wrestling / Columns

Friday Sports Entertainment 02.24.12: CM Punk’d

February 24, 2012 | Posted by Sean Kelly

No comments this week, folks. I’m writing this a week ahead of time as I’m traveling all week long. So keep in mind that this edition was written prior to Elimination Chamber and the following night’s RAW.

What I’m doing for comments this week, much like Nostradamus before me, is predicting what you’ve said. While Nostradamus predicted using Quatrains, I’ll predict using haikus! Far East fun!

From Guest #33341:
You suck, Sean Kelly
I’ll never read you again
I’m better than you

Yes, yes you are. And you’re also the same guy who writes this every week!

From QZ:
“Sports Entertainment?”
Are you out of your mind, bro?
“Wrestling” is best

I can understand why people feel this way, QZ. As much as I love wrestling, it makes infinitely more sense to present the product as sports entertainment. Wrestling is a niche sport that still has the carny stink about it. To get past that, the WWE needs to present it more as a spectacle, a show of shows, much like the circus. It also makes it easier to market to kids, because hey, it’s not real fighting, it’s a show! Plus, Sports Entertainment isn’t subject to local sporting regulations. Just saying.

From Guest #43981:
Here’s something I hate-
WWE.
Impact is better

I’m considering doing a future edition of Friday Sports Entertainment where I watch my first ever episode of Impact and live-blog my thoughts. That way, you readers could read the opinions of someone with no pro or anti TNA bias. What do you think? Are you readers interested in that kind of exercise? Who knows? I might just get into the show. Let me know in the comments.

Speaking of the comments – you know what I don’t understand? Why people don’t register for the site and post comments under their own unique name. At least there’d be a consistent voice week-to-week and it’d build a better sense of community. It sounds weird when I respond “You know what, Guest #12345, you’re absolutely right!” Plus, if you don’t want to post that dickish comment under your own name, just log out and then post as a guest. Win/win! And finally, if I were consistently reading comments from the same person that impressed/entertained me, maybe I’d consider offering them a spot in this very column. Might be fun! So register today, will ya?

Greetings, folks, and welcome to your weekly dose of Friday Sports Entertainment! Whee!

I’m assuming there was a lot of great debate between the legions of folks who support the term “wrestling,” and the exactly equal amount whom believe that “Sports Entertainment” is the way to go. Yep. Totally happened that way. Couldn’t possibly be lopsided in one direction, could it?

This week, we’ll be looking at the feud between CM Punk and the Executive Vice President and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw: John “Big Johnny” aka “Johnny Ace” Laurinaitis. Throughout the last 8 months, there was something about this feud that didn’t sit right with me. It’s taken me a while, but I think I’ve finally been able to put my finger on what’s been bugging me.

And before I begin, I totally understand that the writers/bookers are the ones whom decide where the feud goes. I get that. I’m speaking purely from a storyline perspective. This isn’t a knock on CM Punk or Johnny Ace, more of a questioning of the booking of the angle. With that, let’s examine the Punk/Ace feud!

DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN

It all began when CM Punk cut the promo-heard-‘round-the-world on June 27th, 2011. Let’s re-visit that promo, shall we?

For those who can’t watch the video because they’re either in class or at work, here’s a transcript. It’s worth reading, as it’s one of the best promos in years:

John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me.

I want you to digest this because before I leave in 3 weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.

I don’t hate you, John. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back.

I hate this idea that you’re the best. Because you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best in the world. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am and that’s kissing Vince McMahon’s ass.

You’re as good as kissing Vince McMahon’s ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don’t know if you’re as good as Dwayne though. He’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.

Whoops! I’m breaking the fourth wall! (Punk waves to the camera)
I am the best wrestler in the world.

I’ve been the best since day one when I walked into this company. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I’m a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar. And he split just like I’m splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Brock is I’m going to leave with the WWE Championship.

I’ve grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon’s brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that there just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, even in commentary! Nobody can touch me!

And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on your lovely little collector cups. I’m not on the cover of the program. I’m barely promoted. I don’t get to be in movies. I’m certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network. I’m not on the poster of WrestleMania. I’m not on the signature that’s produced at the start of the show. I’m not on Conan O’Brian. I’m not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be.
This isn’t sour grapes. But the fact that Dwayne is in the main event at WrestleMania next year and I’m not makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you’re the ones who are sipping on those collector cups right now. You’re the ones that buy those programs that my face isn’t on the cover of. And then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face and get an autograph and try to sell it on Ebay because you’re too lazy to go get a real job.

