The 411mania Imperial Rumble 01.30.10: Round II

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 01.30.2010

Last year, Stephen Randle and Larry Csonka screwed over the 411 staff. Will Thomas, Lansdell and Sforcina get the revenge they are desperately searching for? Will J.D. Dunn be eliminated by a woman....again? Will Mike Campbell give the match a star rating? Will Samuel Berman even find his way to the arena?

Morgan: Live, from a jam-packed Amsterdam Arena, in front of 56,178 screaming fans, readers and trolls, it's the second Annual 411 Staff Imperial Rumble! I am your host, Keith Morgan. To my left is my co-host, the guy who will never give you the willies, The Buddy Christ.
Buddy: That's right Keith "Don't Call Him Blueprint" Morgan, and this year is even more star-studded than the last. Csonka, Dunn, Gamble, Small, Slimmer, Lansdell and Thomas! Who is your prediction?
Morgan: For my money it'd definitely have to be Sfornica. The man is riding a wave of momentum into this match, having just won the vacant AWF Heavyweight Championship, and everybody knows that this much momentum on an object with this much mass makes it virtually unstoppable.
Buddy: That's a good pick, Morgan. The biggest man in the rumble more often than not wins it. I've got my money on Chris Lansdell though. We know how serious he is about this one after the events of last year.
Morgan: That's right Buddy, after last year's heinous betrayal by Randle, Lansdell is sure to be out for blood! Let's take it to Christi Csonka for the ring announcing!

Christi: It is now time for the IMPERIAL RUMBLE! In this match 2 writers will start in the ring. Every so often another writer will come to the ring in random order. Elimination can only occur when a writer goes over the top rope and BOTH feet touch the floor. The last writer standing in the ring will be declared the winner and will received a world title shot sometime in the near future! And now, introducing the individual who drew number 1.

Buddy: Sometime in the near future? That's kind of vague. What title?
Morgan: Last year we saw Csonka pass the title shot to daughter Hannah, who in a huge upset managed to beat Snowman by delivering a massive RKO straight out of her darling daddy's playbook. I don't think anyone has dared lay a hand on her since.


Entry #1: Chris Lansdell

Morgan: Well I certainly hope the money you have on Lansdell isn't your own! Here comes the big guy now, looking none to pleased. I know I'm supposed to be impartial here, but I can't help but suspect shenanigans in that particular drawing.
Buddy: NO! NO! NO! This is not fair to Lansdell! This is NOT FAIR to Lansdell!


Entry #2: Stephen Randle

Morgan: I'm inclined to agree with you there, he's positively fuming! Here comes the equally unlucky number two, and it's... RANDLE!
Buddy: Oh, this has to improve Lansdell's bad mood quite a bit. This is the man who screwed Lansdell out of a victory last year, and he has two minutes to play.
Morgan: Two minutes can seem like forever for a man in Randle's position, and he certainly doesn't seem to be in a hurry here.
Buddy: He's just staying outside of the ring. You'd think he'd welcome the hits, all things considered.
Morgan: Looks like Lansdell is taking matters into his own hands! He's on Randle's heels, and the Judas has no choice but to flee into the ring!
Buddy: I can't stand Judas.
Morgan: I'm sure you don't, but he did get you some good PR... anyway, the thunderclouds rolling overhead tell me to focus on the match again! It seems like Randle has given up on flight, and switched to fight mode! A big clothesline!
Buddy: That was the worst clothesline since Kelly Kelly! Wait, here we go, PIMP! HAND! STRONG!
Morgan: And Lansdell has tossed him over! But Lansdell's revenge is only partially complete, and chances are he'll have to survive for a long time to get his hands on Csonka!
Buddy: Randle is eliminated! Will he hang himself like the Judas he is? He certainly wouldn't be the first Canadian to do so.
Morgan: Could you please not start? My mother watches this thing!
Buddy: And I'm watching your mother. Who will the third entrant be?


