The Wednesday Wire: 12.14.11: One Week Closer To The End Of The World

Posted by Nick Marsico on 12.14.2011

Brock Lesnar back to WWE? $20-grand for Chyna? An 80-minute match? GARTH BROOKS!?!?!?!?

Hi there Wire Crotches!

Not so good? We'll work on it. So here we are, back again for another exciting week of The Wednesday Wire featuring me, Nick Marsico. And, if you're well behaved, maybe some #FBK. Maybe.

ROH eclipsed their previous match length record of 75 minutes (Aries v. Danielson, 2/3 falls at Testing the Limit in 2004) by putting together an 80-minute-long 8-man tag team match (with a 2 hour time limit) in which Eddie Edwards, El Generico and Wrestling's Greatest Tag Team defeated The Briscoes, Roderick Strong and Michael Elgin. I believe ROH intends to air a portion of this match on an upcoming episode of TV. I bet they'll do it on the night after Final Battle. That would make the most sense.

Let's get into some action! Suspense! Adventure! Drama! Chicken farming!


____________________


10 Questions With The Briscoes

There needs to be more of this. At least once a month we NEED to see #DemBoys answer questions from Joe and Jane Twitter. Some notably awesome quotes:

Who are your favorite all time singers?

Mark: "That's another dumb question. Hank Williams, Jr."
Jay: "Hey, uh, but uh, shit. Don't skip on your boy Garth Brooks though!
Mark: "GARTH BROOKS?!?!! Whayahuhyaya $#@!@#%!#$%#!!@$%"
Jay: "C'mon man, Garth Brooks got 'dem hits, man! Garth Brooks got classic songs! pounding on table Garth Brooks has classic songs. You know damn well-- sings "Ain't Going Down ('Til the Sun Comes Up)" while snapping fingers-- Shit. I said it, yeah I said it. Garth f***in' Brooks."

What are your thoughts on PETA?

Mark: "Alright, I'll ask you a question. As far... as I'm concerned... peanut butter and honey... spread across... and/or chicken -- chopped up... wrapped up... inside -- your pita bread... is without a doubt--" cut off by Jay/next question

Jay your[sic] a little outspoken at times on Twitter, care to comment?

Mark: "What's ah... what's ah... what, what, what, what-- what we talk-- what's your Twitter comment? What's a Twitter comment?"
Jay: "Twitter. It's, uh, you know Twitter don't you?"
Mark: "What it's like uh, it's like uh, it-- what--"
Jay: "Twitter! Check this out, like, it's uh, shit, like uh, um..."
Mark: "Like Myspace?"
Jay: Like Myspace! Yeah, that bullshit. It's the new shit all the nerds are doing nowadays, Twitter. Just some more dumb shit, but I just throw shit out there. You know, let, let, let the people know that uh, you know shit I ain't gonna elaborate on this y'all gonna make me lose my job."


____________________



"Who's gonna talk about a Fave 5 with 11 people in it?" - Cody Rhodes
Cody Rhodes actually brought up the fact that Ezekiel Jackson was the man he defeated to win the Intercontinental Championship! I know it's him who won the belt so it's going to be in his mind, but this is the kind of thing that needs to happen more often. The normal an-noun-cers would never bring that up more than a week or two after the fact. Just having it mentioned that he is a former (recent) Intercontinental Champion does more for Zeke than any of those scary promo videos with him flexing his muscles and throwing around small people did. What happened to his push anyway? Granted he's not all that good, but he can be fun to watch. Did he do something to piss somebody off? Here's a funny back and forth between Michael Cole and Cody Rhodes, who needs to do more commentary spots:

Cole: "It's almost like the commentary has been revived out here tonight."
Rhodes: "Awwwwwww..."
Cole: "A breath of fresh air!"
Rhodes: "Thank you, two-time Slammy Award winner Michael Cole."
Cole: "Thank you, Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes."

Barrett and Jackson had a pretty strong match (granted only about 4 1/2 of the 8 minutes was broadcast) and both men looked good. Barrett looked crisp and he overpowered the hell out of Jackson a couple of times, most notably with the Bossman Slam (called by Cody Rhodes!) that finished the match. That was a brutal move, in the best way.

