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411’s Instant Analysis 01.02.12: Monday Night Raw

January 2, 2012 | Posted by Nolan Woodford

Greetings, salutations, Happy New Year, and all that jazz. I’m Nolan Woodford, and I have been doing film reviews on the Movies/TV side of things here at 411 since last May. Chad Nevett will be back next week, but in the mean time, I’ll be keeping his seat warm. I honestly cannot remember the last time I watched Raw without the benefit of the fast-forward button, not counting being there in person. So hopefully I picked the right show for which to sacrifice that luxury.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @TeamACW. Now, onto business…

WWE Raw
FedEx Forum
Memphis, Tennessee
Monday, January 2, 2012

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Hype for the CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler WWE Title Match.

Last week, Kane told John Cena that the “Cena Sucks!” chants are making him weaker and he cannot ignore them forever.

Nickelback. No Fireworks.

John Cena is here. “This is Jerry Lawler country.” He wishes everyone a Happy New Year and gets booed. “You Suck!” chant. He’s making a few New Year’s Resolutions. He’s going to start wearing less underwear. His father is banned from television after “This Is Your Life” bombed. He’s also going to beat The Rock at WrestleMania. He tells the fans they’ve earned the right to do whatever they want. His beef is with Kane and he’s not turning his back on the fans. Kane’s music plays and Kane’s voice comes over the arena, telling Cena he will “embrace the hate”.

The End Begins Tonight.

SEGMENT ONE RATING: 6.0

This Friday on Smackdown, Daniel Bryan defends the World Title against the Big Show. Cody Rhodes defends the Intercontinental Title against Booker T.

Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
They lock up and Rhodes connects with a few fists. Bryan lands a series of kicks in the corner, but runs into a boot to the face. Cody works on the left arm for a minute until Bryan fights out of the corner and lands a clothesline. Rhodes catches him with an uppercut, but gets tossed out to the floor. Bryan misses a flying clothesline off the ring apron, but Rhodes sells it anyway. Bryan comes up empty off the top rope and Rhodes hits the Beautiful Disaster for two. Front suplex by Rhodes. He goes for another, but Bryan counters with an inside cradle for the win.
Match Time: 3:20
Match Rating: *3/4
Match Winner: Daniel Bryan via pinfall

Last week, R-Truth came back and attacked The Miz.

The Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw John Laurainaitis invites The Miz into his office. Johnny Ace does not agree with R-Truth’s actions, but reminds The Miz who attacked who first. He also books The Miz vs. Sheamus for tonight. The Miz says he will not be a sitting duck. R-Truth appears after Miz leaves and quacks.

SEGMENT TWO RATING: 7.0

A recap of the first Royal Rumble, won by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in 1988.

Last Friday on Smackdown, Wade Barrett gives Randy Orton a taste of his own medicine by kicking him down the arena steps. Orton is out an indefinite amount of time.

Barrett comes out and says Randy Orton is in his past. He’s going to win the Royal Rumble, and I guess they’re going back to 30 men this year. Santino Marella interrupts and reminds everyone that he lasted longer in the Royal Rumble last year than Barrett did. He says the “Barrett Garage” is going to be run by the “Santino Marella Choo Choo Trains”.

Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella
Santino gets a shot or two in before doing the splits and getting beat down. Santino gets out of the corner and goes for the Cobra, but gets superkicked and posted. Bossman Slam, which Barrett calls The Winds of Change, finishes.
Match Time: 1:20
Match Rating: 1/2*
Match Winner: Wade Barrett via pinfall

The Bella Twins argue in front of The Miz, who asks if they’ve seen R-Truth. The cameraman should tell Miz that Truth is right behind him.

SEGMENT THREE RATING: 5.0

Sheamus vs. The Miz is due up, but Miz tries to attack Sheamus before the bell. Sheamus breaks free after getting caught in the ropes and CLUBBERS Miz’s chest a good twenty times. Miz bails through the crowd. No match. R-Truth, who has found time to put a hoodie on, stops Miz in the crowd. Truth ran into Little Jimmy, who said he doesn’t like Miz and Miz needs to get got. Miz tries to run away by coming back ringside and runs into a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Truth hits Miz with a water bottle for good measure. He then gets some dorky little kid to say “Happy New Year, Miz!” Weird segment. Nothing’s happened to make the crowd buy R-Truth as a face again and it shows.

SEGMENT FOUR RATING: 4.5

WWE Magazine Commercial.

Hype for WWE InterAction.

Last week, Dolph Ziggler defeated CM Punk after a distraction from John Laurainaitis.

Dolph Ziggler tells Josh Mathews that pinning CM Punk is no more difficult than doing a headstand. He’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted, except for the WWE Championship. That changes tonight.

Zack Ryder is chatting up Eve Torres when Jack Swagger interrupts. He thinks Ryder is an imposter and that Swagger would be make a real United States Champion. John Laurainaitis intervenes and books Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, & Kane vs. Zack Ryder, Big Show, & John Cena.

CM Punk is walking.

SEGMENT FIVE RATING: 5.5

Commercial hyping Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show and Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T on Smackdown.

WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
They lock up and Punk gets a couple of quick one-counts. Full nelson by Punk, countered with a single leg takedown and a front facelock by Ziggler. “CM Punk” chant and Punk delivers a backbreaker for one. Dolph works Punk over in the corner, but misses an elbow drop. Bodyslam and a series of five legdrops gets a two-count. Punk applies a chinlock and shoulderblocks Dolph down. Flapjack sends Punk into the ropes and Dolph lands a neckbreaker for two. Elbow drop gets two. Dolph’s turn on chinlock duty as a small “Vickie’s Nasty” chant breaks out. Punk kicks Dolph out to the floor, but gets decked while attempting a tope. Dolph gives Punk a neckbreaker off the ring apron and rolls Punk back in for a two-count. We’ll be right back. We return in the middle of the “Yay-Boo” punchfest. Dolph applies the Sleeper, but Punk counters with a back suplex for two. Leg lariat by Punk. He runs into an elbow, but immediately catches Dolph with a powerslam for two. Ziggler counters a suplex with a roll-up for two. Fame Asser gets two. Stinger Splash and Dolph hits a nice looking reverse T-Bone suplex (I’m sure there’s a proper name for it that I can’t think of right now) for two. Punk hits the running knee and the bulldog for two. Punk goes for the GTS as John Laurainaitis comes out to question why a turnbuckle cover is missing. Punk forces Dolph to submit in the Anaconda Vice, but the referee is distracted. Dolph gets shoved into Johnny Ace and Punk goes for the GTS again. Dolph slithers out and sends Punk to the floor, where Laurainaitis low bridges Punk out of the ring. Punk gets counted out. Really? So Johnny Ace screwed CM Punk by helping him retain the title? What a stupid ass finish. And why can we get 20 minutes of talk without commercials but can’t get a commercial-free 13 minute match?
Match Time: 13:04
Match Rating: ***
Match Winner: Dolph Ziggler via count-out

He is Here.

SEGMENTS SIX / SEVEN RATING: 7.0

Now to recap the 1995 Royal Rumble, as Shawn Michaels draws #1 and wins the match. He’s still the only superstar to have ever done that. HE’S THE ONLY ONE.

The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres
Kelly starts out by spanking Brie, then giving her the Stink Face. TV-PG. The Bellas drag Kelly down by the hair and Nikki covers for two. Eve tags in and gives Nikki a clothesline and dropkick. Another clothesline and she knocks Brie off the ring apron. Nikki awkwardly gets kicked down and Eve gives her a moonsault. The Bellas switch and Brie rolls Eve up in an ugly inside cradle for the win. Can I have my fast forward button back now?
Match Time: 2:06
Match Rating: DUD
Match Winners: The Bella Twins via Brie Bella pinning Eve Torres

CM Punk barges into John Laurainaitis’ office. Johnny tells him that it’s Punk vs. Ziggler at the Royal Rumble, and he will referee the match himself. Punk tells Laurainaitis that if he gets screwed, Johnny’s getting “beaten like a bitch”.

SEGMENT EIGHT RATING: 3.0

The 01/02/12 videos finally conclude with some lame shaky camera effect in the arena. The lights go out and the crowd starts chanting “Y2J”. And there he is. Chris Jericho is back. Sign of the night: “Froot”. He stands in the ring for an extraordinarily long time before finally speaking. He just continues yelling things like, “C’mon!” while pandering to the crowd. After about seven or eight minutes of this, even the crowd starts to grow tired of it. I’m not quite sure I’m on board with the Lite Brite jacket, either. “Welcome Back” chant. He goes up the ramp and panders, drawing more Boos. Then he just leaves. What the hell was that? I suppose if it results in Jericho going right back to being a heel, that’s great. But I enjoyed no part of that.

SEGMENT NINE RATING: 4.0

One more commercial for Friday Night Smackdown.

Everyone comes out for the main event six-man tag with the exception of Kane. David Otunga informs the referee that Kane is not participating, so we have a handicap match.

Handicap Elimination Tag Team Match
Big Show, Zack Ryder, & John Cena vs. Mark Henry & Jack Swagger
Swagger and Cena start off, with Cena slamming Swagger and dropping an elbow for two. Dropkick gets two. Front facelock applied amidst the dueling “Let’s Go Cena! / Cena Sucks!” chants. Swagger boots Cena on a backdrop attempt. We’ll be right back, 75 seconds into the match. We’re back with Swagger giving Cena a hard Irish whip and Vader Bomb for two. Cena powers out of a front facelock and tags in Big Show. Show runs Swagger over a few times, so he tags in Mark Henry. He and Show slug it out and Henry is sent to the floor via a Big Show flying shoulderblock. Henry grabs a chair, but Show takes it and uses it. The referee disqualifies them both around 6:20. That leaves Ryder to come in and give Swagger the Broski Boot. Rough Ryder is countered with the Ankle Lock, but Ryder tags Cena. Shoulderblock, Shoulderblock… DON’T TRY AND CLOTHESLINE HIM! Damn, he tried. Protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. F-U finishes. Really? That’s it?
Match Time: 8:25
Match Rating: **
Match Winners: Big Show, Zack Ryder, & John Cena

Kane finally arrives to the party, coming up through the ring and trying to suffocate Cena. He tries to pull Zack Ryder down “into the abyss” a.k.a. Hornswoggle’s home. Cena leaps to Ryder’s rescue just before fire shoots up from the hole to end the show. What in the hell?

SEGMENTS TEN / ELEVEN RATING: 5.5

End of show.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Segment of the Night: CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler (7.0)

Trash Segment of the Night: The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres (3.0)

Final Analysis: Pretty underwhelming show, only made memorable by the awkward return of Chris Jericho and a good TV match with a terrible finish in Punk-Ziggler. So with the two key parts of the show being a disapointment, that makes it pretty difficult to recommend. Still, it’s tough to screw up the Royal Rumble and Punk vs. Ziggler on PPV should be great, so at least there’s that to look forward to. Not an enjoyable show this week, however, and I wish in 2012 there weren’t still wrestlers with superpowers.

Verdict: 5.0

411 RATINGS SCALE:
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9: Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect