wrestling / Columns
411 Fact or Fiction 08.25.11: Mark Henry Splits Wigs, Impact Fires Matt & Brings Back Jeff, More
Hi, hello & welcome to the Wrestling Edition of 411 Fact or Fiction! I’m Steve Cook, and it’s been a huge week in the world of pro wrestling. TNA has fired one Hardy Boy and plans on bringing back another. Mark Henry is splitting wigs on SmackDown & there’s conspiracy afoot on Raw. But who’s sitting around the conspiracy table conspiring? I don’t know, but I do know that we have another three-way dance going this week. I needed a replacement and two people stepped up to the plate. That’s 411 for you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way…
Before we start, big ups to Trent “The Penguin” Howell for scoring the victory last week. T-Berg brought a hell of a fight to him, but I think Penguin’s positive outlook carried the day. Celebrate Penguin’s victory by checking out our OffTheTeam.com Fantasy Football Podcast! New episodes will appear every Thursday during football season…hey, doesn’t this column get posted on Thursday too? There you go, your entire morning of entertainment is taken care of!
And now, our participants. Our first man is a veteran of the late 411 Sports Zone and handles the 3 Rs over in the Movies/TV Zone…say hello to Porifirio Diaz! He’ll try to tell you he owns me in fantasy football, but don’t believe him.
Introducing your Ask 411 Wrestling & Ask 411 Games columnist, and a man I’d have second thoughts about challenging to a fight (even though I was challenging all sorts of people to fights on the Greg DeMarco Show this week, but that‘s another story for another time)…Mathew Sforcina!
And your NXT recapper, Wrestling 3 Rs contributor & a man who‘s never turned down a three-way, Tony Acero! Tony has recently seen the light and become a Facebook friend of Terra “The Buggy Squisher” Calaway, and if Tony can do it surely you can too.
1. Mark Henry will be the next World Champion.
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. FACT. As an extension to the statement, I want Mark Henry to be the next World Champion. He’s ready. He’s more ready now than when he was “Sexual Chocolate”, more ready than when he felt he was held down by whitey during his Thuggin’ and Buggin’ days, and more ready than when he hilariously main evented Royal Rumble 2006. When you see Mark Henry, you don’t think “hey isn’t he the guy who once felt up a transvestite?” No, you see Mark Henry and think “oh sh*t there’s a chance he might annihilate that poor gentlemen, tear off his leg, and mount it on the wall like a damn Fathead.” For a person of his size and strength, he’s doing exactly what should have been done from the outset: pick-n-smash those weaker than him, and “corner slingshot splash w/ chair” those who appear to be at his level but are really not. He’s the Clubber Lang of Smackdown, and should continue to be handled as such. So the sooner he railroads Randy Orton for the belt, the better.
Mathew Sforcina: FACT. Damn damn damn damn damn damn… No, wait, that’s not fair. He’s gotten a very good push, he’s been well established, and is as over as any other option, and makes sense. But still… MARK HENRY, WORLD CHAMPION! ECW Champ I could handle, this…
Tony Acero: FICTION. Henry is a monster, a beast, a thoroughbred of ass kickery! But if they won’t give Christian a reign with the title for over 3 months they are not going to give Henry one any time soon, particularly against Orton. Henry’s place is as a monster heel and he doesn’t need the belt for that. He’s just another odd that Orton must overcome….I’m excited about the match(es) though!
Score: 0 for 1
2. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne will revitalize WWE’s Tag Team Division.
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. Kingston & Bourne’s championship victory is a fresh of breath air to a hum-ho division that once had John Cena and The Miz as tag team champions for 3.8 seconds. They’re young, they’re exciting, they’re… young and exciting. And the fans seem to have some sort of relationship with them. So why wouldn’t you want to put focus on a formal new team who can rejuvenate a revamped tag team division? More importantly, it’s a team you can look up on house show cards and plop down money to go watch. “Holy smokes! Bourneston is coming to town? Hot dog, let’s go!” And it gets better. With the rumors of Triple H hitting the refresh button on WWE’s tag team division looking to be true, there’s a chance we could see the following on future PPVs: Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs. Kings of Wrestling/The Young Bucks/Briscoe Brothers/Beer Money/The American Wolves/every other tag team in existence. In fact, just sign all the tag teams – even teams like Deuce ‘N Domino if they’re still around (just because) and it wouldn’t hurt to put Curt Hawkins back together with Zack Ryder – but only if they’re serious about it. If all goes according to plan, the WWE will have the most promising and electrifying tag team division since the days of the Smackdown Six, and that is something I want to be there for.
