wrestling / Columns

411’s Instant Analysis: TNA Impact 10.08.10

October 7, 2010 | Posted by Sat

MWABONWA BASSE NOOSE~!!
Welcome kids to a little fun we’re going to have here at 411. The Instant Analysis column is the companion piece to 411 Live Pay-Per-View Coverage and features immediate reaction to wrestling pay-per-views. The focus in Instant Analysis is on first thoughts and initial reactions instead of play-by-play, with the goal of providing you with instant access to writers’ thoughts on the show. We have decided to give these a try for some of the TV shows, so lets see how things work out…

Chad Nevett, formerly of the Impact 4Rs here. No longer will you have to wait until Monday to find out what I think about Impact; now, you just need to wait until right after Impact, starting with tonight’s live episode.

SEGMENT ONE: Abyss Abducts Dixie Carter

“Before the Glory” opened with Abyss handcuffed to Dixie Carter, carrying Bob and Janice, and ranting about “THEY” once again. The audience definitely had this one nailed with the “You suck!” chant. Abyss vowing that Dixie would be gone and then asking if she preferred Janice or Bob has promise, of course, but there’s got to be easier ways to write Dixie out of the stories. Ultimately, the situation went nowhere with Eric Bischoff convincing Abyss to release Dixie and transitioning to commercial as Sting, Kevin Nash, and the Pope entered the Impact Zone. A terrible way to begin this live show. Instead of kicking things off with energy, it began with crazed melodrama.

Rating: 1.0

SEGMENT TWO: Sting, Nash & the Pope Want Hogan, but Bischoff Reveals that Hogan is too Broken Down to Wrestle

The Pope kicked things off by sparring verbally with Bischoff a little bit, both men are great on the mic, but talking in allusions. While everything they said sounded good, there was no substance to what they said most of the time. In the lead-up to Bound for Glory and the promise that all will be revealed on TEN TEN TEN, these segments can’t really do anything but offer style with no substance. Sting’s ranting about Hulk Hogan was well done, but, like the Pope/Bischoff back-and-forth, it didn’t say anything remotely new. What was surprising was the video of Hogan with the doctors, showing just how broken down and injured he is. How does that help TNA or Hogan in any way? Instead of coming up with a partner for Jarrett and Joe, Bischoff just made it a handicap match. The way he was going, I thought he was going to volunteer for the spot. Ah well. Lots of style, little substance, and very public acknowledgment that Hulk Hogan does not belong in a wrestling ring. But, hey, it did end with Mickie James arriving, so that’s a good thing maybe?

Rating: 2.0

SEGMENT THREE: Madison Rayne & Tara vs. Angelina Love & Velvet Sky for the right to the Beautiful People name
Match Result: Angelina Love pins Tara after double kicks from Love and Sky
Match Length: Around three minutes

Team 3D announced a big announcement on Sunday. The biggest of their career. Hmm. I bet.

Madison Rayne debuted her new brunette look before reminding us that, yes, she and Tara are not the teases that the previous version of the Beautiful People were when it comes to the pre-match kiss. Love and Sky tried to do their usual bootylicious entrance, but were jumped, getting right to the action. Miss Tessmacher taking notes was interesting and definitely makes it seem like she’s in charge of the Knockouts Division now, which I can get behind. The action was faster and more hard-hitting than usual, but equally sloppy. Angelina Love turned the tide, leading to the win for Love and Sky, the only Beautiful People in TNA. After, Tessmacher made it clear that the Knockouts Title match on Sunday is a four way match, not a tag match, and assigned Mickie James to be the special referee for the match. Interesting choice. James cut a decent, intense promo, reminding the women that she’ll be after the title no matter who wins, noting that she’d be the first woman to hold every women’s title in wrestling. The match was nothing noteworthy, but the inclusion of Mickie James definitely added to the segment. Though, would it have killed them to have her actually do something like… I don’t know… wrestle?

Rating: 4.0

SEGMENT FOUR: Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley in a Last Man Standing Match
Match Result: Mick Foley answers the ten count before Ric Flair (apparently)
Match Length: Just under 14 minutes (including commercials)

Coming back from commercial, Dixie instructed Bischoff to fire Abyss for all he’s done. And that it had to be done in the ring. Does this mean we won’t find out who “THEY” are?

