The Third Annual 411 Staff Rumble, Part UNO!

Steve Calloway: “HELLO Ladies….HELLO Gentlemen, welcome to the THIRD Annual 411Mania Staff Royal Rumble, where 40 of the biggest, the baddest, and the most obscure will battle it out in an over the top battle royal. Only one man can be declared the winner, and along with all of the prestige, all of the glory, all of the money, all of the free hot chocolate and gummy bears, the winner gets a date with former WWE Employeee Tara! I’m Steve Calloway, and this is my co-host, The Green Bastard!”
The Green Bastard: Hello Steve. Hello 411 Universe. Tonight’s Rumble is brought to you by TNA, in a desperate attempt to squash the staff’s biases. We accept your challenge, and good luck with that Dixie!
Steve Calloway: Dixie needs all the luck she can get these days, Green. It’s sure nice of them to loan us the Asylum for this prestigious event though. We know this is the biggest Staff Rumble in history, and really, I think it’s anyone’s game. Let’s find out who our #1 entrant is!
The Green Bastard: For SOME reason we’re counting down from 10 before the music hits, but whatever, let’s go with it!

#1: Michael Ornelas

Steve Calloway: Stupid faulty buzzer…and music that obnoxiously confidant can only mean one thing: Michael Ornelas is starting this match out for us. Will he follow in the footsteps of Shawn Michaels and…that other guy who won from #1?
The Green Bastard: I don’t know Steve, but he sure as hell can try! The almost ALWAYS absent author of “Your News, My Views” must have been gone this frequently for a reason! I can’t fathom a reason any better than Rumble training!
Steve Calloway: Well, he has a huge mountain to climb, and also climbing that mountain is….someone who might get here eventually. Why did we start the sixty second intervals already?
The Green Bastard: ………………………………..Okay! Here’s the ten second countdown! I have NEVER felt a minute longer than this one before. And it’s 411’s surefire future Hall of Famer, Larry Csonka!

#2: Larry Csonka

Steve Calloway: This is a man who should have his own wing dedicated to him one day, Bastard! And frankly, I don’t like Ornelas’ chances right now. He’s a rookie going up against the Triple H of 411. But then, I’ve been proven wrong before, and attacking him before he gets both feet in the ring is a good strategy in my book.
The Green Bastard: The writers of “Your News, My Views” are getting into it right away! Ornelas flips out of a German suplex and HE HITS HIS SIGNATURE KICKING COMBO!! That’s “Your Face, My Shoes!!”
Steve Calloway: It seems to have no effect on Larry, Bastard.
The Green Bastard: I think Ornelas’ absenteeism is coming back to haunt him! He has to write his column to give it power! This is going to be a long night for the newcomer. Or a very, VERY short night!
Steve Calloway: I’m sure he’s used to those. You know, normally, Larry would be a favorite, but at the #2 position and with an extra ten people, it may be too much to ask. Call me old school, but I think the extra bodies are as gratuitous as a Kristopowitz column.
The Green Bastard: You know, he’s the boss. He can fire you Steve. Csonka, when you view this later, please know that you were MY pick to go the distance! And here’s the countdown for our number 3 entrant.

#3: Mysterious

Steve Calloway: Mysterious? What the heck kind of name is that? Do you know anything this guy, Bastard?
The Green Bastard: Boy do I, Mr. C. This man is a truly INFAMOUS commenter during the Live 411 Pay-Per-View Coverages. This man knows all the results to all the matches on wrestling Pay-Per-Views before they even happen!
Steve Calloway: Really? Huh. Wonder if he has any insight on who’s going to win this match.
The Green Bastard: It appears so Steve. He’s grabbing a microphone since the Your News, My Views writers are duking it out in the corner. Csonka has Ornelas’ right leg over the top rope, but I’m more interested in what Mysterious is going to say!
Mysterious: Tonight, Larry Csonka will win the Staff Rumble.
The Green Bastard: See, I told you Steve! Csonka’s got this in the bag!
Steve Calloway: Well, I suppose you may be right about Larry being the favorite. That would make him the winner two out of three years. Darn, I was really hoping someone could break the glass ceiling as it were.
The Green Bastard: For some reason, Mysterious is going after Csonka! Why would he try and fight fate? Ornelas is sliding back in the ring under the bottom rope.
Steve Calloway: Well, perhaps he just wants to put on a good showing? I mean, it’s not like wrestlers do that when they know they are going to lose anyway…and the electric shock collar is telling me I need to acknowledge kayfabe before the fourth entrant comes in.

#4: “The Nice Guy” JP Prag with the ghost of J.T.

The Green Bastard: And it’s….JP PRAG! WOAH! We have our first big return of the night, and we’re only on number four?? THIS may be the most exciting Rumble in history!
Steve Calloway: This JP Prag sure is a Nice Guy. And look, he even brought the Ghost of JT with him! This is indeed a night of epic returns! Who’s next? Ron Gamble? Jake Chambers? Elmo Machete?
The Green Bastard: For those of you that don’t remember dinosaurs like him, he wrote the popular column “Hidden Highlights” many years ago. Ornelas is going right after him! I wonder why?
Steve Calloway: Well, to my knowledge, he never once posted a highlight that Ornelas’ commenting alias “Empire of Ownage” sent him. Which is impressive, because even Hubbard got a highlight posted, and that was about Chris Benoit post 07! Maybe he’s not such a nice guy after all.
The Green Bastard: *Removes headset* Steven, you are NOT allowed to mention wrestling’s Voldemort on this broadcast! This is 411 PG!
Steve Calloway: *Removes headset* PG? But how are going to commentate without all of our tasteless Benoit, Owen and Boss Man jokes, not to mention the excessive profanity? Who made this call?
The Green Bastard: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry about that interruption. Technical difficulties and an announcer who doesn’t value his job very much caused a delay of commentary. Back in the ring, Mysterious is on the top rope, and he hits Csonka with a Missile dropkick! Ornelas rolls out and nails a running knee on the ghost of JT! Prag may be a nice guy, but JT had that coming. You don’t trip a guy who’s running the ropes.
Steve Calloway: Yeah. That bully! Vintage evilness. I hope our next entrant is as family friendly as it gets.

#5: The Wrestling Bear

The Green Bastard: AND HE IS! You don’t get more PG than a wrestling bear on a tricycle…unless he goes all Siegfried and Roy on us and mauls one of the other competitors!
Steve Calloway: A bear? Jeez, they’ll let anyone in the Rumble these days. Although, with his size and strength, it’s a necessity to toss him out quickly.
The Green Bastard: He’s been in the ring for all of two seconds and Csonka’s provoking it! Crotch chop! PEDIGREE!!
Steve Calloway: I’m surprised he didn’t use the spinning piledriver ala Zangeif! But then, nothing is stronger than the almighty Pedigree. I notice that Ornelas has been trying to dump Prag over for about 40 seconds. You know, if it doesn’t work right away, you should try something else.
The Green Bastard: Well, judging by his RoH Recap, that idea has never crossed his mind. He just takes the failure ball and runs with it.
Steve Calloway: Nobody watches that show anyway. The Bear is back up! And he’s got CSONKA! THE BEAR HUG! What a devastating submission hold, but you can’t be eliminated if you pass out!
The Green Bastard: It appears that he knows that, as he’s now stalking Mysterious. He hits him with his DEVASTATING finisher, the MAUL OF FAME!! He sends both JP and Michael Ornelas down to the mat with a double spinning overhead reverse BEARPLEX DRIVERBOMB!!! The wrestling bear is the only one on his feet right now, but we have our next entrant!

#6: Ari Berenstein

Steve Calloway: It’s Ari Berenstein! Not to be confused with A-Ri, this man has more workrate per column than almost everyone on staff, and I know he hates bears with a passion.
The Green Bastard: It certainly appears that way, Steve. He’s on the apron, eyeballing the bear, and there appears to be a standoff. Ari gets into the ring and STRAPS DOWN!!! He takes a second to kick Larry in the gut, most likely because Csonka’s already the predetermined victor, and then charges the bear!
Steve Calloway: He’s caught Ari in the Mandible Bear Claw! THE MANDIBLE BEAR CLAW! Can Ari survive this? No, he can’t as the Bear has powered him over the top rope with his mighty paws! And Ari has the dubious distinction of being the first man eliminated not thirty seconds after entering!
The Green Bastard: Well folks, there’s our first elimination of the night. If elimination by BEAR isn’t considered to be exciting, I don’t know what is, Steve! Back to the action, our four competitors are finally making it back to their feet. Mysterious is up first, and he slaps the taste out of that nice guy JP Prag’s mouth! Prag goes to slap him back, but Mysterious hits his patented SPOILER ALERT!! I don’t see how Prag can even feel his tailbone after that nasty maneuver!
Steve Calloway: For a guest, Mysterious is doing quite well for himself. But not anymore, as Ornelas is planting him with his signature four-and-a-half Dragon suplexes!
The Green Bastard: That half one hurts the most Steve. It’s like he stops caring and just drops them on their neck! It’s rather careless, but damn, if it isn’t effective! Ooh! I wasn’t even paying attention to the counter. The music’s already on! 411maniacs, Steve Cook!
Steve Calloway: I’m sure there’s a really bad pun I could make here, but my job has already been threatened twice this evening. Honestly, it’s a miracle he recovered from being decapitated last year. Fortunately, the Sword of Omens has since been confiscated.
The Green Bastard: I think, in all honesty, Steve Cook’s biggest challenge here is his inability to execute ANY wrestling moves due to the complications that arose during his head reattachment procedure last year. It’s not even a matter of physical ability, it’s that he lost the ability to form memories, and forgets everything he learns.
Steve Calloway: That poor soul. But then, this is a glorified barfi…I mean alleyfi….er, uhbackyar…sheesh, a glorified kerfuffle. There we go, that’s PG. You really don’t need to be able to wrestle.
The Green Bastard: He’s going after Csonka! If you ask me, that’s just pointless. Wait a minute, everyone’s uniting to eliminate the boss! Ornelas has a leg, Cook has the other, Prag’s pushing on his his chest, Mysterious is trying to leg press him from underneath, and even JT’s ghost is pulling his hair from the apron! This is really picking up, and we even have another entrant!

#8: Kevin Ford

Steve Calloway: It’s Kevin Ford of CHIKARA recapping fame! And oh dear, he’s got the invisible grenade! Don’t throw it, don’t throw it! Aw crap, he threw it! Duck, Green Bastard!
The Green Bastard: He wasted NO time with the heavy artillery! That damn near singed my eyebrows off! It ALSO broke up the 3-on-1 elimination attempt on Csonka. Ford has finally hopped in the ring though, and he seems to be…yes he’s going to…can we handle a…DANCE PARTY??

Steve Calloway: Oh, for crying out loud. These kind of shenanigans belong in a bingo hall in front of fifty people. It’s an embarrasment to the sport Bastard. He can’t even dance that well!
The Green Bastard: Amasis would roll over in his grave if he were dead! I really hope there are no more of these CHIKARA guys in our Rumble. Wizards, insects, and Germans have no place in our sport!
Steve Calloway: I concur with that. So far we have dance parties and an ursine that came in on a tricycle. Our credibility is on it’s last leg as it is. But here is our ninth entrant….

#9: Sorceror Ant

The Green Bastard: Oh come on! This is just stupid! SORCERER ANT?? I don’t know which half of that is more ridiculous!
Steve Calloway: But man, you can’t question his effectiveness! He just waved that wand, and everyone in ring froze! He has a heck of an opportunity here!
The Green Bastard: “Butt man” indeed Steve. Sorcerer Ant has just changed his appearance to that of Billy Gunn! I don’t think he knows how to use that wand. These Indy guys simply don’t have any experience! He doesn’t know how to capitalize. He’s not even inside the ring yet! He waves his wand one more time and he melted his feet into the floor! Let’s hope he fixes it before the next entrant makes it to the ring or he’ll be eliminated!
Steve Calloway: And what a travesty that would be. Thankfully, he has teleported himself into the ring, melted legs and all, and the next entrant is….

