wrestling / Columns
Hitting the Mark 11.02.10: This Column is Sexist
Hello, all! If you are reading this as soon as it goes up, it is 12:00 am and I will be in bed wondering what the hell could be so important that you would be up at midnight on a Tuesday reading this? These are the events of the universe that forces me to sit back and contemplate such things.
One thing I did contemplate was possibly the greatest manager in pro wrestling history – Happy Belated birthday to Bobby “The Brain” Heenan! WEASEL~!
Did you know I write for the Movie Zone as well? Check out “Around the World in 24 Frames” every Friday! This past week’s column was dedicated to Akira Kurosawa’s 1985 epic, Ran!
If you want to check out a hard-hitting promotion that is a balanced mix of in-ring goodness and “sports entertainment” spectacle, come down(up) to Lima and take a look at W.A.R. (Wrestling And Respect) Wrestling. Their next show, “Cold War” will be held at The UAW Hall on Saturday, December 4th. The main event will be a Steel Cage Match to determine the WAR Heavyweight Champion as Dusty Dillinger takes on Kaden Assad. Also, my personal favorite WAR performer, “Poison” Appollo Starr collides with “Mr. EGO” Cody Hawk in an old-school Indian Strap Match – AND WAR presents its first ever TLC Match! The bell rings at 7:30pm, so stop by and take a chance on an indie show. Even if you live nowhere near the Northwest Ohio region, I feel it is beneficial to any wrestling fan to support their local independent wrestling promotion.
Quick note: Got a chance to check out AMC’s The Walking Dead on my DVR last night. Yeah, this show sold me instantly.
Great column but I think your best point was right at the end of the column when you talk about your nephews. I stopped watching wrestling for six or seven years then I happened to flip it on last year and my four year old was enthralled. I’m now again because of the example of his enjoyment. Many smarks are quick to gripe about someone breaking kayfabe but they constantly break kayfabe in their own viewing experience by worrying about who is getting pushed and buried instead of just enjoying the show.
Posted By: gpjunk (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 12:56 AM
Yeah, experiencing wrestling with those in my family that are still unaware of how the “backstage” events work has been one of the great joys of rediscovering my “mark-ness”. Thanks for sharing your experience!
1. Better column this week.
2. To the “Your Kind” argument I made last week-watch the promo. Right after saying that, Triple H mentioned his ‘great career’ of holding the same title as David Arquette and Vince Russo, then said WCW was a joke.
Posted By: Points (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 02:20 AM
You are correct; I just remember having a red flag go up during the whole buildup. Nothing was said outright, but nowadays – comments that are considered “racially insensitive” don’t need to be and there is “coded” wording. That’s my own personal experience speaking, and I’m not going to dwell on that any longer because this is a wrestling column from the POV of a mark and not a Social Studies essay.
“I watched WrestleMania XIX with a few friends of mine at a bar. A good chunk of us were former WCW fans – no, strike that – a good chunk of us were Anti-WWE fans”
Yeah, definitely sounds smarky to me. Nothing irks me more than people who say they hate WWE, yet have continued watching it for years and years and years and years.
Posted By: Xena (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 02:27 AM
Hey, I’m fully capable of calling a spade a spade, and when I look back, I took things WAY too seriously for their own good. Hence, my changed stance. My point is that people CAN change how they perceive the world.
Thanks for the response to my comments, and for another interesting column.
“I don’t think professional wrestling is perfect – but I also don’t treat professional wrestling like it should be perfect”
I think you’re right here. It’s pointless to complain ferociously about booking inconsistencies or silly gimmicks.
The one area in which I think we, as fans and consumers, do need to keep up our criticial standards and demand more from wrestling companies is their treatment of their wrestlers. Things are getting better, but not quickly enough.
Posted By: The Awesome Pie (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 06:07 AM
That’s a fair statement, and I agree with you fully. What we as fans can do? To be perfectly honest, I don’t know. I do know that as long as the “independent contractor” and “he/she knew what he/she was signing up for when they signed the contract” argument is valid, I think the performers themselves will be in a bind.
Triple H was at one time a WCW midcarder himself. A lower midcarder at that.
Posted By: No (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 10:01 AM
Funny how that works, huh? THAT would’ve been a great comeback for the Bookerman.
Great! Now I have the Young & the Restless theme stuck in my head!
Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 12:55 PM
Imagine having The Days of Our Lives theme stuck in your head for seven years…It also doesn’t help that a great old-school rapper named Craig Mack sampled the theme for a track he did WAAAAY back in 1994. I still have that album on cassette tape. I’m old.
Whoah….Keith David talking about Wrestlemania.
Posted By: Sev (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 01:43 PM
I nearly spit out my drink at this comment.
Great video
Posted By: Guest#4369 (Guest) on October 26, 2010 at 04:46 PM
I will admit that I did not put together this video, but I used it as a result of an extensive search on YouTube. Thank henrikson106 for his/her talent.
This is a great column,keep it up.
Nice picture of Katlin and she is hot, but I think Velvet Sky is the hottest diva or knockout around right now.
Posted By: Still Guest#8287 (Guest) on October 27, 2010 at 02:42 AM
Is Velvet Sky one of the hottest women in wrestling today? You bet. Is she as smoking as my darling Kaitlyn?
The whole “your kind” thing was about Booker T being convicted of crime in the past. Sure, it came off as racist, but only because it was a white guy saying it to a black guy. If it’d been the other way around, we would have just thought “Yeah, we don’t need snoody rich folk being champion”. All the evidence you need is King’s constant badgering of Booker T’s criminal record on the mic during the event; what they were trying to put over was that it was possible to live past your former mistakes. They may have botched it in the end by not letting Booker win, but I personally think it is a critically under-rated match (Triple H made BT look like a million bucks to me, but then it took what? Three years? To give him a stupid and possibly even more racist angle to give him a World Title run.)
Also as an American I’d like to say that I’m ashamed of our modern dialogue and how you cannot bring up the WTC attacks without opening a can of worms about what the gov’t should or shouldn’t have done. What should have brought us all together has really just torn us farther apart than we have been since the 1860s.
Posted By: Cactus (Guest) on October 29, 2010 at 03:44 PM
After checking out as much old footage as I could, I can definitely see where the “past mistakes” argument comes into play. I wonder if some wrestling fans’ collective memory of how the WWE has portrayed their minority performers (Samba Simba? Nearly any Samoan?) came back to bite them on their asses with Booker/Triple H. It’s completely possible that there could have been some “good intentions” and history caught up with the company so much that it fed into our cynical nature. It’s plausible.
I do my very best not to discuss politics with nearly anyone, but I will confess that I also feel that 9/11 is one of those events that should have brought us closer together, but has in fact strained relationships with nearly all of civilized culture. For shame. I still have faith in people, though. If I don’t, what is there to live for?
No, you cannot become a mark again by choice, unless you drill the knowledge of how a match is actually performed out of your head.
You can pretend to be, but it wont be the same “mark-ness” that your nephews and nieces have (or any real mark), and that isn’t just down to their age… it is because they do not yet fully understand how it all works.
We do, so therefore we can only pretend to be.
Posted By: asdas (Guest) on October 27, 2010 at 05:16 AM
I will concede to you. We agree to disagree, since I fully doubt you have documented qualifications in psychology or have unlocked the secret where you can see clearly into my mind.
Using your logic, it’s impossible for me to be a fan of movies, since I am more than aware and am involved with film production – or it’s improbable for me to be a fan of music because I know that songs just don’t appear from thin air. Perhaps I could hand in my baseball, hockey and basketball “mark” cards since I’m aware of all the shenanigans of the professional sports world, like Farve’s libido getting him into trouble; or Lebron James’ playing for Miami; or the knowledge that both The Toronto Blue Jays and Maple Leafs will probably be out of championship contention for a long time. Even though I know all these things, I am still capable of being emotionally engaged by a film, uplifted by a great song, and passionate about the teams I root for.
I think you’re confusing your definition of “mark” with mine. From what I read, you believe being a mark is someone who has absolutely no idea of the production of a wrestling show, match layout, etc. and takes kayfabe as they see it. My definition is simply someone who involves themselves with the storylines, characters and in-ring action, without using the “production” of the show as a hindrance to their enjoyment. As said before – personally, I’m not interested in the backstage drama, politics, finances, ratings or match breakdown, as none of those things affect my enjoyment of professional wrestling. Sure, I’m aware of them, but whether or not someone “botches” a move, only has the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM within their arsenal or is “burying talent” is not a reason for me to dock points off my enjoyment. I love wrestling, I’ll cheer and boo and get involved. Contrary to your personal beliefs, I’m not “pretending” to be anything other than a human being who enjoys professional wrestling, and enjoys every facet (promos, matches, storylines compelling and dumb, the live spectacle, hot women, etc.) equally.
