The Wrestling News Experience: 02.20.12

Monday, February 20th, 2012

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

Rise Above Stupidity

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, drugged up to the eyeballs on decongestants and other random medication. One day I hope to have a job with sick days. Also, Happy Family Day to those Canadians who want to pretend that this isn’t a fake holiday that was created four years ago to give public employees a day off in February. We need more historical figures to name our holidays after, because between this and the Civic Holiday in August, it’s getting a little silly.

Moving on.

Slimmer had the live coverage. I came home from work at the end of the WWE Championship Elimination Chamber match, so we’ll pick up my thoughts there.

Wait, what the hell, Punk and Miz were the last two in the match?

*Checks live results*

Huh. Okay, I’m caught up now. Also, why did this match open the show? I guess we know what closes the show now, don’t we.

CM Punk won an Elimination Chamber Match to retain the WWE Championship

1. Punk eliminated R-Truth (pinfall, Macho Elbow)
2. Jericho eliminated Ziggler (pinfall, Codebreaker)
3. Jericho eliminated Kingston (submission, Walls of Jericho)
4. Jericho was eliminated by after being declared unable to continue
5. Punk eliminated Miz (pinfall, Go 2 Sleep)

Well, I guess we can see how Jericho gets his Mania match, which I have to admit I was a little stumped on logically.

So, after Santino parodies Rocky, we get a video of John Cena’s old-school run-down bare-bones gym where he trained day and night to become a wrestler. There’s irony here somewhere, right? It’s not just me?

Beth Phoenix defeated Tamina to retain the WWE Divas title (pinfall, Glam Slam)

That’s everyone, right? We can bring back Kharma now?

Woo, Johnny Ace promo on PPV! All you people who started warming up to him, this is entirely your fault! Don’t you remember going through this with Adamle?

Hey, Del Rio! Just one of many guys who probably could have been in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match instead of Khali! Hey, I’m fine with Santino, at least he’ll be entertaining.

Guys, smarter people than you have tried to kill Teddy Long at least twice and he keeps coming back and taking his job back. What do you jokers think you’ve got to top that?

Boy, I sure am glad people paid to watch Christian, Mark Henry, and Alberto Del Rio not wrestle.

And then it just kind of ends and everyone leaves the ring. I thought Russo was the one who couldn’t write endings?

Well, it’s 9:20 and we have two announced matches left. I sense incoming video packages.

Wow, I’ve never seen that one before, as Show breaks into Daniel Bryan’s pod from above and beats the crap out of him.

I’m shocked that I managed to pick this match correctly in my pick ‘em, including first and last eliminated.

Daniel Bryan won an Elimination Chamber match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

1. The Big Show eliminated The Great Khali (pinfall, Spear)
2. Cody Rhodes eliminated The Big Show (pinfall, Flying Elbow)
3. Santino Marella eliminated Cody Rhodes (pinfall, rollup)
4. Santino Marella eliminated Wade Barrett (pinfall, stolen pin from Bryan’s Flying Headbutt)
5. Daniel Bryan eliminated Santino Marella (submission, La Bell Lock)

And here’s a shock, Sheamus beats up Daniel Bryan and essentially declares his choice for WrestleMania. Please, please don’t shoehorn Orton into this match. It won’t add anything.

Oh Christ, Natalya farting made it onto PPV. And you thought calling women “fat” was the stupidest characteristic focus WWE could come up with.

Hey, look, it’s Jack Swagger! See, they remembered he existed!

Impromptu title match against Justin Gabriel? Well, I guess it’s not like they built him an actual feud. Also, how must Swagger feel about getting the traditional “Diva match” spot before the main event?

Jack Swagger defeated Justin Gabriel to retain the WWE United States title (submission, Anklelock)

If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of no one giving a crap.

Speaking of crap…

Well, that certainly kept going.

John Cena defeated Kane in an Ambulance Match

So, um…is that it? Did Cena actually give into hate or not? Does anyone care? No? Okay, time to move on and see how they can screw up Rock-Cena.

Last night, CM Punk survived the Elimination Chamber and retained his WWE Championship, guaranteeing that he will have a main event match at WrestleMania. But who will his opponent be? I know, we can guess, but try to act surprised when they reveal it tonight.

Plus, The Undertaker has been advertised to be appearing tonight on Raw to address his unrequited challenge to Triple H for a rematch at WrestleMania. After a confusing video last week where it appeared that Undertaker cut his signature long hair as a sign of his commitment to getting what he wants, what will the Dead Man have in store for us tonight?

Meanwhile, John Cena defeated Kane in an Ambulance Match, and thus removed the last obstacle between him and a date with The Rock at WrestleMania. Finally, after a year, we can actually start the serious hype for this match. Hopefully involving more live promos and less video packages, okay?

