wrestling / Columns

Handicapping The News 03.30.12

March 30, 2012 | Posted by Gavin Napier

Welcome one and all to the final Handicapping The News before Wrestlemania XXVIII. Sorry to get your hopes up that it was the final one, you know, ever. You can bet that with the biggest pay per view of the year coming up on Sunday, as well as a bit of bad information that got floated out shortly after last week’s column went up, that there’s plenty of material for me to work with this week. Oh, and more of those paragraphs at the end of the column that everybody loves so much. First, the rules.


Pull major, minor, and amusing headlines from the week past
Examine, expand, and educate on those topics
Pretend I’m a Vegas guy setting odds on the outcomes of said topics
????
Profit

And away we go.

Handcapping the News for the week of March 24-March 30 , 2012

03.25.12 Randy Orton thinks his match with Kane will be the 4th best match at Wrestlemania; preliminary reports state Orton managed to break 7 ribs while giving interview

Everybody’s favorite mannequin masquerading as a WWE Superstar, Randy Orton, made headlines this week when he offered his take on his scheduled match with Kane. In Randall Keith Orton’s humble opinion, they’re going to be better than everything except Triple H-Undertaker, Punk-Jericho, and Rock-Cena. They’ll certainly be better than that boring old World Heavyweight Title match between up and coming star Sheamus and generally-regarded-as-one-of-the-best-workers-in-the-world Daniel Bryan. I mean, come on, it’s Randy Orton and Kane, guys. How could this possibly be bad?

Orton goes AWOL in mid match: 100 to 1
While Orton has been known to skip out on responsibilities before, I feel like Randy enjoys the lure of a Wrestlemania payday too much to risk a dishonorable discharge from WWE.

Crowd treats Orton vs. Kane like Orton treats duffel bags in the locker room: 10 to 1
I feel like this one is out of anybody’s control, and depends entirely on where the match lands on the show. If it goes on after the divas mess or the 12 man tag, they should get a pretty good reaction. If it has the unfortunate task of following Punk-Jericho, Sheamus-Bryan, or Triple H-Undertaker, then the crowd is going to be dead, and no amount of punching and dry humping the mat is going to wake them up.

Match actually IS the 4th best on the show: 8 to 1
I’d make the odds on this a bit higher, but it’s going to beat out a handful of the matches by default. That means one of the other 4 matches just has to stink in order for this to live up to Randy’s prediction. Of course, there’s always the potential that Orton is concussed by his own pyro and the match ends before it starts.

03.24.12 Aries and Otunga get in Twitter fight, % of wrestling world that cares: 0.3

03.26.12 Drew McIntyre added to Wrestlemania; Still hope for whichever Cryme Tyme member is still employed

Christian’s misfortune is Drew McIntyre’s gain and our misfortune. I don’t recall ever being interested in Drew McIntyre’s character in WWE, and I can’t really envision this rumored “playboy” gimmick being any better. Regardless, a guy that’s lost about 326 consecutive matches on Smackdown just made it to Wrestlemania. It’s things like this that make it hard to picture this being a quality 4 hours. We’re getting a ‘Mania without (scheduled, at least) appearances from Rey Mysterio, Alberto Del Rio, or Christian. This could be a time for some new talent to have their “moment” and break away from the pack, but most of them are stuck in a 12 man tag match with Booker T. What does this mean for the WWE Roster?

The midcard keeps treading water: 12 to 1
The booking has been so inconsistent at the midcard level for so long that Vince McMahon himself has expressed doubt in the future star power of the promotion. Clumping everyone together for these matches isn’t going to help that.

Releases and promotions coming: 5 to 3
Post-Wrestlemania. Tis the season for roster shuffling. Aside from the draft, there’s a crop of FCW guys that are ready to get a shot at the big time, whether it’s a repackaged Husky Harris (who they’re missing the boat on by not making him the redneck Samoa Joe), Tyler Black, or Claudio Castignoli and Chris Hero, or other talents that have been stuck in developmental for a while now. For those guys to come up, though, some guys have to go away. Let the “Future Endeavored” pool begin.

Everything works itself out in the end: EVEN
It’s not the most exciting or entertaining option, but it’s what’s going to happen. Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler have been building momentum lately; that’s especially impressive considering Ziggler is dragging Swagger around with him. The Miz will eventually rebound, and Alberto Del Rio and Rey will give the mid/upper midcard a boost when they return. From this perspective, the problem isn’t building new stars..it’s building new babyfaces. Daniel Bryan, Rhodes, Ziggler, Swagger, Del Rio, and The Miz are all heels. On the face side of things, you have Kofi and Punk. And…Santino?

