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411’s Instant Analysis 09.26.11: Monday Night Raw

September 26, 2011 | Posted by Sat

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Monday Night Raw. I’m your humble reviewer, Chad Nevett and it’s the go home show for Hell in a Cell. Yes, already. Because nothing makes the Hell in a Cell gimmick matter more than two weeks of build for feuds that aren’t at Hell in a Cell level hate yet… Ah well. Let’s get to it…

SEGMENT ONE: We Love Faces and Hate Heels

Wow, where do you begin? Triple H introduces the idea of holding people accountable for their non-wrestling actions… except when heels point out how faces did unacceptable things outside of the ring? Now, Triple H alluded to the difference being that the Miz, R-Truth, and Mark Henry attacked non-wrestlers (though, Jerry Lawler doesn’t really count…), but Dolph Ziggler and Cody Rhodes had valid arguments. Christian was just a whining heel and I dug that. This segment just seemed to exist to book matches and give Triple H a bit of a pop because he’s not putting up with the heels. I loved the idea of people pointing out some logical inconsistencies with the way the WWE books things and didn’t like how this basically gave the finger to anyone who has a problem those inconsistencies. It came off as the promo equivalent of Triple H burying three guys.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: 10-Man Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Championship
Match Result: Cody Rhodes threw Sheamus over the top rope to win
Match Length: Four and a half minutes

Wow, this was a dumb idea. Goofy as fuck and not terribly well executed. I do like that Rhodes retained the title, and the Sin Cara stuff was okay. Otherwise, this did little for me and featured an ugly botch or two, like Sheamus’s Brogue Kick into the ropes at the end where he just wouldn’t go over the top rope. Thankfully, the match was short and Rhodes retained.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: Anal Bleeding and Harvard Law

Michael Cole: “[Lawler] is also suffering from anal bleeding.” Booker T: “What?” Jim Ross: *shakes his head in disgust* Okay, that little bit was hilarious.

David Otunga needs to become the IRS of 2011 with his new gimmick of S. Quire, Attorney at Law. For this gimmick, he would wrestle with the bowtie on, of course. Note to WWE: no one care that Otunga went to Harvard. Does that make him a better wrestler or better on mic? No. THEN I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. IT IS IRRELEVANT.

Rating: 2.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya
Match Result: Beth Phoenix pinned Kelly Kelly
Match Length: A bit over three minutes

Again? Of course, the heels got the win back, because, otherwise, where’s the drama? The conflict? The story? Gone. That’s where. This match had a couple of notable parts: Kelly Kelly slapping Beth Phoenix on the ass and Eve flying over everyone accomplishing nothing. All they need to do is announce a Hell in a Match title match… that takes place IN a Hell in a Cell cage. It would be the shortest HiaC match ever. And could end with Beth Phoenix new champion and Michael Cole saying, on what’s left of Kelly Kelly, “She ain’t pretty no more.” Book it, Vince!

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: ~~Mark Henry vs. the Great Khali~~ The Great Khali’s Wig? Split

Mark Henry killed the Great Khali. And everyone loved this. Good stuff.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: John Cena vs. Christian
Match Result: John Cena won via DQ
Match Length: Three minutes

John Cena’s little Hell in a Cell promo was pretty awful. His tone was that faux serious one he uses from time to time that just sounds forced and fake. And it just kept going on and on and on and on.

As for the match… it kind of happened, right? A Cena/Christian match had promise and they began well with lots of action and both men going for the win until they went to the outside. There, Del Rio took advantage of the chaos to leap across three men to hit CM Punk and, then, attack Cena in the ring, barely hitting both men. It was the least effective attacks I’ve ever seen. What the fuck was the point of that besides figuring out how many times it’s possible to fit the word ‘hell’ into a sentence?

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: United States Championship Match – Dolph Ziggler (C) vs. Zack Ryder
Match Result: Dolph Ziggler pinned Zack Ryder
Match Length: Two minutes

Well, that was short. I don’t mind Ryder losing (being the one guy online writing for this site that isn’t a fan of his — I’m pretty neutral towards him), but a little longer of a match would have been good, especially with the booking of the six-man tag immediately after. How about actually treating the US Title like it matters? I did like Swagger helping Ziggler get the win — finally, Ziggler can see the positive side of being in a heel faction! Kingston and Bourne coming out to help Ryder made no sense beyond that generic face/heel rift.

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: Air Boom & Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & (eventually and briefly) Mason Ryan
Match Result: Zack Ryder pinned Dolph Ziggler
Match Length: Six and a half minutes

Wow, Mason Ryan is a jerk. He agrees to be Swagger and Ziggler’s tag partner only to attack them right away? What a douchebag. This was an entertaining match. I would have rather seen an eight and a half minute US Title match, though. This was an example of wanting to have one’s cake and eat it too. They didn’t want Ziggler to drop the belt, but they wanted to have a big fan-pleasing moment with Ryder pinning Ziggler. Well, either shit or get off the pot. You can’t have it both ways and actually deliver quality. Perfect example tonight.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT NINE: Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk
Match Result: CM Punk pinned Alberto Del Rio
Match Length: Just under twelve and a half minutes (with commercials)

Ryan Byers summed up the locker room heel strategy session on Twitter: “If Otunga was a decent lawyer he’d know he’s blowing the attorney-client privilege by having a meeting with a TV camera in the room.”

Great match. Del Rio kept working the left arm and hit a few really cool moves in that effort. Punk’s various comebacks were well executed and he sold Del Rio’s attacks. Cena on commentary was okay, but the way they kept emphasizing Del Rio’s strategy was excellent. Exactly what you want from a commentary team. The finish was very abrupt and I like it when that happens from time to time. The idea that, sometimes, guys hit a move or a combination of moves that finishes the match surprisingly is what you need. The post-match stuff was fine. I don’t care why the Cell was lowered. I did find it odd that the two faces were picking on Ricardo Rodriguez when he hadn’t really done anything tonight. Del Rio standing tall over the two faces is a smart way to finish heading into the PPV.

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

FINAL THOUGHTS

Segment of the Night: Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk

Trash Segment of the Night: United States Championship Match

Final Analysis: Wow, that was a dud of a show. Very little seemed to work at all with short matches that didn’t click, a stronger than usual push for the face/heel dynamic where everything a face does is good and everything a heel does is bad even when there’s no actual difference in their actions, and a fairly stupid story about David Otunga leading the heels in the locker room in a lawsuit against Triple H. Throw in some bad promo work and only two bright spots (Mark Henry killing Khali and the main event) and it was just a weak show. The downward slide of Raw continues…

Verdict: 4.5

411 RATINGS SCALE:
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9: Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect