The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 03.02.10

Posted by Jeff Small on 03.02.2010

Swayze Malebag, WWE Releases, The Debut of NXT, Sheamus’s Whiteness, Drew McIntyre’s Blueness, Raw Thoughts, Awesome Kong’s Release, and The Latest Bischoff-Harvey Disaster!!!

Crippled

Last week, the unfortunate happened. During one of my intense workouts (one that makes the P90X system and that crazy Chuck Liddell workout session look like the Simon System), I came down rather hard on my left ankle. Instantly as I staring at the lights above me all I could think about was the WWE's "Don't Try This @ Home" video segments. Normally I hate those segments only because you can't fast forward past them on WWE DVDs (how rude). But while clutching my ankle in what might possibly be the last few moments of my life, these segments made so much sense. I, like the WWE wrestlers, are entertainers. And I, like the WWE wrestlers, put my body on the line every day – walking to the gym, eating Popeye's chicken, watching VH1. It is only appropriate that while I rolled around in agony, all I could think of was the massive standing ovation I will receive when I make my return to the gym. Oh yes, it will happen.

I already have the perfect setlist on my iPOD – Creed's "My Sacrfice", Coldplay's "Clocks", and U2's "Beautiful Day." While RICEing all weekend, I used my sewing machine to hem a new pair of tights – I'm thinking lots and lots of sequins. Lastly, I ordered these extra strength pills that are supposed to help build muscle. I'm going to return 20 pounds heavier.

So yes, gym of mine, you are officially on notice. Once I get off of these crutches, I will be back, better, and meaner than ever. There best not be anyone who's taken my space in the steam room!!! Even you Swayze.

Nobody Puts Baby in the Coroner!



Bret Hart Fallout

Not surprisingly, I was the only one at 411Mania who posted that wacky Bret Hart wins the WWE Championship rumor last week. Then again, I'd post anything. A few commenters had some similar beliefs that Bret Hart: WWE Champion is not necessarily a bad thing.

HeartBurnKid stated "You know, it'd be almost poetic for Bret to win the belt, then vacate the next day. After all, that's exactly what he wasn't allowed to do in Montreal. And having a big title tournament would definitely clear up the Post-WM Rematch Blues."

Quimby stated "He can easily drop it the next day, leading to a tournament, and we know how everybody loves a tournament (except the Divas one)."

No, not everyone loves a tournament. Hell, I wrote two weeks ago that I do not like tournaments on PPV. It's not good television. Sure there will be a "shocking" conclusion (John Cena wins) but up until that point, most PPV tournaments are too unsatisfying for most viewers. And now with Extreme Rulez as your post-WrestleMania PPV, it's apparent that the WWE is continuing with WM Rematches in the month of April. Fine by me – I love me some Batista/Cena.

Racism

You'd think I would have been called less racist considering I retired the Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame! But nope, here's a comment from hartfan: "This is why I started to hate white people. Always have some smart ass racist shit to say. How do you think any race feel to have white shit shoved down there throat for years f@ck that decades."

Dude there's no reason to hate white people. We are all just trying to fit in with black culture. Take a look at my friends, Sally and Johnny. Black people sure love them.



In all seriousness, this is NOT a serious news report and very rarely, is it even credible. Let's not go and get all riled up about some stupid shit I said.

Nudity

From Team Zissou, "I see bush in that Tiffany pic..."



So do I. So do I.

Sarcasm

From Kegger, "After reading your column for however long you've been writing I find it awesome that people still do not get your sarcasm. It's amazing."

Tell me about it. Perhaps when my autobiography Everybody Poops is realized, will then people realize my skillz. Until then…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome to the only news report that can officially say it's going to WrestleMania 26 – the Small-For-All News Report. Yes, while I had purchased the tickets back in November, I finally took care of the remaining logistics (flight, hotel, rental, etc.). Now I'm ready to party it up for a few days in Tempe before heading over to Glendale for the big show. Now who's with me?

In today's Small-For-All, we discuss the five WWE releases, the first episode of NXT, Sheamus's whiteness, Drew McIntyre's blueness, Awesome Kong's release, and Eric Bischoff's newest venture. Let's get going!!!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

I see the world, feel the chill, which way to go, windowsill…

Plenty of WWE releases toward the end of last week. And who says you have to wait until March for Spring Cleaning?

Over the weekend, these five WWE Superstars were released – Charlie Haas, Paul Birchill, Hurricane Helms, Maria, and referee Scott Armstrong. Let's take a look at why each of these superstars were released and what their future holds for them.