I consider myself (and those who have offered confessionals around here) as proof that one can become a mark again by choice – and really, what I think, how I feel about it and not anyone else’s opinion – is what matters to me. You may not feel the same way, but that’s you – not me. I’m perfectly content, comfortable and happy with my approach to wrestling, henceforth, I’m a mark. It’s the great catch-22 of the English language: one word can have 100 different meanings for 100 different people.
I am truly sorry you feel the way you do. That’s all I can say. I also implore you to read next week’s entry, where I demonstrate my justification of being a mark.
10. Michael Cole is…slowly…warming up to Daniel Bryan. Note how Cole’s praise for Bryan has been evolving over the past few weeks. Yes, Cole is still tearing the former ROH World Champion’s you-know-what on air, but I think it’s apparent that the WWE is behind Bryan, and he’s giving it his all. I could watch him and Ziggler wrestle for a good, long time. Good victory against Ted DiBiase last night.
9. That Tara/Mickie James brawl to kick off Impact this past week was BOSS. Flair taking the Flair-Flop off the hands of a Knockout=Win. In fact, for everything Flair has said about the women in his life, how come it’s taken THIS long in his career for it to bite him on the ass? For all that some fans give to the women who involve themselves in wrestling (see below elaboration), TNA has always had a leg-up (every pun intended) with their Knockouts in the mainstream wrestling world. Add Katie…er…WINTER to the mix and I’m very aroused (yes, I know what word I used) by TNA’s…uh…you know the punchline.
8. Santino is the funniest guy to hit professional wrestling in a good long while – and not juvenile “poop jokes” funny, either. “I have singles. I was going to make it rain later on, but you can have it.” Comedy, gold, people. After thinking about Bobby Heenan, Marella NEEDS to be a manager.
7. If rumors are true and it is indeed Chavo Guerrero under the mask of the Swagger Soaring Eagle, I will give him a standing ovation if/when it’s revealed. Chavo will have proven to me that he can play basically any hand one can be given in a professional wrestling show – from serious minded, championship caliber heel to over the top, ridiculous comedy sidekick.
6. TRIPLE H~! Is it weird that I was actually happy to hear Hunter’s voice – albeit via a cameo? Is it weirder that I felt a twinge of jealously knowing that he’s waking up next to Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley)? Yes, I know his *real* name isn’t Helmsley.
5. Remember when the IWC was going off on Sheamus and even Wade Barrett for moving up too soon? Will we hear the same rumblings for Alberto Del Rio, who looked completely in place as he challenged Kane for the World Heavyweight Title on SmackDown? Del Rio has “it”, that unknown intangible to rile the crowd up – and even as a heel, I wanted to see Del Rio take it to The Big Red Machine to see what he’s capable of. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Alberto Del Rio – Future WrestleMania Main Eventer.
4. I need to give a plug to Aaron Hubbard, who took on the thankless task of counting down (in his opinion) the Greatest WWF/E Champions of all time. Do I agree with every one of his picks? No, but honestly, who would? I commend his work ethic, his research and his own formulation that led to his top twenty. Personally – yes, I feel that Hogan does deserve to be considered the BEST EVAH~! and that some fans around here carry so much venom over John Cena that I would be personally scared to meet any of them. People, he’s just a PERFORMER – yes, his year-long title reign is arguably the most important in the E’s history since Austin won his first World Title at WrestleMania XIV.
3. Do you think any world leader has ever considered having their own announcer, like Alberto Del Rio? Could you imagine Bush II’s entrance? “GEEEEEEEORGE….DUBYA! BUUUUUUUUSH!” Do you think John F. Kennedy would have called his finisher the “JFK”? I wonder if Idi Amin would enter a building using that generic and recycled bongo-drum music that the WWE used for any Samoan back in the days? Obama should take notes. ELLLLLLLLLL PRRRRRRRRESSSSSIDENTEEEEEEEY…BARRRRACK! OOOOOOOOOBAAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAA~! (as pyrotechnics rain from behind.) That actually works quite well. VOTE~!
