wrestling / Columns

Handicapping the News 04.27.12

April 27, 2012 | Posted by Gavin Napier

Welcome one and all to another 100% troll-free edition of Handicapping the News. I’ll be guiding you through another week full of headlines and commentary, and having fun while we do it. At least I assume you’re having fun. I know what the rule about assuming is, but if you’re not having fun, I wouldn’t think you’d keep coming back. I’d assume you’d be off reading something much better, like Ask 411 Wrestling or The Wrestling Framework. And no, that’s not snark. Those columns are great and deserve your eyeballs upon them, if they’re not already.

For any first time visitors we may have along with us, here’s how the column works. Here’s what’s going to happen, just in case it’s your first time here. First, I’m going to pull some headlines from the last two weeks, and organize them into sections. Stay with me, this is where things start getting good. Then, I’m going to give a brief recap of what these news reports actually entailed. After that, I plan on giving “odds” on the aftermath of each happening, using my brilliant powers of deductive reasoning and preposterously large vocabulary. Finally, I’ll check back in a couple of days to see what delightful anecdotes and brilliant bits of comedy have been sprinkled amongst the vitriol in the comments section below.

When I check that comment section, I’ll pull one of those little nuggets of joy out and plaster it right up here on the screen for the world to read and for me to respond to. Just like the headlines and opinions I offer, all responses to the Reader Spotlight will be 100% troll-free. This week, I’ll refrain from mentioning that I have a column to write, as apparently that was taken as a slight to people that don’t have columns, and I’m done discussing diverticulitis for a while after a reasonable explanation of what it is, and how to prevent it, and why it was a bigger deal than necessary with our friend Bork Laser. This time around, I’m going to talk about wrestling. Imagine that!

Ryan Raze wondered about my opinion of PAC as a world champion.


For shits and giggles, what are your thoughts on the next wave of E stars? Ie: Rollins, Ambrose, Ohnoo and whatever name they gave Claudio. Do you believe the E will intelligently use them?
You mention a lot of indies and also that “Pac isn’t the guy to put a world title on…” but failed to acknowledge Dragon Gate USA having PAC as their champion. Any reasons why no love for DGUSA?

It’s not a slight towards Dragon Gate. Dragon Gate has some fantastic talent on their roster and puts on some really good matches with unique concepts in booking and operating the promotion as a whole. Personally, I don’t consider Dragon Gate to be a “world title” type promotion. Realistically, there are three promotions in North America that are deserving of the “world title” moniker, and they are WWE, TNA, and Ring of Honor, and I honestly feel like Ring of Honor is a bit of a stretch. You can probably credit this attitude to growing up in the 80’s with Pro Wrestling Illustrated, who were stingy with their “world title” designations. Dragon Gate is an indy promotion. There’s no shame in that, the wrestling industry needs indy feds to survive and to give guys room to grow and develop their craft. I wish Dragon Gate all the success in the world, it’s just that realistically, they’re not big enough to have a “World” title.

As for the next wave of talent, I think Rollins and Ambrose will be just fine once they make it to the main roster. They’re talented workers that have been seasoned with the WWE Style while in FCW, and should be able to transition nicely. There’s a reason WWE went after these guys, and that’s because they felt comfortable that they could step up their game and showed the personality and potential marketability to survive in WWE. Ring of Honor and other smaller promotions have a lot of guys that can work, but work rate alone doesn’t get you in the door at WWE. With guys like Benoit, Guerrero, Punk, and Daniel Bryan proving that guys that are smaller than a typical champ such as Undertaker, Triple H, and even Steve Austin in a physical sense can survive and be profitable as top dogs in the company, they’re going to be more willing to give these guys chances. Given the chance to show what they can do, they should be just fine. The only one I’m questionable about is the former Chris Hero, Apollo Ohnoo. He’s a solid hand, but I was never taken aback by his ability and I’m not sure he’ll be able to add the muscle to look like a WWE guy. For his sake, I hope he proves me wrong.

This week’s column is a little shorter because it was submitted on Wednesday evening instead of Thursday night, because I’ll be traveling on Thursday and Friday. Now, on with the show!