"Mick Foley made an egregious error last week when he put me in that Miracle on 34th Street Fight with Randy Orton." - David Otunga
Foul! Otunga, you used "egregious" too recently. Smart people mix up their verbal repertoires to the point where, before they come back to repeating a word, they've used 60 different synonyms and all kinds of metaphors and similies to make the same point they could have expressed in 3 less sentences. And is there coffee in that cup?

Maybe tea?
Herbal?
Earl Grey?
Green?

Is it hot chocolate?
Mint hot chocolate?
Mild chocolate?
Cold chocolate?

Could it be prune juice?
Tomato juice?
Pickle juice?

Oooh... it's not pickle juice, right? Could be worse. Could be garbage juice.

Does he have nothing in there at all? Could we sue him for misrepresentation of beverage use? Somebody ask him.

"You get to choose our match at TLC. But I'd really like to help you with that, so I'm going to make my own suggestion." - Wade Barrett
Orton and The Zig Zag Man had another strong match. There was no real point to the Beat the Clock dealie since it seemed pretty obvious that both guys were going to choose a tables match, but it allowed for a fine and simple story arc for the show. I wonder if Barrett is going to make any significant waves in the coming months. I'm not one for saying "this guys NEEDS to beat that guy", but it's pretty much a dead-end waste of time if Barrett doesn't come out on the winning end of the Orton feud and then follows up by winning another high profile rivalry.

_______________

Other SmackDown Thoughts:

- Bryan v. Rhodes was a very strong match and the interference at the end was fine by me. I'm so damn tired of Cole deriding D-Bryan though. I can stomach him otherwise for the most part, but it doesn't make any sense for him to continue hating Bryan. Shut up already.

- Does anybody benefit from a Jinder Mahal v. Ted DiBiase feud? Somebody change DiBiase's music and tell Mahal to just speak English. Evil foreigners are boring.

- Hey look, Lillian Garcia! Chimel introduced her and then, I assume, lumbered off with a tear in his eye. What happened to him? His voice has gotten less and less powerful over the past couple of years I guess.

- What's the point of having Otunga getting his ass kicked for no good reason two weeks in a row now? He should be untouchable and, while pissing everyone off, focus specifically on one guy who he just bugs more and more each week. A couple months down the line you have that guy take on somebody (a good wrestler) that is fighting on Otunga's behalf -- if he wins, he gets 3 minutes in the ring with Otunga. Boom. That's a classic freakin' wrestling storyline, people. It's not rocket science.


____________________



_______________

Although it is still unclear what TNA's new "India Project" actually is, another name has signed on. The project, run by Dave Lagana and some less important person, will not be tied to either the TNA or IMPACT Wrestling brand and will include The Great Khali (I think) and the newest member is Joey Ryan. Good for him, I would assume. Has it been explained what this thing is about and I'm just not paying attention or is it still mostly a mystery?

_______________

Ed Leslie, better known as Brutus Beefcake, is suing Linda Hogan for alleging that he and the Hulkster had a gay relationship. The first commenter on 411's posting of the story, wylun, says it all: "your name is beefcake".

Hogan actually just commented on the matter, and I kinda respect what he said about said allegation: "If any of that was true, I would admit it, and I was a homosexual I would embrace it. It's just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it."

The man did dress in a tutu and spin around like a fairy in "Mr. Nanny" so it would seem that he's pretty secure in his manliness. His co-star was Madeline Zima, better known for her role on "The Nanny" and more recently for banging David Duchovny on Californication. I wonder if she has mommy issues.

_______________

The recent formal merger of Gabe Sapolsky's Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE promotions will definitely strengthen the core of EVOLVE. The EVOLVE 10 event on January 14, 2012 is being promoted as possibly the absolute final wrestling show to ever be held at the former ECW Arena. The first announced match for the card, possibly already proving that the merger of DGUSA and EVOLVE will be very beneficial for the latter, is new DGUSA Open the Freedom Gate Champion Johnny Gargano's first title defense. It will be Johnny Gargano defending against the ever-improving and increasingly awesome Ricochet. Also, check out this preview of Dragon Gate USA's most recent DVD release, "Uprising". You can buy it and all sorts of other DGUSA and EVOLVE stuff here.

