The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 01.19.10

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.19.2010

Early Retirement, Brian Kendrick: Smoker, Cena’s Possible Injury, Kenny Dykstra: Reality Star, Tyler Reks Hates Flying, TNA Silences Their Fans, Bubba Won’t Stop Talking, Lashley's Favorite Things, AND My Raw Thoughts!!!

Early Retirement

I guess it was inevitable. But unfortunately all good things must come to an end. You see when I originally took over the Tuesday news report time slot, I thought it was permanent. Larry Csonka, boss man and the old inhabitant of the slot, decided to slowly transition to the Admin side of 411Mania and needed a multitude of people to take over popular columns of his (in addition to this news report, Csonka also wrote My Take On:, the 4Rs, the Impact Report, Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place, a bunch of stuff over in MMA, and of course, Hidden Highlights (under an alias known as JP Prag)). Considering that he gave up everything to take over the Admin side, I really really thought I was safe. Until late last week when I received an email from Head Honcho, Ashish. This is what the email stated:

Csonka returns after the Olympics to take over your Tuesday Night spot. We'd move you back to Sundays if you'd like. If not, go fuck yourself.

PS – Say hi to Hyatte for me.

Hugs and Kisses,
Ashish

It would be an understatement to say that I was blown… away by this email. I really thought that I had a plushy spot with a decent lead-in, but I guess Randle's audience has dwindled away due to his reliance on a cat and that stupid Neil Patrick Harris gif. Can't you at least use some Vintage NPH from Harold and Kumar, Randle? With hits down (I guess?), Ashish made the executive decision to bring back Csonka, leader of the hits parade. I guess at the end of the day Csonka's familiar golf stories, slices of his family life, and pictures of hot girls grab a larger audience than my reliance on the Great Khali, gay jokes, Patrick Swayze (RIP), and a great deal of randomness.

So what's a man to do? Do I take Ashish up on the Sunday offer even though I really think it would besmirch the Small-For-All brand? Surely, I would sell less "Small-For-All" thongs on a weaker timeslot. And what kind of message is this sending to future 411 writers – anything is possible unless Csonka wants to do it?

Or should I suck up my pride and move to another website? Clearly, InsideSchwartz (or whatever it's called) could use a news reporter with my tenure. Widro loved stealing 411 writers before. Who's to say he wouldn't want another?

You guys would follow me there, right?

Right?

Right?

Eh, heh.

Good thing I really don't need that answer from you as I LIED. (No shit, I know.) Csonka's not coming back. And you want to know why?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

HE ALREADY WORKS AROUND THE CLOCK!!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that is smart enough not to see any movies that are released in January. Seriously as a rule of thumb, the majority of movies released in January suck. Not saying they all do (Taken was pretty good last year), but the majority do. Like Dwayne Johnson's latest Disney movie "The Tooth Fairy." What a fall from grace, Senor Rock. C'mon Disney, he was in Doom… Doom. Don't always pay him top dollar for kid's movies. Find another "rasslin" star who likes starring in movies – like Goldust.

Anyway, in today's news report, we speak on a variety of topics including Jeff Hardy returning to the WWE, Brian Kendrick's smoking habits, Cena's possible injury, who is the next Reality TV star, why Tyler Reks hates to fly, TNA silencing their fans, Hogan asking Lashley to choose between his favorite things, and my Raw thoughts!!!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Honestly, not much news to speak of this week. And instead of droning on constantly about mundane news, let's at least attack this quick and dirty style.

Biten' Newsbites

Even after his indictment, WWE contacted Jeff Hardy on January 5th hoping that he'd come back to the WWE.

Really WWE? Are you that fucking desperate? While Jeff Hardy was clearly the most popular superstar this past summer and made a shitload of money, there must be a reason why he signed with your competition. And I doubt it has to do with his fat fans. Or even Shannon Moore. (It's a very light schedule with him not working any house shows.)

Rumor has it that Sheamus vs. Randy Orton was signed once the WWE found out that Cena has bulging discs in his back. No word on the severity of Cena's back pain.

I guess Cena is finally getting tired of carrying the WWE for the last few years. That said, it's still surprising to see how directionless Cena has become recently. He's clearly the WWE's biggest superstar yet there is no buzz with him heading into the Road to Wrestlemania.