Handicapping the News for the week of April 21-April 25, 2012

04.24.12 New Jack says Sunny tried to get him to kill her boyfriend; no word on whether or not “Natural Born Killaz” played for the entire interview

Oh, New Jack. I’m not even sure what to say anymore. New Jack, for all of his garbage wrestling, hardcore spots, and general insanity, is a throwback in one key way. He lives his gimmick. He lives it to the point that most people aren’t even sure if it is a gimmick anymore. He’s burned bridges with dozens of people, stabbed a couple of folks, been involved in some of the funniest skits in wrestling history with Shark Boy, and been a star of the shoot interview circuit for years because of his storytelling ability. Recently he said in an interview that Tammy Sytch tried to get him to murder her cop boyfriend, that he pulled a knife on Bubba the Love Sponge, and that he’s on good terms with Abdullah The Butcher despite Abby telling people that he had HIV. New Jack would be an absolutely fascinating subject for a documentary, as he seems to enjoy his fans and the business and could give the young guys a lesson or twelve in how to embrace their gimmicks to the fullest. Also, how to be stabbed. What’s next for New Jack?

Finishes the job on Bubba the Love Sponge: 100 to 1
The guy already has 3 justifiable homicides on his record. Anybody that’s ever listened to Bubba’s show would consider this the 4th.

Manages to hook up with another former hottie from wrestling: 25 to 1
Women in wrestling don’t make the best relationship choices for themselves, and New Jack has nothing if not charisma. Sunny and Terri are notches on his belt, some other desperate former starlet could very easily be next.

Releases a shoot interview this year: EVEN
Put New Jack in front of a camera and let him go. If he doesn’t have stories, he’ll make them up. And make them believable. And piss off Jim Cornette.

04.23.12 Scott Steiner hates everything in TNA right now; 141 2/3% chance Steiner is the greatest promo man ever

Since being removed from the TNA official roster page and “released”, Scott Steiner has blasted everyone and everything involved with TNA. Granted, that just lets him fit in with the overwhelming majority of the internet, but even for Scott Steiner, the world’s greatest living mathematician, these latest rants have been a bit much. Initially directed at Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, they’ve moved to Garrett Bischoff, and to the recent changes in TNA in general, specifically the Open Fight Night gimmick. Steiner is treating all of this stuff like a “shoot”, so my guess is it’s a work. Steiner was released by TNA, but kept by Ring Ka King? An Open Fight Night for people “outside the company” is introduced, just as Ring Ka King’s season ends? Scott Steiner yells at things? It’s too easy. How will it play out?

Steiner returns on an Open Fight Night and beats Garrett Bischoff into OVW: 5 to 1
Garrett is in the ring, the sirens hit, Steiner pummels him and grabs the microphone. It’s perfect. It gives a logical reason for Steiner being off television and his “release”, it gives a logical reason for Garrett disappearing from television, and you’ve got an instant heel (or face) that will put people over.

Steiner has been released, and is simply insane: 30 to 1
Odds would be higher without insanity. We all know Scott is insane.

Steiner is released, retires, discovers new mathematical theories and reboots the NASA space exploration program: 50 to 1
Scott Steiner is the greatest human being that ever lived. Don’t doubt him.

04.25.12 Chyna has new “Avengers” porn coming out soon; don’t worry, no images will follow.

Look, I know you don’t want to see that any more than I want to do a Google Image Search for it. So, here’s other stuff instead:

Chyna’s life is a train wreck right now, nothing new to report. The only thing that pisses me off is the fact that the porn industry managed to get the Hawkeye costume right while the real Avengers movie didn’t.

04.23.12 ESPN discusses John Cena’s birthday; “s”marks outraged that Chuck Taylor’s vastly superior birthday wasn’t mentioned

This is why John Cena is the top dog in WWE right now. He gets it. He works his butt off doing Make A Wish events for kids, he takes time to talk to the fans – even the ones that hate him, and he’s got mainstream appeal. ESPN.com covers a lot of ground, but you still don’t see wrestling popping up on there very often. Occasionally somebody like Robert Flores will work in a wrestling catchphrase or mention while on the air, but that’s about as far as it goes. The same “s”marks that I mentioned above that get so outraged and plain, old, boring, stale, Cena continues to be shoved down everybody’s throat don’t get it. They don’t understand the business.