_______________

If you ever wanted to "hang out" with Chyna, shell out some cash and she'd love to play. Now, the word "sex" is never used, nor are "coitus", "intercourse" or even "consummation". They focus mostly on "services" and the listing says that she's available for "booking", "dating" and "travel". Well, I guess booking and travel are straightforward. You can have her travel anywhere in the country and they'll even ship her internationally!

_______________

Brock Lesnar will be fighting fellow heavyweight Allistair Overeem at UFC 141 on Friday 12/30. Overeem claims that he will send Lesnar packing right back to WWE. That's it. I have no special commentary or anything. Just straight news here.

_______________

Former WWE Diva Lita was arrested over the weekend. Shockingly, it was not for prostitution, but rather for speeding and driving with a suspended license. At least she wasn't high or drunk. Good on you, girlfriend!

_______________

Seriously, though, the whole Pornstar Provider thing is sending women out to be paid to have sex, right? And you're sure Lita's not involved?


____________________



_______________

Good old APrince66 starts us off with a very salient point:

"Say all you want about FBK getting Torrie, but didn't David Flair get to pop that Kiebler? The bragging rights to that cant really be topped."

Indeed this would be true. Back when WCW was SO TOTALLY AWESOME. Didn't it turn out to be Ric's baby? Man, WCW ruled.

_______________

G-Walla wishes and hopes:

"Man, I just got to thinking how awesome a Ziggles and A Double tag team would be. A shame the E didn't want Aries, a real shame."

They would be a heckuva team in my estimation. Buy my barbeque sauce!

_______________

It was a light week for comments, but The Great Capt. Smooth continues our movie brainstorm:

"Hornswoggles running around, fucking things up would rock! But, I would rather have Slater clones. It's a much more terrifying image. Call the machine that makes the clones "The Slater Generator"?"

I like it. Nothing scarier than a red-headed freakish looking dude. He's even got the sunken-in brow and eye area. That'll save us money on makeup. Rick Steiner needs to show up for a quick cameo and argue with one of the Slater clones. Like I said, WCW ruled.

Dr. Wiki has recently signed on to our creative team:

"With Wade Barret's voice he must be somewhere in the movie. Maybe Norman Smiley can be the operator of the Slater Generator. So who is the female lead?"

Barrett's voice can be the voice that Hornswoggle uses throughout the early part of the film before it is revealed that the evil mastermind is really just a bearded leprechaun. The reveal should happen, I think, during the opening credits. Wade Barrett should be promoted as the headliner of the movie though and he should be the face of our promotional tours when the movie is picked up.

TGCS suggests that the femme fatales should be Vickie and Santina. I can go for that, especially if Santina has an incredibly awkward (but sexy) trist with one of the Slater clones. Movie magic in the making! I want the Bella Twins in there too -- they can follow Mason Ryan around everywhere. Neither one of them ever say a word and nobody even ackowledges that they're there. They are almost literally going to be Ryan's shadow. And in each scene they're going to be less and less clothed. Since Ryan has a big part and will be all over the movie they're probably going to have to start the movie wearing parkas. Sitting poolside. With La Parka creepily peeping on them while standing on a folding chair on the other side of the fence. El Dandy can be there too. And of course, Nor-MAN Smi-LAY will be around to get the Slater clones going.


____________________



I missed the first hour of the show because I was taking an exam. As I expected it does not appear that I missed anything. Jim Ross won an award for something that happened like 2 weeks ago so they would have an excuse to have two old white men rap. Santino being the last eliminated from the Royal Rumble match should have won. Punk made a joke about John Laurinitis watching Point Break, which must have been awesome. Somebody drove Lita to the show to present an award. I think it was for the "Most Disappointing Dropped Storyline of the Year".

Since I guess Triple H needed a reason to walk out to the ring looking angry, he won the "OMG Moment of the Year". He then proceeded to jerk himself off for not beating The Undertaker. If I heard right he actually used the fact that 'Taker was unable to walk out under his own power as justification for getting to allude to the fact that he ended "a streak". Geez, dude. You lost.

"I keep pressing the delete button but you're still here!" - Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole
Fatal Four-Way between four of the best guys on the roster right now. Hell yes! Damn good match with Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes, The Zig Zag Man and Zack Ryder. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Not much else to say, really. Go out of your way to check this one out if you didn't see it.

