wrestling / Columns
Handicapping the News 04.20.12
I’m so glad you’re here. It would be lonely here without you. And really, what do you have better to do on a Friday than read the musings and ramblings of yours truly? Well, honestly, probably quite a bit. So I’m glad you’re here. But I said that already. In case you weren’t aware of what you clicked on, I’m Gavin Napier, and this is Handicapping the News. In this column, I, well, handicap the news. More on that later. However, I also feel obligated to tell you that this column is a constant work in progress. I’m going to keep tinkering with things until I find what works and what doesn’t. I’ll add things, take things away, then add them back again if I feel necessary.
I mention this, because last week, it came up a few times in the comments section that I seemed to be in a really dark place, angry and hating everything. My knee jerk reaction was that it wasn’t true and that it just so happened that a lot of things came out in the wrestling news that I disagreed with or saw excellent chances to make fun of things. Looking back, I was coming off of a pretty rough two week stretch personally, with both a serious illness in my family and a death in the family. I’ll still make fun of Randy Orton, and I’ll still say “I told you so” when I’m right about something, but I’ll try to be a little friendlier about it.
Here’s what’s going to happen, just in case it’s your first time here. First, I’m going to pull some headlines from the last two weeks, and organize them into sections.Stay with me, this is where things start getting good. Then, I’m going to give a brief recap of what these news reports actually entailed. After that, I plan on giving “odds” on the aftermath of each happening, using my brilliant powers of deductive reasoning and preposterously large vocabulary. Finally, I’ll check back in a couple of days to see what delightful anecdotes and brilliant bits of comedy have been sprinkled amongst the vitriol in the comments section below.
Starting this week, I’m going to pick one (maybe two!) lucky winners out of the comment section below and respond to them. Is it you? Maybe! The only way to find out is to leave me more delightful messages like I got last week and then check back to see if you’re the lucky guy or gal or guy pretending to be a gal, because this is the internet.
Without further adieu, here’s our very first Reader Spotlight!
Guest #4611 writes in with a delightful comment regarding Brock’s medical condition. Ahem.
“You’re a fucking retard. The guy had a foot of intestine removed. People have died from diverticulitis.”
Thank you, Guest #4611, for that insight. Now, my rebuttal.
I’m aware that people have died from diverticulitis. I’m also aware that people have died from the common cold, the flu, chicken pox, and leprosy. In fact, there are a ton of people that die from leprosy in India every year. Just like diverticulitis, though, there’s no medical reason they should die from it. See, the folks in India that contract leprosy are largely believed to be cursed, so offering medical treatment to them would be akin to inviting the wrath of God down upon your head and your family. Treating leprosy in the 21st century is ridiculously simple – it requires a shot. Just one. Not a series of them, not a shot followed by a series of medications ingested orally or infused intravenously. Just a shot. The reason people die from it is because they don’t have the ability to seek medical attention for it under their religious and economic systems.
Where diverticulitis is concerned, it generally results from not eating enough fiber. See, fiber absorbs water, which makes your shit soft and able to move through the colon. When it gets too hard and gets stuck, it causes lesions on the colon, which get infected, which is diverticulitis. There are two pretty common recommendations should you find yourself with diverticulitis – stop eating so much red meat and replace it with fiber, and put a heating pad on your stomach. What Brock decided to do was keep cramming deer meat down his throat, and ignore the warning signs his body was giving him until it became a critical situation. There was no medical reason for things to get that bad, it was because he was a dummy about it.
You don’t wake up with searing pain in your gut and get diagnosed with diverticulitis. It progresses, starting with diverticulosis. When diverticulosis is ignored, it turns into the more serious diverticulitis. Diverticulosis is remarkably common, and is found in over half of Americans age 60 and over. The senior citizens that contract it overwhelmingly survive the ordeal. So, again, it’s hard for me to buy Brock as the baddest dude on the planet when he almost ate himself to death on deer meat by ignoring an illness that most people in nursing homes can survive without a problem.
Now, I’ve got a column to write.
