The Wednesday Small-For-All News Report: 02.10.10

Posted by Jeff Small on 02.10.2010

Khali-For-All, WWE Hall of Famers, Soma, the Undertaker’s Knees, Cena vs. Batista, My Thoughts on the NXT Program, Angle’s Favorite Food Groups, Ric Flair’s Return to Wrestling, and a Special Look at Valentine’s Day!

SWITCHEROO!!!

You know I'm not dead.

I swear last week's absence was scheduled in advance. Sure many of you thought that having Slimmer as a guest news reporter was unfair punishment (and really, Slimmer, man-rape WTF), but that was on the agenda for a few weeks. Yesterday's absence was not.

In fact, I was almost tempted to churn a news report out in the early hours of Monday. But then I decided that it would be an awful idea. While I rarely spend much time (at least recently) discussing wrestling, I missed out on everything that happened last week. NXT? Is that some sort of recreational drug? Batista attacking Bret Hart? Get the fuck out of here. Seriously, I skipped everything that happened last week, did not even read Slimmer's abortion until the weekend, and dreaded actually having to speak on events that I have done zero research for. (Contrary to popular belief, I do at least a tad amount of research before writing a news report.) In addition, I would have been without one of my popular crutches (Raw Thoughts), which would have kept the news report to a bare minimum. Even my most die-hard Smallophiles would have gotten sour on that, though I'd still show more effort than Randle.

Alas, Cook came to my aid yesterday after I offered a switcheroo. One extra day gave me a few more hours to look over the last week and a half of wrestling (seriously, Batista attacking Bret Hart!) along with giving me something to think about during my plane ride home late last night. So in case you are wondering where the fuck some of the following comes from, blame either the airlines for delaying my flight enough times that I had really nothing better to think of or an overdose on NXT!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

ARISE KHALI ARISE



Honestly, the following Khali-For-All was inspired by fellow commenter Midcard Madness. If you hate this, you only have him to blame.

During my lengthy sabbatical, the Great Khali put his makeshift tag team with Matt Hardy on the backburner (thank God) and entered the Royal Rumble. Of course, even though he was easily the largest, most physical specimen in the Rumble, he was made to look like quite a bitch. After slap chopping the shit out of CM Punk ("you're gonna love his nuts"), Beth Phoenix entered the Rumble and useed her pseudo-feminine ways to eliminate the Poonany Punjabi Playboy. Khali might have lasted all of three minutes.

Did someone say three minutes?

Anyway, as Khali's #1 fan, I must say that I was not disappointed with the way the Rumble turned out. Gone are the days of Khali being the greatest technical wrestler in the WWE; rather, now Khali has turned into a comedy character. Which is fine by me. For when I want to see the glory days of Khali, I watch my homemade "Best of Khali" DVD featuring such classics as that battle royal when he chopped his way to his first World Heavyweight Championship, his Punjabi Prison match against Batista (though surprisingly the ending is cut off), and most importantly, that one time where he danced in his funny pants. Ah memories.

And hey, if Khali ever decides to leave me for some hussie, I have his replacement all lined up. INTRODUCING…



The Undertaker's DONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that gives you a massive boner on Hump Day, the Small-For-All News Report. In today's edition, we take a look at the recent additions to the WWE Hall of Fame, Helms's drug problems, the Undertaker's knees, Batista vs. Cena, my thoughts on NXT, Angle's food venture, Flair coming out of retirement, and a special look at Valentine's Day!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Hall of Famers

This week, the WWE announced two inductees into the 2010 Hall of Fame – "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and Antonio Inoki. While DiBiase was announced as the first inductee on Raw, the WWE officially announced in Japan on Monday that Inoki will be the first Japanese superstar inducted into the Hall of Fame. Chances are the WWE will announce his induction this coming Friday on Smackdown.

Below is a picture from the WWE's Hall of Fame announcement –



I honestly would not do Inoki justice by stating all of his accomplishments in the world of sports entertainment. I will say that he was awesome in The Bad News Bears Go to Japan.

Soma is what people take when hard times open their eyes…

From the Observer, "Gregory Helms was found with a single soma pill in his bag when arrested with Chris Jericho. If Helms didn't have a prescription for the drug like he claimed and even though the police aren't charging him for it, WWE would be forced to suspend him for 60 days on his second Wellness violation. WWE's current policy says that every prescription a wrestler has is supposed to be filed ahead of time with Dr. David Black. All prescriptions are supposed to be written by the company doctors who travel with the WWE crew. Helms has a previous violation against him for his name coming up in the Signature Pharmacy scandal in 2007 and has never failed a WWE drug test.

There has been a lot of talk backstage regarding Helms' future with WWE after the incident. Based on the success of the Royal Rumble pay-per-view which he was pulled from, Helms missed out on a payoff from the show that would have been around $5,000."