See, Cena is “shoved down our throats” because the target audience likes him. You know who spends money? Kids. Well, their parents do. And kids love Cena. Sure, they love the Rock, too, but The Rock isn’t always around. Yes, kids love Randy Orton, but Randy Orton is a huge tool that no parent should encourage their child to look up to. There’s nothing to not like about Cena from that standpoint. He’s clean as a whistle, does more charity work than any other celebrity, and does it with a smile on his face. He carries the company on his shoulders, and he’ll continue to do that for as long as he’s able.

John Cena isn’t the greatest wrestler in the world, but he’s a much better wrestler than he gets credit for. He’s had great matches with Edge, Randy Orton, Umaga, The Rock, Shawn Michaels, and others. He’s had far more good matches than bad ones. He’s one of the better promo men in the business and can be serious, funny, self degrading, intense, and as we saw this past Monday night…even a little scared. Cena is everything that The Rock and Brock Lesnar haven’t been – in a good way. So what’s the future hold for our favorite Fruity Pebble?

A full blown heel turn by year’s end: 50 to 1
If they were going to do it, it would have been against The Rock. The fact that they’ve made Brock the unquestioned heel in this feud means there’s no end in sight for Cena’s run as a babyface.

Breaking the Undertaker’s streak: 15 to 1
The internet will go nuclear if it happens, but nobody else has earned it. Cena has carried the promotion for years and has the ability to continue to do so. Undertaker has asked for the streak to be ended before – by Kurt Angle – so he apparently has no problem breaking it for the right person.

Retirement, Hall of Fame Induction, Sammartino level bitterness: 1,000 to 1
John Cena enjoys his job, and no amount of people chanting “Cena sucks” or “You can’t wrestle” is going to change that. Sorry folks, we’re stuck with him.

Buff Bagwell was in a serious car accident on the 24th of April, and has reportedly suffered a broken neck for the second time. I’ve had the opportunity to meet Buff, as well as be his ride to/from the airport for an indy show. We talked for a while, and the guy struck me as somebody that just didn’t really like the way life had turned out. He didn’t enjoy taking indy bookings, and it’s hard to blame him. He had gone from being on top of the world with the nWo during his run in WCW to wrestling somewhere like Williamson, WV in front of 150 people. As much as he seemed unhappy with where he was, though, Buff was an open guy that answered questions for a mark like myself and was pretty candid about a lot of stuff.

When I heard about this accident, I immediately assumed the worst; that Buff had been high or drunk and caused a fatality, either in another car or his own. I’m glad that isn’t the case, but as details emerge, I feel for the guy. He apparently called his wife and told her that he was about to have a seizure. I have a form of epilepsy as well, and the feeling when you know you’re about to have a seizure is one of the scariest things on the earth. It’s something beyond panic, it’s just knowing that something inevitable and awful is coming. The problem is, you usually don’t know it’s coming until it’s too late. I’ve had entire phone conversations while blacked out before having a seizure, with no recollection of what happened. I can’t help but wonder if Buff even knew that he made the call.

Ultimately, this affects Marcus Bagwell, not Buff. I would imagine, that after a second broken neck, Buff’s career is effectively over. He was exceptionally guarded about his neck when he worked matches after the initial break, and rightfully so. I wouldn’t blame anyone for being cautious – especially on the indy scene with guys he had never met or worked with – with such a vital part of the human anatomy. Breaking it a second time goes far beyond repercussions in wrestling, it becomes something that affects his lifestyle. He’s older now, rehab will be harder. Rehab will be expensive and a lot harder to pay for without that WCW contract rolling in. Times like this are hard for people no matter who they are. For someone like Buff that seemed so unhappy 6 years ago when I had the chance to talk to him at length, I can only imagine how easy it is for genuine depression to set in.

Buff, unfortunately, became a lightning rod for mockery after his match with Booker T on Raw to kick off the Invasion. Marcus Bagwell, the person, was never under the impression that he was one of the world’s top 5 workers or that he was going to be the next Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair or Stone Cold Steve Austin. His passion was baseball. He got into the wrestling business because he had a good look and was offered a chunk of money and the opportunity to be a star. He was a guy going to a job and earning a living. He simply got to do it on television every week in front of one of the most critical fan bases in the world. Vicious and Delicious will always be one of my absolute favorite midcard tag teams, and I’ll always remember Buff – or Marcus – as a decent guy that didn’t really like his job. The same could be said for most of us. At this point, I kind of just wish he had played baseball.

Here’s hoping that Marcus Bagwell and his wife pull through this with flying colors and he’s back on his feet soon.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.

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