Brodie Lee, real name Jon Huber, signed a deal with WWE and wrestled his last indy show for the foreseeable future this week. This was a signing that had been expected for a while, and I’m glad to see it finally happen. If you haven’t seen Brodie Lee in action, I suggest Googling him and watching it. I’m sure that WWE will tweak his style somewhat, because the WWE style is a real thing and not everybody is prepared to work it, as evidenced by the lack of reaction to Lord Tensai so far. I don’t think it will take Brodie long to get the hang of things, though, and he has the potential to be a real impact player in the near future. I fully expect him to be on the main roster before the end of the year and potentially get a bit of a push in the Royal Rumble, though I certainly don’t expect him to win that match just yet. He’s a talented, charismatic guy with a unique look. As long as he doesn’t get saddled with a completely ridiculous gimmick, there should be big things in his future. Odds for Brodie Lee in 2012?
Joins the main roster before 12.31.12: 3 to 2
The only way I don’t see this happening is if there’s an unfortunate injury or an unexpected tidal wave of developmental call ups. Brodie’s size will give him an advantage over a lot of the guys that are there now, so I certainly like his chances.
Gets a new name and a new look before making the main roster: Even odds
Repackaging guys is what Vince does. For all of the ridiculous stuff that’s been trotted out in front of us, the majority of it ends up catching on. Funkasaurus, anybody? Personally, I think the scraggly beard and jeans look works well for Brodie Lee. That’s not the look of a main eventer in WWE, though.
New gimmick is a lumberjack: 100 to 1
Claudio Castignoli just got packaged as a rugby player, so nothing’s impossible. Personally, I think Brodie Lee in full lumberjack gear would be fantastic, and maybe I’m hoping more than a little that it’s what we get to see. Maybe.
I’m a little wary to include this news item, for fear of falling under Nicholson’s umbrella of lawsuits. This is the guy suing Abdullah the Butcher for giving him Hepatitis C, which isn’t fatal or permanent, and puts him in a club with Pamela Anderson, among others. He’s also suing WWE for withdrawing their offer of a contract after finding out he had Hep C, because, you know, who doesn’t want to employ a wrestler that has an infectious disease? Well, Nicholson is also an amateur wrestler, and when he found out that Kurt Angle had withdrawn from the Olympic trials due to an injury, but competed at Lockdown anyway, boy was he angry. I mean really angry. Angry enough to not sue Kurt Angle, but to challenge him to a “real” wrestling match and some other stuff. I feel for Nicholson, since he was really close to living his dream by securing a WWE contract before having it torn away by circumstances that seem to be out of his control, but I’m not sure calling out Kurt Angle is the cure for what ails him. How does this play out?
Nicholson and Angle actually have a match, shoot or otherwise: 50 to 1
Given Nicholson’s health issues, there’s no way Kurt can do this. Except Kurt is insane. That’s the only reason this isn’t listed as “off the table”.
Nicholson wins a lawsuit or two and disappears: 10 to 1
If reports of Abby testing positive for Hep C are true, then he’ll win that lawsuit. If that’s proven to be what cost him his shot at WWE, he’ll get a nice settlement and will be able to quit attention whoring like this.
Has a nice long talk with Nigel McGuinness about being forced into retirement: 2 to 1 Hey, it’s a 50/50 shot with Nigel, right?
The Internet was placed in the precarious position of being forced to choose between Austin Aries, internet darling, and Ring of Honor, internet darling, when Aries blasted the promotion earlier this week. Aries declared that the promotion was a “shell of its former self” due to the mass exodus of guys such as himself, CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, Samoa Joe, and others. Aries derisively referred to Ring of Honor as Smoky Mountain of Honor, and went on to say that there was “no money” there, and they had to accept the fact that they were a farm system. I halfway agree, only I don’t think that much has changed. Ring of Honor has always been a large independent promotion, and as such, is essentially a farm system. If they weren’t a farm system when Aries and the guys that were there with him were making a name for themselves, they’d still be there. Guys like the Briscoes that are going to stay in Ring of Honor for years and years are a rarity. When top guys are offered a significant pay raise, they’re going to take it more often than not. By nature, Ring of Honor can’t compete financially with TNA, much less WWE. They’re in the same place that ECW was back in the late 90’s, only Ring of Honor has been smart enough to not force “growth”, which is the very thing that killed ECW. Whether they hold steady in this spot and stay in business or are able to break through and become a legitimate third major national promotion, either outcome is good for wrestling in general. If they try to become bigger than they’re prepared to be, they’ll sink quickly, and that’s no good. What’s next for the number three promotion in America?
RoH loses another half dozen guys this calendar year: 10 to 1
I think we’ll start to see the harvesting of RoH guys drop off, as TNA and WWE’s rosters are both relatively full. Guys like The Brisco Brothers, Kevin Steen, Davey Richards, Kyle O’Reilly, and Haas and Benjamin could easily transition to one of the “big two” in the near future, though.