Really tough break for the Hurricane as not only was his drunken playfight with Jericho the fodder for TMZ for a full week but he could obviously be in a lot more deep shit if he is found to be without a prescription for the soma pill. If this is the case, I would not be surprised to see the WWE release Helms during their next round of layoffs as he cost them some bad publicity and he is not integral to the WWE's main storylines (especially with ECW gone). Of course, I'd fully expect Helms to wind up in either TNA or ROH if he is released by the WWE.

If the WWE decides to pity Helms and keep him on the roster, expect him to lose a lot of matches to guys like Vladmir Kozlov and Zack Ryder on Superstars.

I'm Broken and Colder Than Hell

Rumor has it that the Undertaker will only be working a limited (re: approximately three) matches between the Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania. The tentative plan is to have Taker drop the World Heavyweight Championship at the Elimination Chamber.

With the Undertaker nearing the end of his career (his body seems to break down quicker and quicker each year), it would make sense for the WWE to rapidly reduce the amount of matches he partakes in monthly. The Undertaker, on name alone, still draws for the WWE but the more broken down he becomes, the less value he has for the company. If I were the WWE (which I'm not), I would be looking at both a two and a one year plan for the Undertaker to go out on. Give him something special to Ric Flair's farewell and have him retire at a WrestleMania on top.

Oh and if the tentative plan for the Undertaker to drop the title is intact, who will be the beneficiary heading into WrestleMania? John Morrison: not likely (even with his DVD dropping soon). CM Punk: possibly as his Straight Edge Society storyline could lead to a money match (with someone like Rey Mysterio) at Mania. Chris Jericho: the favorite. With Edge winning the Rumble, I'd still expect Jericho vs. Edge to happen at Mania. Rey Mysterio: not likely though he will probably be the last man pinned in the Chamber. R-Truth: his appearance in the match is good enough in everyone's eyes.

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

USA Networks and the WWE are in talks about making Raw three-hours weekly if TNA does move to Mondays.

No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No

Seriously, NO!!!!

John Cena and Batista will be brand hopping leading up to WrestleMania to promote their WrestleMania encounter.

I'm glad we are getting this match at WrestleMania as a) it's a money match and b) who knows if either man will be healthy at next year's Mania. Seriously though, I'm really looking forward to the match.

Backlash 2010 will be live from the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, MD.

Ah, the 1st Mariner Arena, what memories I have of thee. Back in 2003, I saw No Mercy at the arena and was privileged to see such classics including Zack Gowen vs. Matt Hardy, A-Train vs. Noob Saibot, and the legendary Biker Chain Match between the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar. Yeah, I think I will be passing on this one.

Rumors are flowing that John Morrison will be turning heel again in the near future.

I'm not sure if I like this news. Morrison has improved slowly on the mic since he turned face last spring and his moveset is definitely fan-friendly. If he were to turn heel, there really needs to be a good reason for it, especially considering that the tag champs and the IC champ are both heels. I hate to see him saddled back with Joey Mercury for a MNM reunion.

Dolph Ziggler is headed to Istanbul (not Constantinople) to do promotional work.

Why is he headed there? Well, that's nobody's business but the Turks.




For a brief second, I had considered recapping ECW for my loyal Smallophiles tonight. However, three seconds later, I decided that would be a silly idea. Really – I'm going to waste my time on a show that becomes history in two weeks. I doubt the 99th version of Christian vs. William Regal will be that much better than the previous six months of their feud. And if I sound bitter in regards to ECW, I am, as the show has been irrelevant for a really fucking long time.

So I decided that instead of subjecting myself to ECW, I'd rather take some time to discuss the WWE's newest replacement – WWE: NXT (Codename: next generation). From the main page, "the current "ECW" talents will be free agents and go to RAW and Smackdown once the ECW show ends. All signs point to WWE NXT to be a reality based series, featuring new talents and some veteran talents from other brands. The veteran talents will make visits, to "mentor and or hinder" the new talents that will be introduced on the new show. Also, the veteran and bigger names will be used to draw viewers into the new show."

I'm more excited to see NXT than probably I was for the majority of ECW's three year reign. Granted, I was extremely pumped to see the first episode of ECW which turned out to a be a trainwreck involving the Zombie, Kelly Kelly: Exhibitionist, and some sort of sloppy hardcore battle royal. Perhaps, I should be surprised that ECW lasted that long after its debut. Alas, as long as NXT's debut is not nearly as brutal, perhaps I will make it a point to watch the show.

On the surface, it appears that NXT will be a hybrid of the WWE's successful series Tough Enough. Unlike Tough Enough, the WWE is not handicapped to a limited amount of superstars just in case viewers are not happy with certain wrestlers (I believe that the blandness of the majority of TE3's crew led to its demise). However, like Tough Enough, this will be a great opportunity for the WWE Universe to learn more about potential WWE Superstars. Participants on NXT will have a chance to tweak a main event persona and gain a loyal following before even wrestling on Raw or Smackdown. This could really be a great asset to the WWE if used correctly.