Entry #3: Guest #1

Morgan: I'll just pretend you didn't say that... Oh dear, it's the commenter of commenters, Guest #1!
Buddy: The man, the myth, the legend! And what an incredible offense he has Morgan! LOLcats, WTFs, and one shot deals galore! Is it too late to change my pick?
Morgan: Yes it is Buddy. Looks like Guest #1 can haz had one Cheezburger too many though, he can barely climb the ring steps.
Buddy: Ah, but it's okay, because the LOLcopter is here to save him. He ducks a clothesline, and could it be? Yes! THE EPIC FAIL!
Morgan Epic fail indeed! Lansdell ducks it, and Guest #1 flops over the top rope!
Buddy: He certainly didn't pose much of a threat! Could it be true that these guests have more bark than bite?
Morgan: Impotent rage will always be just that, even if you're carying around 350 lbs of it. Lansdell is playing it smart, catching his breath.
Buddy: If anyone can eliminate every member one by one, Lansdell would be the man to do it! Who will number four be?


Entry #4: J.D. Dunn

Morgan: It's Dunn! Certainly not someone you want to face if you're looking to preserve some energy.
Buddy: You must be joking! This man was eliminated by a woman last year. I don't care how many pop culture references he makes, Lansdell is a far superior reviewer!
Morgan: You can't argue with the workrate, Buddy. And Dunn is right on top of Lansdell, taking him down with a back heel trip and grabbing a wristlock. Could it be? Is he? Yes! He's braiding Lansdell's fingers together!
Buddy: But Lansdell is right back with the Saskatchewan Spinning Nervehold! Those Canadians sure know how to wrestle.
Morgan: Yes, but submissions won't win you the rumble, and they only cost precious energy to apply. Wait a minute, it seems like Lansdell has caught on too! He's looking for the Burning Hammer!
Buddy: This will end it for sure, but Dunn has escaped and hits the half-nelson backbreaker! Shades of Roderick Strong!
Morgan: That looked painful, and Dunn is certainly feeling it. He's keeping a safe distance between himself and Lansdell as the counter runs down again and it's...


Entry #5: Aaron Hubbard

Morgan: …Hubbard!
Buddy: This is one of my favorite people in the match, Morgan. Not saying he's gonna win, but he and I are tight. And he's coming to the aid of Lansdell!
Morgan: But Dunn is fighting back! A drop toehold takes Hubbard to the mat, and Dunn is right on top of him with... something incredibly contrived yet painful looking.
Buddy: Well, God Boy does have a tendency to get in over his head. But now he and Lansdell are working together! LARIAT-DRAGON SUPLEX COMBO!
Morgan: And a young boy in the front row has just recieved a very nice personal souveneer as Dunn's teeth went flying on that one! They're dragging Dunn's corpse over to the ropes...
Buddy: And Lansdell tries to toss Hubbard! There are no friends in the Rumble, and Hubbard has just learned that the hard way
Morgan: Well, my notes say that the Hubbard/Landsell alliance still lasted about 30 seconds longer than the average Rumble alliance. Both men trying to eliminate each other, and they're in a precarious position as they trade forearms next to the ropes.
Buddy: AND LANSDELL HAS HIM IN THE CROSSFACE! Where is Aaron's Eddie Guerrero mask? I just hope Chris remembers to leave a Bible next to that poor soul.
Morgan: Will you stop it already! It seems like Dunn has decided to make the save, although I can't fathom why. Better to just let both men waste energy.