Talent begins returning to RoH: 15 to 1
Jay Lethal did it, and there are other former RoH guys floating around out there that could still be viable, like London and Kendrick. Guys that get released will need work, and RoH has shown an ability to work guys in pretty seamlessly. It depends largely on who becomes available, but it’s possible.
Austin Aries is released from TNA, returns to Ring of Honor as Austin Starr, his Jesse Ventura impersonation: 100 to 1
Not sure what A-Double was thinking for that one, but let’s all hope he doesn’t think it again any time soon.
The Super Junior Tournament for 2012 looks fantastic. I don’t know what else to say. The best junior heavyweight in wrestling right now (for my money), Prince Fergal Devitt is there. Ring of Honor and IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team champion Davey Richards is there. Taka Michonoku and Jushin Thunder Liger are there. Jado and Gedo are there. What really makes me curious about this tournament, though, is the addition of PAC to the roster of competitors. PAC is an absurd athlete that keeps getting better in the ring. I’m sure there are some smarks…I mean purists..that probably frown about watching him do all that flippy stuff and bounce around the ring. I’ll allow that PAC is probably never going to be the type of guy you put a world title on in North America or Japan, but guys like him have a definite value on a roster. I’ve wanted TNA to bring him in to the X Division for years, and the thought of seeing him compete with the top current juniors in the world along with legendary Japanese talents is probably the closest I’ll get to seeing it. You’ll never see anything quite like this tournament in America, so if you’re a fan of cruiserweights, Japanese wrestling, or just really good wrestling, I suggest you find a way to see this. What do I see in the future for the Super Junior Tournament?
A working relationship with TNA that allows AJ Styles or Christopher Daniels to compete: 75 to 1
Let’s be honest: if TNA or New Japan had any interest in this happening, it would have by now. As it is, the current crop of X Division guys as well as CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are the only significant Junior Heavyweights to have never competed in the tournament.
Jushin Liger wins his 4th Super Junior Tournament: 40 to 1
A longshot at best. Best money would be on Devitt, Richards, or Taguchi to win, but Liger’s a legend for a reason.
“Tupac” technology leads to holographic matches between Eddy Guerrero, Chris Benoit, and Owen Hart at future BSOJ’s: 100 to 1
This would be higher if Japan weren’t so damned weird. If it happens, look for Misawa to be the special ref.
Umm…look. I really don’t care about this, but there wasn’t much news in the way of women this week, and this is as good of an excuse as any to include a picture, right?
The sky isn’t falling. There is a very real possibility that ratings will occasionally dip below 3.0 despite the return of Brock Lesnar. There is a very real possibility that the Social Media Score will continue dipping, despite the appearances of more guest hosts. There is a very real possibility that the stock will continue to slip as all of this happens. The sky isn’t falling. It’s just cloudy.
This is the Internet, though, and people will pounce on anything to proclaim that things are bad and getting worse. Wrestling fans, as I’ve mentioned before, are the only group of people that seem to hate and cannibalize their hobby. Rather than rooting for everyone to succeed to the benefit of all, they choose a side and want everybody else to go out of business and feel the need to ridicule them. It’s counter productive. I’m a Braves fan, but I don’t want the Pirates to go out of business. Rather, I’d like to see the Pirates become competitive again and bring good baseball back to a city that has produced several legends for the sport and whose loyal fans deserve to see a winner again. Pittsburgh being good would be good for baseball. That’s not how wrestling fans view it.
WWE fans want TNA to go out of business. Why? If you’re a wrestling fan and you can’t enjoy AJ Styles, Robert Roode, Brutus Magnus, or Gail Kim, I’m not sure why you’re watching wrestling.
TNA fans want WWE to go out of business. Why? If you’re a wrestling fan and you can’t enjoy CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho, the evolution of Daniel Bryan, the rise of Dolph Ziggler, or the comedy of Santino Marella, I’m not sure why you’re watching wrestling.
I’m not telling you to like everything, I’m just saying enjoy wrestling. Randy Orton bores me to no end. I don’t care about Brock Lesnar being back until I see him in the ring. Garrett Bischoff has no business on television and I would rather see The Pope D’angelo Dinero as the TV champion than Devon. I don’t loathe WWE or TNA to the point that I want to see them fold, though. Why? Because less wrestling is bad for business. Wrestling’s greatest modern eras have been born from competition. When WCW and WWE were pushing each other, it was good for everyone. When ECW made a run, it was outstanding. Everybody stepped up their games. If you like wrestling, you should be pulling for TNA and Ring of Honor and CHIKARA and Evolve and NWA to all step up their games and become major players. It’ll make WWE better if they do.
