The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 03.16.10

Posted by Jeff Small on 03.16.2010

Parting Ways, Who’s Really Watching TNA Impact!, Details on the Upcoming Hart/McMahon Match Daniel Bryan’s New Training Partner, A New Approach to TNA’s Writing, Bitter Tara, Fun with the Iron Sheik, And Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Bah Gawd! Stone Cold!

Happy 3:16 Day

Oh now I get why Stone Cold was on Raw last night! And we thought WWE writers weren't creative! Speaking of creativity, it's time to clean out Swayze's closet!



I toyed with addressing the following comment, but I'd rather get it over with like having to take a grenade.

Parting Ways

From longtime reader Polish Post, "he has been for months. In fact, that's what he is becoming. A has-been. I partially read, but mostly skimmed this week. I'll pop in next week for a look, but if it's like this again, you will not be getting any more page hits from me. I'm not a tool that's gonna click on your column and hate every week. I will just not bother, much like the weekend column and wacky wrestling theory. Not worth my time. "

In two weeks, I hit my four and a half year anniversary at 411Mania. In that time, I have probably written around 200 news reports. That's a fucking lot of words. While it never feels like an overwhelming burden, it's definitely not easy coming up with forty-five to fifty news reports a year. That's why I have a tad bit more appreciation for WWE writers as it's not easy coming up with good material weekly. I sure as hell try, but, on weeks when I don't have a segment ready and the news is not coming in, it's definitely a daunting challenge. But hey, no excuses, as if I really did not want to do this, I would have taken my ball home a long time ago.

Now over the course of four years, my writing style has definitely changed. For someone who's been following me from my early Heat days, it has definitely improved. About two years ago, during my Thursday run, I slowly transformed the Small-For-All into what it is known for today – lots of gossip news, gay Khali love, and eternal devotion for Patrick Swayze. Perhaps around that time, I peaked. For some of you I probably did. If it wasn't then, then it probably happened after I took over for Csonka on Tuesdays. Regardless of when it happened, it shouldn't surprise most Smallophiles to see some of those "acclaimed" segments on the back burner now. Why? Because honestly those jokes were funny two years ago.

For example, last year, it was tough to use the Khali-For-All at times. Now it's impossible because it's not funny to me anymore. If I had continued to write about Khali's love for virgins, chickens, Mrs. Featherbottom, and Snakes on a Plane each week, I would have retired a while ago. Granted not all of my newer segments have been hits – I'm probably the only one who thinks Slimmer's on-again off-again involvement is funny – but at least, I'm trying to keep things fresh.

And that's really it. Perhaps I have subdued the Small-For-All a tad too much a few months. Or perhaps it's time for some readers like Polish Post and I to go our separate ways. Because for every critic like Polish Post, I have someone who's happy with the recent editions like midcard madness. Just remember: if you must go, I wish you love. You'll never walk alone. Take care my love. Miss you love. *Guitar solo*

Special Request

From another longtime reader, Big Fat Fag, "Can I get a Chachi Malebag just one time? Just once?"

Sure, the next time I decide to use a malebag, we'll Baio it for a week. No mentions of Joanie though.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Drifting away, Drifting away…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that's on a 24 hour champagne diet, the Small-For-All News Report! In today's news report, we use a quick and dirty approach to this week's lack of news before recapping a Stone Cold Monday Night Raw!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Biten Newsbites

Sponsored by:

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

According to a "source" inside the WWE production truck, one out of every five monitors are dedicated to TNA Impact.

But wait I was told earlier that TNA is not true competition for the WWE. Regardless of if the WWE will ever admit it, competition is good for both companies. While the WWE can rely upon its WrestleMania build to counteract the opening weeks of Impact, I am curious to know if the WWE will keep the pedal to the medal during the normally dreadful Post-Mania season.

The WWE made an arrangement with Lloyd's of London insurance in regards to the upcoming Hart vs. McMahon match. Prior to this agreement, Bret would have been very limited in his role in a match.

Honestly, I would be fine with a quick five second squash match at Mania. Even with this agreement, I do not think anyone expects VINTAGE Hart in this match so a quick takedown and sharpshooter would suffice for me. And seeing as how there are other money matches on the card, it would not leave a bad taste with the audience.

KFC is the official sponsor of the Extreme Rules PPV.

I'm excited if only for the promos from CM Punk. Because if you remembered last year, CM Punk WAS NOT amused with Kentucky Grilled Chicken.



And what, were you expecting a Mark Henry joke? For shame, people. For shame.

