Handicapping The News 03.16.12

Congratulations, you’ve made it to Friday. Hopefully so have I, but since I actually have to submit this to the system on Thursday evening, there’s no real guarantee of that, now is there? The focus of the industry is on the Road to Wrestlemania, but there’s always a few other nuggets of joy to be dug up along the way. I’m still tinkering with the format of the column as we go, and your input is always welcome. In week 1, things were split up into sections similar to the talent – curtain jerkers, midcard, main event. Last week, I went chronologically, from the start of the week to the end, then capped it off with an opinion piece. My question is..which do you prefer? While you’re praising or ripping me a new one in the comment section below, leave a note letting me know which format you prefer. Everything else will remain largely the same since the reviews coming in seem to be positive.

A quick recap of the rules and we’ll be on our way to mildly humorous reflections on a bunch of headlines from this wacky business.

Pull major, minor, and amusing headlines from the week past
Examine, expand, and educate on those topics
Pretend I’m a Vegas guy setting odds on the outcomes of said topics
????
Profit

Still waiting for help on steps 4 and 5.

Handicapping the News for the week of March 9th through March 15th, 2012

03.09.12 Kurt Angle wants to do MMA again; no word on whether this is before or after he wins another Olympic gold medal

In fairness to Kurt Angle, he said he would love to fight for Bellator, and didn’t specifically say that he intended to have an MMA fight. Also in fairness to him, Kurt managed to make it to the final round of Olympic qualifiers and has admitted that he’s a long shot to make the team. Angle, by all accounts, is an ultra competitive guy and it makes sense that somebody with a background in amateur wrestling would want to try his hand at another form of competitive “shoot” fighting. The problem is that Kurt is over 40 years old, has never had his chin checked in a real combat situation, and likely has very limited striking ability. However, Randy Couture has proven that somebody at that age with a background of excelling in wrestling, can be competitive. In fact, an exhibition between Angle and Couture would probably be the best opportunity both for Kurt and for whoever would promote this imaginary contest to come out ahead. What actually will happen, though?

No fights for Kurt that don’t involve a booker: 3 to 2 Take this statement with a grain of salt, as a bit of cross promotion for the new guys on the network, Bellator. If Kurt were going to branch out into something like this, he would have pulled the trigger a long time ago. At this point, it can’t do anything but hurt his reputation in the long run if he loses.

An exhibition with Bellator, who is on the same network as TNA: 15 to 1 If it happens, and that’s a big if, it’ll likely be in a fight that’s assumed to be very winnable, with Bellator, that both Bellator and TNA can promote on Spike TV.

Kurt becomes the first Olympic gold medalist to compete in UFC: 100 to 1 This only happens if Kurt leaves TNA and is a free agent. I’m guessing Dana has heard enough of Kurt’s off-camera antics to be wary of him, and I’m sure the debacle that was Brock Lesnar’s career would put him off investing in another professional wrestling long term.

03.09.12 Ted DiBiase injures ankle, needs shoulder surgery; apparently learned too much from Randy Orton

Look at that picture. It’s like you can see the knowledge required to be seriously injured on simple spots, then the ability to blame it on other people just flowing from Orton into young Ted. DiBiase, Jr. certainly hasn’t had the same success that former Legacy member Cody Rhodes has after becoming singles competitors. There’s been so much starting and stopping with angles and injuries that it’s been difficult for him to build any momentum. No wrestler, especially in a high pressure situation like WWE, likes to spend significant time away from the ring. As Edge, Saturn, Steve Austin, and dozens of others can tell you, though, it’s better to take the necessary time off to get medical attention and heal up as opposed to rushing back too quickly. What does the future hold for Ted?

Returns healthy, eventually duplicates success of his father: 50 to 1 Ted DiBiase, Sr. is one of the better workers of the 80’s and early 90’s, and his career would have had a lot more longevity if not for injuries. Expecting Teddy to duplicate what his dad did is a tall order. Under the best of circumstances, it would be almost impossible.