Entry #6: Rob McNew

Buddy: And now we have a new entrant...literally, as it's McNew! And this guy is smart, avoiding Dunn and going right after Hubbard.
Morgan: Well, Rumble alliances might not always last long, but it seems people will always take time out of their busy schedule to wail on Hubbard.
Buddy: I hear McNew wants to win this thing so he doesn't have to review RAW anymore. Can't blame him.
Morgan: Neither can I. Maybe the title shot will come with a chance to guest host. But it looks like the teamwork is over, as a donnybrook has broken out! All four men are trying to eliminate each other!
Buddy: And the "Dark Pegasus Kid" J.D. Dunn hits Lansdell with Rolling Germans!
Morgan: Lansdell is just limp in Dunn's arms! Meanwhile Hubbard is charging McNew... rolling elbow! McNew ducks! Hubbard is over!
Buddy: But he just holds on. That was a very Misawa-like elbow from Hubbard. What is it with that kid and dead legends?
Morgan: I honestly couldn't tell you Buddy, but it seems like Hubbard is indeed hanging on and climbing back into the ring as the timer starts running down again to bring in...


Entry #7: Michael Bauer

Morgan: Michael Bauer! Is it just me, or is he driving a forklift? What on earth is he going to need all that garbage for?
Buddy: There's plundah in the ring, if you weee-ill. And what plundah: a Weeble, Awesome Kong, three asses, The Sword of Omens, A set of Russian dolls, and Mike Campbell's crocs!
Morgan: It might be bad tactics, but it's good manners. He's brought enough for everyone.
Buddy: Including that Death Valley Driver for Dunn! And what in My Father's Name is Lansdell doing with those Russian Dolls?
Morgan: He's using them, that's one! It's the weapon within a weapon within a weapon within a... you get the point! The Russian nesting doll, or matryoshka or babushka doll, traditionally has at least five teirs, and it seems like he's making the most of them, cracking open a fresh one on each head within reach.
Buddy: It's an equal-opportunity offense, which seems oddly appropriate.
Morgan: He'll run out of dolls eventually though, and then he'll be in trouble. Meanwhile it seems that Hubbard has McNew,and he's looking to hit that devastating crucifix bomb
Buddy: I told him to stop doing that move! And it cost him as McNew countered by snapping off the hurracanrana, and now assaults him with the Sword of Omens!
Morgan: He's using it to savage Hubbard with! That's not what that sword was designed for!
Buddy: Hubbard gets put in the corner, and about time too! But now it's time for our next entrant.


Entry #8: Dustin James

Morgan: And the timer runs out to bring out... Dustin James! And he makes a beeline for Kong!
Buddy: And he sends her rolling into Hubbard's untested lower nutsack region!
Morgan: Look at the look on Hubbard's face! I know that look! The man has finally lost his virginity! Unfortunately for him, Kong isn't done with him yet! He's going up, and... is that Bubba the Love Sponge in the crowd?
Buddy: Why yes it is! And Kong is out of the ring and after Bubba! She's clobbering him and I hope he's as absorbent as a real sponge. THIS IS FOR HAITI! THIS IS FOR HAITI!Wow, if Guest #1's elimination didn't register on the Richter scale, this beating certainly did!
Morgan: WILL YOU STOP? Csonka has put us on a budget for FCC fines and that last one alone probably put us over it!
Buddy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologize. Wait a minute, who is that coming to the ring? Is it bell time already?
Morgan: It is! In all the confusion, we missed the counter! It's... who is that?
Buddy: Wait a minute! That's SAT and Chad Nevitt! They're not supposed to be in this thing!
Morgan: The referees are powerless to stop them! But Dustin James has the Weeble!
Buddy: And Nevitt is out! Elimination via wobbling! Nevitt DOES FALL DOWN! Wait a minute, he's not really in this anyway.
Morgan: It seems like everybody has paused their brawling to deal with this intrusion! Bauer has SAT! And a tremendous military press sends him flying onto Nevitt!
Buddy: He certainly took the high road that time! And now the bell really has run!