Mathew Sforcina: FICTION. One team cannot revitalize a division, regardless of how hot they are. It’ll depend on Team Miz-Jimmy as well. If those two have a series of great, hot matches (or some other heel team, if WWE has any) while WWE builds up some challengers, then that might work. But just having the belts on two hot flippy guys means nothing.
Tony Acero: FICTION. Highly unlikely, unfortunately and I wish I felt differently. The tag titles have meant nothing long since before they turned them into copper headed atrocities and I don’t think Kofi or Bourne are going to change it. I am happy Otungacutty no longer has them and hopefully they’re sent back down for some seasoning.
Score: 0 for 2
3. Johnny Ace is the mastermind behind the plot against CM Punk.
Porfirio Diaz: FICTION. Honestly I have no idea. This is the sort of question best left in the back seat of the car as you anticipate what the open road would bring. But questions need answers. Plus I think Johnny Ace fits too much in the “Waylon Smithers” authority figure mold to be the mastermind. He’s happy being “Just Joe 2.0”. At least we know the answer is not Stephanie McMahon since Punk accused her of text sending. The unwritten rule in the world of wrestling states: if you are accused, you’re not it. So the choices remaining are: Johnny Ace, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels, Steve Blackman, Rikishi, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. And wouldn’t it be just like Vince McMahon to name himself as the culprit? It’s entirely possible he could be pulling the strings backstage – complete with monk robe for such occasions – just so he could make everyone unhappy. Then again, Triple H is a well-known liar (evokes memories of DX reunion-psyche-Pedigree and The Great HBK Car Window Smash Mystery) and he could very well be lying again. Conclusion: it’s going to come down to Triple H or Vince McMahon. I don’t care which one is it or if I’m wrong as long as the end result is CM Punk embedding a couple of thrust kicks to Big Sexy’s face.
Mathew Sforcina: FICTION. Nah, it’s Steph. Why have a sub when a McMahon can be involved? Everyone loves McMahons, right? Right?
Tony Acero: FICTION. I truly don’t know who is behind it and Ace isn’t too far of a stretch. He’s McMahon’s butt buddy and yes man so it makes sense. I say fiction simply because I don’t believe it to be true…yet. I’m still on the fence between him and Steph.
Score: 1 for 3
SWITCH!
4. The alliance between Miz & R-Truth will do a lot for their characters.
Tony Acero: FACT. Sure, why not. They are both great with their characters and it seems like Truth has forced Miz to drink the kool aid. Right now we are wondering what they can do if they are not in the title picture and here is your answer. I look forward to the interactions between the two and of anything, we’ve got some good foils for the tag team champs.
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. You mean it hasn’t happened already? You have The Miz, playing the role of Reese Witherspoon’s character in Election (the annoying and jealous bitchy type who can get even bitchier), and R-Truth, wacky acquaintance who talks in riddles and who apparently has his own clothing line of airbrushed “Lil’ Jimmy PROOF” vests. Separately, they were two flounders flopping around in waste. Thanks to their pact, both are currently two of the best personalities on Raw. Three things “Awesome Truth” should continue to do from this point forward: tag assault some poor schmo before matches (otherwise known as “2 on 1 Ambush” in Extreme Warfare Revenge), not be afraid to intensely speak out against fans about their lack of respect (WHAT WHAT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCHA DUCKS), and share their conspiracy stories with the rest of the class (“they sit around the conspiracy table and they conspire“). Then I want them to participation in a “Best of 13” series with Kofi & Bourne to continue rebuilding that tag team division we talked about earlier.