Heading into this match, I wasn’t sure what to expect. It would be bloody, brutal, and ugly… but would it be good or would it be two over-the-hill legends embarrassing themselves? That Foley was bleeding less than a minute into the match was not a good sign. When it comes to Foley and Flair, they seem to think that blood is necessary immediately, but I’ve always liked it when it’s earned. The barb wire bat meant Flair was bleeding two minutes in and that lead to brawling around the Impact Zone. Less a wrestling match than a meaningless spotfest of blood and carnage right from the getgo. I did enjoy the censoring of the “Holy shit!” chants, of course (because, TNA is the true heir of ECW!). The bump off the ramp was Vintage Foley and made for a good spot to head to a commercial break…

Picking things up back in the ring, Flair was firmly in charge, apparently beating Foley with his own book during the break before kicking it out of the ring. That’s pretty cool. That led to the thumbtacks, which are a necessity in a Mick Foley match, and followed the Laws of Thumbtacks with Flair getting dropped into them after he introduced him. The barb wire board came in right on schedule. At this point, the match was exactly what you’d expect from a Foley hardcore match, but in such an obvious manner that it hadn’t hooked me and the lack of counting was obvious. The jump off the top rope was less a jump than a stumble/fall, but Flair’s flop into the thumbtacks was funny. But, the ending was a little baffling since Flair was standing while Hebner was counting and THEN fell, lying on the mat for all of three seconds before Hebner declared Foley the winner. After the match, Foley called Flair on the ‘kiss his ass’ promise Flair made, yelling “Kiss my ass!” over and over. But, thankfully, Fortune prevented us from seeing Foley’s ass. EV2.0 came out and that led nowhere. This whole thing was a mess with a godawful finish to the match.

Rating: 3.0

SEGMENT FIVE: RVD Will Quit if Abyss is Fired / Philadelphia Fans Love Tommy Dreamer and Rhino

Prior to going to commercial, Eric Bischoff came out, said they didn’t have a lot of time, and called Abyss out. Back from commercial, Bischoff was still waiting and Rob Van Dam came out instead of Abyss, presumably to demand his proper revenge against Abyss at Bound for Glory. That was indeed his reason, saying that he would quit if Abyss was fired, which is about the only believable way for Abyss not to be fired at this point. Then again, why raise the idea at all?

Meanwhile, the fans outside the Arena for the Philadelphia TNA house show earlier this week were very happy/impressed to see Tommy Dreamer and Rhino outside. That is shocking.

Rating: 2.0

SEGMENT SIX: Eric Young & Orlando Jordan vs. Ink, Inc. / Jay Lethal Visits Home
Match Result: ~~Orlando Jordan pins Shannon Moore after a low blow~~ Ink, Inc. win via forfeit?
Match Length: Around four minutes

Before the match, we saw Jordan and Young at a carnival with Jordan teaching Young how to properly handle balls. Funnnnnnnnnnnnny. I’m surprised this story is still going since I, like the rest of North America, don’t get to see Xplosion. But, hey, gotta kill time until the Battle Royal, right? Eric Young started things with some stupid tattoos and trying to fight his own partner, which was kind of entertaining. For once, Jordan gyrating against his opponent didn’t result in Homophobe Rage that ends with Jordan on the mat, pinned, which was surprising. In fact, Jordan actually dominated Jesse Neal for a while despite some small comeback attempts. Shannon Moore turned the tide, but Young’s antics overshadowed things with his praising Moore for a move from the top rope and stopping the ref from counting the pin when Jordan was using the ropes for leverage. Jordan hit Moore with a low blow for the win, but Young demanded that he and Jordan forfeit the match as a result with a rematch at Bound for Glory. I am surprised to say it, but Eric Young’s antics were pretty entertaining in a fairly standard match.

Jay Lethal then showed us around his childhood home… and it will be continued next week on ReAction, so don’t you dare miss that.

Rating: 5.5

SEGMENT SEVEN: Dixie Fires Abyss on Monday / The Shore Debuts

Dixie promised RVD that Abyss will be fired after Bound for Glory no matter what and signed the paperwork to prove it. Who wants to bet that Easy E tricked her into signing the wrong form?

And, finally, that moment some of you have been waiting for: the Shore debuted. Robbie E and Cookie looked like rejects from Jersey Shore, talked like rejects from Jersey Shore, and made me not give a crap like the rejects from Jersey Shore. Since that’s what they were going for, that’s a good thing… I guess? They didn’t really do much except mock the audience and promise… something… for next week. If you dug this, more power to you, but I was bored stiff.