#10: Gargoyle Ant

Steve Calloway: Gargoyle Ant! A rock-solid competitor bringing new meaning to the term “Crushing Weight of Mainstream Obscurity!”
The Green Bastard: I’ve never heard that term before, Steve, but you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! This is wrestling, not a circus! What is this? Total Nonst—[Censored by the Sponsors]–ion?? Nothing’s making sense!
Steve Calloway: At this rate there won’t be any commentary by entry #30.
The Green Bastard: [—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————Censored by the Sponsors—————————————————————————————-]
Steve Calloway: I concur, Bastard. Anyways, Gargoyle Ant seems to be fighting the wrestling bear, which will hopefully lead to a double elimination, so we can take this bout more seriously. Everyone else is now unfrozen and they have their eyes on Sorcerer Ant!
The Green Bastard: He’s really focusing hard here. Whatever he’s going for must be BRUTAL! There’s a cloud of smoke at his feet, and it’s now shrouding his whole being! He…has disappeared?? HE APPEARED ON THE TOP ROPE! He’s…..very slowly losing his balance, and falls to the floor. Well that was….something? Sorcerer Ant, the entrant with the biggest advantage, has been eliminated.
Steve Calloway: I…really don’t know what to say. But since this isn’t 1992, self-elimination does indeed count, and we are down to one generic indy half-breed ant. And for the love of all that is decent, Gargoyle Ant has Cook rocking! Can he avoid elimination here?
The Green Bastard: He can if Csonka has anything to do with it! Csonka hits a Boss Man Slam on Gargoyle Ant! Cook is safe for now! And we have our eleventh entrant’s music hit!

#11: Ryan Byers

Steve Calloway: Ryan Byers? Wow, they just get more popular by the second, don’t they, Bastard? By the way, how does your name sneak under the PG Radar?
The Green Bastard: It’s a matter of precedent. Hornswoggle was first called Little Bastard in the WWE, and they’re PG now. Airtight. Byers is wrestling a distinctly Japanese style right now! He has dropped nearly everyone on their head!
Steve Calloway: Well, he was, but now he doing nothing but punching and kicking. And now he’s got Prag in a chinlock. I think someone has been watching RAW lately.
The Green Bastard: His workrate is plummeting like Shane McMahon plus an elbow drop! The ring is certainly starting to get filled up. We have Byers, Cook, Csonka, Mysterious, Gargoyle Ant, Ornelas, Ford, and Prag in there all at once right now!
Steve Calloway: Not to mention the Wrestling Bear! Sure, he’s on the floor eating honey, but he never got thrown out. But in the ring, it’s one big brawl. And Ford has attacked the Gargoyle, which may be the worst mistake he ever makes. Perhaps the twelth entrant can rescue him….

#12: Adam Hill

The Green Bastard: It’s Adam Hill, writer the Music 5 & 1! But the answer is no. He can’t save Ford because he went straight after Larry! But Ford has his own survival in mind as he pulls out yet ANOTHER Invisible Grenade!
Steve Calloway: Another one? Oh, the humanity! Tell me when it’s over Green, I can’t watch a second one.
The Green Bastard: You have nothing to worry about Steve, it was just targeted at Gargoyle Ant, and he’s not even a real person!
Steve Calloway: Thank goodness! And Gargoyle is not happy about that! ROCK BOTTOM TO FORD! Ford is crawling in the corner, AVALANCHE! The ring moved on that devastating blow, and Ford has been sent over the top rope!
The Green Bastard: The grenade didn’t even seem to affect the Gargoyle at ALL! It’s as though he’s made of STONE or something…
Steve Calloway: I’m not going to dignify that with a remark. And there goes another one as Csonka has tossed out Mysterious! But you have to believe that the weight of his prediction is going to make Larry a target throughout this match.

#13: Tony Acero

The Green Bastard: Well I doubt the next man will be the one to throw him out! Tony “The NXT Guy” Acero is the word “rookie” personified. He’s keeping his distance from Csonka, however, likely due to fear, and goes up and SLAPS Steve Cook in the face! What do you think this is about?
Steve Calloway: I hear they have a rivalry over the love of NXT Season 3 competitor/FCW Diva AJ Lee. And who can blame them? It’s still a travesty that she lost, in my opinion.
The Green Bastard: I think we can all agree on that. The Acero/Cook dispute seems pointless though, as I hear she’s got that hots for Ornelas. And if Acero is trying to impress her, he’s not doing a very good job…he’s trying to PIN his opponents! The ghost of JT, the BEAR, a GARGOYLE! He can’t win that way, and I’m relatively certain that JT’s ghost isn’t in the match…
Steve Calloway: Perhaps he’s been playing to much of Survival Mode in No Mercy. Though honestly, our current participants aren’t much better than the average create-a-wrestler. Except Csonka, there is very little in the way of legitimate star power here.
The Green Bastard: You got that right. This is painful to watch though, Steve. The ring is a mess! Oh, but Byers hits a BACKDROP DRIVAHH on the JP! He’s back to his Puroresu ways! Csonka and Ornelas are engaged in a chop battle. The bear and Gargoyle Ant are at a stalemate in a test of strength! Acero isn’t even getting ONE counts on Steve Cook! Adam Hill is bickering with the ghost of JT, but I hear the music of another competitor!