In a recent interview, Brian Kendrick stated that he smoked tons of cigarettes only to piss off Vince McMahon (who hates smokers).

So wait, you are that unhappy with your job that you decide to chain smoke for shits and giggles. Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like an upcoming plot to a 1000 Ways to Die episode?

Eric Escobar was released by the WWE.

This goes to show you that nothing good ever comes out of eating Mexican.

Jerry Springer has been tapped to host the February 15th episode of Raw.

Well at least both have the same target audience. Honestly, I love trashy television so here's hoping we get a special TV-14 rating for this edition.

WWE the Music – A New Day will be released on January 28th.

Judging by the tracklist (which you can find elsewhere), the only song I would have the least bit interest in picking up is Zack Ryder's theme. It's sad too since I used to pick up these compilations – ten years ago. You know, back when people actually bought CDs. Way before there was such a thing known as the IPOD. Man, I'm old.

Kenny Dykstra will be a contestant on Seducing Cindy, a reality show where contestants compete to fall in love with Cindy Margolis.

You know when I see Elijah Burke or Matt Morgan on TNA, I think to myself that both men really could have been something in WWE. Sadly, the same does not apply to Kenny Dykstra. Though at least, he is not a contestant on Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair.

Tyler Reks had an incident on a plane last week as he felt unsafe and wanted to exit the plane.

Or he truly had enough with those motherfucking snakes on his motherfucking plane.

I know, I know, too easy.

Thank God that Martin Luther King Jr. did not die from steroids or else I doubt we would get a classy opening once a year.

Cue the "We Want Bret" piped chants. But instead of Bret, we have the Undertaker. And boy does his entrance look good in HD (I don't have My Network TV in HD.)

This might be the best that Taker has been on the mic since he informed the world that Linda McMahon gave him a fat ass contract.

And woah, the Undertaker has turned down Shawn Michaels! Honestly, I wasn't expecting that. But Taker wants to fight Shawn Michaels tonight. And Shawn turns that down. God, way to kill the crowd within the first 20 minutes of the show.

Shawn Michaels to win the Rumble and fight Taker at WrestleMania – I really doubt it. In fact, how awesome would it be for Triple H to eliminate Shawn? Hell anyone who eliminates HBK has a ready-made feud.

Hey Evan Bourne gets a rematch with Sheamus! Aren't there any other credible jobbers left on Raw? Or has MVP been promoted enough at least to last through the Rumble?

Thirty minutes in and no sign of the guest hosts! Either the WWE really wants to promote the Royal Rumble PPV or they have no faith in the hosts. I guess the latter.

Oh boy, here's our guest hosts… sorry host… in an unfunny skit with DX. And wow did they already bury Jon Heder. I don't remember what Triple H's incident with Heder was but was that really necessary? Though I am glad that Carlito got lame joke duty and not Santino.

Two weeks in a row that Swagger gets mic time. I'm glad for it as even with his speech impediment, he clearly needs the time to get better on the mic as I damn believe he could be a main eventer in this company. Or definitely in TNA.

Looks like Swagger is getting Christian's losing gimmick. Could a feud with DDP happen in the near future?

I hope "When In Rome" is not a remake of that Olsen Twins movie.

Jon Heder actually makes a decent heel. The Lane Kiffin shoutout was great as was introducing the Miz. And yes, the Miz is awesome and no, that's not a Miztake.

Woah, MVP gets more promo time. And even better, he has set a realistic expectation for himself at the Royal Rumble – just eliminate the Miz and not worry about winning the Rumble. No wonder why more people do not look up to him.

Ya know, perhaps I underestimated Don Johnson and Jon Heder as guest hosts. Not only are they not making total fools of themselves, we are actually getting a decent build to the Rumble tonight.

Nice tag match with Cena & Kofi vs. Legacy. I'm glad Kofi picked up the victory since clearly Cena doesn't need it. Plus, we might even have a little dissention in Legacy.

Poor Heder's going to have to play the Game tonight!

Eve and Gail Kim? If this is the best that the WWE has on Raw, I think it's time to merge the Divas rosters. And Eve wins with a cross-armbreaker. Yikes.