"As I look at your stupid faces I blame every one of you!" - Christian
I really thought Edge was going to win the "Game Changer" award (I think that's what this one was) but instead it was Cena/Rock. Cena was funny here so I've got no real gripe. Would have been nice to see Edge though. And Christian also rules. He needs to start rolling around in a wheelchair though. SELL IT, CAPTAIN C!

"No more championship for you. Pipe bomb... engage." - The Miz
After a week off from being a badass (still being aaaaaaawesome, just not a killer), Miz came back and was damn good on Monday. He improvisation in his reactions to Punk trying to get at him while Del Rio (whose sadistic side is ALWAYS fantastic) had his arm in the ladder were pure evil heel goodness. Sleeper classic on Sunday? Maybe!

"On behalf of Mr. Punk, I humbly accept this award." - John Laurinitis
God, Johnny Ace is such a dick. I'm shocked to say that I'm actually enjoying his character now, but it's the truth.

"Kane has returned! The last time we saw Kane he was taken out by Mark Henry!" - Michael Cole
Kane's new mask(s) freak me the fuck out. Not sure if I want my son to see him yet. I remember being 11-12 years old and being scared shitless of Kane in 1998. Seriously, I used to have nightmares that he would be waiting at my bedroom door at night. And this version may actually be scarier. It creeps me out NOW and I'm almost 26! Sadly, the outfit kinda sucks.

____________________



We'll make this one simple. Predicted winners in bold.

_______________

TLC Match, WWE Championship
Champion CM Punk v. Alberto Del Rio v. The Miz

I said above that I think this one can be the sleeper match of the night. We'll have to wait and see. Either Miz or TZZM will challenge Punk for the belt at the Royal Rumble.

_______________

Chairs Match, World Heavyweight Championship
Champion Mark Henry v. The Big Show

I have a feeling we may get another no contest here on the basis of Kane interference. Tough to say without knowing what happens on SmackDown this Friday, but that's what I'm thinking. I'm still going to say Show, however. Maybe he pulls it off and then Kane comes out and kills them both.

_______________

Sledgehammer Ladder Match
Triple H v. Kevin Nash

I really, really hope we get to see Nash wobble-knee up a ladder only to have it break and fall out from underneath him. Remember, we're talking about a guy who came back from an elbow injury and tore his quad less than 5 seconds after he was tagged in to his return match. Remember that? That was hilarious.

_______________

Tables Match
Randy Orton v. Wade Barrett

The quality of this match interests me. Not on the basis that the men had a below average match last year (was it at TLC 2010?) but rather that even though there's a big star in Orton, I'm curious as to whether or not Barrett's going to get any respect here. Will it be pedestrian, quick, simple and an Orton victory? Will it be the same but with a fluke Barrett victory? Or will it be more of an evenly matched contest that gets some time and gets a chance to be really good?

_______________

Intercontinental Championship
Champion Cody Rhodes v. Booker T

Booker's ring shape is the big question here. I don't anticipate the title changing hands but weirder things have happened. I think Cody will retain and Booker will get some sort of simple revenge after the match and send us away with a spin-a-roonie.

_______________

United States Championship
Champion The Zig Zag Man v. Zack Ryder

It's time. It really is. TZZM is getting ready to (finally) move on to bigger and better things. The match will probably be simple and somewhat short-ish but the crowd will get a feel-good moment. Likely the opening match.

_______________

So is John Cena not having a match at the PPV? Will he have an impromptu match with Kane? Will he screw over Zack Ryder and turn heel? Does he just cut a promo on The Rock with Duane showing up live via satellite?


____________________

Sorry, no #FBK this week. If y'all can get some good action with that hashtag on Twitter this week maybe I'll come up with something really good for next time.

Quickly, something to think about. As I mentioned last week, I'll be doing a 2-column best of 2011 wrap-up on December 28 and December 30. The idea is that I'll do the simple stuff (wrestler of the year, match of the year, that shit) and also some other random stuff that I come up with and that you guys come up with. I'll put together a whole list of categories next week. I'll then discuss my favourites as well as yours, and then in the Friday 12/30 column I'll respond to your opinions of my choices from the 12/28 column? Got it? Good.

Next time: Maybe some Fat Billy Kidman. Maybe.

-- Nicholas A. Marsico