Rating: 3.0

SEGMENT EIGHT: The $100,000 Bound for Glory Invitational Gauntlet Battle Royal
Match Result: Kurt Angle eliminates Mr. Anderson for the win
Match Length: Around 27 minutes (including commercials and a transition to ReAction)

“What’s a Gauntlet Battle Royal?” I thought before the match began, but it’s just the Royal Rumble with 45 seconds between entrances. The match began with Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle with Jeff Hardy being the third man, giving a short tease of Sunday’s match. AJ Styles came out seconds after Hardy was in the ring, leading to the commercial. Already, the 45 seconds between entrants seemed way too short. No anticipation was built like the Royal Rumble, but not having everyone in the ring right away is a good way to avoid too much clutter.

We returned with the ring full and Tommy Dreamer coming out. No one eliminated yet. Smart not to get rid of anyone during the break. Jay Lethal came out… so, he will be in a match on Sunday? Did I miss that announcement? Checking TNA’s website, it’s apparently Jay Lethal vs. Douglas Williams for the X-Division Title. Huh. The action was typical battle royal fare with Hardy nearly eliminated several times and the match 14 men deep with no eliminations heading into another commercial break.

Back from the break, more people have entered and no one has been eliminated, but Douglas Williams, Sabu, Jay Lethal, Stevie Richards, Chris Sabin, and Raven were all taken out by Abyss in quick succession before everyone ganged up on him, leading to Sting going over the top after a Stinger Splash. Finally, the match got interesting with a little bit of a story. Saving Kevin Nash and Matt Morgan for after Abyss’s rampage was a smart move since they’re the other big men that you’d expect to possibly clean house. Except, Abyss eliminated them both, trying to be the 2001 Kane of this match, later eliminating Generation Me, Kazarian, Rhino, Jeff Jarrett, and the Pope before Impact ended and ReAction began — something I loathe. But, like the recappers, I decided to stick with the match.

On ReAction, Abyss eliminated Alex Shelley and Samoa Joe. Abyss’s dominance was interesting, but with him being the only one to toss anyone out was getting excessive. Robert Roode trying to eliminate James Storm was a nice touch and believable given that Roode is more ‘money’ than ‘beer,’ but Abyss took them out, too, and also eliminated Tommy Dreamer. Maybe Abyss is TNA’s Hulk Hogan. Abyss went on to eliminate AJ Styles, leaving Abyss in the ring with the three contenders for the world belt on Sunday. Hardy hit the Swanton on Angle, but that left an opening for Abyss to toss him over the top rope and lead into Abyss and Anderson squaring off… until Rob Van Dam’s music hit… waaaaaaaaaaay past 45 seconds since the last person to come out. He brought it to Abyss, managing to eliminate him and himself. Finally. There’s making Abyss look like a Monster and then there’s making your locker room look like a bunch of idiots. That left Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson, the two men that kicked the whole thing off. An interesting decision, showing once again that Jeff Hardy’s presence in the match on Sunday is superfluous. Angle and Anderson’s exchange was brief, but I liked Angle blocking the Mic Check to hit the Angle Slam over the top rope and win the $100,000. I wonder if this will lead to Anderson turning back to heel since he looked pissed off. Things concluded with Angle celebrating with the money and I was done with TNA for the evening.

Rating: 6.0

FINAL THOUGHTS

Segment of the Night: The $100,000 Bound for Glory Invitational Gauntlet Battle Royal

Trash Segment of the Night: Abyss Abducts Dixie Carter

Final Analysis: The live “Before the Glory” edition of Impact was pretty damn weak. With almost every story set heading into Bound for Glory, they were left with lame promos that said nothing, Abyss acting more cartoonish than ever, two old men bleeding for the sake of bleeding, and a decent battle royal that was excessive in how far it pushed the Monster. TNA kept their eyes on TEN TEN TEN with that as the focus of the show, but didn’t do much to actually make me want to see it. Answers to mysteries I don’t care about and matches involving people that were all eliminated by Abyss? Eh. This episode needed to be a knock it out of the park show leading into their biggest pay-per-view of the year and it was pure garbage most of the time. The only ‘surprise’ of the night was Mickie James debuting to cut a promo. That sounds about right.

Verdict: 2.5

411 RATINGS SCALE:
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9: Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect