling was commonplace, and his matches with wrestlers like Jerry Blackwell, Kamala, and Abdullah the Butcher often ended up as bloodbaths. Brody's wild demeanor inside and outside of the ring was accentuated by his wild and free-growing beard, which made him look like a madman. Brody was immensely popular, but had a bad reputation in the wrestling business because he frequently refused to job and often would "no-sell" the moves of wrestlers he disliked. His bad backstage attitude at least partially led to his murder in 1988. Nevertheless, Brody's hardcore style went onto influence other hardcore wrestlers like Mick Foley and The Necro Butcher (who also sports a "Brody" beard) and his facial hair has no doubt inspired wrestlers like The Berserker and Mike Knox.




IV



The "Stone Cold"



There have been countless wrestlers that have worn simple goatees, but few have done it as famously as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Goatees have always been the facial hair of choice for most people wanting to look a little more badass, so it makes perfect sense for an upstart heel wrestler to grow out a goatee (or moutee) to let the fans know he is serious and is there to kick some ass. I'm not even going to try to name all of the wrestlers before Austin to wear a goatee, but Austin helped revitalize that style of facial hair in pro-wrestling. As Austin's star rose so did the frequency of wrestlers growing goatees. Wrestlers like Goldberg, Test, Diamond Dallas Page, and on occasion Triple H all grew out goatees. Of course, Austin's goatee was accentuated by the fact that he shaved his head bald. It's almost impossible to imagine the Attitude Era without Steve Austin's trademark goatee.




III



The "Anvil"


Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart took the concept of the goatee to another level by growing his red facial hair out long and trimming it to a point. Like many wrestlers on this list his facial hair was as much a part of his character as anything else, as he would constantly pull on it during interviews and on his way to the ring. I always thought his beard and short flattop fit really well with his "Anvil" moniker, as his hair reminded me of the flat portion of an anvil and his beard reminded me of the pointy part on an anvil. The goatee also complemented his "screw-loose" personality, because you might need to be a little crazy to grow a beard like that. Not too many wrestlers have followed in the Anvil's facial hair footsteps but the Undertaker grew out a sinister pointed goatee during his Ministry of Darkness phase.




II



The "Hulkster"


Next to Adolf Hitler's little moustache, Hulk Hogan may have the second most recognizable moustache in the world. Once again it's almost impossible to imagine how different wrestling would have been had Hogan never grown out and bleached his seemingly indelible moustache. Could you imagine if some heel wrestler had come into the WWF, beat Hogan down and shaved off his moustache? The ensuing feud would have been epic! Of course WCW decided to do that angle, but they had had the Taskmaster and the Zodiac do it so it was rendered almost meaningless.



I always thought it would have been cool if someone shaved off the People's Eyebrow too. Anyway, there's not much to say other than Hogan's moustache is what makes Hulk Hogan look like Hulk Hogan, and has to be wrestling's most recognizable piece of facial hair. The only reason it's not number one is because number one is so infinitely badass.




I



The "Harley Race"


The "Harley Race" (which could also be known as the "Chester A. Arthur" to Presidential historians) is a simply magnificent piece of facial hair. It's part moustache, part sideburns, part beard, and one hundred percent badass. It's like a moustache that goes all the way to his hair, or sideburns that meet on his upper lip. Race didn't always wear this kind of facial hair, but nothing he wore, from his long sideburns, to his goatee, to his full beard ever matched the greatness of it. A few other wrestlers like Triple H and the reigning WWE Champion Sheamus, have emulated Race's greatest facial hair style.