The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 01.12.10

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.12.2010

The Return of a King, Recent WWE Releases, More Rumored WrestleMania Matches, A Wedding and A Funeral, Raw Thoughts, Tons of TNA News, and Most Importantly, Last Week's Feedback is Addressed in the Malebag!!!

The Excitement is Gone

I must say that this week is nowhere near as exciting as last. Sure we have our second "Monday Night War" – only this time with UFC competing against Raw – but there's not nearly as much buzz as there was last week. Which is really a shame in my book. The selfish part of me would love for TNA to be on Monday Night each week if it would bring the sort of excitement that was buzzing around last week. Sure, in order to keep shocking the world, TNA would have to bring in such superstars like Heidenreich, Bill DeMott, Chavo Classic, and of course, the Ultimo Dragon. But hey if TNA could continue their raid of ex-WWE superstars, I'd fucking love it. (By the way, I am not being sarcastic here. I would really like to see Little Johnny in TNA). Unfortunately for this week, we are only stuck with Iron Mike Tyson.

So with my mood not being nearly as good due to the above and also with the shocking revelation that the one baseball player that I always trusted stabbed me and the rest of America in the back with a HGH needle, who knows how today's Small-For-All will turn out. All I do know is that I am in desperate need of some filler. And what better way to fill up a news report than with another edition of the malebag!!!

"I'm Going to Wear You Out"


Sponsored by Hungry Man

In today's malebag, we will take a look at all of last week's feedback. Well not all of it. Seriously there were 57 comments last week – that's double than what I usually get. Hell, I don't think I've gotten near 50 since that one report where I spent the entire time writing about who was fucking who and how much TNA wrestlers make. Ah, memories.

TNA vs. Raw

Judging from the comments, the overwhelming majority of you thought that TNA put on the better show last week. And you know what, after reading that the second and third hours put the first abysmal hour to shame, you could be right. But I can't agree with you since I never watched the second and third hours. (And don't even try to get me to watch TNA on Thursdays. Thursday nights belong to Paulie D, the Situation, and Snickers!)

For those of you who are pissed that I am a WWE mark, such is life. If I can live through 2002-2005 when the WWE force fed me shit including countless Test pushes, Tommy Dreamer: Jackass, Kenzo Susuki, Katie Vick etc. etc, then I guess I'm sticking with them for life. That said, I did mention last week ‘s edition was definitely not the greatest Raw of all time. I think we all were anticipating a flawless Raw program and it was not. However, it was solid enough, thanks to hot opening and closing segments (I'm all for a long build between Vince and Bret), that I was happy with watching it.

Oh and Maryse is fucking awesome. Belee dat.

End of the Year Award Voting

From midcard madness , "I didn't see your name on the End of Year Awards for voting, yet your the most important writer on here, there for they are all invalid without your vote."

Looking back at what I wrote last week, I realized that I never explained why I do my own set of voting. Well last year, I was kicked out of staff voting due to my persistence that the Great Khali should get his own set of categories like "Tallest Wrestler in the WWE" or "Punjabi Prince of the Year." However, the "Powers to Be" were unhappy with my ideas so I took my ball and ran with it.

Plus, I really do not watch enough wrestling to even qualify for end of year voting. On average, I watch about 75% of WWE PPVs, Raw almost every week due to this news report, ECW only if there is no quality softcore porn on and/or Man vs. Food, and that's about it. A few weeks ago, I realized that I have HDNet, yet I couldn't make it through one episode of ROH. As for TNA, I was doing much better with the program when they had a Saturday morning replay. Honestly, should my viewership really count for End of Year awards? I don't think so. That's why I do things my own way where I can reward myself and those moments I actually see.

From Ultra Gepetto , "I thought the Small-For-All segment of the year was the introduction of Ninja Dog and Duncan Hines brownie from Hungry Man dinner. Please bring these two fan favorites back soon."

Yeah, that one Small-For-All was really for the dogs. As for the perfect brownie from the Hungry Man dinner, ask and ye shall receive.



I am still in shock that for five dollars I can get Grade-A Mexican enchiladas, refried beans, rice, and a fucking brownie! I think I just jizzed in my pants.

Nostalgia

From Jason , "I think it's funny that TNA gets accused of being too "nostalgic" and WWE gets a pass. Seriously, the big draw of WWE's show was 1. Bret, 2. DX, 3. Big Show/Jericho, and 4. McMahon. Ummmm...these dudes are all old school too."

And I just thought I was being funny.