First off, Charlie Haas. Funny thing about Charlie Haas is that outside of a few tag appearances with Mike Knox (who probably is shitting bricks right now), he really hasn't done much since his epic stint as an impersonator. In fact, a few months ago, there was a newspiece where Haas asked for his release and was denied since the WWE feared he would join TNA. So now Haas is free and ready to work anywhere in the country. But will anyone want him? Survey says: ROH.

Second, Paul Burchill. Poor Paul Burchill. You came to the WWE with much hype thanks to your jumping reverse Rock Bottom finisher. And when you debuted as part of Regal's entourage, it was okay. And then you became a pirate which worked for a hot sec. Then when you returned, you were just heel Paul Burchill with a hot sister. And sadly, outside of a fun feud with the Hurricane, you really didn't do much. In fact, your one chance to shine against Kofi Kingston got cancelled a few weeks before SummerSlam in favor of a program with Santino Marella. Not really your fault but honestly, like Charlie Haas, you really didn't get over. Sad, but true. Survey says: TNA.

Third, Hurricane Helms. Helms was a prime candidate to be released after his TMZ worthy fight with Chris Jericho. Of course, Jericho's going to get off easy since he's only main eventing WrestleMania. As for Helms, the last time someone saw him, he was feuding with Zack Ryder. Plus if drugs were involved, then it's really no surprise here. Unlike the previous two men, he has the best chance to sign with another company as he impressed a lot of WCW brass when that company was still around AND he's good friends with Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore. Survey says: TNA.

Fourth, Maria. Maria was seen as a surprise to many even though she hasn't done anything of note since posing for Playboy. Even though Maria won the Diva of the Year Slammy in December, I don't think many of us saw that coming since she had a lackluster year. Considering Maria was never going to be a wrestler and there's tons of eye candy already in the WWE and I am not surprised at this release. Survey says: outside ventures/wrestling retirement

Last Scott Armstrong. Most reports indicate that Armstrong must have done something to warrant his release as he was one of the main event refs. That said, the days of rep bumps and physicality has died down so it's not hard to replace Armstrong. Plus if he was the highest paid ref, well then, it's no surprise for him to be released. Survey says: indy circuit.

Will this be the last of the WWE's spring releases? Chances are no. For those that are not in a storyline heading into WrestleMania, I'd be a tad fearful for your job. Unless you are the Great Khali – there's no way Khali is being released.

NXT – The Next Generation of Douche Bag

Clearly, the entire world (or 1.5 million people) witnessed a new era in the WWE – the launch of NXT. Overall, I believe that the show was a success due largely to the debuts of Daniel Bryan and Punk from I Love NY. Outside of the debuts, there was one other big talking point coming from the show – Michael Cole's "anti-internet" heel persona. During the main event, Cole launched into a tirade on indy wrestling, the internet, basement dwellers, and Avatar that was quite entertaining and also seemed to piss off a bunch of internet wrestling fans.

With all the feedback Michael Cole was receiving after NXT, it was quite apparent that the WWE was going to run with it. Cole decided to take down his WWE Universe blog. Joey Styles twittered that Cole was just being VINTAGE Cole. And a rumor started that the entire thing was a "shoot." Whatever the case may be, I think the majority of us are more interested in seeing what Michael Cole says tonight rather than the debut of Skip Sheffield and that other guy.

By the way, no matter what Cole says tomorrow, it cannot compare to this verbal smackdown he laid a few years ago on Satellite Radio.



By the way, is anyone else confused as to what the purpose of NXT is? The Press Release stated that there will be a winner but no contest or challenges were announced. Will these wrestlers be ranked via their wins and losses? Are we going to get pre-taped packages of the guys training? Is the entire show just an excuse to get Daniel Bryan over? Here's hoping we get at least one answer tonight.

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Here's the poster for April's Extreme Rules PPV:



My eyes. My eyes are burning.

There is a running joke backstage that Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre is controlled by his fiancée (WWE's Tiffany); he apparently has earned the nickname "Avatar."

I haven't seen the movie so I can only assume that he has a serious case of blue balls.

HBK, one half of the WrestleMania 26 main event, starts the show. He decides to call out anyone who does not believe he can defeat the Undertaker. And who to answer the call – his DeGenerate partner Triple H. It's kind of strange to see Triple H verbally fellate another wrestler. So much so that perhaps Triple H will be turning on Shawn at WrestleMania. Regardless, DX vs. ShowMiz tonight!

