Into the Indies 10.11.11: FU*CK

Posted by Ryan Byers on 10.11.2011

No, I'm not being obscene. FU*CK is the name of the company . . . a company that features shampoo attacks, ventriloquists, shooting angles, and much more. All the wacky details on this promotion await you if you click through!



Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Into the Indies, the column that is a fan of the fleeting expletive.

This week, we're taking a look at a promotion that I've heard of for several years now but have never quite had an opportunity to watch. Perhaps the one thing that stands out about it more than anything else is its name: Fighting Ultimate Crazy Kings. Yes, those of you who love your acronyms have already figured out that the name abbreviates to FU*CK. (Well, really, it abbreviates to F.U.C.K., but I guess the company likes the aesthetics of that asterisk, even if it's not covering up any of the letters of the naughty word.)

If you get out on the internet, you're not going to find a ton of information about FU*CK. Why? Because it's tiny. Don't get me wrong, I've reviewed shows from some small independent groups before. Osaka Pro runs weekday shows in front of fifty-some fans, but at least they bump it up to a few hundred on the weekends and can draw a couple thousand for their major quarterly shows. FU*CK would consider O-Pro's minimum of fifty to be a godsend of a large audience, and, while Osaka has its big events aired consistently on a satellite television network, FU*CK is lucky to get a ten or so minute slot on "Occupation of the Indies," a late night magazine show on Japan's Samurai Television that highlights any number of indy groups on a given episode. Frankly, I'm completely baffled about how FU*CK's business model keeps them alive, aside from the fact that I hear they don't do too badly with DVD sales of their shows. I can only imagine that it's a vanity group that somebody, somewhere is taking a huge bath on.

However, if somebody's taking a huge bath, they've been able to sustain it for a long time. The best records that I can find indicate that FU*CK has been active almost continuously since 2000, originally operated by indy deathmatch wrestler Kenji Fukimoto before being sold off by him and taken over by other members of the company's roster. Under Fukimoto's regime, the group had a decided deathmatch bent to it, with the most prolific guest stars being guys like the Necro Butcher and Mad Man Pondo (who spent quite some time as the group's top titleholder, defending the belt in the United States). From what I've heard in recent years, though, FU*CK has strayed from its hardcore roots and become more of a company that will throw on whatever it can in order to fill up a couple of hours . . . though it still manages to occasionally bring in recognized wrestling stars who would seem to be well out of its league, including the likes of Kota Ibushi.

So, let's head in to my first time viewing FU*CK. (Insert your own basement-dwelling virgin joke here.) We'll see if the tiny group has some indescribable charm that makes me a fan. They're already off to a good start, because how can you not have some love for a company with a logo that looks like this one?



Before I go too far into the play-by-play on the event itself, I have to make reference to the setup for this show. Now, I've done this column for a little while now, and I've reviewed matches from some pretty small independent groups. However, this show BY FAR takes the cake for the most indy of indy looking shows that I have ever seen. It appears to be occurring in a gymnasium in the basement of a YMCA somewhere, with everything painted canary yellow and with literally less than twenty "fans" in attendance. To top it all off, the wrestlers make their entrances by walking down a stairwell and down into the basement, with the stairwell being right next to the bathrooms, so they get plenty of screen time during the card.



If you thought that it couldn't look any more unprofessional than that, I've got one more thing to lay on you. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you our ring announcer for the evening, Guy in a Hoodie who Looks Like He Just Rolled Out of Bed.



Match Numero Uno: Ultraman Robin & HARU vs. Hiroaki Moriya & ??? in the Unbelievable Tag Team Tournament

The big draw on this show is FU*CK's annual "Unbelievable Tag Team Tournament," which this year features four teams going up against one another in single elimination action. Team number one is Ultraman Robin and HARU. Robin is a long-time (as in twenty year), low-level independent wrestler who stole his gimmick from the popular Ultraman television series. His partner, HARU, is a female wrestler who from time-to-time will pop up on a card from a larger joshi group like Pro Wrestling WAVE but is for the most part confined to shows on the level of FU*CK. The only named member of the team opposing them is Hiroaki Moriya, who I don't know a lot about aside from the fact that he popped up the only other time we've had FU*CK mentioned in this column.