Takes time to heal properly, returns to feud with Cody Rhodes: 15 to 1 This is probably what should happen. Taking the time to heal up properly will serve Ted and WWE best in the long term, but this is more of an instant gratification business.

Never gets traction, is released, finds work in TNA or Japan before returning to WWE: 5 to 1 This is the most believable to me. At some point, you’re just beating your head against the wall when it comes to coming back or trying to get going in a promotion where you’ve struggled before. DiBiase would be a new face in TNA or Japan and would get some experience working a different style and be allowed to grow in the personality department, too. I think that he ends up back in WWE, though, and can have success there in time.

03.10.12 John Morrison booked for European dates; looks forward to doing parkour…performing parkour? Parkouring? Whatever. Joke’s ruined now.

The guy who loves fur coats almost as much as he loves needless flips is headed to Europe for a date in March, then again in December. I’m not sure if this is an indication that he doesn’t intend to either rejoin WWE or give TNA a shot or if he’s just covering himself to make some extra Christmas shopping money should neither of those occur. It’ll be interesting to see how Morrison adapts to the European style. He’s no Doug Williams or William Regal, but he’s not exactly Jody Fleisch, either. He falls somewhere in between, which could be a blessing or a curse. How will it go?

Morrison parlays time off and occasional shows into steady work in America: 5 to 3 At some point, somebody is going to want this guy. Should he be a world champ somewhere? Nah. Could he be an effective part of WWE’s midcard or the X Division? Absolutely. Time spent in Europe can only help season him and “ground” his ring work, for lack of a better term.

Morrison gradually fades away from the wrestling industry altogether: 12 to 1 Not entirely a longshot, but he’s already walked away once for what amounts to an extended vacation. Stranger things have happened.

Morrison takes over lead for a Doors cover band, botches no fewer than 4 lines per song: 20 to 1 C’mon. Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see him do Doors karaoke then play a drinking game that involves shots for every wrong lyric.

03.11.12 Sid Vicious is unreliable; indy promoter misses opportunity by not selling number to highest bidding softball rec league

Ah, Sid. Between scissor fights, squirrels, softball, grotesquely broken bones, and no shows, he’s been an MVP of the Internet Wresting Community for decades. The most recent instance occurred when he no-showed a promoter, screwing the guy over for what sounds like about the 30th time. This is sort of a case of “fool me once, shame on you; fool me a dozen times, I can count to potato.” This time, though, the promoter gave out Sid’s personal number and I’m sure many deep, intellectual conversations were had; outnumbered only by greasy indy fans dialing the numbers, hitting send, then hanging up while daring each other to actually call the master and ruler of the world. What’s next for our favorite maniac?

Gets booked for Pro Wrestling Syndicate again within 6 months: 5 to 1 If there’s one thing I know about independent wrestling, it’s that a large number of promotions are run by “money marks”. I also know that wrestling is a seriously messed up business. Pro Wrestling Syndicate has gotten great publicity out of this, which makes it worth every bit of the hassle. Look for an announcement that Sid is coming back in the near future.

Takes over Pro Wrestling Syndicate with an army of tiny scissor wielding squirrels: 7 to 1 When discussing Sid, nothing is out of the question. If I find out that he duplicated the scene with the squirrels from Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, I’d simply shrug and nod. There would be no surprise whatsoever.

Makes headlines after power bombing an opposing first baseman straight to hell: 12 to 1 If Sid is going to be expected to run to first base in a softball game, he’s going to be safe. Even if he’s not. This would by far be the most entertaining option.