Linda McMahon called “unelectable”, % of truth in that statement: 99.9

03.26.12 Trish Stratus knows how to improve the Divas; Actually makes sense

In an interview with the Miami Herald this week, Trish Stratus offered some opinions on how to make the Divas division more interesting. She pointed out that wrestlers like herself and Jazz were given the same amount of time and then busted their butts to try to make the segments watchable beyond hoping for some accidental nudity. While Trish Stratus will never be confused with Sara Del Ray, she did improve greatly during her time in WWE and regardless of what you think of her as a wrestler, actress, model, or human being..what she said is right. With effort and dedication, women’s wrestling CAN be an entertaining part of professional wrestling. Beth Phoenix, Sara Del Ray, Gail Kim, and plenty of others are proof. What will common sense comments on a large forum from an alumnus lead to?

Renewed focus on the Divas: 50 to 1
When the Divas were at their best, Fit Finlay was working with them and they had a group of women that were working hard, and connected with fans. Don’t look now, but they don’t have Fit Finlay and they’re short on females like Trish, Lita, Jazz, Mickie James, etc., etc.

Trish brought in to work with the Divas: 500 to 1
If Trish comes back to WWE, it’s going to be in an on-air role that involves being told what to do, not the other way around.

Trish gets implants put back in and makes a triumphant return to resurrect the division: 25 to 1
Personally, I figured she would have been back long before now.

03.26.12 WWE has mandatory Twitter meeting; % chance that wrestlers “tweeting” goes the way of MySpace within 2 years: 61.1

03.26.12 Maria Menounos breaks rib while dancing; unclear whether she’s related to Randy Orton

Look, I know I take a lot of shots at Randy Orton here. I would promise to stop, but frankly, it’s easy and fun. Menounos managed to break a rib while training for Dancing With The Stars, and it has thrown her status for Wrestlemania into doubt for obvious reasons. I don’t expect her to tape up the ribs and pull a Hogan vs. Bundy special, but how will the match play out now?

Menounos suits up anyway: 10 to 1
For what it’s worth, Menounos seems to take her appearances with WWE more seriously than some of their full time employees do. The fact that she gets to take part in the biggest show of the year and knowing that her counterparts often work injured may be enough motivation to get in the ring anyway. They’ll be handling her with kid gloves, anyway.

Rib isn’t broken and WWE is working everyone: 50 to 1
Really, would you be surprised to learn a few years down the road that Menounos was instructed to put the story out there, especially if she ends up tapping to a bear hug by Beth, who won’t let go, and she gets saved by Natty to set up a feud?

Menounos sits, replaced by sexy beast Nancy Grace: 250 to 1

RVD produces marijuana documentary; % of people that should be surprised by this: 0.0%

03.29.12 Kurt Angle irate that someone stole $4000 from his mother; in future news, Kurt Angle arrested for genocide of the Dominican Republic

Is that the face of someone whose bad side you want to be on? No. No it isn’t. That is the face of insanity. That is what Lovecraft wrote about when he described the very depths of madness. I feel like after realizing that it was one of Kurt’s family members that they scammed, these faceless degenerates from the Dominican Republic immediately were stricken by pants-shitting terror. What happens next?

Kurt Angle retires from wrestling, takes matters into his own hands: 30 to 1
I know what you’re thinking. Odds are better than that. If there’s one guy out there that thinks Taken starring Liam Neeson was a documentary that needs to be immediately reenacted, it’s going to be Kurt Angle.

Kurt Angle murders Dominican scammers, claims his brain was hacked: 40 to 1
Seriously, if this were, say, Zack Ryder or James Storm, I wouldn’t be even mildly concerned. It seems so much more feasible with Kurt, though.

Russo booked the scam, the storyline will pay off at Slammiversary in a “Kurt’s Mom’s Money On A Pole” match vs. Garrett Bischoff: 25 to 1
Admit it, you haven’t ruled it out entirely.

% of readers that will even bother reading these tickers: 19.5

03.27.12 WWE Confirms Ric Flair to be at Hall of Fame induction of 4 Horsemen; Bobby Roode quoted as saying “Dammit.”

Confirming what was never in doubt, Ric Flair released a statement this week announcing that he would be at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony on Wrestlemania weekend. Negotiations apparently centered more around how to handle Flair appearing on WWE programming and the DVD release while operating as a TNA contracted employee. Having an induction with Tully, Arn, Barry, and JJ was simply out of the question. Knowing that Flair has a tendency to make the worst of things in life, how’s this going to play out?

Flair burns a bridge with TNA sooner than later: 10 to 1
I don’t think we’ll see Flair as a performer in a WWE ring again. I can, however, see him taking over the spot as a GM or on air figure of some sort that doesn’t involve being in a WWE ring as a wrestler. I can see Vince and Triple H being a stickler for that, refusing to let him wrestle, insisting that he’s retired from WWE. If they offer him a paycheck equal or greater than that of TNA’s deal for another on air role, though, he’ll be gone.

An uneventful, classy induction of wrestling’s greatest stable occurs: 3 to 2
The only way I can really see this going bad is if Flair tries to shoehorn the TNA name onto WWE programming. I’m sure that’s all been covered and won’t happen, but you never know for sure in this business. Still, this is the odds on favorite by a long margin.

Dusty Rhodes gets assaulted in the dressing room before the induction: 100 to 1
Despite the insistence of some people that Cena and Rock hate each other, professional wrestling is scripted and Dusty is friends with all of these guys. Sorry to break it to you.

03.26.12 Cena and Rock complete Road to Wrestlemania on Raw; SWAT Team not required to keep these real life bitter enemies apart

To say that the conclusion to this build was underwhelming would be a huge understatement. The verbal confrontation fell a little flat, but there’s still a ton of interest in this match, and rightfully so. This is the largest mainstream star in wrestling at the moment taking on one of wrestling biggest stars ever. There’s no reason for this match not to be 100% spectacle, even if the action in the ring doesn’t live up to what are probably unrealistic expectations. It won’t be a traditionally great “wrestling” match, but it should be a great “sports entertainment” match. Everybody has weighed in with their opinions of how this is going to end, who’s winning, who’s losing, how and why. Here’s my take on how things are going to play out.

The Rock goes over clean: 50 to 1
Aside from nostalgia to the Attitude Era and the Rock playing the role of celebrity, there’s not much to gain from The Rock going over here, at least in a clean cut manner. Even less so if you buy into the theories that they’re going to trot this match back out next year. I don’t particularly think they will, but I do see the possibility there, especially if this one does big business.

A screwjob finish: 20 to 1
Again, this depends entirely on how you feel about the possibility of a rematch next year. If they’re going with it, it makes sense to leave things up in the air. Getting a two year build out of guys that realistically can’t do anything but talk and tweet at each other is going to be challenging, though. They barely got two solid months.

Cena wins: 5 to 1
This has been too much like Wrestlemania X-Seven for my liking. One of the major players is the same as eleven years ago, and much of the build for Cena has been like Austin’s was. Cena talks of needing to beat The Rock while they take guarded verbal jabs at each other. The only thing missing was the brawl right before the pay per view. Just as Austin did all those years ago, I think Cena’s obsession with beating Rock will lead him to the win by any means necessary. I think that this is the situation WWE needs to turn Cena heel and freshen him up. He’s going to get booed loud and long in Miami, and unlike the Rock vs. Hogan match, they’re not going to change opinions midstream. If Cena levels Rock with a chair or delivers a vicious beat down after the match, we may see something similar to the nWo era where garbage is launched at the ring. The seeds have been planted, the clues have been dropped. Did Kane corrupt Cena after all? Are the news reports of Cena picking at Lillian Garcia part of something more, and WWE’s way of showing a subtle change? Cena has actually vocalized that he doesn’t care if he’s cheered or booed. Cena has – almost arrogantly – been comparing himself to Tim Tebow and says he’s hated because he’s a good person. Then Monday night, Cena said the only reason people hate him is because he keeps winning. Maybe all of this is coincidental, and I could be very wrong. It sure wouldn’t be the first time. However, I like the odds of a Cena win and/or heel turn this Sunday better than anything else.

Like you don’t know what’s coming in this section.

“News”, and I use that term very loosely, broke this week that TNA was having “serious financial troubles” and “couldn’t pay workers”. Not surprisingly, this report was entirely false. I say not surprisingly because well, the group that broke this “news story” has a history of predicting the demise of TNA for various reasons for quite a long time now. I’m sure you remember them, right?