Entry #9: Steve Gustafon

Morgan: It's the movie zone's own Steve Gustafon!
Buddy: Who?
Morgan: Oh will you at least pretend to have done your homework?
Buddy: Oh, uh, right. The movie zone guy. Have you seen any good movies lately?
Morgan: Well, Avatar was nice enough, if only for the spectacle.
Buddy: My Dad won't let me see it. Too much praying to a mother goddess or something. But I do see Bauer and James trying to toss out Lansdell.
Morgan: But... is that Hubbard making the save?
Buddy: Hubbard tries to save everything. But no, he just dropkicked Lansdell out! NO! NO! NO! I just lost everything Morgan!
Morgan: Here comes Dunn, he has McNew up... and over! McNew is gone too!
Buddy: McNew is old news, and so is my bank account!
Morgan: Everybody is regrouping, and waiting for #10...


Entry #10: Jeremy Thomas

Morgan: …Jeremy Thomas!
Buddy: And a huge crossbody to both Bauer and James! We're one third through this Rumble and the names keep getting bigger and bigger!
Morgan: If we keep up this curve, we'll be seeing the pope by the time we hit thirty.
Buddy: D'Angelo Dinero? Thomas sends Hubbard over with a 1260 degree headscissors, but Hubbard is trying to skin the cat!
Morgan: But Thomas won't let him! A truly discombobulating superkick sends him flying to the floor!
Buddy: And what a pop for Hubbard's elimination. Thomas is certainly the fan favorite now, and he is my new pick to win the whole shebang. He just recently stepped out of Larry's shadow, but will he follow in his footsteps and win the Rumble?
Morgan: He certainly has a long ways to go, with twenty more entrants lined up. Here comes the next one, and it's...


Entry #11: Jasper Gerrettson

Morgan: Jasper Gerretson! And he has a mic!

Gerrettson: Bonjour, mes amis! Guttentag, meiner Hamen und Herren! And for the more genetic and culturally challenged in the crowd... howdy y'all! It seems like it's time once again for the Imperial Rumble, and what a pathetic collection of human refuse we have in this ring. I don't know why we even bother, as I'm a winner no matter how this ends up for me. Because unlike you gap-toothed yanks, I actually have a government that takes care of me, which means that I don't have to worry about what you neanderthals do to me. I can throw caution to the wind, because I don't have to worry about who is going to pay my medical bills, and I certainly don't have to depend on pleasing these ignorant fans to get them to pay them for me!

Buddy: How Very European of him Morgan. Didn't Hubbard use this stalling tactic last year?
Morgan: Well he certainly hasn't endeared himself to the fans... or the wrestlers in that ring for the matter. He's circling the ring, looking for a safe place to join the fray.
Buddy: Well, he won't have to worry about James, who just got tossed out by Dunn!
Morgan: How unfortunate, but Dunn seems to be on a roll. Gerretsen has finally made his way into the ring, and he's going after the only non-wrestling zone wrestler in the ring!
Buddy: I'm surprised he even noticed. And now, one of his signature moves, THAT WAS THEN! And he follows it up with IS THIS TOO? Gustafon is finished!
Morgan: That might not have eliminated Gustafson, but he's certainly out of it. Wait a minute, Jasper has a match! And paper! He's stalking Bauer! He's not going to fireball him, is he?
Buddy: That's a cigarette! An unfiltered Gauloise by the looks of it! Look at that thick black smoke filling the ring! How the hell is Gerretsen not affected by that!
Morgan: He's European! He's probably been smoking them since age nine! Jasper charges Bauer, leaping off Thomas! That's Poetry in Motion!
Buddy: Only a European would use a move called "Poetry". And Dunn clocks him with an enzugiri for being such a Dutch Douchebag!


Entry #12: Paul Cohen

Morgan:Thankfully the smoke is clearing, giving Paul Cohen the chance to enter the ring fresh.
Buddy: PAUL COHEN? This guy is like the anti-Meehan! I've never seen anyone so negative in my entire life! And I've been around for over 2,000 years!
Morgan: And... oh Sweet You, he has a mic too!