#14: AJ Lee

Steve Calloway: Well, speak of the she-devil, it’s AJ Lee! In the flesh! And she is automatically the most interesting competitor in this match. I don’t care who wins, she’s my favorite.
The Green Bastard: She goes right up to Ornelas and floors him with a Liplock! Tony Acero saw it though, and he manages to eliminate Steve Cook in a fit of rage!
Steve Calloway: Acero is approaching AJ, but she seems scared! She’s leaped over the top rope! No, she’s eliminated hereself! Acero is heartbroken, and so are all of the males in the audience! I hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave.
The Green Bastard: I don’t care who wins this thing anymore. Ornelas goes home victorious no matter what after that encounter!
Steve Calloway: That is the truth! One person who won’t be going home victorious is Acero, who just saw the murderous look on Csonka’s face and jumped out! Frankly, he better get out of Dodge, because I don’t think there’s anyone more hated than him right now, and Byers is even out here still!
The Green Bastard: Well now I don’t know WHO wins the Drew Carey Award! Two self-eliminations. I guess AJ looked better while doing it, so I’ll give it to her.
Steve Calloway: I BET you will!
The Green Bastard: Steve, this is a PG show, buddy. Mess up again, and you’ll be replaced with Michael Cole.
Steve Calloway: Well, I can’t have that travesty happen. I’ll behave myself.

#15: Dustin James

Steve Calloway: And Dustin James is the next entrant! This man is an also-ran if there ever was one.
The Green Bastard: He’s IMMEDIATELY going to Csonka…’s aide?
Steve Calloway: Well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Larry’s supposed to win this thing, so it might behoove him to help the boss get there. Who knows…Larry might even give him the second place prize.
The Green Bastard: It seems as though JP Prag was eliminated! Ornelas FINALLY got the best of him and threw him to the floor! I guess his Your Face, My Shoes actually DOES have some power on NORMAL competitors!
Steve Calloway: I’m positive JP didn’t enjoy that. Frankly, I’m amazed Ornelas has lasted this long. Definitely the most impressive rookie performer thus far, even if most people forgot who he is.
The Green Bastard: Here’s a Hidden Highlight for you, Steve. When Ornelas threw Prag out of the ring, JT’s ghost can be see crying in the background!
Steve Calloway: That’s because he’ll never be seen again on the site. Leave the Memories Alone. And now it’s time for entry #16, which used to mean we were halfway through but is no longer significant.

#16: James Gustafson

The Green Bastard: James Gustafson? Have you heard of him, Steve? Everyone in the ring is looking at him in confusion.
Steve Calloway: Gunderson…Gunderson…nope, it’s not ringing a bell. You know, I’m begging someone to eliminate the Gargoyle and the Bear. A little levity is all well and good, but this is a prestigious event and they are tarnishing its legacy with their continued presence!
The Green Bastard: Byers has AGAIN reverted to his chinlocks and stomps! He is tossed over the top with EASE by the man who I’m being told writes the Movie Zone’s 5 & 1, Steve Gustafson. I guess it’s hard to defend against that which you didn’t know existed!
Steve Calloway: There’s a Movie 5 & 1? See, that’s the problem with the business these days. A gimmick works well once, and then they run it into the ground. But, I think we owe a debt to Gunderson for ridding us of Byers’ negativity and nitpicking.
The Green Bastard: Csonka and Dustin James are double-teaming everyone in sight, but seem to be having difficulty making actual eliminations. They now stand toe to toe with the bear and the gargoyle!
Steve Calloway: The entrants are really piling up. Can you imagine if we had no eliminations until all 40 entrants are in? Would the ring be able hold it? Sure, it would be boring, but I’m sure it would be a Rumble first.
The Green Bastard: Yes it would, but we don’t have to worry about that thanks to Ari “Gone in Sixty Seconds” Berenstein. Speaking of sixty seconds, here’s our next entrant!