Only fifteen minutes in and we get our first "pot" reference – well without any mention of MaryJane. Couldn't the WWE bring back RVD for one night only?

Some people are surprised that Randy Orton is turning face. Don't be as Orton's been testing a face persona for a while. Don't believe me? Take a look at this picture.

Decent match between Orton and DiBiase. I'm not sure if it would have been as hot as it was on tonight's Raw at WrestleMania, but I am interested in what the WWE has planned for the three men n the big show.

Here's Bret Hart on a crutch. God, he's so similar to me.

Sugar trip? Chris Masters comedy? VINTAGE GUEST HOSTS!!!!

Chris Masters vs. Santino for a spot in Money in the Bank. Seriously? Then again, if Santino qualifies, we wouldn't have to worry about a Santina return. And as I typed that sentence, Swagger won the match.

With that leather jacket, Batista really does look like a latter day Stone Cold Steve Austin.

"Kissing babies and hugging fat girls." Sounds like a bad Jeff Hardy trip.

Woo woo woo – Zack Ryder is on Raw! With MVP as his opponent for a MITB shot, I guess ShowMiz needs another feud for the big dance. Another MITB Qualifying squash? C'mon WWE, throw us a bone.

Christian, Swagger, MVP, Ziggler, Benjamin, and Kane have all qualified for MITB. You figure one more superstar from each roster will comprise the final two entrants. My prediction – Kofi and Ezekiel Jackson.

I'm glad Cheech and Chong are not even attempting to announce the six divas in the pillow fight. Because there's no way they would have remembered any of their names.

I'm so confused – is this a six diva contest or a battle royal? Does anyone even know? Then again, it's the WWE Divas. It really does not matter at the end of the day.

Tonight's episode of Raw is sponsored by General Mills!

Mad Dog Vachon in the HOF! Nice!

Am I the only one who sides with Vince McMahon in his promo? C'mon Bret, where's the intensity and passion? Even your challenge left a tad to be desired. Vince mocking Hart's gimp walk was HOF material though.

DX vs. ShowMiz better deliver since I think there's been about 10 minutes of wrestling on this show.

If Sheamus wants a WrestleMania payday, he better interfere and cost Triple H his match.

Lame match. And where's Sheamus? Is he still out with a concussion? Am I the only surprised that Triple H's program has not even begun yet? Oh wait, there he is! Hooray Sheamus! Take your aggression out on the Game. Now this is what I'm talking about.

Overall, this week's Raw paled in comparison to last week even though Sheamus returned. While the promos overall were effective, there was nothing to write home about with the wrestling. Not to mention that this is the second straight week of a lame and ineffective guest host. Then again, if the right matches are booked for WrestleMania and that show delivers, then I guess its all moot point.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWER S

A-K – Awesome Kong

Even though Awesome Kong wrote on her Twitter that she was released from TNA, sources inside TNA state that she has not been released.

How confusing? Honestly, TNA, Kong's unhappy so let her go. She will realize what she's missing when she's apart of the next Diva Pillow Fight. Or perhaps she can team with a returning Big Daddy V to take over WWE Superstars by storm! Now that's what I want to see.

We Refer to them as Little People

From PWInsider, "Eric Bischoff's Bischoff-Hervey Entertainment company has been developing a new wrestling project, a reality TV series, which will focus on Micro Championship Wrestling, a midget wrestling promotion. Bischoff and Hervey are using the iMPACT Zone to film the show but this is not a TNA project and it's not being filmed for Spike TV. Spike also has a new midget wrestling reality show called Half Pint Brawlers and Bischoff's new project is something separate."

I know Kegger will totally be into this. But seriously, is Hornswoggle popular enough that there are two new midget wrestling shows? Didn't the WWE's Juniors division fail back in 2005? And why are all Bischoff-Hervey projects so fucking stupid (this, the Scott Baio reality show)? Even Fred Savage had a semi-hit in Working (a show I loved back in the day)!

The Feud that Never Ends

From Lords of Pain, "The Nasty Boys have been telling people backstage that they want to have a six-month feud with Team 3D. On the other hand, Team 3D has been saying they want out of the feud sooner than later. The feud may end at the Lockdown pay-per-view."

Now my mother has always told me that if I do not have anything nice to say…

Seriously, a fucking six month feud! I still haven't fully recovered from the nine month Chavo vs. Hornswoggle feud yet. Somebody put me out of my misery.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, WrestleMania bracketology returns as I take a look at all the superstars that are currently sitting on the bubble for the Grand Daddy of them All. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!