And Johnny Ace looks to step up his campaign to become permanent GM of both Raw and Smackdown, so I can only imagine what he’ll come up with to try and convince the Board of Directors that he deserves it.

All this and more, tonight on Raw!

I Don’t Have A Font Big Enough For This “Well, Duh!”

So an interesting news tidbit popped up last week. Apparently there are those backstage in WWE who are worried that there is a decided lack of star power in WWE right now, and that while they have some guys who are main eventers and carry themselves as such, there is no tier of wrestlers below that who could be elevated or used to fill out PPV cards. One would suspect they came to this realisation after booking a comedy Rumble and a four-match Elimination Chamber PPV.

Psst…WWE…you know that “tier” of wrestlers you’re thinking of? It’s called the “midcard”, and if you want to know where it went, well, frankly…you killed it.

Forget about the fact that you’ve buried every belt except the World titles, including putting the US Title on a guy who hasn’t been on Raw since he won the belt. Forget about the fact that you were so hard-up for a sixth man for the Elimination Chamber that you had a battle royal where Santino Marella was considered not a bad choice to win based on the fact that at least he gets a fan reaction amidst the 24 other jobbers that were in that match. These aren’t symptoms, they are the end result. The real problem started a few years ago and I don’t think they even noticed it happen.

First, on the top end. Edge retired. Triple H and The Undertaker have collectively wrestled two matches in the last two years and are effectively retired. Shawn Michaels retired. Batista retired. That’s a stunning amount of main event talent that has all essentially left WWE in the last two years. You can’t replace all that talent in that short amount of time, but give WWE credit, they’ve tried, and thus we have Ziggler, Rhodes, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, and Mark Henry in the main events. Truly some midcard elevation there.

The only problem is, they forgot to replenish what they took, and in fact they actively ditched a whole lot of talented wrestlers who could have filled the midcard but for the short attention spans of WWE Creative, who think that the way to push underutilized talent is to give them a losing streak. Between annual (and bi-annual, sometimes) housecleanings and guys seeing a better future somewhere else, WWE has pruned their roster to the limit, to the point where there is no doubt that they have the cream of the crop. Of course, if anyone gets hurt, they’re screwed, but it’s not like wrestling is a business where guys get hurt all the time, right?

People have often wondered if we’ll ever go back to the days where Raw featured mostly squash matches and saved the real matches for PPV. Well, I would argue that we have that right now. There are your main event guys, and then there are the guys who always lose to the main event guys and spend the rest of the time fighting each other on Superstars in matches that mean absolutely nothing. Jack Swagger won the US Title and then got destroyed by John Cena that same night and disappeared. Zack Ryder gets portrayed as a guy who’s full of pluck, but when he starts messing in the main event, he’s at the mercy of Kane (and let’s not forget when John Cena beat him fairly effortlessly on Raw as well). Cody Rhodes’ only feuds since winning the IC title have been with Randy Orton (where the belt was never on the line) and semi-retired announcer Booker T (who was never going to win the belt and everyone knew it). There’s a reason why Brodus Clay is off TV: he ran through all the jobbers and they don’t want him to win a title or start beating up main eventers, so he’s stuck.

Ah yes, the Funkasaurus…

Everyone’s Already Used All The Dinosaur-Related Puns

If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that Brodus Clay hasn’t been on TV in a while. Well, it turns out that WWE has taken him off TV and even cut a match he had on Smackdown because, and it makes me laugh every time, they don’t feel like his in-ring work is good enough.

First of all, since when has WWE given two shits about in-ring work, especially in their lower mid-card comedy guys? Hell, I just saw a PPV last night that featured The Great Khali as a contender for the World Heavyweight Title, and when talking about in-ring ability, you have to admit…The Great Khali is really, really tall. Secondly, Brodus Clay hasn’t wrestled a match longer than thirty seconds since he debuted this gimmick, so I’m not sure how you quantify his in-ring work. And I’ve seen Brodus wrestle longer matches, because he was on Superstars for months leading up to his re-debut, and I saw him live at a TV taping, and believe me, he’s no Daniel Bryan, but he can work. Thirdly…what the hell, WWE? Is this simple stupidity at this point? Was he “not supposed to get over” with the gimmick? Are you going to piss away fan reaction, potential merchandise sales, a chance to create a new star, just because you gave him “dancing fat guy” as joke and didn’t expect anyone, let alone everyone, to actually like it?

Maybe I’m just paranoid. After all, it’s not like they’ve done the exact same thing to another guy who got over even though he wasn’t “supposed to” in the last, oh, say, month or so. Come on, WWE, are you serious, bro?