#17: JP Prag “The Buisnessman” with Million Dollar Championship

Steve Calloway: Why it’s….JP Prag? With the Million Dollar Belt? Didn’t Ornelas eliminate him? What’s going on here?
The Green Bastard: See, THIS isn’t the author of Hidden Highlights. THIS GUY did the Hamilton Ave Journal. OH! He cheap shots Dustin James and nails Larry in the back of the skull with the belt! You can’t do THAT to your boss!
Steve Calloway: I guess when you’re that rich, you can do anything you want! Did anyone ever actually READ that column? I mean, I dunno about you, but I like reading about wrestling on a wrestling website. At least he’s better than the Bear and the Gargoyle. He has a gimmick, they ARE gimmicks.
The Green Bastard: I guess Prag can do it because Larry’s no longer his boss! Anyways, Steve, there are WAY too many jobbers out here right now. Let’s cross our fingers and hope for a big name next.

#18: Porifio Diaz

Steve Calloway: We can only hope. There’s the countdown and it’s….Porifio Diaz? 411 has Mexicans on staff?
The Green Bastard: You know, Ornelas is a Mexican name.
Steve Calloway: I don’t think 25% counts in the grand scheme of things Green, especially when you can’t talk the talk. What nation of origin is Bastard, just in case it’s on Jeopardy?
The Green Bastard: I’d tell you, but it’s INCREDIBLY racist. But I will say, it’s a place where they don’t celebrate Father’s Day.
Steve Calloway: Well, we’ve just about exhausted our censorship button, so perhaps it’s better we don’t know. Anyway, Diaz and Ornelas are going toe to toe, so I guess their common heritage doesn’t mean anything.
The Green Bastard: Diaz isn’t making much of an impact (Thursday, 9/8c on Spike TV!) while chaos is the common theme in the ring.
Steve Calloway: Chaos is something you can also see on Thursdays, 9/8 on Spike TV. Although I don’t know if that’s an endorsement. I have to tell you, if something doesn’t happen quickly, I might just let Cole come and take my place.
The Green Bastard: You’re in luck because I predict that our next entrant will be a HUGE name for 411.

#19: Jeremy Thomas

The Green Bastard: AND IT IS! JEREMY THOMAS! He’s out with that badass brown trenchcoat as he makes his way to the ring.
Steve Calloway: Business has picked up! Jeremy is one of 411’s most respected members, and frankly, I think he has to be a sentimental favorite to win. Pound for pound, he may be the best man in this match.
The Green Bastard: He hits a step-up enziguiri on Larry Csonka and throws Dustin James to the apron! He means business as he’s trying to kick James out of the match!
Steve Calloway: He’s almost got him but Larry has a sleeper hold, bringing this match to a dead halt. The Bear and the Gargoyle are running roughshod on everyone, almost everyone is down and they are cornering Ornelas! This doesn’t look good!
The Green Bastard: Prag and Diaz are battling it out in one corner, Dustin James is taking it to Steve Gustafson, Adam Hill is…still in this match apparently! Things aren’t looking good for Ornelas as the clock hits zero!

#20: Aaron Hubbard

Steve Calloway: And it’s….Aaron Hubbard! This match just got ten times more Contentious. Dragon Suplex on Gargoyle Ant! Atomic Drop/Legsweep combo on the bear. Elbows for both….creatures and Ornelas is back on his feet!
The Green Bastard: They shake hands and have seemingly formed an alliance! Two men bounded by having reviewed the same show for the website! They hoist the bear and Gargoyle Ant on their shoulders and DOUBLE F-5s in the middle of the ring! That was close to 800 lbs. EACH! Ornelas throws the wrestling bear over the top rope and to the floor while Hubbard similarly dispatches Gargoyle Ant! That’s a HUGE load off the canvas!
Steve Calloway: And a huge boost to the credibility of this contest! I never thought I’d say that with Hubbard in there, but yes, the match is better for his inclusion!
The Green Bastard: I don’t know about all that, but Jeremy Thomas is still kicking butt and taking names! The clock is up and counting down…but it stops at 1? We’re halfway through the match, and all the men are rolling under the bottom rope. INTERMISSION! Go to part 2!