wrestling / Columns
The Wrestling News Experience: 03.12.12
Monday, March 12th, 2012
From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
Everything You Know Will Chang
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I’m Stephen Randle, and if you think I forgot an ‘e”, there, then it wasn’t for you, and you should be ashamed that it is not.
Hey, Leafs, the bottom is closer than the top right now, and at this point, I’d start heading for it. At least this year we get a first round pick. For now.
And Daylight Savings Time is back in force, so if you wonder why you were really early for something this weekend, that would be why.
Moving on.
Last week, the story, as it will be every week until WrestleMania, was the confrontation between Rock and Cena. After Rock’s history lesson and a staredown with Cena, it looked like all parties involved were finally going to start taking things seriously. So, of course, this week we get another edition of The Rock Concert, plus John Cena rapping. Yep, totally taking things seriously.
And a new wrinkle was added to Triple H vs The Undertaker, as Shawn Michaels was named the special guest referee for their Hell in a Cell match. With questions about his impartiality abounding (for good reason), HBK will face off with the other man in the match, The Undertaker, tonight!
Plus, Chris Jericho scored a pinfall victory over CM Punk in a tag match last week, putting momentum squarely on the side of Y2J. Can Punk gain some back this week?
Meanwhile, Santino Marella is your new United States champion, and after successfully defending against Swagger in a cage match on Smackdown, what is next for the new champ? Possibly, he’ll become more of a pawn in the continuing war between Teddy Long and Johnny Ace, which is sure to continue to build.
And the Special Guest Host returns tonight, as one of the guys from Psych is in the house! I don’t know who, I don’t watch the show, but I hear it’s funny! All this and more, tonight on Raw!
Bad News. Period.
So for those wondering why WWE hasn’t really built a Diva’s title match for WrestleMania (and have once again relegated the champion to “occasional appearances”), and why they haven’t gone for the obvious Kharma-Phoenix match that seemed imminent from Kharma’s return at the Royal Rumble, well…it’s not going to happen.
You probably already know by now, but in case you don’t, Kharma revealed this past week that her pregnancy was unsuccessful and her child did not survive. She had initially told people otherwise while she came to terms with the situation. Truly, it is a horrible situation for any human being to have to deal with, and our thoughts and prayers are certainly with her at this time. Reportedly, Kharma has been told that she can take all the time off she needs, and hopefully she can find some sort of peace with everything that has happened. An interesting WWE Women’s division would be nice, but this…this is far more important than something as trivial as pro wrestling.
That’s all I have to say. Moving on.
And Now, Time For Pun!
Guess which news item I wrote first this week. Come on, guess!
You guessed it, we’re talking about the reported Hulk Hogan sex tape, involving a women who is not his ex-wife or current wife. Hogan claims not to know who the woman is or that he was being taped at the time, which makes sense, since those things would involve paying attention to something that wasn’t him.
And now, the obligatory list of jokes that have been amassed all over the Internet since this news broke. Plus, hopefully some that I came up with on my own. Although who knows, they’re everywhere, I could have seen one and forgotten that I saw it.
Put the kids to bed, this one gets a little blue.
Jokes About The Hulk Hogan Sex Tape
– One assumes the tape will be ten minutes of her doing all the work before he finishes on top.
– The moment where the girl says “So what you meant was, 2.4 inch python, right?”
– When Vivid releases this on DVD, I fully expect that the “Cameraman” credit will go to Ed Leslie.
– Do you think he ends by spraying “NWO” on her back?
– No, not with a paint can.
– For the audio commentary track, what are the odds that Hogan tells us that she weighed over a thousand pounds and he was worried going in that she was going to shoot on him?
– The obvious one, how many times, collectively, is the word “brother” said?
– With his recent history of hip surgeries, can he even perform his finishing maneuver?
– In a disappointing turn of events, the tape is actually of Nick Hogan, but Hulk said it was him to protect his son from the shame.
– What are the chances that this girl looks like Brooke too?
– Not to be outdone, Hogan’s ex-wife Linda is reportedly putting out a sex tape. My future sight tells me that this time, Hogan will not claim that he attempted suicide over seeing what his wife is doing with his money, however, anyone who buys the tape may not be so lucky.
– WWE plans to sign her to a developmental deal and put her over Beth Phoenix for the Divas title sometime after WrestleMania. I wish I could believe that was a joke.