I’m leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th. And hell, who knows, maybe I’ll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe…I’ll go back to Ring of Honor.

(Punk looks at the camera and waves)
Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing?

The reason I’m leaving is you people. Because after I’m gone, you’re still going to pour money into this company. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. Vince McMahon is going to make money despite himself. He’s a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he’s not a billionaire? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, non-sensical, douchebag yes men, like John Laurinaitis, who’s going to tell him everything he wants to hear, and I’d like to think that maybe this company will better after Vince McMahon is dead. But the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon alright. We do this whole bully campaign–

And then the mic gets cut off.

I remember watching that promo and sitting in awe of how spectacular it was. In 5 minutes, CM Punk shook up the status quo by shining a spotlight on all the frustrations that longtime fans had with the WWE. In one night, CM Punk restored that aura of unpredictability that had been sorely missing from WWE TV for far too long.

In the following weeks, CM Punk would win the WWE title from John Cena, leave the company, only to return a week later on 8/1/2011 with the following explanation:

Here’s some of the interesting parts transcribed for your convenience:

“I love the place I work I just hate the people in charge. And therein lies my decision. I could have re-signed and dealt with the soul-crushing status quo, or I had a choice to speak my mind and maybe cause a little bit of change in my wake.”

“I’m here to make this fun again.”

“I can’t make this business and this industry what it can and should be sitting on my couch in Chicago.”

“So much for change, huh? Same old, same old!”

Bear with me for a moment. Let’s fast forward to the night after Survivor Series 2011. At the PPV, Punk won the WWE title back from Alberto Del Rio – so he came down at RAW and said the following:

Again, I’d like to transcribe the part that I find most relevant:

“I’m gonna make the title interesting again. I’d like to think that I’m gonna bring a little air of danger back to Monday Night RAW that it’s been sorely lacking. I wanna be, I wanna be an agent of change. “

CM Punk has consistently been saying the same thing for 8 months now – he wants to be an agent of change in the WWE. He wants to make the product “dangerous” and exciting again.

So how exactly has he accomplished that? What has he done besides toss aside a few insider references and bully the GM? Punk decided that he would do something so groundbreaking, so innovative and new – he’d feud with an authority figure! That’s never been done before!

As we all know, it has been done before, and it’s been done much, much better. This CM Punk feud is a tired re-hash of Austin/McMahon, except CM Punk is no Steve Austin and John Laurinaitis is no Mr. McMahon.

WHERE’S THE BEEF?

What gets me is that the Austin/McMahon feud actually started for a legitimate reason. Austin was a wild hellraiser, and McMahon wanted to force him to follow the status quo and be a traditional champion. Like any good hero, Austin stood up for who he was and remained true to himself, refusing to bow down to his corporate master. McMahon, being the stubborn, ego-maniacal bastard he was, tried time and again to break Austin, much like an expert rider would break a wild stallion into submission. Therein lied the conflict – it’s simple, yet effective. Two alpha males with opposing worldviews each trying to outmaneuver the other.

With Punk/ Laurinaitis, the roles are sort of reversed. CM Punk takes center stage, proclaiming out of nowhere that he’s here to shake things up, to be an “agent of change.” Punk wants to give the audience what they deserve. That makes him the good guy, right?

What’s interesting here is that John Laurinaitis has constantly said the exact same thing. He wants to be Mr. Creativity and give the audience a great show. And why not? He’s the RAW GM, looking to bring excitement to the product while maintaining the stability that was sorely needed after RAW lost Vince McMahon and HHH as showrunners within the course of a few months.

So why exactly is Johnny Ace the bad guy? Because CM Punk said he was? Laurinaitis never actually did anything to warrant the venom that Punk spews at him, never mind the physical attacks that Punk has laid at poor Johnny Ace. Punk hates Laurinaitis because he’s living a life that Punk finds repugnant. Punk has no respect for corporate suits that play the political game, who connive and plot to advance their careers.

Well, I got news for CM Punk. His character did the exact same thing! In that epic promo from June, he clearly states that he wants to be on collector’s cups, he wants to be in the main event. So what does he do? He connives and plots to advance his career by holding the WWE title hostage until he got his way. How in the world can this man claim the moral high ground over John Laurinaitis? A schemer and manipulator is a schemer and manipulator whether he wears a suit or wrestling boots.

As far as motivations go, CM Punk is Vince McMahon in this scenario. Punk loathes Laurinaitis just for being who he is and not fitting in with what Punk feels should be the GM, and he punishes Laurinaitis for it. How is this fair?