Criss Angel was supposed to have a more physical role during his guest host stint.

Too bad, he wasn't around in the summertime to solve a Hardy Boyz mystery!

There is talk that Money in the Bank will only be 9 superstars contrary to the announcement on Superstars last week.

Poor Kobe Johnson. Remember when we all thought his feud with Orton would lift him into the main event scene? Neither do I.

NXT star Daniel Bryan has been sparring with SmackDown Superstar David Hart Smith as of late, working on European catch-style takedowns.

Is anyone else surprised that Bret Hart's three month stint on WWE television has not led to a Hart Dynasty push at all? With that said, I'm happy that Smith is doing something productive with his time. Unlike that Fatt Hardy who's been spending all of his time eating volcano tacos. Bad Fatt Hardy.



Seriously, he wants to triple his order at the Cracker Barrel. I guess Fatt Hardy does not die(t).

Ken Doane (Dykstra) was eliminated from the Seducing Cindy reality show this weekend. Cindy thought Ken was a great guy but they had no chemistry.

*snicker snicker snicker snicker snicker snicker snicker* Wait, ladies aren't attracted to this?


U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi, you ugly!

By the way, at least Kenny outplayed the Tupac impersonator and the dude with the large Undertaker tattoo on his back. Seriously, can anyone get their own dating show these days? Who's next, Chad OchoCinco?

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal Magazine, the WWE is searching China for new talents to add to their roster.

Can someone tell the WWE that X-Pac is not a new talent!

After seeing the opening video package on last week's highest rated Monday Night segment, Cena vs. McMahon, I now understand why Batista let out a Primal Scream over Cena's decimated body. Last week, I thought it was just a mating call to Melina; however, Batista did it solely because it looks kickass on the TitanTron.

Oh boy, Orton vs. HHH tonight. Don't they want people to actually order WrestleMania?

You know back in 2003 when Sheriff Austin would kick off Raw each week, I honestly hated it. Stone Cold was played out, could never look bad, and gave the same damn promo each week. Now, seven years later, it's nice seeing Austin back in the ring.

So wait, Cena comes to the ring and Austin just leaves. Really, no interplay between Cena and Austin – how disappointing. And speaking of disappointing, we have Cena vs. Big Show. *Groan*

Shockingly, the Big Show got quite a clean pin on Cena as Batista's interference wasn't drastic at all. Considering all the jobs Cena has been doing lately (tonight, last week, at No Way Out, against Sheamus at TLC, etc), only a foolish man should bet on Batista at Mania. Another reason why to always bet on black, kids.

Seriously, has "Be Yourself" become the only theme song of WrestleMania? What happened to "I Made It" or even "Thunderstruck"? C'mon WWE – WrestleMania has the chance of being classic. Why must I be reminded of Ashley Massaro in the process?

Nice use of Sheamus this week! I love how he punked out Bourne since I doubt anyone wanted to see that matchup again. And his promo helped flesh out one of the lesser matches on the Mania card.

At first glance, I thought Stone Cold appeared to be in great shape. Now backstage, he looks like death. Like Death by Sandwich from the Invisible Maniac!

It's not Monday Night Raw without a Kelly Kelly Match. And Maryse is in this one too! Not this makes up for a bad Big Show/Cena match. Oh come on, that's it. It should have at least lasted two more minutes. Though I might not have.

And there's Simply Flawless with the heel beatdown. Are we really getting an impromptu Divas match at WrestleMania? Because I don't think my heart can take it.

March 28th: Where Will You Be?

Can we at least get a ten minute match from Jericho and Shawn? Oh no, we have to do a lame countout ending instead. At least, Edge got a huge pop. (This crowd has been seriously awesome the entire night.)

Orton vs. Rhodes vs. DiBiase at Mania. Eh, at least Orton's promo was solid this evening. BTW, I'm guessing we'll get two weeks of Legacy dissention.

Wow, the main event of Triple H vs. Orton is up next? Do we really need a thirty minute contract signing?

Well color me surprised as Orton and the Hs pulled out the best match of the night, by far. Too bad, Legacy's run-in did not lead to any dissention between the two men.

I love how a pasty albino can run-in and not be noticed by anyone. Perhaps Michael Cole needs some sunglasses.

Batista vs. Kofi? Considering that all of the WrestleMania rewind matches have had "shady" endings, this does not bode well for our favorite Ghanarena.

Did Batista's entrance kill all the power in the arena? God, he's awesome.

Controlled frenzy – VINTAGE MICHAEL COLE.