From Hopper the man, "Well it is obvious that your humor isn't for me."

…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

(RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)²

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that has the inside deal for a five layer burrito for $.89, the Small-For-All News Report! In today's report, we take a look at the return of a King, tons of spring cleaning, another rumored WrestleMania match, a wedding and a funeral, and tons of TNA news. Or not.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Return of a King

From dot.net, "Booker T was close to returning to WWE. However, he asked for a deal that included a very limited number of house show dates. A well-placed source notes that Booker asked for "an HBK-style deal," which led to negotiations falling apart."

By HBK-style deal, one can assume he means a lot of money for working little or no house shows and not necessarily every television taping. One of Booker's main gripes with the WWE when he originally left was their grueling schedule which he has no interest in partaking with. Well that and the fact that he failed a wellness test.

Honestly, Booker's really not worth it at this stage in his career. After listening to an interview where he discussed his disastrous TNA run, he really believes that he should be a PTPer (prime time player, baby) or at the very least, a special attraction. And honestly, Booker is neither. True, he had a great reign as King Booker but he rarely busts out a classic match, cannot carry other wrestlers, and has no appealing opponents in the WWE.

Now if Booker wanted to come back for a one-time Royal Rumble appearance (ala RVD last year) or even better as a WWE announcer, I'm all for that. Just listen to Black Snow below.



Spring Cleaning

From the Observer, "Recent WWE developmental departures that are now confirmed include Chris "The Bambikiller" Raaber (Christoph Herzog), DJ Gabriel (Steve Lewington), Sweet Papi Sanchez (José Torres), Dino Carter (Rashard Goff), Lennox McEnroe (Byron Wilcott), Leroy Morgan (Max McGuirk) and Lift Sawyer (Aaron Reed). Morgan is the son of former WWE announcer Mike McGuirk and the grandson of legendary wrestling promoter Leroy McGuirk."

Of the above, the one I have even heard of is DJ Gabriel. Unfortunately for him, he was stuck with a silly European dance gimmick (which worked so well for Sylvan) during one of ECW's New Talent Initiatives. While Alicia Fox and even Tyson Kidd (who debuted around the same time last year) have moved onto bigger and better things, Gabriel seemed to fall off the earth after a few months. Honestly, the last time I can remember seeing him was during a signing session at WrestleMania Access. As for the rest, the only one I'm upset to see go is Chris "The Bambikiller" Raaber since that nickname is fucking awesome. Then again, the WWE can easily give that nickname to another developmental talent.

You might be wondering why the WWE is already cleaning house this early in the year. Clearly, it's for this guy.



Hey if the Situation costs $7500 to come to my Super Sweet 16, then Ron Ron won't be much cheaper for the WWE. But as you can see, this kid's got potential to master Cena's ground and pound techniques. And look at that all natural build!

WrestleMania Plans

As always, SPOILERS below. Well, so far, these are the rumored matches for WrestleMania 26:

Vince McMahon vs. Bret Hart
Triple H vs. Sheamus
The Undertaker vs. HBK II
Edge vs. Chris Jericho
Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase

And now we have one more to add - CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio – Hair vs. Mask!

Well, you can't say the WWE is not going all out with this card. While at first I was hoping that Batista/Rey was going to be saved until WrestleMania, with Mysterio postponing surgery and the fact that that match has been done to death this month, I would definitely be interested in a Punk/Mysterio feud. Those two had an excellent match at Armaggedon 2008 and I can definitely see them topping it now with a proper face/heel alignment (both men were faces in their previous match). Plus it sure as hell beats watching both of them in Money in the Bank again.

Now with this inclusion, we are up to six rumored matches. Throw in Money in the Bank and a Women's match and we almost have a full rumored card. Of course, that's without these usual suspects – John Cena, Batista, the Big Show, and Matt Hardy (just kidding). I'm really now starting to believe that we will finally end up with Cena vs. Batista. Show, Kofi, Christian, and the assortment of midcarders will be thrown into Money in the Bank.

A Wedding and A Funeral

Happy news for ECW's GM Tiffany and IC Champion Drew McIntyre who announced their engagement last week. They plan to marry in May.

Sad news for friends and family of Ludvig Borga who passed away on Sunday. No news has been released as to the cause of death but suffice to say that it had nothing to do with Lex Luger's steel forearm. All kidding aside, Borga would have been my man-crush (no homo) back in 1993. Seriously.

Who let Tyson have an open mic? See this is where Jericho was needed for Raw – just to shut up guest hosts who cannot speak. "You screwed Shawn" chant was pretty funny though.