The belief to focus on developmental wrestlers is nothing new for the WWE. However, the ECW brand was not always the best way to get the spotlight on new wrestlers. On a typical edition of ECW, at least half of the show is spent on already-made superstars like champion Christian, William Regal, and Shelton Benjamin and also on recaps of Raw and Smackdown. Throw in the fact that most "newcomers" debut the same way in a series of squash matches. This does nothing for most new talents which is evident in ECW's results. For every Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and Sheamus, there's been Gavin Spears, DJ Gabriel, Ricky Ortiz, Tyler Reks, and of course, Braden "Knock Knock" Walker. Perhaps some of the latter would have seen better results had they had a better chance to make an impact. And with WWE NXT, I'm hoping the WWE has developed a better way to allow these superstars to shine in a pseudo-reality show.

In summary, I am excited to watch NXT. But considering my taste in television (90% of all reality shows), that might not be saying much.


PONDERING LIFE'S MYSTERIES

In this new semi-recurring segment, I asked my Smallophiles a question that is currently on my mind. Seeing as how Valentine's Day is this coming weekend, it would only be appropriate to speak on relationships in the inaugural edition.

Tonight's life mystery – why is Giuliana and Bill together?



Seriously I cannot understand why these two are together as they have nothing and I mean NOTHING in common. Look at these fundamental differences – she lives in Los Angeles while he lives in Chicago, she loves puppies while he loves kittens, he has done nothing of note since the first season of the Apprentice while she has still done nothing of note. Why does this bother me to no end!!!!

Fellow Smallophiles, if you could possibly have a good answer for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

Stay tuned in two weeks for the next edition of "Pondering Life's Mysteries."


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Olympic Gold Medalists

From Kurt Angle's website, "Come March, Kurt Angle will launch his own USDA approved Signature Series Sports Performance Food line that will feature five new great tasting, high quality, high protein, high fiber, low fat ready-to-eat-meals for athletes and health conscious dieters of all ages. Each exquisite R.T.E Meal contains approximately 30-40g of high quality food protein, 10-12 grams of "fiber for life" with moderate to low gylcemic carbs for health and energy. Finally, the perfect convenient meals for everyone! It's all here in Angle Foods, LLC."

Let me guess – chocolate milk and prescription pills for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! It's true, it's true!

Honestly, I shouldn't mock Angle too much as this is not the first time that wrestlers have went into other business ventures. JBL has Mamajuana juice. Hogan's done reality shows about his family, a vanity wrestling league, and even his own soft drink. Sunny's had her own adult website. Why knock it if you can make a profit on it? Especially considering that Angle Foods is only a part of the Foodies Food Club, who are probably doing the majority of the grunt work while Angle puts his name on it. If that's the case, then it sure beats Angle's movie career.

Village People Party

From lords of pain, "There was a moment recently backstage at TNA where Hulk Hogan and The Nasty Boys had a laugh at the expense of TNA star Jay Lethal. Nasty Boys member Jerry Sags recently openly questioned how long TNA will keep Lethal employed and laughed at the audacity of his Black Machismo character. This scene by Hogan and the Nastys didn't go over well with most in the locker room."

I mentioned two weeks ago that Lethal's TNA status is in question and I can't see this incident helping. Good thing there's NXT to Lethal to latch onto in case he's released. Perhaps he can begin working on a Ahmed Johnson gimmick.

Space Mountain – Back in Operation!

According to a recent interview with HamptonRoads.com, Ric Flair stated that his return to the ring will be sooner than later, much to [his] dismay.

Don't worry Ric, when the time comes for your scheduled match, you can no-show it like you did with your ROH appearances! Seriously, since he retired, all we can hear about is either Flair is dying to wrestle or that he's broke. Now he's getting paid and there's a good chance he will be wrestling soon – why is he not happy? If he was so worried about his promise to Shawn Michaels about his final match, perhaps he shouldn't have signed with TNA! Egads!

Biten Newsbites

Hogan is reportedly frustrated with having to push certain TNA originals that he doesn't want to push.

…………………….

Backstage sources say that since his debut, Orlando Jordan has rubbed people the right way.

……………………….

Former TNA Knockout Jenna Morasca has retired from wrestling.

…………………………………….

Oh what the hell – I'm going to miss this:




EVERYDAY THE 14th

With Valentine's Day approaching this weekend, I feel it was my duty as 411 Love Doctor to do a tribute to the best couples in wrestling.







Ah fuck it, I know I just used it, but it has to be done….



As for me, I'll be treating my right hand to a manicure!!!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, as part of Black History Month, I will take a look at whether Al Sharpton's promise of a better representation of African American Superstars in the WWE has come true. Oh yes, an in-depth expose only I can come up with. Until then…

For the Wednesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!