– WWE officially announced that WrestleMania 29 will be in MetLife Stadium in New Jersey (although I’m sure they’ll pretend it’s essentially New York, just like everyone else does. Come on, you know where you are). Well, at least they skipped the part where they let rumours slip that Toronto’s getting WrestleMania, like they have for the last three years, so I can get my hopes up first.

– Linda McMahon’s opponent for the Republican Senate nomination continues to slam her for working in wrestling, which he refers to as “soft-porn”. Come on, man, that’s not true at all. Even soft-porn has full frontal.

– NASCAR fans are upset that John Cena was chosen to wave the flag at Daytona. I guess there isn’t as much of a crossover between pro wrestling and NASCAR as we all thought. You learn something new every day.

– Newly signed developmental talent Chris Hero has been given the name “Kassius Ohno” in FCW, to the dismay of people who haven’t noticed that WWE gives their guys names by picking them out of a Scrabble bag for years now.

1. Santino Marella Even bigger than the Milan Miracle, this is the biggest moment in Santino’s career so far. Sure, he had no shot, but man, look how happy everyone was when he won that battle royal. Plus, he got to eliminate two guys in the Chamber match! Maybe he’ll actually get a real feud out of this?

2. CM Punk Punk starts the WWE Title Chamber match and then finishes it, going wire-to-wire to win it. Are you ready for Punk-Jericho? I’m breathless with anticipation. And because this damned cold won’t let me breathe through my nose.

3. Sheamus One man holding all the cards is the Celtic Warrior, who it looks like will be going after Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania, and as the man on the hottest streak in WWE at the moment, it looks good for Sheamus to take home the gold.

4. Shawn Michaels What will WWE do once they run out of feuds where they can drag Shawn Michaels away from his hunting show to deliver money promos? I foresee dark times ahead…

5. Daniel Bryan Aside from retaining the World title, Bryan took some man-sized bumps in that match, including a powerbomb into the chain wall that looked more than a little scary.

6. R-Truth Nice to know that the instructions for Truth are to “act more crazy”. That’s right, we have not yet reached the upper boundary, apparently.

7. Teddy Long Seriously, this man can’t be beaten by mortals. And now he’s aware of the plot and thinks he should be in charge of both brands. Better be careful, Johnny Ace, you’ve awoken a sleeping giant.

8. Beth Phoenix Nice to see they figured out how to properly book Beth as a dominant Divas champion just before the ultimate Dominant Diva comes back. Hopefully the matches will be good.

9. John Cena As long as that’s over with. Hey, it cost him his friend, the fans, and maybe part of his soul, but at least he managed to accomplish the unimaginable: he beat Kane in a match. Nobody ever does that!

10. Jack Swagger Why do I feel like they put that match on the PPV just so they could point at it and say “See, we didn’t forget he existed! You’re just crazy, you crazy Internet fans who think we forgot about the US Champion, ol’ Whatsisname.”

Inactive List as of 02.13.12

WWE Raw

– Alberto Del Rio, out 6-8 weeks as of December 26th (ACL)
– Evan Bourne, out 60 days as of January 17th (Wellness)
– Kevin Nash, out 6 weeks as of December 18th (back)
– Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of August 23rd (knee surgeries)

WWE SmackDown

– Christian, out 6-8 weeks as of November 13th (ankle)
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)
– Mark Henry, out indefinitely as of February 5th (various injuries)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)

TNA

– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely (shoulder)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th (spine)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)
– Sting, day-to-day as of January 29th (heel)

Transactions

– Alberto Del Rio, RAW, returned to TV on February 20th (Elimination Chamber PPV)

– Christian, SD!, returned to TV on February 20th (Elimination Chamber PPV)

– Randy Orton, SD!, out indefinitely as of February 14th (concussion)

WWE

WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 92 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)

World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
– 64 day reign, defeated The Big Show by cashing in Money in the Bank on December 18th (TLC PPV)

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 185 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)

WWE United States Champion: Jack Swagger
– 35 day reign, defeated Zack Ryder on January 16th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Epico and Primo
– 36 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne on January 15th (house show)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 134 day reign, defeated Kelly Kelly on October 2nd (Hell in a Cell PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 109 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)

TNA Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe and Magnus
– 8 day reign, defeated Crimson and Matt Morgan on February 12th (Against All Odds PPV)

TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 155 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 99 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne
– 109 day reign, defeated Miss Tessmacher and Tara on November 3rd (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Robbie E
– 99 day reign, defeated Eric Young on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)

De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.

Thomas has Buy or Sell Classic.

Frame has The Wrestling Framework.

Acero has The Triumverate of Truth.

Ari has Column of Honor.

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Here it is, your Moment of Buddy

Buddy’s Always Serious, Bro.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.