I digress. WWE is going to be okay. All of this doom and gloom that’s being reported probably isn’t making Vince McMahon very happy, but all it’s going to take is one magic moment and things will be okay again. Wrestling, more than any other sport or genre, survives on moments. It’s Bruno Sammartino winning the WWWF Championship and starting the greatest run ever. It’s Hulkamania officially beginning in January of 1984. It’s Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes and Joe Frazier. It’s Scott Hall coming out of the crowd. It’s Austin 3:16. It’s Goldberg beating Hogan. It’s “Finally, the Rock has come back…”. Wrestling has moments, moments that draw casual and lapsed fans back in, make them care again, and sucks in a new audience. We haven’t had that for a while within the wrestling industry. Had Rock been a full time return, I’d say that it stood a good chance of starting a revival. It will happen, though.
Things will turn and WWE’s business will pick up; so will everyone else’s. If you’re a WWE fan, don’t worry about stock prices – invest your time and money in their product. If you’re a TNA or RoH fan, don’t gloat about WWE’s troubles, because if that ship sinks, the business is dead. Just be a wrestling fan again.
What does the future hold for WWE’s business?
A surge before Summerslam 2012: 50 to 1
Vince is trying to rely on part timers too much. I don’t have an issue with Triple H, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, The Rock, or Brock Lesnar being there. I may not necessarily care as much as they would like me to as a fan, but I don’t mind it. Part timers aren’t going to bring people in consistently, though. Somewhere, there’s a full time roster member just waiting to ignite. With the pattern of focusing on part time big names, it’s going to be hard to uncover them in the next 4 to 6 months.
A slip back while TNA rises, pulling the companies even by December 2013: 250 to 1
This would take such a chaotic series of events to take place in WWE and unbelievable luck for TNA that it’s hard to envision it happening. This isn’t a knock on TNA. Remember, WWE has about a 45 year head start on TNA in the wrestling business. TNA is still very much finding their way and has done better as a true upstart company than anyone else ever has. That said, they’re not going to triple their ratings without stumbling into their accidental superstar, and WWE isn’t going to fall much farther without a Benoit-level scandal.
Wrestlemania XXX marks the beginning of a revival: 25 to 1
Nearly 2 years away, it seems like a long time to wait. I can’t help but think, though, that Vince may hold off on his biggest possible matches at XXIX for the chance to make the thirtieth Wrestlemania the biggest spectacle of all time. If you want a stage to launch a career, that’ll be the place to do it.
Before I do this, there’s a promise I need to keep.
Back when I was writing Ask 411 Wrestling about 8 years ago, one of my regular readers and contributors was Chris Pleasants. Chris is a great guy, a good father, and a proud veteran who’s going overseas again soon. Chris also has a huge heart. On his Facebook, he’s been asking for some help for a good cause, and I promised I’d help him out with it by including a link here.
Chad Preble, of Tuscon, AZ, is in the running for a new van that will help his family transport him from place to place. Because, you know, that’s what vans do. Chad has a form of Cerebral Palsy, and as such requires a motorized wheelchair. These pieces of equipment are large, and heavy. The van that Chad and his family are in the running for is a modified van that will provide a motorized lift to allow for easier transport.
You can go to Life Moving Forward to vote for Chad. When you do, make sure you use promo code 719. Even if you think I’m a massive tool, don’t hold it against this kid. You can vote once a day, so keep going back. It’ll make a major difference for the better in somebody’s life.
Now then.
Contrary to popular belief, I’ve never “trolled” in this column. Not for one word of one sentence. If you see something in this column, it’s because I believe it or mean it. I take good natured shots at Ring of Honor, I’ll admit that TNA’s booking is a mess, and I make fun of Randy Orton a lot. Why? Because I think Ring of Honor could improve, TNA’s backstage situation is well documented, and Randy Orton sucks.
If you click on this column, though, I’m not going to feed you something just to get a reaction. I figure the fact that some of the opinions I hold go against the grain enough that I don’t have to lay it on any thicker.
I’m also thick skinned. Dump abuse on me. Be creative with it. I can handle it. Who knows? You might just make it to the spotlight up there at the top.
That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.
