411’s Instant Analysis 07.09.12: WWE Monday Night Raw

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Monday Night Raw. I’m your humble reviewer, Chad Nevett and we edge nearer both this year’s Money in the Bank pay-per-view and the 1000th episode of Raw. It’s the go home Raw before MitB and that should mean plenty of AJ doing craaaaaaaaaaaazy things, the fans agreeing in chant-form quite a bit, and CM Punk and Daniel Bryan looking mighty confused. Let’s get to it…

SEGMENT ONE: Two Proposals and an Anonymous GM

And the absurdity of this story grows by bounds with every segment. AJ proposes to CM Punk, Daniel Bryan proposes to AJ… all we were missing to make this bizarre love triangle complete was CM Punk proposing to Daniel Bryan. Of course, as we build to the ultimate threeway for all involved on Sunday, we need to tease it a little more with a fourth person, Eve. The best thing about this segment was the revelation of the Anonymous Raw GM as the former authority figure in charge of Raw this week. That little beep was perfectly placed and was an amusing surprise. It used to be a source of frustration, but, now, it’s an amusing gimmick for a night. As for AJ, Punk, and Bryan… I remember a time when this was about wrestling and it stood in contrast to the strange cartoon angles John Cena was involved in…

Rating: 5.5 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger
Match Result: Sheamus pinned Jack Swagger
Match Length: A little less than a minute

Sheamus is an unstoppable arse-kicking machine. Jack Swagger clearly is not.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: Christian & Tyson Kidd vs. Dolph Ziggler & Tensai
Match Result: Tensai pinned Christian
Match Length: A minute and a half

That was time well spent on these four guys in a match. Given the four guys involved, it could have been a unique match with a nice mixture of styles, but it barely had a chance to get started before it was over and Tyson Kidd was getting beat up on the outside and we moved onto something that matters more: the possibility of Jerry Lawler versus Michael Cole. Did you vote on WWE.com? I sure did.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: Brodus Clay vs. Drew McIntyre
Match Result: Brodus Clay pinned Drew McIntyre
Match Length: 30 seconds

Didn’t the Funkasaurus already beat McIntyre a few times? And I think he took longer those times. Somehow, Drew McIntyre has fallen even further since then if such a thing were possible. Ever since the opening segment, this episode, to this point, has felt like filler. Lazy filler.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: John Cena & Kane vs. Chris Jericho & the Big Show
Match Result: John Cena and Kane won via disqualification…?
Match Length: 17 and a half minutes (aka almost SIX times as long as all of the other matches so far combined)

This was a really enjoyable match up until its nonsensical finish. The Big Show looked like a genuinely dangerous threat to everyone, Chris Jericho was the smarmy heel that took every opportunity to cheat, while Kane and John Cena traded between being the face in trouble (because Kane is a face again?) and being the one hope at bringing down the Big Show. I could have done with some tension between Cena and Kane given their recent feud, but it was a good dynamic that established the personalities/skills that we will see in the WWE Championship Money in the Bank match on Sunday. Simple, but effective. The finish was a little puzzling, like they wanted the Big Show to get disqualified, but couldn’t come up with an actual reason for doing so — or the ref called for the bell too early. After all, the Big Show just stopped Cena from pinning Jericho and tossed him into the barricade on the outside, neither of which I’ve ever seen as DQ-worthy actions when done by a tag partner. Given that he then took out some ladders and took out Kane and Jericho, it shouldn’t have been too hard to simply wait for that to happen. A disappointing finish to a solid, entertaining match that made me a little excited about seeing these four in a Money in the Bank match.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank Qualifying Match – Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater
Match Result: Sin Cara pinned Heath Slater
Match Length: Around one minute, 40 seconds

I’m a little disappointed in the result here, because Heath Slater’s presence in Money in the Bank last year provided some of the more dramatic moments as everyone collectively held their breath and prayed that he would not win whenever it seemed like it could happen. People hate this guy and love to see him get beat up — and that could be used quite well. Then again, Sin Cara can do the high flying stuff and people actually enjoy seeing him wrestle… so, I guess the WWE made the right call.

Though, the hatred of Slater does serve a purpose like Bob Backlund coming out and putting him the Crossface Chickenwing. That was nice.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole
Match Result: Michael Cole won via DQ
Match Length: About a minute

And yet another WWE mystery ends with Hornswoggle as its solution. You see, this is why I voted against this match on WWE.com. It was really quite bad with a lame screwy finish and a revelation that the Anonymous GM is the leprechaun living under the ring who, up until recently, couldn’t talk. This is supposed to be entertainment — someone thought all of this was good enough to put on TV. That boggles my mind a little.

Rating: 0.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: CM Punk & AJ vs. Daniel Bryan & Eve
Match Result: AJ pinned Eve
Match Length: Three minutes, 20 seconds

And thus we see why having a ‘crazy’ character at the center of a story grows old very, very quickly. Actions have no meaning and what happens in one segment is nullified in the next. There’s an appeal in someone as unpredictable as AJ is right now, but it doesn’t last long, because everything she does is a swerve of some kind, no matter how small. She’s Vince Russo’s ideal character, I think. You think you know what she wants, what her goal is, and, then, she changes it — mostly because her only goal and purpose is to do something that surprises you. Except, of course, none of it is surprising anymore, because her character is one that only does things that are meant to surprise you. What will happen on Sunday with her as the referee in the title match? I have no idea. I’ll bet, though, that it will be ‘surprising’ and a little lame.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10

FINAL THOUGHTS Segment of the Night: John Cena & Kane vs. Chris Jericho & the Big Show Trash Segment of the Night: Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole Final Analysis: That was a pretty bad episode of Raw. The Punk/Bryan/AJ story hit new heights of soap opera ridiculousness — and I know all wrestling is soap opera of a kind, but I only use that term when it becomes the most self-parodic, obvious sort of soap opera. Adds to that a night of filler matches that barely added up to anything and the one bright spot was the mid-show ‘main event’ that actually made me want to see something on Sunday. The rest of the show sure as hell didn’t. No, this was a bad episode of Raw. Verdict: 4.0 411 RATINGS SCALE: 0 – 0.9: Torture 1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous 2 – 2.9: Very Bad 3 – 3.9: Bad 4 – 4.9: Poor 5 – 5.9: Not So Good 6 – 6.9: Average 7 – 7.9: Good 8 – 8.9: Very Good 9 – 9.9: Amazing 10: Virtually Perfect

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