03.12.12 Billy Gunn celebrates one year of sobriety; no jokes here

I’ve had the chance to hang out with Billy Gunn or which ever of his various wrestling names you prefer at a few indy shows over the last few years. This isn’t me name dropping – I’ll be the first to tell you that Billy Gunn doesn’t have a clue who I am. We’re not friends, we don’t text each other, there are no Christmas cards exchanged. I have had the opportunity to see how he interacts with people, though. Without fail, Billy Gunn the person is a friendly, funny guy. He makes time for indy guys on the show that are obviously a little bit in awe of him. He doesn’t blow people off. He’s not rude to fans. He remembers faces and names of guys that he’s worked with. Can he be a jerk? Yeah, I’ve seen that side, too. I’ve also seen him volunteer to sign autographs and take pictures for free with every fan that attended an indy show in Bluefield, WV that was the biggest disaster I’ve ever seen. I’m glad, as a person, to hear he’s been sober for this long and wish him continued success. What does the future hold?

Eventual induction into the WWE Hall of Fame: EVEN Billy Gunn will be in the Hall of Fame at some point, either as a part of Degeneration X or with Road Dogg as the New Age Outlaws. Even though he’s become the butt of a lot of jokes over the years, Billy Gunn was a vital part of what WWE did in the Attitude Era and the NAO were as over as anybody. He deserves it.

Full time return to WWE or TNA: 100 to 1 Judging by watching interviews, I don’t think Billy Gunn wants to be a full time TV talent again. Never say never, but the battle with sobriety seems to be his focus now. Being on the road full time again makes that fight much harder.

Training young talents in exactly the opposite manner of Jake Roberts: 50 to 1 From watching him impart wisdom to guys in the locker room I think Billy Gunn would be an excellent trainer, but again, no idea if this is something he wants to do. If he does it, I can’t envision him being a guest instructor at Jake’s school.

03.13.12 Vince Russo offers booking seminars; certificate on a pole match required for completion

I’m not sure what to say to this. On one hand, Russo HAS been a member of creative for WWE, WCW, and TNA. On the other hand, the IWC absolutely hates Russo unless he’s booking stuff for WWE. It would be a tough opportunity to pass up, though, assuming something like this happened nearby and you have any interest in being a part of the creative process at any level of wrestling. Take the information with a grain of salt and understand that the “crash tv” era of wrestling has passed by, and that Russo did his best work (as most creative people do) when he had a strong, definitive voice as his editor. However, there’s no substitute for experience, and Russo has plenty of that. What will these seminars produce?

A legion of Russo-ites sees a 400% increase in “pole” matches on the indy circuit: 50 to 1 I guess we’ll know soon enough, won’t we? Make no mistake, there are going to be people that attend these. And there are going to be people that are swayed by his explanations.

A handful of attendees “get it” and usher in a new Attitude Era: 250 to 1 The Attitude Era is dead and won’t work now for a variety of reasons. If it would, Vince would have recreated it. Or TNA would have. Or Ring of Honor would have. The odds of another profanity laced, nudity filled era of wrestling any time soon aren’t great. I know, it stinks.

Somebody attends and sends a hilarious report to their favorite wrestling website to mock Russo: 2 to 1 You know how much Russo loves pole matches and really convoluted booking? Internet marks love themselves even more than that.

03.14.12 Oklahoma bans all combat sports, real or fake; Ed Ferrara has more authority than first thought

I don’t put a whole lot into this, but I guess it could happen. It seems more like a power play/public manipulation technique to keep a 4% tax on PPV buys and the like in place. It reads as a similar situation to when cable companies occasionally threaten to take something like ESPN off the air in local markets. It never happens. I don’t think this will happen, either, but you never know. For now, things look iffy for the October edition of WWE Raw scheduled to take place there. More as the story develops! Until then, we’ll speculate.
All combat sports banned in Oklahoma, nobody cares: 100 to 1 See option #2.

Combat sports not banned, tax rates quietly increase: EVEN I don’t think Oklahoma even wants to ban combat sports. The opportunity is there for Oklahoma to make too much money in tourism and sales tax and the like with these events to do away with them altogether. If they really try to push things, people will fight it in the form of levys and letters to newspapers and things like that. If they’re banned, Oklahoma’s commission will be in for a fight.

Combat sports allowed, but only because of potential ring girls like the one above: One can hope.