HARU and Robin make their entrance first, followed by Moriya. He is originally accompanied by an older looking gentleman in a suit, who is repeatedly chanting what I believe is "ichi ni," in other words the Japanese equivalent of counting to two over and over again. I'm not sure who this man is or what his relationship to Moriya is, but, before any of that can be established, a shadowy figure appears in front of one of the windows lining the top of the basement, and . . .



. . . the crazy old man is shot. He goes down in a heap and is carried out by a ring boy. The shooter is revealed to be a guy in a black hat and trench coat, toting a toy gun. He eventually comes down the stairs and takes the spot as Moriya's tag team partner.

HARU and Moriya start, with the woman running straight into a big boot and getting bodyslammed for a two count. Moriya goes to a chinlock, though it's not long before HARU gets the ropes. Moriya looks for a tag to his mysterious partner, but it doesn't happen, as I believe the partner threatened to shoot him if he tagged out. Ultraman Robin checks in and takes advantage of the confusion by putting Moriya in a leg lock, though an escape is made when Moriya acts like he's going after Robin's mask. Another tag is attempted by Moriya, but he gets the same reaction from his partner. HARU and Robin now team up to take Moriya down with a double chop, after which HARU remains in the ring and gives her man a basement dropkick for a two count. A really obnoxious jump cut takes us forward in the match, with HARU hitting another dropkick, a senton, and a splash for two. She then snap mares Moriya over and puts him a double chicken wing, but Moriya's partner "shoots" her from the apron to break up the hold. No, seriously. Despite being shot, she stays on the offensive, double teaming Moriya for a bit with UMR before coming off the top rope and CRUSHING the poor guy with a senton. Seriously, he took all of her weight. After that, Robin goes for an Oklahoma roll. Either the move was completely screwed up or Moriya was trying to block it in kayfabe terms, I really can't tell. Whether she's doing it for real or not, HARU "saves" the move by dog piling on, and that's enough to allow the HARU/UMR team to get a three count on Moriya.

Match Numero Dos: Apple Miyuki & J-MAX vs. Dragon Soldier LAW & Magnitude Kishiwada in the Unbelievable Tag Team Tournament

And here's our second first round match in the tag team tournament. This one has a couple of bigger names than the first match. Miyuki debuted in 2001 as a handful of female trainee of TAKA Michinoku's Kaientai Dojo group, and she remained there until 2008 when she struck out on her own to work on the mainstream joshi scene instead of being full-time with the predominantly male K-Dojo. Magnitude Kishiwada is the probably the biggest name on this entire show, as he was active in groups like Big Japan and FMW in the 1990's and has since had major runs in Osaka Pro and Dragon Gate. Their respective partners are low level guys of little repute, though I will say that Dragon Soldier LAW looks like Magnitude's out of shape cousin.

During the entrances for this match, the sound guy screws up with some of the music. Do they edit it out? No. Do they move on like nothing happened? No. What do they do? Call the most attention to it possible by getting a tight shot of the sound guy trying to fix his mistake!



Miyuki and Kishiwada are up first, and the young lady takes an uncomfortably hard bump on the back of her head when Magnitude shoves her down off of an opening lockup. The male wrestler dominates when both try shoulderblocks, after which he starts bealing Apple around by her hair. A corner splash on the female connects, and she rolls out of the ring with J-MAX replacing her. Dragon Solider runs in for his team at this point, and he hits some big forearms on J before taking him down and putting him in a chinlock. MAX eventually elbows his way out of it and hits his version of the Crush Rush before throwing DSB out of the ring. The Soldier gets Irish whipped through a row of empty chairs (plenty of those around), and J-MAX connects with a chair shot to his knee. DSL no-sells it and sends J-MAX into the wall before hitting him with the closest convenient weapon . . . a dust mop.



