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The 411 Wrestling Top 5 07.27.11: Week 134 – Un-Dream Matches

July 27, 2011 | Posted by Larry Csonka

Hello everyone and welcome to 411 Wrestling’s Top 5 List. What we are going to is take a topic each week and all the writers here on 411 wrestling will have the ability to give us their Top 5 on said topic, plus up to three honorable mentions. Most of our topics will be based on recent events in the Wrestling World, looking at those events that make us think of times past.

So, on to this week’s topic…

TOP UN-DREAM MATCHES!

Wes Kirk
Method of Choosing Un-Dream Matches: I decided to make any wrestler from the last four decades eligible, living or dead, in any of the major promotions. I threw in factors such as weaknesses, crowd interest, bad gimmicks, really bad workers, and came up with this!

5. Ted Arcidi vs. The Headbanger – The Headbanger was also known as Butcher LeDuc and he had one single match in the WWF as The Headbanger which consisted of him headbutting his opponent about thirty times and getting DQ’ed. Arcidi was around 300 lbs and didn’t even know a headbutt so this would basically be the worst undercard singles match period. The win, if you could call it that, would go to Arcidi when Headbanger forgets to stop headbutting and gets DQ’ed.

4. The Ding Dongs vs. The Yeti/Ultimate Solution vs. George “The Animal” Steele/Bill Kazmaier – The Ding Dongs were an old NWA team that came to the ring with a giant bell they kept ringing and ringing endlessly. Yeti was a slow moving abomination of a gimmick and the Ultimate Solution’s arms were so huge he could barely move. Bill Kazmaier was a powerlifter who moved at the speed of molasses freezing in January, and “The Animal” wandered around biting people and turnbuckles alike. Worst tag match in history.

3. Excellence Of Elocution Verbal Debate: Ahmed Johnson vs. Great Khali vs. Ultimate Warrior vs. Andre The Giant vs. Iron Sheik, moderated by Dusty Rhodes – This would be car-crash like in its development. First Ahmed would start jabbering in whatever language it is he speaks while Khali raises his arms and yells in Hindu that nobody can understand, Warrior would be saying something about the cosmic powers of Mars, Andre would sound like he was swallowing jawbreaker candy while speaking, and Sheik would go off on a Hogan tangent and tell Brian Blair he was going to be made humble the old country way. Dusty, of course, would interject with his 1990’s WCW PPV commentary and OH LAWD TOE KNEE, IT BREAKIN’ DOWN ON DA MOTHASHIP O’ DUBBA YA SEE DUBBA YA, EEF YA WEEL!

2. Ladder Match: Yokozuna vs. Loch Ness vs. Big Daddy V vs. Mark Henry – All four men would be in this match for quite a long time since none of them could actually climb a ladder and get the prize, which would be a year-long free food spree at Kentucky Fried Chicken. For the first time in his life Henry would be the lightest competitor at around 410 lbs whereas Yokozuna would be 670, Loch Ness close to 700, and V around 550. This would no doubt be the worst rated ladder match in history as nobody would be able to climb the ladder to win. Oh, but if I had to pick a winner it would be Henry since he’s the only one remotely able to climb.

1. IronPerson Match: Mae Young vs. Verne Gagne – Yes, as in Iron Man rules with both of them having to wrestle each other in their 80’s and 90’s right now. Without a doubt, even Heroes of Wrestling would rejoice that finally there is a PPV main event so horrible and so unwatchable they’d be off the hook forever. This would likely feature Young and Gagne exchanging a few slaps and alternately falling asleep and pooping themselves for sixty minutes straight. There would be no winner in this, not the fans and certainly nobody in the match. In fact this would cause a giant black hole vortex of suck that would swallow our universe as we know it.

Chad Nevett
Method of Choosing Un-Dream Matches: I decided to use the same approach here as I did for my Dream Matches: TNA Invasion story culmination at WrestleMania XXVIII. The goal here is to create matches that COULD happen, but would be bad. I’ll also try to avoid obvious clashes in style where the wrestlers are talented, but simply mismatched (so no Amazing Red vs. Great Khali alas…). And, like last time, John Cena vs. the Rock is still booked, so neither man is eligible.

5. Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole vs. Taz & Mike Tenay – Who will be the official voices of the WWE from this point forward? Any and all past problems or issues will be set aside from this epic contest of wrestling skill and determination! And it will go on for around 15 minutes too long!

4. Kane vs. Sting – I don’t think this match would be awful, but I also don’t think it would be that good. It makes the list also because of the disappointment involved. After so much speculation/desire for Undertaker/Sting, Kane taking his in-story brother’s place because the Undertaker can’t compete would be such a big letdown. The spectacle that would carry ‘Taker/Sting past any sloppy or less than great work would disappear, leaving a match that doesn’t work.

3. Ezekiel Jackson vs. Rob Terry – Make it a unification match of the Intercontinental and Television Championships and watch as two muscle-bound freaks try to out-flex one another in between basic, dull moves! But, hey, they’re both ripped, so they definitely deserve a spot on the biggest show of them all, right?

2. Santino & Kozlov vs. Beer Money, Inc. – The top tag team of the WWE meets the top tag team of TNA and… well, the entire IWC just threw up in their mouths a little bit. Again, not so much a match that would suck, it would just fail to live up to the high standards set by Beer Money in TNA. The image of Robert Roode getting pinned after taking a Cobra to the throat is just wrong.

1. Mixed Six-Person Tag Team Elimination Match – Vince McMahon, Triple H & Stephanie McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff & Dixie Carter – The big finale for control of the WWE or TNA or whatever this Invasion is fighting over! On one side, the Chairman and CEO of WWE, Vincent K. McMahon along with his daughter and son-in-law… on the other, the former own of TNA, Dixie Carter along with Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. A mixed six-person tag match where the last team standing wins it all. And considering the only person here that can actually work still is Triple H, this would be an absolute trainwreck. And, yet, I wouldn’t be surprised to see it booked should a TNA Invasion story happen…

Aaron Frame
Method of Choosing Un-Dream Matches: Just whatever stupid ideas that came to mind.

5. Edge vs. Rhino vs. Goldberg: Spear Challenge – First person to land their devastating spear wins the match.

4. Viscera vs. Rikishi: Pudding Wrestling – This has to be one of the worst images I could conjure. Though I think they’d rather stop and eat the pudding than wrestle.

3. Ultimate Warrior vs. Hulk Hogan: Truth on a Pole Match – Had to have a pole match in here. And what better than having two old timers fighting over what they say is truth. Winner is gets to be right.

2. Randy Orton vs. John Cena: Buried Match – Not a typo. It’s to see who can bury the other better.

1. Vince McMahon vs. Dixie Carter: Wrestling Trivia – Yeah, that would be a hoot to watch. Think either know their wrestling history?

Michael Bauer
Method of Choosing Un-Dream Matches: Pretty much, any stupid match I could come up with based on wrestling history. These are not in any real order, unlike my dream matches.

5. The Great Khali vs. Giant Gonzalez – Pretty much, two seven foot plus guys with no ability to move, talk, or do anything more than raise their arms and scream. At least Khali has been over at some points in his career.

4. Papa Shango vs. The Boogeyman – The Battle of not-so-Jedi Mind Tricks. The problem with this match is that I don’t think you could actually have a real match. Papa Shango tries his goofy shit and Boogeyman would probably enjoy it. But Papa Shango also wouldn’t mind the worms. Funny enough, I also wrote up the Un-Dream Match for this nearly four years ago. http://www.411wrestling.com/wrestling/columns/62636/The-Un-Dream-Match-11.03.07:-The-Boogeyman-vs.-Papa-Shango.htm

3. Owen Hart vs. Mr. Anderson – Confused? Well… Owen Hart has been involved in more freak accidents where he didn’t hurt than I could imagine. I mean, he nearly paralyzed two men, the second of which led to his unfortunate death with the Blue Blazer gimmick. The other gets hurt more often than Kevin Nash walking. This match would be about Anderson walking out of the match, alive.