There was the time TNA was formed as an affiliate of the NWA, and it was a symbiotic relationship. NWA: TNA wasn’t expected to last long, because the NWA was irrelevant and TNA was a nonsensical name, and nobody was going to want to see what amounted to a glorified indy promotion with the NWA name attached to it. Despite the fact that many said they would be lucky to get off the ground, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that NWA: TNA announced that in lieu of a weekly television model, they were going to air weekly pay per views. Never mind that the weekly pay per view model allowed people to pay $40 for eight hours of wrestling from TNA as opposed to the WWE model where they dropped $30 for about two and a half hours of wrestling every month. This was a terrible idea and TNA would be lucky to survive a month, much less run a promotion this way. Despite the fact that they were going to go broke immediately with this model, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that NWA: TNA announced that they were dropping the weekly pay per view format and taking a spot on Friday afternoons with Fox Sports. The fact that they were dropping the weekly pay per view model and getting onto the number two sports programming company in the United States could only mean one thing – the company was dying. It was proof that the weekly pay per views had not been profitable and this was a desperation move that would never pay off. Despite the fact that they occupied the coveted Friday afternoon spot for a while, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that NWA:TNA announced that they were moving from Fox Sports to Spike TV. Leaving Fox Sports, which going to was a terrible decision to begin with, was a terrible decision. The idea that they were going to Spike TV just to fill a void that had been created by WWE’s departure was further proof that the company was about to die. They were trying to live on the scraps of another larger, established organization, and if WWE wasn’t going to be on Spike TV, there was no way that wrestling was going to survive on Spike TV. Despite the fact that leaving Fox Sports proved they were all but destitute and desperate for a television home, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that NWA:TNA became just plain TNA. If an irrelevant group such as the National Wrestling Alliance didn’t want to be associated with them, then they had to be near death as an organization. Never mind the fact that it was TNA’s decision to break away and try to forge their own brand. Never mind the fact that they were firmly established on a cable network and drawing ratings better than people expected. The split from the NWA could only signal the end. Despite the fact they’re no longer affiliated with the NWA, they’re still around.

Then there was the time TNA decided they were going to use a six sided ring. Such a gimmicky, ludicrous move only proved that they were going to go out of business soon. This was nothing more than a desperate attempt to cash in on UFC’s popularity, and if they couldn’t do it, then they were as good as dead. It had nothing to do with emphasizing the X Division in a lucha-style ring, or making themselves stand out visually. No, the decision to use a six sided ring was nothing more than a desperate attempt to stay in business. Despite the fact that the six sided ring has come and went, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that TNA signed guys like Kurt Angle, Christian Cage, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Sting, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Rob Van Dam, Mr. Anderson, Booker T, and Jeff Hardy again. The fact that they were hitching their hopes and dreams to a bunch of former WWE stars could only mean that they were desperate and were trying to save themselves by paying guys that were stars elsewhere to save their company. It was unfathomable that these were guys that either would have gone or did go to WCW when it was still around as a viable second promotion. There was absolutely no chance that anybody ever had or would leave WWF/E for any other territory or promotion in the last 50 years. The desperate signing of has beens like Kurt Angle and Christian only showed desperation on TNA’s part. Despite the fact that they’ve also signed a bunch of Ring of Honor guys, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that TNA failed on Monday nights. They took a shot at competing on a Monday nights well before they were ready – and they’re still not. Trying to branch out and try something new, and cash in on a “traditional” night for wrestling wasn’t seen as an attempt to grow the company or test the waters. The only thing that it could have been was a sign that the Thursday thing wasn’t working, and since the Monday thing went poorly, they were going to be out of business within months. Despite the fact that TNA on Monday nights are a thing of the past, they’re still around.

Then there was the time that TNA rebranded themselves Impact Wrestling. Even though TNA was originally called a stupid name, the Impact name was equally ridiculous. Why would they change unless they needed a quick fix for brand identity to draw in new viewers because they were about to go out of business. Despite the fact that people still call them TNA and Impact Wrestling, they’re still around.

Then there was the time they supposedly weren’t paying people. That’s the new one. Just another in a long line of incidents that supposedly points to the demise of a wrestling company. For a group of people who say they like wrestling so much, people sure are anxious to see a wrestling company go out of business. It’s not going to happen. Less than 48 hours after the report that TNA couldn’t pay employees surfaced, a clarification emerged. It turns out that TNA is just a little slow paying some of the roster members. This happens from time to time in every business. I work for a company that regularly appears on the Fortune 500 list. I am not in any position of authority there, I’m just another rank and file hourly worker. I’ve been there for 5 years, and there have been times when my paycheck has been delayed because of human error, computer error, bank error, and various other reasons. At no time did I connect the dots that because my paycheck was late, the company was going out of business.

Just a few months ago, the artist formerly known as Road Dogg and BG James said that TNA/Impact Wrestling was making money hand over fist. He stated, with confidence, that nearly every aspect of TNA was making money, especially their overseas television contracts and Ring Ka King. The idea that somebody with firsthand knowledge of the company as well as a friend of Jeff Jarrett would make that statement and be completely, totally 100% wrong about it is just as absurd as all of the other unfounded predictions that TNA was about to go out of business over the last decade.

My question is, why do you keep believing them?

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.

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Gavin Napier

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