– On hearing how much Vivid wants to put out this DVD, Vince is reportedly planning on switching WWE Films to amateur porn involving developmental talent. Financial analysts suggest that the division would still be just as profitable.
– WWE updated their website again! Dammit, now where can I get good, uniform pictures for the Power Rankings? Ah well…
Sure, it’s not Zack Ryder getting revenge, but if I think about that too much I get really depressed. Instead, let’s be happy for Santino, who more than earns this every week by doing exactly what he’s asked to do and actually being damned good at it. If he could wrestle for longer than five minutes in a believable fashion, he’d be a World champion. |
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Purely on the strength of the first history lesson, where Rock revealed the horror that is the John Cena Garden Gnome. Everything else was a little scattershot, but when it comes to quality promo, nothing beats “Rock chucks things he doesn’t like into a body of water while mocking it”. |
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It took John Cena over three months to deal with Kane, Orton’s hitting RKO’s on him after two weeks. That’d make for some interesting conspiracy theories, were one so inclined… |
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It wasn’t exactly subtle, but “Shut up, AJ” pretty much pushed Daniel Bryan’s relationship with WWE’s tiniest woman straight into creepy Macho Man territory. Why does she stay with him? |
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Looks like the tag team is here to stay, which means Evan Bourne more than likely is not, and before things get really silly, I nominate “Bad Hair Day” for the team name. Cheer up, guys, the WWE tag division may be all but dead, but there are worse fates for tag divisions. |
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Case in point, your new TNA Knockouts Tag Champions. Yep. |
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He got his job back! Yay! I had a lot of doubt that he would despite the fact he’s been getting more TV time than he has in at least a year! Also, at least now he may not lose quite as much. Arguably, I think he lost less when he wasn’t getting “pushed”. |
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Ezekiel Jackson may not have won a singles match in 2012, but Mark Henry needed a decisive victory over someone that would look impressive, that is, if they plan to utilize him in any fashion going forward. Hopefully Henry can at least slip onto the Mania card in some fashion. Maybe they’ll figure out what they’re doing with this whole “Dueling GMs” bit and decide to use actual wrestlers for the blow-off match. |
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Hey, he’s back and he’s upgraded to a pimp cane! Sure, he’s feuding with a woman, but that doesn’t mean…I need to stop before I make myself sad again. |
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Oh, Hulkster. You give us so much material every time you make the news. Never go away. |
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Inactive List as of 03.05.12
WWE Raw
– Evan Bourne, out 60 days as of January 17th (Wellness)
– Kharma, out indefinitely as of January 2012 (personal)
– Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of August 23rd (knee surgeries)
WWE SmackDown
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)
– Wade Barrett, out 3-4 months as of Februrary 20th (dislocated elbow)
TNA
– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely (shoulder)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th (spine)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)
Transactions
– Drew McIntyre, SD!, “rehired” as of March 9th
– Ken Anderson, TNA, returned to TV on March 8th Impact
He wasn’t hurt, they just had nothing to do with him. For weeks. Bet he’s real glad he hurt Orton now, isn’t he?
– Zack Ryder, RAW, returned to TV on March 5th Raw
WWE
WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 113 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Chris Jericho, WrestleMania XXVIII
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
– 85 day reign, defeated The Big Show by cashing in Money in the Bank on December 18th (TLC PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Sheamus, WrestleMania XXVIII
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 213 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)
– Next title defense: vs The Big Show, WrestleMania XXVIII
**NEW** WWE United States Champion: Santino Marella
– 7 day reign, defeated Jack Swagger on March 5th (Raw)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Epico and Primo
– 57 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne on January 15th (house show)
WWE Divas’ Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 155 day reign, defeated Kelly Kelly on October 2nd (Hell in a Cell PPV)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 130 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)
– Next title defense: vs James Storm, Lockdown PPV
TNA Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe and Magnus
– 29 day reign, defeated Crimson and Matt Morgan on February 12th (Against All Odds PPV)
TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 176 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)
TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 120 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Madison Rayne, Lockdown PPV
**NEW** TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 4 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th (Impact)
TNA Television Champion: Robbie E
– 120 day reign, defeated Eric Young on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)
DeMarco has The Wrestling 5&1.
Rutherford has The Wrestling Sandwich.
Acero has The Triumverate of Truth.
Byers has The 8-Ball.
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Have a good one, and always be a fan.