Cohen: What is this stupid fanfic garbage? This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of! The site has officially jumped the shark! You can sink no lower. This is absolute...

Buddy: And praise be to Myself, Thomas just delivered a Pele Kick! It just comes out of nowhere!
Morgan: Looks like the wrestlers have found someone they'd enjoy beating on even more than Gerretsen! They're fighting for the right to eliminate him! Thomas has him up... F-5 over the ropes!
Buddy: And another huge pop for a Thomas elimination! The fans love this man, Morgan, and so does the betting community.
Morgan: We're not even halfway there though... Bauer has recovered, and he's going after Gerretsen... who hangs on. Dunn is trying the same for Gustafson, but failing too.
Buddy: There's a lot going on, but nothing really happening. Kind of like a cabinet meeting with George Bush.
Morgan: Let's see if our next entrant can change that...


Entry #13: Jeff Small

Morgan: …it's Small!
Buddy: And look who's behind him! It's SAT and Chad Nevitt again! And they just drilled Small with Both Roads. His Rumble run might be over before it begins!
Morgan: Oh such a heinous... Wait! It can't be! It is!
Buddy: The World's Largest Indian, the Punjabi Playboy, The Deacon of Dud Ratings, THE GREAT KHALI! Small couldn't ask for a better rescue, and he is destroying SAT and Nevitt like they just killed a cow!
Morgan: And here I thought Small's crush only went one way... Oh now this is just creepy.
Buddy: He's worshiping Khali! I tell you what Morgan, 411mania is no place for religion. Small is an embarrassment to himself and everyone on this site.
Morgan: I suppose he just might be, but it's effective. Khali follows Small to the ring... this could get ugly...
Buddy: But here's Runjan Singh to talk some sense into the Giant. Small's bizarre fetish for men who smell of curry has gotten him nowhere. He's just lucky that Khali hasn't put him in the vicegrip yet!
Morgan: I'm a little rusty on my Hindi, but I believe the Punjabi Playboy is being lured to the back with the promise of chickens.


Entry #14: Daniel Wilcox

Buddy: And speaking of chickens, Daniel Wilcox is our next entrant!
Morgan: Will you look at that smile on his face? It's like he doesn't even notice Bauer standing behind him with the Sword of Omens! This is going to be ugly!

Bauer: Bauer: WHY DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR BLOODY CRUMPET-FUCKING BLURBS IN ON TIME!!!

Buddy: Wow, we really did to get the ring mics checked.
Morgan: Well the man does have a point... let's hope they have his type down at the blood bank.
Buddy: Bauer might regret using that Sword though, because Dunn just suplexed him with it. That could be a very bad omen indeed.
Morgan: How did he even manage to do that? It's as if... wait a minute, I just got a note from the truck... it seems like Gustafson was eliminated.
Buddy: Who?
Morgan: The guy from that place where half the news posts consist of wardrobe malfunctions.
Buddy: Oh, that guy. It seems like in all the commotion with Small and Khali, we missed Bauer throwing him out. That's got to be one of the top five most pointless eliminations ever.
Morgan: I'm sure it'll make some obscure top ten list somewhere... Ah, here's the replay... he's up... and over... yeah, even the elimination itself was bland.
Buddy: Almost as bland as The Village.


Entry #15: Scott Slimmer

Buddy: But things are about get heated in here, because Slimmer is our next entrant! And thank goodness, because Small hasn't been able to stop crying since Khali left. He's choking him with a b.W.o. shirt!
Morgan: But the tough love worked! The team of Slimmer and Small storm the ring! They've got Gerretsen! Looks like he's gone!
Buddy: Just like the rest of Europe, Jasper is no longer relevant!
Morgan: They're going after Bauer now! They're pounding him!
Buddy: THEY'RE TAKING OVER! And instead of teaming up to take out the 411 B-Team, Dunn and Wilcox can't help but fight amongst themselves!

PART TWO IS AVAILABLE HERE!