J-MAX also finds himself sent into the ring post and choked with a chair. We clip ahead a bit and I don't know exactly how it happened, but Apple Miyuki is laying on a row of folding chairs. Apparently Kishiwada caused it because, seconds later, he hits her with a chair shot and chops her across the chest. The intergender pair of wrestlers returns to the ring, where Magnitude boots away at Miyuki and chokes her in the corner. Dragon Soldier LAW tags in and drops an elbow, but it's not long before Kishiwada comes back for a scoop slam and a LIONTAMER~! Miyuki is screaming her head off the whole time. J-MAX tries to save but he is cut off by DSL, who stays in the ring. The Soldier runs his forearm across Apple's forehead and gives her back to Kishiwada, who unleashes more boots in the corner and connects with a senton. Now Miyuki finds herself in a surfboard hold, out of which J-MAX makes the save again. Again it's not effective, as the Dragon Solider gets ahold of the girl. We don't exactly know what happens next, because my screen freezes up for several seconds, and I do NOT think that it was a problem on my end. It seemed like the video that FU*CK sent into the television station had some sort of error on it.

Anyway, when things unjam, Magnitude Kishiwada gives a butterfly suplex to Miyuki for a two count. He tries to follow it up with a Last Ride powerbomb (one of his finishers), but Apple turns it into a sunset flip for two. Magnitude wipes her out with a lariat, but J-MAX breaks up the ensuing pin attempt. In what is actually a pretty wild scene, the wrestlers all collide in such a way that DSL and J-MAX go flying out of the ring and into the front row, with J-MAX getting his arm tangled up in a folding chair in a manner most uncomfortable. Back on the inside of the ring, Magnitude lays out Apple Miyuki one more time with a brainbuster and a superfly splash, earning himself the pinfall victory. I'm actually glad this match is over, because Kishiwada was beating on poor little Apple Miyuki so hard that I felt like I was watching a snuff film. It really got uncomfortable towards the end.

Speaking of Miyuki being destroyed during the match, you would think that the post-match footage of her team would consist of her receiving medical treatment or, at the very least, her tag team partner standing over her concerned. Instead, J-MAX cuts a promo for the camera crew, allowing Miyuki to languish in the background.



Then, as soon as he's done cutting his promo, he just walks off and leaves Apple alone with nothing but a random piece of luggage to help heal her wounds.



It would be one thing if all of the above was booked to be part of some sort of heel turn for J-MAX or if he were some sort of hapless, idiotic babyface character, but that's not what I got from the tone of the segments. Instead, J-MAX just came off as the most oblivious douche on the face of the planet.

So far on the show we've had shootings, women wrestling men, unusual venues, announcers in hoodies, and much more. However, this is the point when things really start to get weird, as this guy shows up:



Yes, it's a VENTRILOQUIST. And, no, it doesn't appear to be a wrestler doing a ventriloquist gimmick. It just appears to be a ventriloquist. The man and his dummy case make their way out to the ring, with the entire FU*CK locker room clearing out and apparently providing "security" for him, acting as though this man will be mauled by the twenty-five fans in attendance if they don't do something. For some reason, they show his entrance four different times from four different camera angles. When that's over, the ventriloquist gets into the ring and starts doing his act. Apparently the cameramen initially don't realize that they can get up on to the apron to shoot him, because the first several minutes come to us from this angle:



This goes on for a while, and they cut back and forth between what is going on live in the ring and footage of a prerecorded backstage interview with the ventriloquist, during which his dummy showcases training that he's done by chopping apart carrots and daikon radishes. When they cut back to the ring, the dummy is "chopping" wrestlers and they are all taking bumps off of it. Eventually, some interlopers appear, namely a gentleman who appears to be dressed in such a way to mock the ventriloquist and a pregnant woman dressed as a frog - let me repeat that - A PREGNANT WOMAN DRESSED AS A FROG who is out to serve as his "dummy."



What I'm assuming are insults are traded back and forth between the two camps, and eventually it turns into a chop war between the dummy and the pregnant lady.



I don't know how this is determined, but eventually the dummy is declared the winner. Post-match promos are cut, and we are finally all free to move on with our lives.

