The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 12.29.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.29.2009

Final 2009 Malebag, news on a debuting Hart, rumored WrestleMania 26 card, two Litas, and a look at the top Christmas presents for WWE Divas!!!

Cleaning Out the Malebag

I hate for any clutter to be leftover until the new year.



Young Bucked

From guyoncouch, "The Young Bucks, Matt and Nick Jackson. Not rapper Young Buck. FAIL"
From doublej , "I'm hoping that Young Buck bit was meant to be sarcastic, otherwise, YOU'RE FIRED!"
From jibbajabba, "Sorry but mistaking The Young Bucks for the rapper Young Buck isn't just a fail... it's an EPIC FAIL"
From mastershake, "Part of me thinks you were joking with the whole Young Buck/Young Bucks mix up. But with that said, if it was a serious mistake, then your column has lost all credibility. If you don't even take the time to read your site's main page, how can I take your opinion seriously."

And you wonder why I love doing stupid shit in my news reports. May more tag teams with the same name as rappers try out for TNA or WWE in 2010, please? C'mon guys, even I am not that retarded.

Christmas Presents

From M-X, "Just want to point out that this isn't the first time they've tried to lighten up and have fun before the holidays-- remember last year's main event was Santino & Beth vs Cena & Trish... and Cena barely made it through his promo without cracking up from being cold (John Chaina).

Honestly, I totally forgot about that. Sadly, the only thing I do remember about that mixed tag match was Cena's boner when Trish made her entrance. Not that I was staring at his junk, just that it was commented a bunch of times in last year's Small-For-All. No wonder Mickie James wanted to stalk Trish for a bit.

Mae Young

From loyal reader Brad B, "You typically rule Small, but Mae Young was NEVER entertaining or amusing, even when wrestling was at its peak. Always lame and forced. And at this point, having her come out and perform when she's 90 and can't remember her lines or how to maintain her balance shows Vince's lack of class."

And I disagree as I find Mae Young always entertaining. And seeing as this is my news report, I do not think Brad will like my "Best Mae Young Moment of the Decade" Award next week. (SPOILER: It's the one where she shows her boobz.)

That's Not Cool

From ???, "Can someone give me an update on the Carlito rumor. I have not heard it."

Honestly, Carlito was kept off of television for an unknown but potentially serious reason. And since the WWE has (for once) kept a secret that has not been leaked, one guest commenter kept posting that Carlito has HIV. Who knows if this is true, so I just referred to it as "The Package" to keep with my Trapped in the Closet reference from earlier in the news report.

Really?

From imhungrynomnomnom, "Hey which column does the sell of the week and the tell of the week? I thought it was this column, but i don't see it :("

Are you really fucking serious? But I guess if you are, you can…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

...never ask me that again!

I don't want a lot for Christmas. There's just one thing I need…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In the final Small-For-All of the 00s or the aughts or whatever the fuck this decade will be referred to on VH1, we cover such topics including the debut of a Hart, rumored matches for WrestleMania, Divas' Christmas gifts, and also, most importantly, take a look back at the year in 2009 postpone our Decade in Review for a week.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Debut of a Hart

Contrary to popular belief, I actually read other articles posted at 411Mania. Last week, during a brief lull in the Christmas activities, I decided to check out the most recent Fact or Fiction. The final question asked whether Bret Hart's return to Raw on January 4th would have a greater impact than Hulk Hogan's TNA debut. While I agree with both Michael and Shawn that Hart's return does have a greater impact if only because Hogan has whored himself out to VH1, CMT, MTV, WWE, ETC, ETC, that each reintroduction is less meaningful than the previous time. Now if this was Hogan's first appearance in years, I easily would say his return would be greater, but it's not. Anyway, towards the end of Michael Bauer's response, he stated "BERT HART DOESN'T NEED THE WWE!!!" which led to this response: "Who the Fuck is Bert Hart?" Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you all to Bert Hart.

Bert Hart was born in Baltimore, MD and was orphaned at a young age and raised by his grandmother Josephine, who is largely responsible for his strict moral code. For more than ten years, Bert has made his living holding up drug dealers, and staying alive "one day at a time". He is legendary around Baltimore for his characteristic shotgun, trench coat, facial scar, and whistling "The Farmer in the Dell". Every time people see or hear him coming they run, even the children. He repeatedly demonstrates exceptional skill at surveillance and as a stick-up man and shooter, further contributing to his feared status as an efficient professional. He is also highly intelligent and cunning, consistently executing well-laid plans, anticipating moves, and outsmarting his adversaries. Once a month, he accompanies his elderly grandmother to church. He also has a brother, "No Heart" Anthony, who is incarcerated for a jewelry store robbery in the early '90s.