My (probably) Unpopular Opinion

You’re not as smark as you think you are.

I know, I know. You’re on the internet. You read news sites. Like this one.

You’ve got wrestling figured out.

So why are you still getting worked if you’re so smart?

Just this week, you got worked by WWE and TNA. Don’t believe me?

The Internet would have you believe that The Rock and John Cena have legitimate heat. Why, this was thrown out there by none other than Vincent K. McMahon, Jr., who is thrilled with the heat and encourages it. Remember when I told you that the wrestling business was figuring out how to use the internet to their advantage instead of just having the internet handing out insider information that they wanted to keep under wraps? The only thing that Vince McMahon is thrilled with is that people think that The Rock and John Cena have heat.

If you think that Vince McMahon is going to head into Wrestlemania with the even remote possibility that John Cena or The Rock are going to go into business for themselves for one second, you’ve lost your mind. It absolutely could not, would not, will not, can not happen. Not just because of the investment made through the years in both guys, but because Wrestlemania is what WWE builds to 364 days a year, 365 in leap years like this. If you’ve ever watched boxing or UFC, you know what can happen when a guy that comes in at 240 lbs. or more connects with a “real” punch. Lights get turned out. If Vince thought there was legitimate heat between these two that would lead to something like that, it would be snuffed out yesterday.

What The Rock, John Cena, Vince McMahon, and the whole gang at WWE have done is take two guys that have a very public presence and drop doses of reality into their promos. It makes it feel more realistic to hear that John and Dwayne call each other on the phone, but have gotten on each other’s nerves so that it’s like a friendship gone bad. I mean, John Cena has been super serious about this, because he just has to beat The Rock at Wrestlemania. He has to. And The Rock? He’s a big star and is confident in his ability to beat John Cena on a big stage and he’ll sing songs to prove it.

This Road to Wrestlemania isn’t new, fresh, or innovative. It’s Wrestlemania X-7. “I need to beat you Rock. I need more than anything you could ever imagine.” So says Stone Cold Steve Austin 11 years ago. “I need to win. Nobody remembers 2nd place.” So says John Cena. It’s fun, though. And it’ll be an entertaining match that I think will go exactly the way X-7 went. Cena wins with a vicious heel turn. Most importantly though, it’s not real.

Then there’s Eric Bischoff. Eric Bischoff, who has contempt for the IWC. Eric Bischoff who started out in marketing and sales. Eric Bischoff who helped introduce reality based storylines to WCW with the nWo. Eric Bischoff, who people hate because he’s Eric Bischoff.

Maybe you should hate him for working the IWC so gracefully.

Eric Bischoff gets online and says Jeremy Borash is lucky to have a job, and TNA employees come to JB’s defense and the whole internet decries what a tremendous ass Bischoff is and how he should apologize to JB and it’s shameful to have this happen.

That wasn’t the best part, though.

The best part was when Joey Styles played along. I don’t know if Styles was just adding fuel to the fire or if he legitimately bought what Bischoff was doing, but if he legit bought in, shame on him. Eric Bischoff is notorious for being a dick on television, acts like a dick on the internet, and people think it’s realistic.

Lets connect the dots here. Eric Bischoff started in the wrestling business in Minnesota. Jeremy Borash is from Minnesota. Eric Bischoff had contacts with radio and television stations from his AWA days. Jeremy Borash worked for a radio station. Eric Bischoff was running WCW when Borash started hosting the WCW Live! online show and became involved in the creative process. Eric Bischoff loves screwing with people’s heads, and works for the same company as Borash, where Bischoff plays a heel on camera.

Seriously people? You’re making this stuff too easy for guys like Easy E.

So here’s my advice to you. Stop calling yourself smarks. Until you learn not to be worked by the internet that you love so dearly, just drop the first s and accept yourself for what you are.

You can contact me directly on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you so desire, we can chat in 140 characters or less about the column or other news bits. Odds are I’m back next week.