Oh wow, a Ric Flair robe for Jon Heder. I can't wait to see what type of joke they come up with for Orlando Jordan. Oh wait, the jokes on TNA for that one.

Hmm, a Triple H and McMahon segment. Sure, we know that both are related but it's weird for a heart to heart talk between McMahon, a heel, and Triple H, who's a face. Even weirder is that Triple H is actually not talking ill about Hart in this segment.

What happened to the Masterpiece music for Chris Masters? This new theme is not even good enough to be part of WWE the Music Vol 23.

Well Sheamus needed to have some sort of an advantage heading into the Rumble. Will Randy Orton be turning face in the near future? Especially if a feud with Legacy is coming up?

Hey wait, isn't Triple H the legal man? This DX victory shouldn't count!!! Oh well, harmless fun in the main event with Heder. Color me surprised (pale white) at actually being entertained by these guest hosts.

And Hunter's big announcement to Shawn Michaels is – that he is entering the Royal Rumble. No surprise here.

Good Raw this week. The guest hosts were much better than I was expecting and we got a good build for the upcoming Royal Rumble PPV. Why can't every week be like this?


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

But Do They Have Benefits?

From this week's Impact spoilers, "Before the tapings started, the Impact Zone crowd was addressed by members of the TNA staff. They talked to the crowd about not cursing, making obscene gestures, or gang signs. They called the crowd 'cast members' and basically told the crowd that they needed to be quiet."

Somehow I do not think this is a good idea. While at times annoying, TNA's fanbase is passionate, vocal, and darn entertaining at times. Plus, a hot crowd can only help enhance TNA's product by actually making people want to be a part of the show. If TNA wants silence, then why don't they invade the Jay Leno show?

Then again, after reading this coming week's Impact spoilers, I can see why this announcement was made. Yes, kids, the booking on Thursday's Impact is so mindboggling that I bet they were afraid of the crowd turning on the show. While I hate to spoil the upcoming show, let me just use these hints to express my disgust at some of the booking (SPOILERS) – one of Sunday's stipulations is broken, one rising superstar is derailed by one of the worst free agent acquisitions, the Nasty Boys wrestle a match, AND what can only be described as the "Orlando Screwjob." Groan, indeed.

I Wish He Stuttered

Surprisingly, Hulk Hogan has been quiet this past week. However, his buddy Bubba the Love Sponge can't shut the fuck up. To sum things up, Bubba said that he doesn't care about Haitians and black puppets a few days ago. This prompted TNA to ask Bubba to not attend Monday's production meeting (which Bubba claimed he was invited to). This prompted Bubba to whine about TNA not being fun anymore since Easy E is there. Which of course, led to Bubba apologizing (kinda) on Twitter since he still wants a job with the company. At the end of it, it was nothing more than a minor distraction on a holiday.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Many wrestlers were surprised when they arrived at the Impact Zone on Sunday and found a four-sided ring.

I am surprised that no one talked about how smooth the in-ring action was at Genesis considering the majority of the wrestlers were used to a six sided ring. Then again, Ken Anderson is still not used to a four-sided ring.

Some wrestlers are feeling disgruntled with the arrival of plenty of new stars.

If I were a betting man, my money's on Christopher Daniels. He went from main eventing a PPV with AJ Styles to having to walk an insomniac porn star through a match. Too bad he couldn't learn from Bret Hart's performance at Summerslam 1992 for his match at Genesis.

Flair's alignment with AJ Styles is the beginning of a storyline leading to a Flair vs. Sting match.

Yup sounds about right.

Destination X is rumored to be a X-Division only show.

Honestly, that's not a bad idea. I just do not know if there is enough star power in the X Division anymore to attract a large buyrate. Then again, all the star power hasn't effected buyrates yet.

The rumored next live Monday show is early March (the 1st or the 8th).

How many more ex-WWE superstars can TNA sign up by then? I don't even want to know.

Hulk Hogan wants Bobby Lashley to make a choice between wrestling and MMA stating that he can only do one.

But what if Lashley chooses this:



Honestly, that picture will never get old.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

God, I was quite negative this week. Perhaps, I will have a sunnier disposition in seven. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!