You know, over the years, I have reviewed a lot of bad stuff for this site. I've reviewed the Herb Abrams UWF. I've reviewed GLOW. I've reviewed Wrestlicious. I've reviewed Half-Pint Brawlers. Hell, I've even reviewed TNA. However, in all of my years reviewing that stuff, this is the first time that I felt like Larry Csonka owed me a paycheck. Jesus, this was hard to get through.

After some editing, a man with a yellow lucha mask and a man without a yellow lucha mask have a conversation in the ring. They don't appear to be cutting wrestling promos on one another, and they don't even appear to be doing comedy (or, if they are, nobody's laughing). No, they just have a congenial conversation about god knows what for five minutes. Then the man without the yellow lucha mask grabs and acoustic guitar and a harmonica and performs a song in the middle of the ring. Unusual for a wrestling show, but he wasn't bad a musician and virtually anything would be easy to watch after the vent segment.



Just for good measure, he does a second song. Moving right along . . .


Match Numero Tres: Team Japan 2000 vs. Team JWA Tokai

Okay, this match review is going to be a little bit different. It's a six man tag, but the match listing that I was given does not identify any of the six competitors, only noting that one is a group of guys from a promotion called "Japan 2000" and one is a group of guys from a promotion called "JWA Toaki." Not having names to go with makes play-by-play virtually impossible, so I'm just going to try to hit the highlights.

Perhaps the first highlight is the entrance of team number one, which involves one of the members doing an all-out Magnum TOKYO parody, while his two partners - one of whom is inexplicably draped in the Jamaican flag and one of whom has the goofiest wrestling mask in existence - join in. The other crew appears to be markedly more serious as they head down to the ring. The match follows a pretty standard lucha trios structure early, with the six wrestlers facing each other in three separate pairs for an opening sequence before things open up a bit. One odd aspect of the match is that one of the wrestlers, who is neither particularly large nor particularly powerful looking, apparently has a gimmick in which he is a monster, as he repeatedly no-sells dropkicks from his opponents, not even bothering to leave his feet. Eventually the faux Jamaican is isolated by the opposing team and worked over until faux Magnum TOKYO gets the hot tag and runs wild. This sets off a sequence in which all of the wrestlers take turns hitting each other with big moves for a bit before the match turns into a complete schmozz with all six guys fighting at once. This doesn't go on for too long before the Fakin' Jamaican isolates a member of the opposing team in the ring and gives him a pretty nice looking swinging DDT. He follows that up with a top rope rana and a top rope splash, and that's enough to put the match away. The victorious team celebrates to what I believe is a Japanese surf rock song. As the wrestlers leave the ring, the damned ventriloquist is sitting on the stairs taking in the action, sans dummy.


Match Numero Cuatro: Dragon Solider LAW & Magnitude Kishiwada vs. Ultraman Robin & HARU in a falls count anywhere match in the Unbelievable Tag Team Tournament Finals

The action is wild as soon as the bell rings, with Kishidawa slamming HARU into the apron and pouring water all over her. After that, he grabs her by the hair and throws her into the men's room, where he rubs hand soap into her hair. For what may be the 5,000th time in this review, I feel the need to make it crystal clear that I am not making this up.



Jesus, Kishiwada appears to have some real issues with women. After that is shown, we actually clip back to the beginning of the match and get an alternate set of camera shots which show what transpired between Dragon Solider and Ultraman. DSL dominates early and hits Robin with a fake sword and a chair. Eventually the two sets of wrestlers catch up with one another and start "brawling" (and I use that term loosely) down a hallway. Really Magnitude and Dragon Solider are just holding their opponents by the hair/mask and walking them down the hall until they get outdoors. Once there, Kishiwada applies a chinlock to HARU, which is apparently more damaging when you're in a parking lot than when you're in a ring. Meanwhile, instead of saving his partner, UMR puts the same hold on Dragon Solider. DSL powers out, though, with Robin and HARU finding themselves whipped into one another before their opponents apply stereo abdominal stretches. Eventually they break the holds and whip Magnitude and DSL into each other, which Robin uses to set up a dragon sleeper variation on Law. Magnitude Kishiwada keeps pouring water on people. I still don't get that.