2. I think us in the IWC gets so focused on our collective rage amongst each other that we can sometimes miss greatness when it is in front of us. I think we should applaud The WWE for a great week’s worth of wrestling: An above-average Bragging Rights PPV, Danielson/Ziggler competing in three very good matches, The Miz and R-Truth having a good match which saw Alex Riley and even Eve step up, a very good Orton/Cena Raw Main Event, a decent Kaval vs. Swagger matchup, a nice tag between DASHING Cody/Drew McIntyre vs. The Big Show/Kofi and a phenomenal Triple-Threat between Edge, Del Rio and Mysterio. Sometimes I think The Monday Night Wars spoiled us so much that when we get a good string of competent in-ring action, we tend to not notice it. Kudos, WWE.
Maybe I didn’t get the memo – or since I’ve been a creative recluse for the longest time that I was not aware of the impending sweeping changes in regards to standards. I’m trying to rack my brain around a particular trend that’s caught me off guard…more so because of my own selfish nature than the actual content of this new IWC-ism.
…so when exactly did we as wrestling fans become the flag-bearers and judges of all things beautiful?
Now, I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t have the right to have different tastes or…ahem… “standards” – but lately I’ve noticed a pattern where the topic of a women in wrestling comes up and opinions range from the mundane (“There’s women like that in any bar in the country”) to the absolutely ridiculous (“She is a fat, ugly scummy piece of country-bumpkin trash”).
Did I miss something here?
I’m going to level with you. If one knows me personally, they’re aware that even though I’m laid back to the point of being accused of apathy, I’m also pretty opinionated when the opportunity presents itself. I won’t BS, I’ll call things out when I feel it’s warranted and I’m as far from politically correct as one can get. I’m also a red-blooded heterosexual male. With that comes the unconditional love I have for the female form. I’m not discriminatory. Even though I may subconsciously prefer darker-haired women (thank my first ever crush, Lynda Carter for that), I’ve dated blonds, redheads and light brunettes. I’ve dated skinny women, uh…”heavier-set” women and everything in between. I’ve dated “WOOO” girls and “Goodie two-shoes”. I’ve dated those heavily involved in the church to those who involve themselves in the “Dark Arts”.
Hell, I’ve even dated my share of “busted” women (everyone, male and female has dated at least one “busted” person in their lifetime. For some, I’m the “busted” one and I’m okay with that.) Point is, if one was born with separate genetilia than me, I’m willing to give her a shot. I’m not picky. I’m a man. It’s one of the few defining traits that separate us from the fairer sex.
Now, does that mean I don’t have my own set of “standards” (whatever that means)? Of course not. I have my preferences of what I feel the “perfect woman” is – but – I’m not going to (nor did I feel the need to) wait around for that “perfect woman” to come my way. Life’s too short, man. Have fun with the one you’re given.
So, what does all of this have to do with wrestling? Well, let me direct you to a particular and recent news item at 411. Here, we have a picture of Canadian Goddess Trish Stratus at The Bell Celebrity Gala. She’s in a delectable dress that evokes memories of the various China Dolls I would encounter in downtown Toronto. I think she’s absolutely stunning, perhaps even more so because of the darker hair (again, my personal preference.) Of course, for this newsbit, I casually broke one of my own rules around here and that’s to not engage myself in the comments section. Well, I didn’t participate, but I did read them, which is something I still do pretty rarely.
Comments that ranged from “gross as hell” to “She’s freaking horrifying!” and how she’s “a f*cking eyesore.” and almost every possible insult in-between was hurled. Now, I could say that these comments personally disturb me because I will take any negative comment about the physical beauty of Queen Stratus as a direct attack on my home country of Canada – and as such – an act of war, but it actually goes further than that. I can’t quite put my finger on it, nor do I want to psychoanalyze – but I’m trying to understand what is up with the latest trend to rag on the “Divas” and “Knockouts” of professional wrestling – a near unanimous conglomerate of beauty – as something “beneath” the male demographic.
From my experience as a lifelong fan of professional wrestling, I’ve understood that it is a fact of life to have beautiful women attached in some way or form. Pro-wrestling is, first and foremost, a form of entertainment – a style where the live audience allows themselves to live vicariously through the faces and heels that confront each other in the squared circle. It is also a form of entertainment whose fanbase is unashamedly male-dominated. One of the tried and true exploits used to get a particular wrestler “over” has been to stick that performer with a gorgeous valet by their side – either to accentuate their chauvinistic and brutish nature (WrestleMania III Macho Man and Elizabeth) or to earn sympathy by way of protecting her when the dastardly heel tries to impose his will (WrestleMania VIII Macho Man and Elizabeth). Of course, I would cite Randy “Macho Man” Savage and his manager/valet, “The First Lady of Wrestling” Elizabeth as my examples because quite frankly, they were the template.