2. Papa Shango, Kama Mustafa, and The Godfather vs. Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love vs. Kane, Fake Diesel, and Dr. Issac Yankem – Holy identity crisis Batman! I mean, try keeping track of this mess as to who is who when and where. I have a headache just thinking of it!

1. Hulk Hogan vs. John Cena – Ok, I lied, this is a given for my number one. Yes, I said it. Two guys that can sell a shit load of a beating and then come back like nothing ever happened. The problem is that if they both keep doing it, the match could never end and Wrestlemania would be over after next year’s began.

Ryan Byers
Method of Choosing Un-Dream Matches: My method might seem a little bit bland, but I like the results. Really I just tried to think of two different guys from different promotions or different eras who sucked but sucked for similar reasons. Then I “booked” them against each other. It’s really that simple.

5. Jackie Gayda vs. Asya – A lot of people complain about WWE taking barely trained models and putting them in the ring as professional wrestlers. Complaints about this phenomenon are typified by Jackie Gayda, who once had a performance so bad that, when you say “that Jackie Gayda match,” virtually every wrestling fan knows what you’re talking about. However, what some people forget is that, in its dying days, WCW had just as big a problem with putting untrained females into the ring. Perhaps the worst was Christie “Asya” Wolfe, who had an impressive physique but was so clumsy in the ring that it was embarrassing. You put these two in a match together, and absolutely no good would come of it.

4. Sid Vicious vs. Leatherface – Big, scary monsters have always been hanging around professional wrestling. The monster gimmick works, but it’s usually at its best when your monster can actually wrestle in order to back up his persona. Perhaps the worst in-ring monsters that had any longevity were Sid Vicious in WWF/WCW/ECW and Leatherface from a variety of Japanese and Canadian independent promotions. I can count the number of good matches I’ve seen Sid have on one hand, and, honestly, I’m still waiting to see my first good Leatherface match. Perhaps the most ironic thing about this pairing is that, generally speaking, Sid’s powerbombs were the only redeeming quality of his matches whereas Leatherface regularly busts out the ugliest damned powerbombs I’ve ever seen.

3. David Otunga vs. Erik Watts – Sometimes a wrestler’s push doesn’t match up with his talent at all. This leads to incredibly competent wrestlers being buried, but, more often, it leads to a wrestler who’s not ready for prime time getting quite the push. The two best examples I can think of when it comes to men who received pretty big pushes despite being damned near incompetent at what they do are Erik Watts (the original, not the kid from Tough Enough) and David Otunga (who, for no discernible reason, was picked by WWE to be the breakout star of NXT 1). These two were shoved down my throat so far that I wanted to vomit, and I would rather give up wrestling forever than see them in the same ring at the same time.

2. The Sandman vs. Kerry Von Erich (on a bad night) – If there’s one thing that take a sometimes competent wrestler and turn him into an absolute bomb, it’s, ahem, “imbibing” before going into the ring. If you listen to shoot interviews, both of these men did a little bit of that from time to time, and a match between them after having done so would have the opportunity to be a car wreck of epic proportions. The only question is whether they’d actually make it out to the ring or whether they’d be too busy doing shots with one another to realize that their entrance music had started playing.

1. The Bushwackers vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov – This is the battle of former ass kickers turned into goofballs. The Bushwackers, when wrestling under their former name of the Sheepherders, were one of the hardest core, most violent tag teams of their era. When they wrestled, you knew blood and guts were getting spilled everywhere. Santino Marella is a judo practitioner who could brutally beat up 99% of the people reading this without breaking a sweat, and you could say the same regarding Kozlov and his sambo background. It almost pains me to see them repackaged into kiddie-friendly undercard comedy fodder, and having both of those acts in the same ring at the same time might just cause me to shed a single tear, roadside anti-pollution Native American style.

YOUR TURN KNOW IT ALLS
List your Top Five for this week’s topic on the comment section using the following format:

5. CHOICE: Explanation
4. CHOICE: Explanation
3. CHOICE: Explanation
2. CHOICE: Explanation
1. CHOICE: Explanation

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