Kishiwada and HARU go on another walk together, heading further out into the parking lot and ultimately coming across some guardrails. Magnitude shoves his opponent over the top of the railing. Nothing else happens. Instead, we clip back to DSL and Ultraman Robin, who are tied up in another abdominal stretch. After that's done, DSL takes a bad whip into a chain link fence before Robin drags him across the parking lot and . . . into another chain link fence. Why not just use the first one? There's another cut, and we see that Kishiwada is still pulling HARU around by her hair. He puts her in a chinlock again while DSL also puts Robin in a hold. Why does this all have to be happening outside, again?

The heels' next devious trick is trying to force Robin and HARU to kiss one another, but that backfires when UMR slips out of Law's grasp and trades positions with him, forcing a kiss between DSL and HARU instead. Dragon sells it like he just shoved his face into Yokozuna's jock strap, and HARU doesn't take it much better. I guess that counts as a highspot.



At this point, DSL and Magnitude mercifully walk their opponents back into the arena. Law posts HARU and both bad guys choke the good guys, because up to this point the match has been a bit too action packed and they want to slow it down as not to wear out the audience. This choking goes on. And on. And on. And on. When we finally break away from the choking, Ultraman Robin gives Kishiwada a trio of sloppy looking ranas, only to be attacked by DSL before he can get the tag. UMR knocks both of his opponents down with a double lariat, however, then blasting both of them with an invisible fireball of some sort.

That gives us a tag to HARU (Why bother after UMR just made his own comeback?) and she gives DSL a corner dropkick and a second rope senton for two. Law didn't kick out there as much as HARU jumped off of him to give the impression he kicked out. DSL starts yelling and doing some oddball hand gestures, which for some reason causes HARU to start singing into an invisible microphone. Dragon sledges her across the back to put an end to that. He also slams her and heads to the corner to drop an elbow, which gets two when UMR saves. The Soldier stays in control of HARU, though, giving her a vertical suplex and a big lariat to set up a grounded torture rack submission hold. HARU taps out pretty quickly, and the match is over just like that. This was really bad.

For some reason, after the match is over and after the post-match interviews are over; we cut back to the arena. I'm not sure exactly what happens during the last two minutes of the show, but I'm pretty sure that we wind up watching the ring announcer draw a name for a raffle of some sort held for the fans in attendance. Sure, why not? What better way to wrap up this completely random show?

Final Thoughts

You know, when I contribute to other columns on this website, there are people who try to discredit my opinions by pointing out my perceived hypocrisy in loathing TNA but enjoying kitschy Japanese indy acts like those found in DDT and Okinawa Pro. (The one example they almost universally bring up is wrestling blow up doll YOSHIHIKO. They hate that doll for some reason.) However, I don't necessarily see any hypocrisy there. The genre of pro wrestling that TNA is going for and the genre of pro wrestling that DDT is going for are distinct from one another and either one can be done well or done poorly. It just so happens that I've reviewed plenty of examples of TNA doing their genre poorly and few to no examples of DDT doing their genre poorly, which I suppose can give the false impression that I'm biased in favor of anything that comes out of the Land of the Rising Sun. However, this FU*CK show is the perfect example of the genre of wrestling that DDT is going for being done very, very poorly, and I'm not going to review it well. DDT is a perfect blend of eye popping, athletic in-ring professional wrestling and over-the-top gimmicks. It's a very charming promotion. This FU*CK show, meanwhile, featured in-ring performances that were at the bottom of the barrel in terms of quality as well as attempts at surrealist humor that all missed the mark by miles and miles. The ventriloquist stuff was the must unwatchable segment that I've seen on a pro wrestling show all year, and I have a strong suspicion that it would have been that way even without the language barrier I was dealing with. I saw little to no redeeming value in anything on this entire show, aside from the chuckles that I got out of just how bush league some of the presentation was. Unless somebody informs me that this was just a rare misfire by FU*CK, I don't see myself going back to them anytime soon.

So, there you go, detractors. Here's your example of a Japanese independent show that I just didn't like.

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