Elizabeth not only exuded a “classic” glamorous look, but in her own way she also represented innocence, vulnerability and a down-to-earth vibe that easily rallied the crowd behind her. Even when Savage was a cruel heel in the early stages of his mainstream career, it was nearly impossible to find fault with Elizabeth herself. She was beauty personified. I still remember the events of WrestleMania IV after Savage’s face turn and how the two of them would return to the ring in four coordinated styles of ring attire. At the time, it seemed as if only Elizabeth could pull off four different, yet stylistic looks in the same night without compromising her natural splendor.
To this day, I’ve NEVER heard, seen or read any opinions of Elizabeth in regards to her physical nature as “ugly” or worse. Of course, I’m pretty sure that there will be someone (there’s always one) who will go out of their way to prove me wrong and say something juvenile about Liz’s glamor. Perhaps the most overused word in the IWC will be spouted out: “Overrated.”
As the years progressed and I “matured” (in quotes because that’s just a subjective opinion) as a man, I obviously discovered my nature to be a man that will always love women. This led to my self-awareness that I would notice more women involved in professional wrestling and would nod my head to myself thinking, “yeah, she’s hot.” I had a ridiculous crush on Sensational Sherri Martel, even though she was Women’s Champion during a time where there was basically no womens division – and even though she was a heartless, conniving heel. While Elizabeth represented a “wholesome” beauty, Sherri – for me, anyways – was the chick one could…let’s say “have more fun” with. From her over the top makeup to her super-stylized and revealing (for that period of time) attire, Sherri was just the “hot one”. From a male perspective, after the whole Mega Powers EXPLODING storyline between Savage and Hulk Hogan, it made perfect sense for The Macho Man to align himself with Sherri. She was the total antithesis of Elizabeth.
For a period of time, the WWF attempted to infuse a more hard-hitting “athletic” style into the women’s division. Bull Nakano and Alundra Blayze led the pack. I thought Blayze was the coolest woman on the planet, wrestling in a style that reminded me of a female version of Bret Hart or Shawn Michaels – she showed flashes of technical brilliance along with some high-flying maneuvers that I never thought any woman would dare to attempt. From sheer will, Blayze was on the top of my “Hot Women Wrestlers” list because she was pretty, but could also kick your ass. There’s nothing wrong with having a lady who’s willing to have your back in a fight and is willing to get a little scrappy herself.
WrestleMania XI rolled around and I think this event encompassed “Ground Zero” for the WWE’s current trend of the kind of women they wanted their fans to rally around. The winner of the 1995 Royal Rumble was not only going to be awarded the awesome prize of challenging the WWF Champion in the main event at WrestleMania, but was going to be given the opportunity to be accompanied by Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson. If there is any doubt of my personal bias towards women who were born north of the 49th parallel, I give to you the former Mrs. Tommy Lee.
At one time, Anderson was – by far and away – by leaps and bounds, miles and galaxies away – the undisputed hottest woman on the planet…maybe the entire universe. I think Satan would have given up his firstborn just to be with her. I can personally attest to the amount of my friends growing up who would have willingly and without hesitation sell their soul, house, car, parents, pets, grandparents, siblings, and left nut just to lay a head on her…lap. The winner of the Royal Rumble got to be escorted by HER?! I’m working out, training, saying my prayers and taking my vitamins to become a pro wrestler if that’s one of the spoils of success. Anderson’s youthful, curvaceous, voluptuous frame became a template of who could find an avenue for success in the wrestling industry.
I’m not even going to get into Jenny McCarthy involving herself at WrestleMania XI as well – as much as I liked the match between Shawn Michaels and Diesel for the WWF Title that year, there’s no way I’m going to lie and say I wasn’t distracted by the awesomeness of McCarthy and Anderson sitting side by side in their respective shimmery and SUPER TIGHT dresses. I had tissues by my side – not for THAT, perverts – but to wipe the tears away at the unfairness that Diesel got to hold hands and be escorted by those beautiful women. Damn you, Big (Daddy Cool) Sexy. Damn you straight to hell~!!!!1111!