And with that you are now aware of who Bert Hart is. Obviously after reading this, it's quite obvious that Bert Hart definitely does not need the WWE. Hell, I am not even sure if Bert owns a TV. But if he does, it will only be a one-time deal.

Oh wait Bauer meant Bret Hart – God, you guys are silly sometimes.

Rumored WrestleMania Plans

With all this talk about Bret Hart's return leading to a possible match/confrontation at WrestleMania, it's only about time that here at the Small-For-All will we also speak on the upcoming Grand Daddy of Them All. From the Observer and Figure 4 Weekly, the rumored WrestleMania 26 matches include:

Sheamus vs. Triple H (title?)

The Undertaker vs. HBK – WrestleMania rematch

Edge vs. Chris Jericho

Of course, this is all with a grain of salt as plans change many times before WrestleMania – take last year's last-minute card for example. I would hope that the WWE does not follow last year's model as none of the main matches last year had an epic feel leading into the match (though HBK vs. Taker I did exceed expectations) due to a short build. Of the above, both Edge/Jericho and HBK/Taker II already have history which should lead to a more satisfying build. As for Triple H vs. Sheamus, hey, if the WWE plans to keep Sheamus at the top of the card, then a match with The Game makes a ton of sense (especially if the WWE puts Sheamus over).

Of course, looking at the above, it's quite surprising that John Cena's name has not been linked to a match but there's plenty of time to find a suitable opponent for him. Perhaps this will be the year that Cena vs. Batista will happen at WrestleMania.

Two Litas?

From Matt Hardy's twitter account:



With this caption: "The NEW & IMPROVED Team Extreme.. Matt, Jeff, & TWO Litas.. Whoa!! Love it!"

Um, why is Hardy still talking about Lita? Is he trying to work the intranetz again? Or does he really miss Amy Dumas? Seeing as how Lita and Punk's relationship is going well enough that no one hears about it, is Hardy jealous of what has transpired? Sure, Lita fucked around and Hardy did the right thing by beating Edge up in a Steel Cage match, but must we still continue speaking about it three years later. Perhaps Hardy should just work to get himself back over like he was a year ago. Because this last year has not been kind to Version 1.

DIVAS CHRISTMAS GIFTS

While some announcers received Cole for Christmas, others were much luckier. Here are my Top 3 Favorite Christmas Gifts that some of our favorite Divas received!

3) Jillian Hall's Kush Support



You know, because she has really fake bolt-ons.

2) Layla's Comfort Wipe



You know, because she has a big ass.

1) Mickie James's Shake Weight



You know… because she cares for dynamic inertia… yeah, dynamic inertia.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Engaging

According to her Facebook page, over the weekend, Christy Hemme got engaged. This should come as no surprise as Hemme just recently retired from in-ring action. Unlike other recent engagements with Lauren Brooke and Lillian Garcia, Hemme will not be leaving TNA. Because she's always waiting on hope that Batista will find her the next time she's in Orlando. I'm kidding I'm kidding. Unlike Brooke and Garcia, Hemme has the wrestling bug still left in her. She's like a way hotter Brett Favre, really, with much better jeans.



Though, I always though Hemme looked much sexier in a thong or lingerie than in her Playboy Spread. Talk about being airbrushed to death.

And yeah, that's it for TNA NEWS. Perhaps I should have saved my Young Buck joke for this week.


The Year in Review

For all intents and purposes, I was pretty excited at the possibility of a "chill" Monday night after a weekend full of Holiday parties. In fact, I had planned an absolutely retarded look at the Last Decade of wrestling/my life/the Great Khali that would have pleased a few of you. And then, at 4:30PM Eastern Time, I was offered two tickets to watch the hapless New Jersey Nets. So yes, while all of you are watching a "memorable" Raw, I will be rooting on a hapless team that is about to lose its 29th game. But hey, I am a glutton for punishment.

So due to my personal life getting in the way of my "shits and giggles" wrestling news report, I am sad to say that the Year/Decade in Review is delayed until next week. Perhaps I'll even be a good little boy and complete it early. Yeah right. But hey, once next Monday's monumental WWE vs. TNA encounter ends, at least you will have plenty to read in the Small-For-All.

But to make things up for you, I will give a sneak peek of one of my award winners.

The 2009 Angelina Love Picture of the Year



Even Test and Albert never looked this good!

Until next week's extravaganza…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!