We have blood! Someone get Batista some chicken soup and a cold compress, stat! (And if you are a Scrubs fan, a) I pity you and b) think of some crazy JD daydream that leads to a half-assed joke.)

Perhaps the WWE is still racist as it appears Kofi Kingston will be appearing in a Dark Match in Phoenix. Ha, I kill myself sometimes!

Hey look, Stone Cold is still on the show. It's a tad upsetting knowing that the Hot Tub Time Machine guys will receive more screen time than one of the greatest wrestlers of all time.

Stu Hart in the Hall of Fame – nice! I know JP is really pissed about not going to the Hall of Fame now.

Oh shit, Bret was faking all along with the car crash/leg injury! What a crafty Canadian. Hell, I haven't seen a scheme like this since the Robin Sparkles comeback variety hour!

It's a shame that Stone Cold's return had to be during the WrestleMania season as he was not given much more time than a non-wrestling host receives. As a legend, Stone Cold deserved much more – at least a segment with the Bella Twins and Hornswoggle. Then again, perhaps it was for the best, as the WWE needed to focus on its WrestleMania build and not some direct to DVD movie. Overall, tonight's show was a minor hit as it did an effective job building many feuds; however due to the lack of Austin and the Miz and that all three scheduled matches ended in a screwjob fashion, it could have been so much more.

FUN WITH THE IRON SHEIK!!!

From Figure 4 Wrestling, "WWE Hall of Famer Iron Sheik was arrested last week while boarding a flight with AirTran from Las Vegas as he became belligerent with flight officials after they found alcohol in his bag."

You'd think this outbreak would lead to The Iron Sheik on TMZ or even better, a guest hosting role on one of the Soup spinoffs, but nope, not much of a big deal was made. Perhaps Sheik was trying to overshadow that no good jabroni Hulk Hogan who still hasn't paid the Sheik… yadda yadda yadda.

Here's an idea – why doesn't the WWE create a web-series starring the Iron Sheik? Think of a latter day Benny Hill. The Sheik drinks, does crazy shit, and everyone laughs their ass off while the vintage Benny Hill music plays. It's fucking genius and probably would not cost a thing. And if the WWE wants no part of it, I would love to see NBC take a shot on this, if only, to get that awful Marriage Ref off the air. Unless of course, the Sheik is a guest ref. Then he can teach the secret to fucking someone in the ass.


Indeed.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten Newsbites

Another relatively slow week of news leads to another use of quick and dirty reporting.

The TNA Impact Thursday replay has been canceled even though ratings last week were nearly identical to the show's Monday rating.

It is crazy that 90% of TNA's total viewers on Monday watched the same show four days later. Of course, there's a good chance that many WWE fans decided to check out Jeff Hardy, Sting, and RVD's return a few days later. If that's the case, I would expect an increase in TNA's ratings this week. I also wonder what will replace Impact on Thursdays as I doubt Manswers or Blue Mountain State cannot draw TNA numbers.

It's said that since Eric Bischoff came in to TNA, the way they write shows has changed. Before, creative always had things planned out well ahead of time. Now it's said that they are doing more of a WWE style where they are always changing their minds. Some say that if there's a long term direction for the storylines then they can't tell what that direction is. Matches for pay-per-view and recent TV events have been changed the day of the show.

I do not know what's more surprising: that Russo actually had a long term plan for his writing or that Hogan and Bischoff keep changing their minds. I am honestly not surprised that TNA is not booking long-term as evidenced by Destination X going from an all X-Division show to its current incarnation. That said, if the current way leads to a wave of good shows, then perhaps that method is for the better. We will find out soon, shall we?

Tara is still bitter for being underappreciated in the WWE. The most recent example was her absence on the WWE's Top 25 Most Impactful Women.

I honestly believe that Victoria would have made the list (albeit at the end of the list) had she not signed with TNA. Even though Victoria only had a short time in the sun (she was part of WrestleMania 20), it's better than many other WWE Divas. Oh and I am still bitter that Victoria's openness to posing for Playboy never came to fruition.

Lacey Von Erich has begun in-ring training at the Mach One Wrestling school in Florida.

Surprisingly, Lacey still has a job in TNA considering many people were down on her (not like that, sicko) due to her attitude. Perhaps the new regime has taken a better liking to the Wrestlicious Diva!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tune in next week when the Small-For-All is hosted by another 411 Guest Host. And I promise it's better than Slimmer's last abortion. In two weeks, I will return with a live report from WrestleMania 26. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!