From there, the wrestling world was introduced to first, Marlena – the standout “director” who stood at newcomer Golddust’s side, and then Sable at WrestleMania XII. I remember going ga-ga during the Hunter Hearst Helmsley/Ultimate Warrior match up. Sure, I was anticipating The Warrior’s return to the ring as much as the next superfan, but when HHH came out with his escort, myself and my friends decided to take a page out of Jack Nicholson’s handbook: “Stop the press, who is THAT?” Eventually, Helmsley would get DECIMATED by The Warrior in a matter of minutes and would blame the loss on poor Sable, which would lead to a feud with the debuting “Wildman” Marc Mero (how I miss the days of WrestleMania being used to bookend the end and beginnings of storylines.) Mero would prove to be an exciting and competent performer (I remember his Johnny B. Badd days in WCW), but I would be lying if the focus of his career wasn’t the woman from who he saved from the future 13-Time World Champion.
While Elizabeth was classic beauty, Sherri was independent female hotness and Alundra Blayze was kick-ass goddess goodness, Sable was…Something entirely different. Of course, she may have been the right person in the right place at the right time in my days as an oversexed, puberty-stricken young man. I was just starting to master the art of being a male whore in high school (don’t lie, high school was for most of us – just one gigantic orgy of scandals, stolen kisses and unspeakable acts under the bleachers, the stairs, behind the curtains of the school stage, under the orchestra pit, in the drama dressing room and wherever else two [or more?] people could sneak off to experiment what they learned in Sex Ed.) Point of the matter was that for a lot of young men, and probably even a lot of old men, Sable became the fantasy – and like most women involved in wrestling, became infinitely hotter when she went heel. “Who wants to see THE GRIND?” is still my favorite catchphrase from any female wrestler, ever. Ever.
Of course, there’s one particular valet/manager that I haven’t even mentioned: Sunny. Oh, Sunny. Sunny was the “OD” – Original Diva. I can’t even begin to tell you in words how integral Sunny was to my puberty and my road to manhood. I can’t, so I’m just going to let her do the talking for me. Sunny days indeed, Bret. Sunny days, indeed.
You may be reading this and are thinking, “Thanks for the trips down memory lane, Len – even the awkward pre-pubescent moments, but what does this have to do with how we as fans are overly critical of women’s ‘look’ in wrestling today?”
Let’s fast-forward past the Attitude-Era and start with two words. Mickie. James.
Mickie James burst onto the mainstream wrestling scene in late 2005 as Trish Stratus’ “stalker” in the WWE. When she arrived, the internet fans went ga-ga over her. There were claims that not only is she a babe, but she can wrestle. Everyone was crazy for the crazy lady who wanted to be Trish – down to the live crowd turning her face at WrestleMania 22 and culminating in the “crotch grab heard (how does one hear a crotch grabbed, anyways?) around the world.” That little bit of lesbianism made her a thousand times hotter in the eyes of most male wrestling fans, and it seemed clear that she was the heir apparent to Stratus and her brief, yet successful run at the top as the WWE’s main Diva.
As with any professional wrestler that reaches a semblance of popularity, the backlash for Mickie James arrived – and it arrived hard. Just last year, during an angle with LayCool, Michelle McCool and Layla would tease James, calling her “Piggie James” and making all sorts of fat jokes about her. Over time, the strangest thing happened. Now, I don’t know if this started out as a sarcastic dig or if these opinions started out as truly genuine, but some wrestling fans began to spout out the same scripted talking points. Some started murmuring that James had “let herself go” and some had stated that she had ballooned to an uncompromising weight. While the whole “horseface” stigma seemed attached to her at first, this particular criticism became puzzling and depressing.
Mickie James is 5′ 4″ tall and weighs at 122lbs. I don’t know about anyone else, but that seems to me to be the numbers of a perfectly healthy woman. I’m not one to get into the whole “plastic fake girl” vs. “healthy real girl” debate that’s sprung up around here lately. I don’t get it. Perhaps the internet has opened the floodgates to all the Rico Suave’s out there and they’re making their voices heard. Maybe most of these fans are shagging away at Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Britney Spears and Katy Perry look-a-likes at a rapid clip and I’m completely unaware of it. All I know is that I would never walk up to Mickie James and insinuate that she would be hotter if she lost 5-10 lbs. I think she’s hot the way she is now. Again, maybe I’m missing something here.
