The Contentious Ten 03.21.11: Signs You Might Be a Wrestling Fan

Hello everyone, and welcome to The Contentious Ten!

Some of you may know me as the writer of 411’s WWE Smackdown Report a.k.a., the guy who hasn’t had a very eventful Friday in about seven months. Short story even shorter, I found out this column was up for grabs, and figured it would be a fun challenge. I’d like to thank Aaron Hubbard for his work; it always made me think and will certainly be a tough act to follow.

Now onto the column…Despite all the arguing and borderline hatred exchanged between us wrestling fans, we do have many things in common. If you’re reading this, chances are you have a profound connection to pro wrestling. A connection that makes you a little bit different- for better or worse- than others. And so, the Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Wrestling Fan…

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It’s Woooo, Not Whoooo size=6>

Does this bother you as much as it bothers me? It’s one of the most famous exclamations in wrestling history. You hear it every time you go to a wrestling show, whether Ric Flair is there or not. People chant it before, after and during the event. They bring signs with the word proudly displayed. And yet, it still gets misspelled. Whenever I see it spelled “Whoooo,” I think of Pete Townshend and get “Who Are You” stuck in my head for the next few hours. Get the “h” out of there and join us in Flair Country.

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N-W-B size=6>

You raise your arms above your head, give two thumbs up and point to yourself three times while shouting your initials: N-W-B! It could be a celebratory thing, or it could just be that you’re bored out of your mind. Mary Jane might also be involved somehow. Either way, it probably shouldn’t be done around other people. I don’t find myself doing this very often anymore, but was all over it when I first found out about Rob Van Dam.

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What a Bargain size=6>

Do you have mounds of unwatched wrestling DVDs and videos? This happens to me when I spend a little too much time on Highspots- especially when they have stuff on sale. I basically turn into the annoying lady at the shopping mall.

Someone Else: Why did we just get a package of 15 wrestling DVDs in the mail?
Me: Because it was only $5!

You probably end up making some questionable purchases, but who cares? It’s wrestling, and the main event is Billy Smith vs. Fire Punch. Now that I think about it, that may be why I still haven’t gotten around to watching that one yet.

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The HHH Water Spray size=6>

If you’ve done this, you’re probably a wrestling fan. That, or you just tasted Dasani metal water for the first time. Surprisingly, this is much harder than it looks on TV- that man has it down to a science. I’ve tried it several times, but it never sprays as evenly. It’s never misty. I usually end up all wet and covered in backwash. Or, if it takes place in the shower, the walls and ceiling are dripping when it’s over. There’s another awkward conversation. Actually, that probably has a lot to do with all the hate HHH gets- jealousy over his water spraying technique.

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One of Us size=6>

Do you get excited- almost giddy- when you randomly meet another wrestling fan in person? I think the reason for that excitement is that it’s comparable to finally stumbling across that blue moon. Raw is the longest running weekly episodic television show in history. It averages five million viewers every week. Where are these people? Maybe it’s just that most of them are closet wrestling fans. Could also be that a large chunk can’t go outside by themselves yet. That said, a couple years ago, I ran into a guy around campus wearing a Jay Lethal Black Machismo t-shirt. Basically made my day.

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Broken Furniture size=6>

I’m willing to bet that nice wooden bed frames are far more expensive than stock WWE tables. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make them much more resistant to cracking after a diving elbow through a pillow. It’s a pretty awkward conversation when someone asks you why there’s a cooking pot holding up the left side of your bed frame…and why your pillows look so sickly. It’s what happens when you don’t have a trampoline, rope and a backyard.

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Wrestling Lingo size=6>

Do you find yourself using terms only wrestling fans would understand, in normal conversation? I know I have, and it usually doesn’t translate. Let’s take a Heat game I went to last month…

Me: Damn, that three by LeBron really popped the crowd, huh?
Friend: What? You’re saying it gave them a boner? What’s wrong with you?
Me: …nevermind.

Of course, there are many more examples. Even terms you think would translate, don’t. Gimmick infringement? Why don’t more people know what that means?

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PPV Schedule = Your Calendarsize=6>

At certain times, being a wrestling fan can make you look incredibly bright, but for completely different reasons. Usually happens like this:

Other Person: Hey Nick, do you happen to know what day of the week the 25th falls on?
Me: (In my head) Well, Over the Limit is this Sunday, the 22nd. That means the 25th would fall on a Wednesday. That would be a Wednesday, Other Person.
Other Person: Wow, thanks! You know your stuff!

Or something like that.

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Scripted, Not Fakesize=6>

We all have non-wrestling fan friends. They are typically friends who don’t understand why we watch this fake garbage. Naturally, this usually leads to us having to defend it as best we can. It’s not fake, it’s scripted! You think Edge’s broken neck was fake? You think Vince McMahon tearing both quads on one slide was fake? You think Angelina Love’s delicious breasts are fake? Well, you get the picture. You stand up for it, if necessary. However, there is one slight difference in wording that can have major ramifications: if you still insist that it’s a legitimately real sport, you’re making the rest of us look bad. Please stop.

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The Not-So-Superkicksize=6>

You have, at least once in your life, superkicked the air. I started in the mid-90s and had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I would wind up by stomping with my left, and perform the kick with my right. Wow, what a loser. Over the years, it evolved to the point where I slap my thigh now to make the clap sound. It’s pretty sweet, I’m not gonna lie. Really though, this one works with any move: Stunner, Chokeslam into a pool, inverted fireman’s carry takeover into a backbreaker- whatever makes you happy.

That’s what I came up with; I expect you guys to contribute a few more. I mean, I can’t be the only one this crazy.