Opening segment was decent though Tyson should not be allowed to speak. I don't like the fact that the WWE can do an Orton vs. Cena match by way of Kobe Johnson, but if it leads to the correct result (Cena winning) then I am fine with it.

While I love Kelly Kelly in hotpants, these leopard shorts aren't too bad. I wonder if they are made out of the Undertaker's ripped Survivor Series 2000 pants.

I can't see Randy Orton winning this triple threat match when the money is with a feud with Ted DiBiase. And the only way for DiBiase vs. Orton can begin is if one of them eliminates the other in the Rumble.

So when did Evan Bourne become the de-facto face tag team partner? You think MVP can put aside his US title chase to tag up with Henry once again.

This just in – the Roadie will return to the WWE at the Royal Rumble!

God damn, the Cross Rhodes on Evan Bourne is a thing of beauty.

Shawn Michaels wants closure with Mike Tyson. God, this guy is needy.

Jericho and Tyson vs. DX tonight. Which of course brings up one problem with the Guest Host concept – nothing leads to PPV buys. While Tyson might not bring the buyrates like he used to, it would definitely bring appeal that is sorely missing on most PPVs.

The All-American American American Top Rope Challenge vs. the All-Italian Italian Italian Top Rope Challenge. Swagger might be in deep shit after this loss.

You know Kofi's jumping ten punches would never work against the Undertaker.

Well now we have the reason for dissention within Legacy. That run-in was really fucked up. Between the obnoxiously loud sound from Rhodes dropkicking the stairs into Cena to DiBiase taking years to whiff on hitting Kofi, it was a really crappy way to end a decent triple threat match.

Man, how pissed was Orton at the end of the match? I wonder if Kofi tried to Ken Kennedy him at some point in the match.

Heel vs. heel at the Rumble. Really? Because Kurt Angle vs. Triple H from 2001 was that darn good.

My God, Tyson threatening Hornswoggle is the greatest thing in the world. I take back any bad words I have said about Tyson's guest host job.

Woah, did Miz just call MVP a mutt? What do you mean, you people?

Seriously though, the Miz just gave the Promo of the Year. Mark it down now. Hell, I will even break my boycott and vote for him in next year's End of the Year awards. Cot damn, was that awesome.

While MVP's part of the promo hasn't hit Miz levels, this is the most intense dueling promo, we have seen in a long time.

I love how Maryse actually called the match boring. Since it was. Another reason why she rules.

After seeing the brackets, I guess the final will be Maryse vs. Gail Kim?

I doubt Tyson would turn on Jericho. I mean, wouldn't that be as obvious as knowing that Jay Leno's 10PM show would bomb?

VINTAGE TYSON!!! Too bad Iron Mike had issues with getting his shirt over his large belly.

Woah – Raw really is War this week!

After last week's "historic' Raw, this week's follow up was a mixed bag. On one hand, Tyson was a fine host (due to wanting to kill Hornswoggle), the Miz's promo was tremendous, and the triple threat #1 contender's match was solid. On the downside, there's been very little build to the Royal Rumble, McMahon's follow up promo to last week's Hart confrontation wasn't anything to write home about, and worst of all, two Diva's matches! Here's hoping the WWE can step it up next week as we only have two more weeks of build before my second favorite PPV of the year.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources, in rapid fire session.

Various rumors all indicate that the six-sided ring will not make it past January.

On one hand, you take away one of TNA's more noticeable differences from the WWE. On the other hand, you get rid of that stupid six sided ring. Advantage: negativity.

Scott Steiner's future is in question.

It's a shame considering that Big Poppa Pump has been ten times better in TNA than during his awful stint in the WWE. Then again, it might be time for Steiner to hang up his pumps and make way for a new generation of wrestlers including Petey Williams.

There is heat on X-Pac for showing up way late at the TNA tapings last week.

My money's on X-Pac (and Scott Hall) being out of TNA by March. Hell, I can see them barely making it through their first PPV match.

Ric Flair has stated in interviews that he hadn't heard from the WWE since June (when they pitched a GM spot for him).

He also stated that he will continue to prostitute himself out for money, which will immediately go to one of his many ex-wives. Oh the life he lives.

Jeremy Borash states that a "big" name wrestler is set to debut at Genesis.

My first hunch is Goldberg, but now I hear that he's lost a lot of weight on the Taco Bell Diet. Pity.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Honestly, I have nothing on the docket for next week. Save me Y2J!!!

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!