I have become aware of the current trend to rip any and everything diva and women-wrestling related. Everything from declaring every womens match as a “bathroom break”, to basically having a negative opinion of every valet, manager or performer in some way regarding their physical look. Again, I understand that everyone has different tastes, but really – is EVERY perceived female performer involved in wrestling “rail-thin”, “plastic”, “fake”, “skanky”, “generic”, “horsefaced” or at the very worst, “fat”? That can’t be. The law of numbers is basically telling me that every woman that has ever associated themselves with pro wrestling has lost whatever physical luster she had. I’ve seen fans complain about recent NXT rookie Jamie, saying she’s nasty because she’s “too muscular”. I’ve read criticisms of Kelly Kelly calling her “generic” and “a dime a dozen”. I’ve read the overused term of “overrated” (in regards of looks) for the following: SoCal Val, Maryse, The Bella Twins, Trish Stratus, Gail Kim, Layla and Velvet Sky. I’ve seen the classification of “horseface” given to these women: Michelle McCool, Melina, Marlena, Sable, Stephanie McMahon, Beuleah McGillicutty, Angelena Love and Mickie James. Stacy Keilber should eat a sandwich, or twenty apparently. Traci Brooks, Eve, Miss Tessmacher, Alicia Fox and Candice Michelle have all been called “butterfaces”. At one point, Lita was considered the hottest woman in wrestling, and now she’s “skanky” and no one would touch her with a 10…20…100 foot pole. Beth Phoenix, Molly Holly and Natalya are too “thick”. Maria isn’t thick enough. The combined ratio of silicone is enough to make Mattell their toys for the next century. They’re all flawed while those who make those criticisms aren’t, I guess.
I’m a guy. I’m a fan of pro wrestling. As much as I like to see two guys settle their differences in the ring or a great skit/promo selling a feud or generally being comedy relief, I’m not going to complain when I see a beautiful woman on my television or at a live show. I certainly will be the last person to give beauty advice to someone I already think is gorgeous (I’ll leave that to DASHING Cody Rhodes.) While some feel they paid their hard-earned cash to see two men go at it and must decide to go take a leak while women “invade” the ring, I’ve always been the guy who just smiles while the ladies do their part to contribute to a wrestling show. Hot women grappling each other and getting into catfights? Where do I sign? I’ll buy that for a dollar.
Perhaps my time as a fashion photographer spoiled me to the life of hanging around and taking pictures of beautiful scantily-clad women that I’ve grown selfish in my appetites to see more beautiful scantily-clad women. My current place of employment does not afford me the opportunities to engage with the upper echelons of the opposite sex – so whatever I can take, I’ll take. Hey, I’m a man who isn’t picky and doesn’t adhere to any “high standards”. I’m perfectly comfortable with that self-assessment.
I’m also lost to the counter-argument that says, “This is WRESTLING – if you want to see chicks like that, watch porn.” That probably says more about that person’s particular lifestyle than any damning critique of the female form. Excuse me for actually responding to my libido and not succumbing to any potential misogynist-led ideologies.
So please, for the sake of my own sanity – will someone be able to properly explain to me why there are so many, many wrestling fans who seem to scoff at the notion that there are many, many exceptionally beautiful women who are involved in professional wrestling? Have I missed the rule that claims there is something terribly wrong with that? Is there a super secret “hotness meter” that I haven’t discovered and I should be using to assess how one should look? I would like to challenge those who leave their insane comments to post pictures of themselves around here and see if they would fare any better. Hell, I have no shame; I’d do it myself and eat popcorn as I’m torn apart by the comments section.
I would like to conclude this little diatribe with a final analysis: So, there are some whose standards in regards to women in professional wrestling are so high that they’re willing to just toss aside the basic tenets of female glamor to worship whatever singular ideal they have of “perfection”. Well, there’s a couple things to consider before one decides to take up that crippling burden of letting the rest of us poor, pathetic lowlifes with no taste understand what real beauty is all about…
1) No one is perfect.
2) One man’s rejection is another man’s erection.
Make your statements. Curse and belittle all of the beautiful women in the world. Toss them aside in your eternal search for perfection. I’ll take what you don’t like. I’ll take them all…because I’M HARDCORE~!
(Disclaimer: the following article was written without the expressed, written consent of Len Archibald’s wife. Any forthcoming punishment will not be disclosed in future columns…if he’s allowed to write them anymore.)
Questions or comments? Completely disagreed? Are you in love with me? Leave comments below or email me at [email protected]!!!
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