For a while, it was implied that Laurinaitis was out to get Punk. Punk was convinced that Johnny was the one who got Kevin Nash to attack him, but we later learned that Nash was acting on his own. Every time Laurinaitis interferes in Punk’s matches, there is, ostensibly, a non-nefarious reason for his actions.

Just think about it, Johnny Ace has enormous power over Punk’s career as the Executive VP of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of RAW. At any time, he could have buried Punk. That gauntlet match that Punk had against Swagger, Ziggler and Henry could have easily been for the title. It’s well within John’s power to bury Punk, relegating him to Superstars after screwing him out of the title. But he hasn’t. If you review his record as GM, he’s actually been doing a pretty good job.

In fact, until the weeks before the Royal Rumble, John Laurinaitis never explicitly had bad intentions for Punk. Only while in the ring with Mick Foley did Big Johnny announce his intentions to screw Punk at the Rumble in his role as special guest referee. And why not? Punk had constantly been verbally and physically abusing Laurinaitis for months, most of the time without any justifiable reason. Even still, when Big Johnny realized his job was at stake, he did the right thing and called Punk’s match down the middle.

KEEP THE CHANGE

And how has CM Punk brought about this great change he’s promised? After all, he swore he’d shake things up nearly 7 months ago. What’s taking so long?

Since his rise to the main event, Punk has done the following:
– Feuded with an authority figure
– Stole a catchphrase from another Superstar, whom originally stole it from Wolverine
– Started shouting The Thing’s catch phrase, which originated in the 1960’s, as part of his entrance
– Used an old song that he’d previously used at another promotion as his entrance
– Copied Randy Savage’s elbow drop
– Said the words “ice cream bars” a lot

Hardly original, and hardly evidence of the sweeping change that he promised on multiple occasions. Do you feel that Punk’s brought that “air of danger” to RAW? Has he made the product “fun again?” How can Punk claim to bring new, innovative things to WWE when all he does is re-hash stuff that’s been done by other people?

Now let’s compare Punk’s resume to John Laurinaitis’. Since becoming interim GM of RAW, Johnny Ace has done the following:
– Given CM Punk multiple opportunities at the WWE title
– Given Zack Ryder multiple opportunities at the US title, including his first win
– Kept a healthy John Cena off a Pay-Per-View, the first time in YEARS that’s happened
– Gave us a spectacular champion vs champion match – CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan – on free TV
– Gave us the Funkasaurus
– Re-signed Chris Jericho

Compare the two lists of accomplishments and tell me who’s been the true agent of change.

YOUR TURN, SCREWHEADS

What do you think, folks? Is John Laurinaitis misunderstood? Is CM Punk justified for his hatred of Big Johnny? Let me know in the comments below.

SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT #FOLLOWFRIDAY OF THE WEEK
This week’s #FollowFriday is a gent by the name of David Shoemaker, who goes by the handle @akaTheMaskedMan. Mr. Shoemaker writes wrestling columns under the pseudonym “The Masked Man” for sites such as ESPN’s Grantland and Deadspin. He often live-tweets during RAW and PPVs with some comical insights into the product. Here are some examples of his tweets:

“I hope Miz uses that new move where the goes outside the ring and lets his opponent jump head-first onto the floor.”

“If anybody’s ever in the need of extra sleeves, I’d recommend Shawn Michaels’s trash can.”
“Cena runs like an idiot when he’s mad.”

“The hilarity of Ryder in the wheelchair with the roses totally almost redeemed this garbage.”

@akaTheMaskedMan everybody! Give him a follow today, will ya?

And of course, follow all the 411 stuff on Twitter! #spon

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

THE NON-SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT THING OF THE WEEK

This week, our non-sports entertainment thing of the week is brought to us courtesy of The Huffington Post.

As a father of two young girls, I have suffered through my fair share of Disney Princess crap. While I’m glad it makes them happy, the sick bastard in me takes a twisted pleasure in Thomas Czarnecki’s creative and creepy take on how the Princesses meet their demise. Here’s an example:

Head on over to The Huffington Post to see the rest of the pics.

SIGNING OFF

I can’t put any plugs here, as I’m writing this a week in advance, but be sure to check out the main site for all the latest Sports Entertainment news and analysis.

Be sure to comment on CM Punk vs. Johnny Ace, give the Masked Man a follow, check out the bizarre Princess pics and come back next week…right here…on 411wrestling.com!

Hasta Viernes,

This is Sean

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Sean Kelly

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