Mathew Sforcina: FACT. Little Jimmy can keep saying what, but these guys are awesome.
Score: 2 for 4
5. Rey Mysterio will return to in-ring action by WrestleMania.
Tony Acero: FACT. Knowing Mysterio the way we all do, he’ll come back well before mania and way before he should. I can’t and won’t complain though because, dammit, he’s exciting! I wish him the best and a speedy recovery but I can almost assuredly say we will see him before Mania.
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. Rey Mysterio has done about as much as a five-foot-six luchador could do. He has wrestled in many different places, in many different styles, and has held many different gold plated belts but none hold as much importance as the title of “Best Overall Performer 1989-present”… well maybe his three (THREE!) WWE world title wins account for something. Mysterio is at the tail end of his career. A long extended break from knee-crushing action until Wrestlemania would be best for all parties: he can heal up for a big Wrestlemania paycheck and WWE can promote the event as “The Return of Rey Mysterio” to which he’ll beat an unretired JBL in less than 17 seconds.
Mathew Sforcina: FACT, if we include WM in that. He’ll have his first match back at WM, probably partnering with Sin Cara against a couple of big guys to pass the torch. I think they’ll hold off to WM, even if he’s good to go by EC or something.
Score: 3 for 5
6. You’re looking forward to a Sting vs. Ric Flair match.
Tony Acero: FICTION. Nope…..ok, Cook wants more. Im not one of those guys who think these two are “too old” (especially considering I have a soft spot for Taker) because if they can still go then so be it. The issue I have is with Flair. Disagree with me of you must but he is. Definite shell of his former self and most often resorts to blood as opposed to the good storytelling he was once known for. Sting is no slouch but needs a good opponent and I just don’t think Flair is it. Pay no nevermind to the idiotic storylines going on in that company, I’m talking about the in ring product these two would supply and no I am not looking forward to it.
Porfirio Diaz: FICTION. This would be FACT if was 1988, 1995, or even 2000. But it’s not and I don’t have the flux capacitor to make it happen. It’s been 23 years since their very first encounter and TNA ultimately decided “Sting vs. Flair” would be a thrilling match in the year 2011? I love both guys but it’s over. Just walk away, you can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
Mathew Sforcina: FACT. It’s been a while since I watched a match and just ragged on it MST3K style. See, Sting has somehow managed a startling transformation into Joker Sting, and I actually… Like it, oddly enough. But the thing is, even if you remove Flair’s age, I don’t think Flair could have a good match with this Sting. It’s not the same guy. Add in Flair being older than God, and that does not make for a good match.
Score: 3 for 6
SWITCH!
7. Eric Young vs. Scott Baio will be compelling television.
Mathew Sforcina: FICTION. Baio cannot be used in the same sentence as ‘compelling television’ unless it’s discussing opposites.
Tony Acero: FICTION. I’m thinking Cook is laughing while he asks these….I think Young has some good comedic timing and does the best with what he’s given but this has no redeeming qualities, I think. This isn’t a jump at more ratings or even a hope for entertainment. Hell, in sure Baio somehow knows someone in TNA and during one drunken night they thought “ya know what would be HIGH-larious…”
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. I’m a simple man with simple tastes. Well that and I’ll watch pretty much anything if it’ll benefit the Movies/TV 3R’s column. On that note: Outrageous Kid Parties is terrible. So I will admit: Eric Young, his Brian Wilson-ish beard, his quest to defend the TV title against former TV stars, and effin’ Chachi from Happy Days does make for compelling television. The whole “Eric Young Goes to Hollywood” tour absolutely reeks of “Mr. Jericho Goes to Washington” theatrics and I am a fan of these outside-the-box antics. Yeah, the whole “OH NOES HE’S TREATING THE TITLE AS A JOKE DAVID ARQUETTE FIASCO ALL OVER AGAIN” looms over like the terrifying moon from Majora’s Mask but as someone who doesn’t care much about TNA, this was a pleasant surprise to investigate into. Maybe I’ll even tune into Impact Wrestling to watch the drama unfold… ehhh or I’ll just watch the rest on YouTube.
Score: 3 for 7…and yes, I was laughing when I came up with that question.
8. Matt Hardy will compete in WWE or Impact Wrestling again.
Mathew Sforcina: FICTION. I do hope the guy has two lifetimes of cash, because unless he gets a last second HBK style (or maybe HBK led…) spiritual awakening and/or finds God and/or finds some fucking common sense, he’s done. Not just from the big leagues, from life…
Tony Acero: FACT. I wouldn’t mind never hearing or seeing him ever again and unfortunately there are reports of him hitting the ER. If he survives, however, it’s only a matter of time before he ends up back. My bets are on TNA by the way as the only way WWE would being him back is if he came with Jeff and that’s assuming they even want Jeff anymore
Porfirio Diaz: FACT. I always thought Matt Hardy was the more well-balanced person of the two brothers. By default, sure, but well-balanced of the two nevertheless. But somewhere down the line Matt turned into wrestling’s version of Charlie Sheen. After DUI’ing his 2009 Corvette into a tree and later explaining how he was “reborn with some sort of an ABSOLUTE PURE LIFE-FORCE”, Matt “Angel Blood” Hardy was released from TNA on the same day. Simply put, Matt Hardy needs help. Before he can even think about stepping back in a wrestling ring, I wish Matt could take a step back and figure out how he can get his act together before Twitter becomes his crazy house (too late?). The last thing the wrestling world needs is another chalk mark under “Deaths Under 40”. As for the question, wrestlers have come back under grimmer circumstances. It’s more about “do you still have it?” as oppose to “you did what now?” Plus there’s that “never say never” phrase that was once a great song from An American Tail but later ruined by Justin Bieber. Give Matt Hardy a few months to get himself cleaned off (if he chooses to) and the big leagues (probably more so TNA than WWE) will eventually call him for a roster spot. But it’s still sad to see what the Hardys have become and I wish them the best of luck on their road to recovery.
Score: 3 for 8
9. You support Impact Wrestling’s decision to bring back Jeff Hardy.
Mathew Sforcina: FACT… Sorta. I can sorta see IW’s viewpoint, but the dude still has legal issues. I’d wait until those were totally cleared up before I’d even consider bringing him back. But this FACT assumes he’s shown Impact that he’s changed. If they’ve just brought him back without any such assurances, then it’s FICTION all the way. I’ll give IW the benefit of the doubt here. I’m sure the comments section will disagree.
Tony Acero: FICTION. I think I get why they are bringing him back but I don’t support it. The Hardyz are destroying themselves from within and it appears that TNA is only enabling them to do so. They really gotta outweigh the bad with the good and realize that as much as they think he is good for business….he just isn’t.
Porfirio Diaz: FICTION. This is one of those questions I wish wasn’t as simple as typing in “FACT or “FICTION”. “Jeff Hardy back on Impact” is too open-ended for a modest straight up answer. Is Jeff Hardy clean? Has his life changed? Has he truly understood the ramifications of his actions? But ultimately I had to choose FICTION. Not because of Jeff’s possible newfound change in life. For all we know, he may have kicked the habit, and if that’s the case, hurray for everyone. But I cannot support Impact’s decision to bring back Jeff based on their recent decision to fire Matt Hardy. Too soon. TNA sent the message to everyone: irresponsible behavior will not be tolerated. Then they turn around and announce Jeff Hardy’s return to Impact – the same Jeff Hardy who was ruled “PUP” (Physically Unable to Perform) and sabotaged the main event of Victory Road. Derp! I would have preferred Jeff’s return to be held off for a month or so as to not share the limelight with the recent rumblings of his brother Matt. Oh well.
Final Score: 3 for 9
It’s always tough to get agreement from all three people on these things, as there’s always somebody who has to be different. That’s all right though, I’d like to thank all three gentlemen for their answers, and you the readers are encouraged to pick a winner in the comment section! For Porfirio, Mathew & Tony, this is Steve Cook saying join us next week for more Wrestling Fact or Fiction!
